CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Filtering out the Trash

Filters

YUCK! Tap water tastes horrible.  Well, maybe only in Odessa, TX, but tap water isn’t the most pleasant tasting water I can drink.  Although tap water isn’t deadly in the United States, it may contain unwanted particles that affect the taste of the water.  In Mexico, however, it is important to not drink the tap water due to it being non-potable; it hasn’t been filtered through proper water treatment.  This unfiltered water can lead to illness, even death!

The same goes for the internet.  The internet is a very useful tool to society; we can connect with others across the globe, share ideas, share project information, pay our bills, make friends, etc…  However, there are darker sides of the internet, those that can cause serious emotional and mental harm.  Obviously, because of the theme of this site, only one of these darker sides will be discussed in this post; pornography.

In a recent technical article posted in the “Online porn is huge. Like Really, Really Huge. Who Knew?” post on April 13th it is estimated that 29 petabytes (kilobyte (kB) -> megabyte (MB) -> gigabyte (GB) -> terabyte (TB) -> petabyte (PB) – smaller to larger.  As a comparison most computer hard drives are measured only in gigabytes!) of pornographic data is transferred every month.  In another associated article an estimated 30% of all internet traffic is related to pornography!  Below are some statistics on pornography consumption.  Keep in mind that these numbers are from 2006 and have become more alarming in the past 6 years.

  • More than 70% of men from 18 to 34 visit a pornographic site in a typical month
  • Nearly 74 percent of pornography websites surveyed display adult content on their homepage (accessible to anyone) before asking if the viewers are of legal age.
  • Every second, 28,258 Internet viewers are viewing pornography
  • Every second, 372 Internet users are typing adult search terms into search engines
  • One out of three youth who viewed pornography, viewed the pornography intentionally
  • Seven out of ten youth have accidentally come across pornography online
  • Nearly 80 percent of unwanted exposure to pornography is taking place in the home (79 percent occurs in the home; 9 percent occurs at school; 7 percent other/unknown; 5 percent at a friend’s home).
  • A study in the southeastern U.S. found that 53 percent of boys and 28 percent of girls (ages 12-15) reported use of sexually explicit media. The Internet was the most popular forum for viewing.
  • 90% of 8 – 16 year olds have viewed pornography online (most while doing homework)
  • 26 Children’s character names linked to thousands of porn links (i.e. Pokemon or Action Man)
  • Average age of first Internet porn exposure 11 in 2006, 5 (boys) in 2011!
  • Largest consumer of Internet pornography: 12 – 17 year-old age group
  • Over half of evangelical pastors admits viewing pornography

Again, keep in mind that most of these statistics are from 2006.  One can easily imagine how much worse it has become with the increase in high-speed internet connections across our country as well as the advent of High Definition pornography.  The most disturbing aspect to me is the large number of children being exposed to pornography.  I hope you understand that pornographers are predators; they WANT your children to view pornography.  They create URLs similar to names of children characters and turn existing children’s characters into sexual objects.  For their business to thrive, they NEED you and your children to become addicted to their drug so they can keep selling it to you.

For the sake of my target audience I won’t list any actual website names, but during my sex addiction specialist training a few of the sites, that have innocent names of children’s characters that are actually pornography sites, were mentioned.  It’s everywhere; pornographers mislead children and adults into stumbling upon their product.  They corrupt young and old alike, without care of consequences or fear of retribution.  They infect humans with their product, all in worship of the almighty dollar!  The sad reality becomes that instead of stumbling upon this material, kids and adults get hooked and now find excuses to get onto those sites.

So hopefully you are beginning to understand why we all need proper internet filters on our computers.  Without filters, it is too easy to find pornography on the internet.  I call it “six clicks of separation” where one can find adult content on the internet within six clicks or websites.  It’s easy to do, especially with all the side bar advertisements on various sites these days.

In my case, as a recovering sex addict, I need the filters to block pornography on my computers.  I have filters at work and at home.  I don’t want the material in my mind, I don’t need the material in my mind, and I especially don’t want it in my house.  Therefore, I have instituted these external boundaries for my own health, not for some sort of restriction.  My sponsor always tells me, “When my internal boundaries fail, it is good to have external boundaries.”  And to be honest, I don’t ever want my two children to accidently visit an adult site!  I don’t ever want them to go through what I have been through in fighting this addiction; the pain the suffering, the tears, and the anguish, not only for me, but for my loved ones.  It is just too easy to get hooked on pornography, it is too easy to access it, but it is in no way easy to get over it and to fight the addiction on a daily basis!

We install filters for our own mental health and the health of our children.  Filters are not meant to police the individual and our children.  If we talk openly and honestly about the reality of pornography and sex to our children, we can help them establish their own internal boundaries on what is and what is not appropriate to view on the internet.  We can’t shelter our children, but we can help make their life easier by making accidental access to adult or pornographic material harder!

And a word about those husbands or fathers that rebuke the idea of internet filters in their home.  There is a high probability that these men do not want proper filters because they are the ones looking at inappropriate material!  These selfish men are so consumed with their own sexual sin that they refuse to see the benefit to their family and children.  I will remind those men that as of my SAS training in 2011, the average age of exposure to pornography for boys is now 5 years old (9 for girls); I was exposed at 4 years old.  Don’t let your selfishness or pride destroy your child’s life.  If you truly care for your children you will install proper internet filters on your computer.  Think of it this way, if you knew that a vaccine with no side-effects could prevent a deadly virus from causing damage to your child now or in the future and save them and you years of heartache and pain, would you not be willing to give it to them?  Are you willing to look back in 20 years when your son or daughter is making amends for their own sexual addiction and realize you could have helped prevent this had you invested in a proper internet filter?   The choice is yours.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

A PDF with suggested internet filters and accountability tools and websites is attached below.  Updated copies may be found under our resources page.

Suggested Internet Filtering and Accountability Software:

 Suggested Internet Filters

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Once an Addict, Always an Addict?

“Once an Addict, Always an Addict”

This phrase has been widely used to stereotype addicts for many, many years.  It is almost a “common” phrase whenever someone speaks about their loved one being addicted.  This term is also mainly used by those who don’t always understand the recovery process from addiction and what the actual term “addict” references.

Keep in mind that the following is only my own personal opinion on this subject of the use of the phrase “Once an addict, always an addict.”  In my own recovery process, this statement was said to a loved one about me.  I took quite a bit offense to this statement only because it made me feel like there was no hope, that I would always remain addicted to the chemicals produced by my brain during compulsive sexual behavior, and that I would continue to act out sexually the rest of my life.  It also scared my loved one, because they did not know much about the addiction at that time.

In looking at this term, one needs to distinguish between an active sex addict and a recovering sex addict.  An active sex addict, obviously, is one who is not in real sexual addiction recovery and continues to act out sexually.  This sex addict, although in “recovery,” could still be in a minimized state of denial where they see some sexual issues as acceptable that are typically unacceptable to even Christian non-addicts such as viewing pornography (I could spend hours and pages writing about how pornography affects the brain but this post is not about that topic).  The active addict will continue to seek out their high, usually through non-traditional acting out behaviors, until they break through the denial, live in honesty, and finally put a stop to the compulsive sexual behavior.

An addict in recovery, however, is no longer seeking ways to “beat the system” and is either living or trying to live a life of recovery.  An addict in recovery understands that recovery and life is progress not perfection, continuing to progress in their recovery, not continuing to live in their addiction.  When a sex addict finally breaks through the denial surrounding his life and truly gives himself to the program (including practicing rigorous honesty), then they are a “recovering sex addict.”

Furthermore, when one studies the brain scans of addicts versus those of healthy individuals; one can see an obvious difference.  However, with abstinence from drugs and alcohol, one can see through the brain scans that the brain of the addict slowly begins to resemble the brain of a healthy individual.  This healing of the brain will take time and abstinence from addictive behaviors, but it can and will happen.

                   
Brain on drugs                    Brain 1 Year Sober              Healthy Brain

Finally, when a sex addict enters recovery, they are asked to take a Sex Addiction Screening Test (SAST) questionare that is then given to their therapist for them to review and score.  This questionare typically determines if the individual truly suffers from Sexual Addiction and if they do, the individual’s level of sex addiction.  Based on the behaviors from most of my life, I scored a 19 out of 20.  Now that is pretty bad.  But God has used that measure to show me His grace and the miracles only He can peform.  Although most sex addicts don’t retake the test, last year I decided to retake it based solely on my sexual activities in the first 2 years of my recovery.  The results are written below.  In theory, I am no longer a “sex addict” as defined by the International Institute for Trauma & Addiction Professionals (IITAP) based on the six categories that define Sexual Addiction.  I am by no means stating I am cured from sex addiction.  It is my personal belief that I will never be cured, but the disease has been slowed down enough where I can function as a healthy human being.  This is by no way “scientific” but it shows how a life of recovery from sexual addiction can actually be non-addictive and non-destructive.  If we are to become healthy, we must live a life of recovery.  The thumbnail chart at the top left of this paragraph is my score at entering recovery.  The thumbnail chart to the right is my score based on the first two years of working my recovery program.  A healthy sexual lifestyle is possible for all those who earnestly desire it!

As a recovering sex addict, I must always acknowledge the fact that if I let my guard down, I could fall back into the addiction either through a slip or relapse.  In understanding this fact, I realize that I will not always be an addict, but I will always be vulnerable to the addiction.  This being said, the correct term to be used for addicts should be as follows.

“Once an addict, always vulnerable”

I would ask that from now on this phrase be used when speaking to family, friends, spouses, or loved ones of addicts in recovery.  This phrase should also be used when speaking about yourself and your addiction recovery!

Take what you like and leave the rest.

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic 6/30/2012 – Video – God’s Chisel

Sometimes we feel pain when God chisels away the bad things in our lives, especially our character defects!

When God chisels the dead weight out of our lives it can be quite painful. In this new high quality, remastered version of their most requested skit, Tommy and Eddie give a very creative look at a typical believer having to go through the process of discipline.

The writer of Ephesians says “For we are God’s workmanship” (Eph. 2:10). Elsewhere we’re described as a “poem.” God views us as being his original masterpiece.

Skit Guys website with remastered video:
http://skitguys.com/videos/item/gods-chisel

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Living in a State of Denial

Denial

Denial is a very interesting thing.  How do we know we are in denial if we are in denial?  The definition of the word denial is written below.

Denial

de·ni·al [dih-nahy-uhl] noun

1. an assertion that something said, believed, alleged, etc., is false: Despite his denials, we knew he had taken the purse. The politician issued a denial of his opponent’s charges.
2. refusal to believe a doctrine, theory, or the like.
3. disbelief in the existence or reality of a thing.
4. the refusal to satisfy a claim, request, desire, etc., or the refusal of a person making it.
5. refusal to recognize or acknowledge; a disowning or disavowal: the traitor’s denial of his country; Peter’s denial of Christ.

These are great definitions of denial but don’t clearly fit my idea of denial when it comes to addiction so I choose to look at Wikipedia for their description:

Denial (also called abnegation) is a defense mechanism postulated by Sigmund Freud, in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence.

The above is a much better description of the type of denial to which I am referring.  When a person enters real recovery, they leave the state of denial that left them in their addiction.  However, for some who believe they are in recovery, they continue to deny or minimize the addiction to certain sexual behaviors allowing them to prolong or feed the addiction.  Until the sexual addict fully steps out of denial, practicing rigorous honesty, and accepts their compulsive sexual behavior as fact, they will not find help, freedom, or sobriety from their addictive behaviors.

Per Wikipedia:

The concept of denial is important in twelve-step programs, where the abandonment or reversal of denial forms the basis of the first, fourth, fifth, eighth and tenth steps. The ability to deny or minimize is an essential part of what enables an addict to continue his or her behavior despite evidence that—to an outsider—appears overwhelming. This is cited as one of the reasons that compulsion is seldom effective in treating addiction—the habit of denial remains.

To remain in denial is to remain in the addiction.  Making excuses or defending the use of pornography, for example, is a great case of denial for a sexual addict.  Until the addict realizes how addictive the chemical high produced by the brain during the viewing of pornography can really be, they will continue to slip and slide in their recovery (although deny that they have slipped or relapsed).  Quite a few have made excuses for the occasional use of pornography in their “recovery” or acceptance of such material as “allowed” in order to not feel shame or guilt because of viewing the material.  It is my opinion that this mentality, does not, and will not lead to sexual sobriety and instead will lead the addict back into compulsive sexual behaviors.  Another point of denial is the recovering sex addict that believes they can visit an adult oriented business, such as a strip club or adult book store, with “look but don’t touch” mentality.  This, again, is an example of making excuses and living in the addiction and in denial.  It is very important to be connected with a sponsor or someone else in recovery who can review our sexual behaviors especially if we use the “three circle” method used in Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA).

In using the three circles, we might feel that we are “ok” by living in middle circle activity when in fact we should not even be engaging in that type of activity!  A sponsor can carefully evaluate the activity and see if we are in denial about our acting out and whether the activity needs to be moved into inner circle behavior.  Remember, the middle circle is for our protection to keep us away from compulsive sexual behaviors.  However, no activity in the middle circle should be “acceptable” and engaging in behaviors in the middle circle should sound alarms that something is not right in our recovery or life!  A more thorough analysis of the three circles will be made in a future blog post.

One of my favorite explanations of denial is an acrostic/acronym I once heard in a recovery meeting.

DENIAL – Don’t E ven kNow I Am Lying

When we work our Steps 1 and 4, we can see where we consistently lied to ourselves about issues concerning our compulsive sexual behavior to the point that we didn’t even realize that we were lying!  Compulsive sexual behavior became so ingrained in our lives that we saw it as truth and excused our actions with “everybody does it,” regardless of how insane our behaviors became.  In working a Step 5, we receive help from our sponsor and the Holy Spirit in further stepping out of any denial that may remain in our addictive sexual behavior.  Our sponsor and conviction by the Spirit can help point out parts of our lives where we may still live in denial of certain character defects or activities.  Then, we can step out of denial and realize that we had been lying to ourselves the entire time; we can begin to live in the truth!

It isn’t until we step out of our denial of our addiction and compulsive sexual behaviors and all activities associated with the behavior that we can fully enter a manner of living honestly and fully enter recovery as a lifestyle.  When we fully enter recovery, we relocate; we not longer live in the great State of Denial!

Take what you like and leave the rest.

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic 06/16/2012 – Psalm 103

This week’s Castimonia meeting topic is that of Psalm 103.  As part of my recovery, I have been reading through the Bible for the past 4 years.  One of the things I have learned is to personalize my Bible readings so that it relates more to me and not all others.  In recovery, I have learned that I tend to think goodness is for others and I am not worthy of God’s grace.  When I personalize passages, it brings God’s word alive in my life.

Psalm 103
Of David. (JLS)

1 Praise the Lord, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the Lord, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all (my) sins
and heals all (my) diseases,
4 who redeems (my) life from the pit
and crowns (me) with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies (my) desires with good things
so that (my) youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

6 The Lord works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.

7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:
8 The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat (me) as (my) sins deserve
or repay (me) according to (my) iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed (my) transgressions.

13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how (I was) formed,
he remembers that (I am) dust.
15 The life of mortals is like grass,
they flourish like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the Lord’s love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with (my) children’s children —
18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.

19 The Lord has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.

20 Praise the Lord, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.
21 Praise the Lord, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.
22 Praise the Lord, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.

Praise the Lord, my soul.

As I read Psalm 103, a few points stand out.  In the Psalm written above, I have changed some of the words written by King David to reflect personalization of this Psalm.  As a facilitator and having attended several groups, I and me statements are key in sharing so as to personalize the share.  Therefore, I substituted the words I, My, and Me for the original text, thus personalizing this Psalm. I call it the JLS version.  Truth be told, I believe the NLT version does something similar.  I used the NIV version for this post.

Lines 2, 3, 4, and 5 are some of my favorites.  Beginning with Line 2, I read how I must not forget all the benefits God has and in Line 3, I am reminded that He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases.  Moving onto Line 4, I read that God redeems my life from the pit and crowns me with love and compassion.  And finally, in Line 5, I am reminded that, in my recovery, I am now satisfied with good, non-addictive things thus renewing my youth.

One focus point for me, personally, is where I read “who redeems (my) life from the pit and crowns (me) with love and compassion.” In my life, and especially in my addiction, I have been in that pit.  I thought I was so far down in the pit that there was no hope for me but to live in the pit the rest of my life.  My addiction went so far down the scale that I now know that no human power could have restored me.  I now know that God redeemed my life from the pit of my addiction and crowned me with love and compassion.  I did not receive what I deserved.  I received love and compassion from those around me, God’s love, because as humans, they could not have shown me love and compassion for what I had done.

The next line, Line 5, is also a nugget of gold in my recovery.  My youth has been renewed because I now satisfied with good things; my God, my family, my recovery, etc…  In my past, I was always trying to be satisfied with the addiction and the next best “high.”  This next best “high” was never achieved, nor could it ever be truly achieved.  I would have continued until I was exhausted and dead and would have never been satisfied.  I was exhausted when I would finish, and then start again.  It was a never ending struggle, completely draining to me.  Now my life is filled with good things, non-exhaustive things that satisfy me.  I always say that my worst day in recovery is still better than my best day in the addiction, this line signifies why!

Take what you like and leave the rest.