CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Isn’t It Ironic?

Isn’t It Ironic?

The dilemmas of codependent men aren’t talked about. Unlike women, men don’t discuss their relationship problems with friends and family. Instead, they internalize their pain. Many are in denial, suffer in silence, or become numb to their needs and feelings. They shun attention and try to do the right thing and be good sons, husbands, and fathers, focusing instead on making a living and meeting the needs of their wives and children. These codependent men sacrifice themselves and believe that their needs, including the need for time away from their wives, are selfish. Societal and cultural values have shamed men as weak for expressing feelings or needs, which reinforces codependent traits of control, suppression of feelings, and denial of needs. Often they turn to addiction in order to cope. Darlene Lancer, M.A., MFT, J.D.

Isn’t it ironic? We ignore the ones that adore us, adore the ones that ignore us, love the ones who hurt us and hurt the ones that love us. Unknown

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Substitute For True Feelings

Substitute For True Feelings

One of the dangerous aspects of codependency is the fact that codependents will often substitute physical love for actual love — in other words, accepting sex as a substitute for true feelings. This can lead to undesirable sexual circumstances, when the desire for sex overcomes a person’s “judgment”, and all of the harmful effects of promiscuous sex begin to appear: STDs, unplanned pregnancy, feelings of rejection, etc. These ‘symptoms’ of codependency can push the codependent even further into their mental instability. Besides impact on their own lives, codependent people can negatively affect those around them, attempting to ‘control’ various aspects of their friends and loved one’s lives. A common belief among most people unaware of their codependence is that “other people are incapable of taking care of themselves”. This is a simple case of projection, whereby the codependents feelings about themselves are reflected onto their opinion of other people, perhaps so that they feel more normal. This feeling, however, leads to some truly harmful behavior, such as bullying people into thinking the way a codependent thinks they “should” feel. A codependent may constantly offer advice, even when it is unwanted, or give money and gifts to friends to win their approval. The fact is that the codependent feels he or she has to be “needed” in order to have a healthy relationship with another person. Codependency is a serious issue, affecting the mental health and well-being of everyone around codependent people, not just the individual themselves. By Will Roby from http://www.askdeb.com/love/codependent/

“There is no such thing as a good influence. Because to influence a person is to give him one’s own soul. He does not think his natural thoughts, or burn with his natural passions. His virtues are not real to him. His sins, if there are such thing as sins, are borrowed. He becomes an echo of someone else’s music, an actor of a part that has not been written for him.” – Oscar Wilde

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Miley Cyrus Is Not News

By , August 28, 2013
http://intentionalwarriors.com/2013/08/28/miley-cyrus-is-not-news/

unknownAfter a day of reading various reports of Miley Cyrus’ antics at the MTV Video Music Awards, i can say with pleasure that I am so very glad I didn’t watch it.

But more than that it’s time to also say this: Miley Cyrus’ performance is not news. It’s tragic, disgusting and shameful. But it’s not news.

There is nothing new about it. There is nothing newsworthy about it.

Was it shocking? From what i read i would have to say, “Yes” — and “No.”

Why?

Because we live in a hyper-sexualized, pornified world. And given that our culture is molded by pornography, it is not news when people act out in a pornographic fashion. We, as a society, have given ourselves over to gratifying the lusts of our flesh — whether that’s in the name of entertainment or in the privacy of our individual lives.

So when the information world explodes with story after story about something like Miley’s performance at the VMAs — much like Beyonce’s at the Super Bowl halftime show this past winter — we have to ask a few questions.

First, why are we treating this as news? Second, is the coverage of this event actually an intelligent discussion, or is it merely feigned shock and horror which is actually celebrating what happened by pretending to “report” on it which in turn simply promotes what happened? Third, was this the only sexual performance of the night at the VMAs?

I seriously doubt it was.

But the most important questions, truly, are ones the information world will not even touch.

Questions such as: If we are actually shocked at Miley’s performance, what is it that shocks you?  If her actions “cross a line,” what is that line? If you feel a line has been crossed, what will you do about it?

And for me  the most important questions are these: Christian brothers and sisters, what are you doing to remain free from the corruption that is in the world with regard to sexuality? How many of you watched that Miley Cyrus debacle and did so without a twinge of discomfort?

In a pornified world we shouldn’t be surprised when people act like porn stars. Instead, we need to encourage one another on to a higher and better life.

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Feeling Trapped and Fearing Abandonment

Feeling Trapped and Fearing Abandonment
Posted by James Browning on October 23, 2012

If you think your wife is codependent, there’s a good chance you are, too. Often codependent men are attracted to women who are needy, demanding, jealous, or critical. Men become dependent on their wives’ approval, and then feel trapped by their manipulation, demands, or expectations. They’re unable to set boundaries and fear emotional retaliation and/or rejection, including withholding of sex. Their wives may be very emotional, providing a sense of aliveness to the relationship and compensating for the numbness many codependent men feel inside. In the beginning, a man can feel powerful, helping a needy girlfriend or wife and giving her attention or gifts. He conforms to her expectations, while being assured that she won’t abandon him, but eventually discovers that it’s never enough to satisfy her. . Fear of rejection and abandonment are powerful motivators for codependency, usually because of early emotional abandonment by a parent. Consequently, the men never leave – physically – but withdraw to the safety of a self-made emotional prison. After a while, they feel trapped, controlled, and resentful. They may use drugs or addictive behavior to manage anxiety and depression, while some look outside the marriage for validation. However, it’s not their wives that are the cause of their problem, it’s their codependency. Darlene Lancer, M.A., MFT, J.D.

“More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren’t so busy denying them.” –   Harold J. Smith

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Codependency and Sex Addiction

I wanted to spend the next couple of months posting short articles on codependency and how it relates to our sexual addiction.

Per Robert Subby, Codependency is an emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules – rules which prevent the open expression of feelings as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems.

Earnie Larsen defines codependency as “those self-defeating, learned behaviors or character defects that result in a diminished capacity to initiate or to participate in loving relationships.”

Melody Beattie defines a codependent as “a person who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”

The first two seem logical for me, the codependent recovering sex addict, the third, not so much with my wife, as my wife’s behavior is not a problem.  However, in past relationships, the definition fits perfectly.  My “definition” or explanation of codependency is more of an extreme fear of abandonment where we try to control everyone and everything around us (particularly our spouses) so that they will not leave us.  In my addiction, I feared abandonment (but never realized it until recovery) and medicated those fears through my sexual acting out.   Addicts are codependents, we fear abandonment because of the neglect or abandonment we experienced as children.  Now, as an adult, I have tried to control every relationship, both friends and my spouse in a futile effort to prevent the abandonment I experienced as a child.

Another way to look at it is allowing my wife’s emotions, feelings, disposition to deeply affect who I am and how I feel about myself.  When my wife is upset, I get upset.  When my wife is happy, then I am happy.  I had become a slave to my wife’s emotions and I didn’t even realize it!

I strongly feel that my sexual addiction as an adult was a way of medicating the fear of abandonment I experienced throughout my life.  This is not an excuse for my sexual acting out, but an understanding to a deeper root cause of my addiction and thus deeper healing of my inner self.

As always, take what you like and leave the rest.