CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

alcohol

By

I Walk the Line

Originally posted at: https://livingonquicksandblog.wordpress.com/2016/09/01/i-walk-the-line

I am walking a fine line between vigilance and the road to Crazy Town.

Discovering that your spouse has been unfaithful brings a whole lot of hurt down on your head.  Strangely, discovering that he has done this because he has an addiction helps in some ways.  You learn that it wasn’t about you.  You come to understand that powerful forces were driving the behavior. You realize that a long list of anonymous women is somehow less threatening than one “special” someone in whom he might have invested more emotional currency.

In other ways, though, the addiction makes the situation much worse.  For one thing, the probability that he will slip one or more times before achieving total recovery is very high.  And that is assuming that he is even serious about recovery. Rob has said that several of the men in his 12 step group have said they are there because their wives made them come and will divorce them if they don’t attend.  If I were their wives I would want them to be saying things like “I’m here because I want to heal”.  I think real recovery has to be about you and what you want.  But these men are in the group and who am I to question their motives.

For Rob’s part he is saying the right things and taking the right actions.  He has now “come out” to two sets of friends, and three family members.  He is attending his meetings regularly and has suggested a cell phone tracking app so that I know where he is (or at least where his cell phone is – because I am very aware that there is a difference). He is journaling on a semi-regular basis and is considering re-writing his 12 steps to make them more meaningful to him.  In short, he appears to be doing the work.

The problem with a sex addiction is that it is, by nature, a secretive and furtive disease. The only way to know if recovery is happening is to look for subtle clues and behaviour changes.  Addicts are master manipulators though, and in Rob’s case he has been fooling people for 40+ years.  How do I know all of these actions are not part of a snow-job to lull me back into a false sense of security?

And this brings me to the point of this post (ah, I bet you thought I would never get there). I don’t think I am any different from any spouse of a recovering sex addict in wondering how closely I should be watching him.

I have always felt privacy is important.  I think it is inherently wrong to go through anyone’s wallets, or text messages or open their mail, track their financial activity or secretly videotape their activities.  I have always believed a wife who does these things is a nutbar. Yet in recent weeks I have gone through Rob’s wallet, checked his text messages and checked the search history on his tablet. I check his location through our Life360 app compulsively through the day, then worry myself sick about why he went to a particular location for 6 minutes. I have even had a free consultation with a very nice young private investigator though I have never followed up with him. I have even caught myself lying in bed wondering where the best location would be to install a hidden camera to see what goes on while I am away. There is scarcely an hour that goes by where I don’t worry that something bad is going to happen unless I stay on top of things.  A friend I have met in a support group refers to this as monitoring. I’m just not sure how much monitoring is desirable to keep me aware and safe, and how much is crazy, compulsive behaviour.

I am fully aware that no amount of “monitoring” will keep Rob from “acting out” (I hate that phrase but I’m going with it any way).  In this age of computers and tablets and cell phones he will always find a way if he wants to re-offend.  I know that he can leave his cell phone at his office and go anywhere he wants and I won’t know.  Or he might have a different cell phone specifically for this sort of activity.  I can get e-mail passwords, but he may well have other accounts of which I am unaware.  There are whole technologies designed to help cheaters avoid getting caught.  I can’t watch it all. Only Rob can keep Rob from acting out.

At the same time I feel I need to have some sort of awareness of what he is doing.  Sad to say, but his word is worth almost nothing at this point.  I have heard too many proclamations of innocence over the years to believe what he says. The only evidence of change is what I can see and I can’t see if I don’t look.

I don’t want to be his mother and check up on him all the time. I don’t want to spend my precious golden years skulking around reading his text messages.  I don’t want to spend my retirement savings on a private detective.  I also don’t want to contract HIV or a venereal disease because I trusted too much or kept my head in the sand. I don’t want to be hurt by another round of betrayal. I am walking a fine line between vigilance and the road to Crazy Town.

And so I waver back and forth.  If I snoop I feel sick because I am becoming the kind of woman I abhor.  If I don’t snoop I feel like I am being a naive fool. If I snoop I am afraid I will find something and have to confront him about it.  If I don’t snoop I feel like I will be taken advantage of. Through it all I am in a state of constant hyper vigilance that is exhausting.

I know that recovery will have occurred when I can honestly say that I can be happy with or without his recovery.  Right now I am struggling with how to get there.

By

What does the Holy Spirit do?

by altruistico

The Bible is quite clear that the Holy Spirit is active in our world. The book of Acts, which sometimes goes by the longer title of “The Acts of the Apostles,” could just as accurately be called “The Acts of the Holy Spirit through the Apostles.” After the apostolic age, there have been some changes—the Spirit does not inspire further Scripture, for example—but He continues to do His work in the world.

First, the Holy Spirit does many things in the lives of believers. He is the believers’ Helper (John 14:26). He indwells believers and seals them until the day of redemption—this indicates that the Holy Spirit’s presence in the believer is irreversible. He guards and guarantees the salvation of the ones He indwells (Ephesians 1:13; 4:30). The Holy Spirit assists believers in prayer (Jude 1:20) and “intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God” (Romans 8:26–27).

The Holy Spirit regenerates and renews the believer (Titus 3:5). At the moment of salvation, the Spirit baptizes the believer into the Body of Christ (Romans 6:3). Believers receive the new birth by the power of the Spirit (John 3:5–8). The Spirit comforts believers with fellowship and joy as they go through a hostile world (1 Thessalonians 1:6; 2 Corinthians 13:14). The Spirit, in His mighty power, fills believers with “all joy and peace” as they trust the Lord, causing believers to “overflow with hope” (Romans 15:13).

Sanctification is another work of the Holy Spirit in the life of a believer. The Spirit sets Himself against the desires of the flesh and leads the believer into righteousness (Galatians 5:16–18). The works of the flesh become less evident, and the fruit of the Spirit becomes more evident (Galatians 5:19–26). Believers are commanded to “be filled with the Spirit” (Ephesians 5:18), which means they are to yield themselves to the Spirit’s full control.

The Holy Spirit is also a gift-giver. “There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them” (1 Corinthians 12:4). The spiritual gifts that believers possess are given by the Holy Spirit as He determines in His wisdom (verse 11)

The Holy Spirit also does work among unbelievers. Jesus promised that He would send the Holy Spirit to “convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment” (John 16:8, ESV). The Spirit testifies of Christ (John 15:26), pointing people to the Lord. Currently, the Holy Spirit is also restraining sin and combatting “the secret power of lawlessness” in the world. This action keeps the rise of the Antichrist at bay (2 Thessalonians 2:6–10).

The Holy Spirit has one other important role, and that is to give believers wisdom by which we can understand God. “The Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God. For who knows a person’s thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God” (1 Corinthians 2:10–11). Since we have been given the amazing gift of God’s Spirit inside ourselves, we can comprehend the thoughts of God, as revealed in the Scripture. The Spirit helps us understand. This is wisdom from God, rather than wisdom from man. No amount of human knowledge can ever replace the Holy Spirit’s teaching (1 Corinthians 2:12–13).

By

So Why do I Hang Around?

by livingonquicksandblog

My last post itemized all the shit that has gone on since our marriage four years ago.  Some of it is undoubtedly real, some of it may be my imagination.  But that is the soul sucking part of being married to a sex addict. You lose all sense of what is true and real and what is lies and deception.  Which brings me around, again, to the obvious question.  It is a question I know you are asking, one which I have asked other women in my situation, and one that you may be asking yourself if you have recently discovered that you have hitched your star to a sex addict. Why did you stay then and why do you continue to stay now?

I know that, to someone looking in from the outside, the solution is obvious. If you can’t trust him, leave him. From the inside, though, the solution is anything but simple. It is painfully complex and gut wrenching.

Everyone’s list will be different but I suspect the partners of sex addicts will identify with many of my reasons for staying with a man who has been leading  a double life for the entire history of our relationship.

  1. I love him deeply. He is a kind and gentle man who in every other sense has treated me with respect.  He is intelligent, articulate and funny.  We enjoy the same things and can sit and talk for hours. We can laugh and be silly together. He has always supported me and my decisions without judgment. He drinks only occasionally and never uses drugs.  He has a deep an unconditional love for his children and has always been there for them. It turns out he even likes cats although he always said he didn’t.  He is good at almost everything he turns his hand to and is an accomplished athlete, yet very humble about his achievements and eager to work with others, regardless of their abilities. His patience is almost limitless.  He is lean and strong and handsome.  When we first started dating I told him he was perfect and he got almost angry with me, saying he was anything but perfect.  It has taken me 16 years to figure out what he meant.
  2. He is an excellent liar. If there were an Olympic medal for lying, I’m pretty sure it would go to a sex addict. To indulge in all these dark vices – pornography, masturbation, hookers, adultery – over a period of 40 years – requires A LOT of deception.  I still do not understand how or when he pulled it all off. But when I am feeling like a nob for not putting things together much sooner, I remind myself that he had two other wives who never figured it out at all.  I guess that makes me a winner of sorts.
  3. I didn’t get the sort of cues I would have expected from an adulterous spouse. No lipstick on the collar, no strange perfume (except once in his car, and he blamed that on his daughter), no strange hang-up phone calls, no incriminating texts, no long unexplained blocks of time.  He was (as far as I knew) at work, or training, or driving home or with me.  We were together every evening.  I remember thinking that if he was seeing another woman she certainly wasn’t very demanding of his time.  The thought of afternoon hookers never entered my head.  Which brings me to….
  4. The things he was doing were just simply not in my realm of experience. I live a world away from hookers and frankly had never given them much thought. Sure, I had caught glimpses of girls in impossibly short shorts and stilettos and I knew what they were doing on the street. But they weren’t part of my personal experience and, until Rob was arrested on the stroll I never gave them a second thought. I tucked them safely away as something that other people had to deal with.  I pitied their situation while simultaneously inwardly judging their choices.  There were so many things I didn’t know.  I didn’t know sex could be an addiction.  I didn’t know hookers worked during the day, I knew there were massage parlours that perhaps offered other, less legitimate services but had no idea who might access those services.  The result was that I couldn’t even imagine him doing the things he was doing. Seriously?  Stopping on the way home for a hand job the way you would stop for a loaf of bread?  How could I know that?
  5. Like all addicts he is a manipulator. He is good at turning things around to make me feel like I am over reacting, or being a jealous spouse or being just plain crazy. In the end I no longer trusted my own instincts.  This is a process called gaslighting which I didn’t even know was a thing until recently, though I have been it’s victim for years.
  6. Hindsight is 20/20. When I go back and itemize all the things that have happened it seems so obvious.  But the reality is that these things happened over a period of years, and most seemed relatively trivial.  Do you ask your husband for a divorce because the phone was placed upside down on its cradle? Or because you found a 1.98 charge on his credit card bill for a dating site? Any one incident wasn’t enough, especially when he so adeptly talked his way out of every situation.  Up until finding the hooker list I had no proof of anything. All I had was the nudging of an instinct I no longer trusted.
  7. Yes, we had a normal sex life.  It wasn’t as frequent as 20-somethings.  But, after all, sixty is in the rear view mirror for both of us.  But it was, at least for me, plentiful and satisfying.  I have read that sex addicts often pull away from their spouses physically, but I can’t say that was true in our case.  I will say that he was rarely the instigator of any sexual contact, it was always me. I always got the sense that he would be too embarrassed if I said no, so he left it up to me.  In hindsight I probably just wasn’t as much of a turn on as the hooker fantasy he had going on in his head.
  8. Our marriage was and is wonderful. I know this sounds wacky, given the subject matter of this blog, but, aside from that niggling feeling that things were going on that I couldn’t get a handle on, our marriage was fabulous.  We have travelled to amazing places and had adventures that many can only dream of.  We have an lovely home in a beautiful location.  Most importantly he is home with me, every night, without fail. We cuddle, we chat about each other’s day, we have our favourite shows that we watch together, we compete fiercely at board games, we are financially stable and we are surrounded by family that love us.  We are each other’s best friends and confidantes. We have only had one mildly physical disagreement, years ago, in which I was the aggressor. He is the calm gentle one. All of that is an awful lot to give up.  In balancing the “do I stay or do I go” equation, the quality of the rest of our relationship weighs heavily in favor of staying.

I may stay, or I may go.  I don’t know yet.  It depends on whether I feel he is making an honest effort at recovery.  Currently the signs are good but it is very early.  He is in a 12 step program but struggling with the steps and the many references to God.  But he is going to the meetings.  He has a supportive counselor and some friends that he can call on if he is feeling overwhelmed.  He has “come out” to these friends as well as to one of his daughters and with each telling I feel like the shadows are lifting and the secrets are being swept away.  It means that I have people that I can talk to who know the story (maybe not the whole story but the essentials) and that makes me feel a whole lot better. Meanwhile his recovery is his stuff, and my recovery is my stuff. More on that in a future post.

By

“Codependency, the True Ball and Chain.”

“Codependency, the True Ball and Chain.” First, what really is codependency?  If you Google codependency you get the following definition:

noun: codependency; noun: co-dependency

  1. excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically a partner who requires support due to an illness or addiction.

How does a relationship go from healthy to codependent? Like all things that are unhealthy, it starts small.

Many of you might remember the Julia Robert’s movie, “Runaway Bride.”  In the movie, Julia Robert’s character is  asked by the reporter, played by Richard Gere, how she likes her eggs.  As the storyline progresses it is clear she has no idea how she likes her eggs.  In each of her previous relationships she ate her eggs exactly as her husband-to-be enjoyed THEIR eggs.

This is a Hollywood example, but it rings true, a relationship that is healthy is made up of two people, with unifying goals, not two people who stay together out of fear, low self esteem, caretaking responsibilities, addiction, etc..

Julia Robert’s character went from one relationship to the next because she was scared to pursue her own dreams, and found it easier to morph into the woman each man wanted her to be. People in codependent relationships experience a lot of dissatisfaction and anxiety because their relationship doesn’t bring joy, it is a constant tightrope of fear and bargaining.

A person married to an addict might stay because they fear that without them, the person they love might overdose, the addict stays because they feel guilty about what they are doing but can’t or won’t stop.

A few questions to ask yourself:

  1. Are you with your partner because you want to be, or because you feel stuck?

  2. Are you or your partner engaging in healthy behaviors or do you stay out of fear or pity because of addictions?

  3. Is staying in this relationship negatively affecting your mental or physical health?

If you feel that you are part of a codependent relationship, being on the site is a great step in the right direction, it is your chance to branch out from your partner, to find support, to give yourself a break and reassess.  Find your own interests and passions; find you again.  Of course this doesn’t erase the core issues that drove you to create this codependent relationship, but it will give you the space for clarity and in that space you have the ability to make changes.

All the best-
SupportGroups.com

By

Responding to Relapse: A Pastor’s Questions

Originally posted at: http://www.careleader.org/responding-relapse-pastors-questions/

August 24, 2016 by

im had been married to Rachael for eight years when she caught him viewing Internet porn, which he told her had been happening several times a week during the previous two months. Rachael was appalled and in shock! For the ten years she had known him, he’d seemed like an outstanding, moral Christian man. Jim agreed to seek counseling with their pastor. Jim and Pastor Paul agreed to the following:

  • Jim would be asked a series of accountability questions every week.
  • Jim would move the computer to a more public place in the home.
  • Rachael would put a program on their computer to block access to inappropriate sites.
  • Jim would start a program of Scripture memorization regarding purity.

Though Jim stopped viewing Internet porn, Rachael subsequently discovered that he had gone to an adult bookstore to purchase a pornographic magazine. Both Rachael and Pastor Paul were surprised and frustrated with Jim.

Pastor Paul approached me with these questions, “What did I do wrong? Do I have any business trying to help someone with this type of problem?”

“Paul, I don’t think you did anything wrong. Each of the strategies you used with Jim was fine. Asking accountability questions confronts Jim’s double life. Sin thrives in an atmosphere of deceit and secrecy. Placing the computer in the living room makes it harder for him to sin with it. That is consistent with Jesus’ statement in Matthew 5:29–30 (ESV): ‘If your right eye [or] your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away,’ rather than go to hell. In other words, it’s good to make it difficult for Jim to sin again.”

“But it didn’t work! Do you think the Bible is appropriate for this type of problem?”

The Bible is sufficient for discipleship

“Yes, I do think it’s appropriate. Let me clarify: The Bible is sufficient to give us what we need to know in order to honor God in all areas of our lives. Peter tells us that everything we need for a godly life is available through our knowledge of the One who called us so that we might become more like Him (2 Pet. 1:3–4). As Jim’s pastor, the Bible is your tool to accomplish what God wants you to accomplish with him (Ps. 119; 2 Tim. 3:16–17). Although cultures and technologies change over time, the human heart has not changed since the fall. Jesus, Paul, and Peter did not have computers, but they had to deal with the same motives and desires of the human heart that drive the search for computer porn today. Lust now is what it was then.”

“But what I did—which I think is ‘biblical’—didn’t work. What more could I have done?”

“I think what you set up with Jim was fine as far as it went. We just need to make sure your strategies reflect the depth of the Bible’s portrayal of the human condition and God’s response to it in Christ.”

“Go ahead …”

The Bible is sufficient to expose our double-mindedness

“Two characteristics of the fallen human heart are ‘double-mindedness’ and ‘self-deception.’ James (1:8, 4:8) uses the concept of ‘double-mindedness’ to describe a professing Christian who tries to live according to two opposing value systems simultaneously. Trying to live by God’s standards and the world’s standards at the same time produces these effects: instability, inconsistency, hypocrisy, conflict, and ultimately, a friendship with the world that makes the person an enemy of God.

“For Jim, this means two things. First, being at odds with God blocks his access to the power and wisdom that God provides when we humbly ask Him (Rom. 6:5–11; Gal. 5:22–25; James 1:5–7). Second, double-mindedness means there will be an ongoing drain on his resolve to live a Christian life. The resulting emotional distress will set up Jim for impulsive, self-centered reactions, like retreating into the fantasy world of porn. Pornographic fantasizing can distract him from the distress temporarily, and that is very reinforcing. But in the long run, the consequences associated with the self-centered reactions will overshadow any perceived benefits, and his life will spiral downward in a tailspin. If that happens, then he likely will seek short-term relief, driven by a sense of desperation. ‘People are slaves to whatever has mastered them’ (2 Pet. 2:19).

The Bible is sufficient to expose our self-deceptions

“Double-mindedness is nurtured by the capacity we have for self-deception. We can layer untrue beliefs about the world upon untrue beliefs about ourselves in such a way that, without someone intervening, we don’t even realize the inconsistencies in our lives (Jer. 17:9; Gal. 6:1–3; James 1:22–25).

Self-deceptions seem to justify sinful behavior

“We deceive ourselves in a variety of ways, so I think you need to help Jim come to recognize how he manages to deceive himself. You need to ask him a question like, ‘What do you say to yourself leading up to your use of porn?’ In essence, you’re asking for his rationalizations that seem to ‘justify’—or even ‘warrant’—the use of porn. Then you need to help him replace that thinking with more biblical thinking.”

“I wonder what possible justifications he could have for this.”

“Jim might be telling himself that he is unworthy of his wife’s affection. If so, inquire about what evidence supports his conclusion. Or Jim might be telling himself that Rachael is not going to satisfy him the way he ‘needs.’ If so, you should help him understand the distinction between ‘need’ and ‘desire.’ He may have convinced himself he ‘needs’ something from her that is unnecessary or ungodly. Jim might be telling himself that ‘it’s better to use porn than to go out and have an affair with someone.’ If so, he should be reminded that lust ‘in the heart’ is no less offensive to God than acting on it with another person (Matt. 5:28)—even though the social consequences are less severe.

“Some of these ungodly beliefs could come out in your conversations about his temptations, but not necessarily. Jim could focus more on circumstances or other external considerations without going any deeper into the thoughts and desires of his heart. But that’s ultimately where the conversations need to go. It might take a while for him to come up with answers to these questions, and it will take time for his thinking to be constrained by the Bible. Be patient with him.

Self-deceptions can confuse our regrets

“A particularly important self-deception you need to be on the alert for is ‘worldly sorrow’ substituting for ‘godly sorrow’ in Jim’s life (see 2 Cor. 7:10–11). In both types, there is regret and an emotional burden (guilt and/or shame). In both types, there can be tears and apologies. Unfortunately, we can deceive ourselves into thinking that the experience of worldly sorrow is sufficient to prompt positive changes in our lives. In fact, worldly sorrow can motivate lifestyle changes, but there’s a fundamental problem with changes motivated by worldly sorrow: they don’t honor the Lord. If they don’t honor the Lord, they afford no protection against further sin; in fact, they actually prepare the person for further sin.

“Therefore, if Jim is showing signs of remorse, you should ask him, ‘What are the consequences of your behavior that you regret?’ If God’s honor is not a prominent part of his answer, you can assume he is experiencing worldly sorrow. In that case, help Jim grasp the depths of God’s holiness and grace, like Isaiah did from his vision in the temple (Isa. 6). Impress upon him the reality mentioned in Galatians 6:7–8: You should not allow yourself to be deceived. God will not be mocked. You will reap what you sow. Fortunately, you can reassure Jim by telling him God’s grace is always sufficient to insure a good harvest.”

“Great. I’ll give this a try. Thanks.”

Moving forward

The fallout from a relapse can touch many lives in many ways. In Jim’s case, his wife’s trust has been shattered. His pastor’s faith has been challenged. Jim, of course, has several significant challenges ahead of him. In this article I touch on the challenges of double-mindedness and self-deception. Another challenge for Jim will be dealing with shame–a sense that now he is fundamentally flawed. Shame will push him to reconsider the way he’s always thought of himself. In my article Responding to Relapse: Dealing with the Shame, I pick up Jim’s struggle with this potentially pernicious fallout of sin.

Dr. Jeff Forrey
Senior Writer/Content Developer

An expert in the field of biblical counseling and education, Jeff contributes regularly to CareLeader. With his knowledge of theology and his skill as a writer, he brings valuable contributions to the Church Initiative editorial team.

Jeff has been a counselor and trainer for the Center for Biblical Counseling & Education (St. Louis, MO) and Biblical Counseling Center (Arlington Heights, IL). He has taught biblical counseling for Evangelical Theological College, Trinity College of the Bible & Theological Seminary, Westminster Theological Seminary, and Reformed Theological Seminary.

Jeff is a graduate of Delaware Valley College (BA, biology), Westminster Theological Seminary (MAR, counseling/theology), the University of Alabama (MSPH, health behavior), and Trinity Evangelical Divinity School (PhD, educational studies).