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Read This If You Feel Unworthy

Originally posted on Thought Catalog

“You are not an accident”

I was sitting in my room one morning when this phrase came to me in a fit of inspiration. I was feeling down on myself about things I could be doing better, ways that I wasn’t living up to what other people wanted from me. How I wasn’t this enough or that enough. How I wasn’t successful enough after an expensive college education and doing everything that all of us are told to do in order to be successful.

After going through these feelings one by one, it dawned on me that despite this obsession with perfection – by people, institutions, and the media alike – it’s unattainable and I shouldn’t feel bad for being who I am right now. Right in this moment. Even if that person is a work in progress there is still meaning to my existence.

I happen to deeply believe that everything happens for a reason and there is a purpose to all of the crazy, wacky, disturbing, and unsettling things that happen to me – whether I play a part in it or not. Even if I don’t understand all of it, it’s not my job to understand all of it.

I am not an accident.

In that moment, I reached for a post-it note and wrote that quote down in sharpie to tape to my bedroom wall.

Whether you believe in God or not, isn’t it a beautiful sentiment?

The way that you are, the things you feel, your shining moments along with your doubts and insecurities – they’re all what make you, you. You are the way that you are, undoubtedly. And no part of it is wrong. It is part of your humanness.

You are not wrong.

We all have flaws. Our flaws and struggles are a gift, given to us so that we may transcend them and help others see their way out of their hardships more clearly.

If you believe in Christian philosophies, then you have probably heard the phrase/affirmation:

“I am fearfully & wonderfully made” – Psalm 139:14

By believing this, you take away all of the shame and self-hatred that is seemingly normalized by today’s culture. If the person you are today is good and fair and kind and doing their best, then you can cut yourself some slack. You may not be the most organized, the most devout, the most patient, the most put together – but if you’re showing up each day and you care then you’re already on a respectable path.

You’re Trying.

Whatever value or criticism others tell you aside from what you know about yourself is simply an opinion. Take it as such. And note that their opinion doesn’t matter so much anyway. That’s one of the many reasons why it is so important to get to know yourself, so you won’t live your life at the will of what other people tell you.

Ultimately, you’re the one who has to wake up each morning and live your life. So take it easy on yourself. Be kind to you. You’re not an accident. You have a purpose. Whether you assign yourself one, seek to find the one that God/the Universe has set for you, or don’t know exactly what it is yet – remember your worth and value.

As Elizabeth Gilbert wonderfully said in her new book Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear:

“The Fact that you are here – a creation of God – is proof that you deserve to be here.”

Exist. Take up space. Unapologetically. It’s your birthright.

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Overcoming Thoughts of Spiritual Betrayal (by God)

SOURCE: Dr. Gregory Jantz/AACC

If you have faith in God, depression can be similar to a betrayal by him.

After all, you have trusted him to care for you, yet you are still depressed.  You may have heard from your childhood that, as a Christian, you were to experience and exhibit joy, peace, patience—all the fruit of the Spirit spoken of in Galatians 5:22-23.  This sense of betrayal may haunt your sleepless nights and invade your despairing thoughts.  Feeling forgotten by God, you may even be angry at him.

This anger at God can contribute to your depression by provoking feelings of guilt.  You don’t think you should be angry at God, or you don’t think you have the right to be angry at God, so you feel guilty when you pray, the more you are convinced that he could fix it, but he won’t .  You doubt his love.  But you’ve also memorized John 3:16, which begins, “For God so loved the world…” so you’ve been told he does love you.  Looking at all of this, you conclude he’s got a lousy way of showing his love, at least to you.

Or you may think, Perhaps I don’t deserve his love.  Maybe he doesn’t change my situation because I don’t deserve joy and peace in my life.  Possibly the things I’ve done are so bad that he wants to love me but can’t because of who I am.  And if God can’t love me, then I’m not really worthy to be loved by anyone.  And if my life is to be empty of love, hope is impossible.  If you look at it this way, depression is completely understandable.

Or is it?

Have you picked up the stream of thoughts in this line of reasoning?

It takes snippets of truth—God loves you, and Christians are to live lives of joy—and twists those around into something meant to injure you, not give you comfort.  This line of reasoning is not from God; it is from the Deceiver.  Rage is a deceiver.  False guilt is a deceiver.  Abject despair is a deceiver.  Depression is a deceiver.  That is why when you are in the midst of depression, you must replace your own negative self-talk with God-talk, which is based upon truth.  This God-talk will support your positive self-talk by agreeing with affirming statements, such as these:

  • I deserve love. (“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” – John 3:16)
  • I deserve joy. (“Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away” –Isaiah 51:11)
  • I am strong enough to learn and grow each day. (“It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect” – 2 Samuel 22:33)
  • I can experience contentment in my life. (“I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation” – Philippians 4:12)
  • I am able to respond to my circumstances, instead of react. (“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will” – Romans 12:2)
  • I can look forward to tomorrow. (“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness” –Lamentations 3:22-23)

How do you fill your life and your mind with God-talk?

The Bible is full of life-affirming messages.  It is, at its heart, a love story.  It is a story of a loving God, who created you to love you and to be loved by you.

Like every great story, there is a separation, which must be overcome by terrible sacrifice.  Through God’s sacrifice of his Son, Jesus, you are able to confidently say, “I can live happily ever after.”

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Authored by Dr. Gregory Jantz, founder of The Center • A Place of HOPE  and author of 35 books.

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7 Questions to Ask Yourself When You’re Angry

SOURCE:  Bob McCully/Thriveworks

Everyone gets angry, but some of us get angry more often and with greater intensity than most people. If you’re one of those people, here are some questions to ask yourself that might lead to less anger.

Am I truly understanding the other person?

Perhaps you misunderstood. Maybe you assumed inaccurately that he or she intended to hurt you with their comment. Maybe you really got angry because her posture reminded you of that teacher years ago who used to berate you. Stop and think.

Are my expectations reasonable?

Larry grew up in a household where his Mom was a full-time housewife. She cleaned every day and expected him to help. Now his wife works full-time and they have a 2-year-old son. He gets angry at her when anything is out of place. Is he being reasonable? Sarah expected her adult daughter to call her every day. Is that realistic? Examine your expectations, and change them, if appropriate.

Am I angry at the right person?

Stress can build up from a hundred little annoyances during the day. You’re angry at your boss, but you can’t express it or you’ll lose your job. The weather is cloudy and cold; the traffic is slow and irritating on the way home. Then when your son leaves his bicycle in the driveway, you blow up. Breathe deeply. Focus on the present moment.

Is my anger getting me what I want?

Alex spent much of his time at home yelling at his wife and his children. What he wanted was a cooperative family. What he was getting was a distant relationship with everyone. His wife was contemplating divorce. His children resented him and never talked to him for fear that he would start yelling. If anger is not working, try calm dialogue.

Is my anger out of proportion to the offense?

Teresa had a way of making mountains out of molehills. Every little inconvenience was a great catastrophe that she complained angrily about to her friends. Her friends learned to tune her out or avoid her. For this kind of anger, the deeper question is, are you going to spend your life angry because the world does not conform to your needs, or are you going to accept the fact that real life circumstances are often inconvenient and sometimes difficult? Accept life as it is.

How are they feeling?

That is, how are the objects of your wrath feeling? Are your children feeling oppressed and unloved? Is your employee feeling hopeless and frustrated? Is your spouse feeling irritated and resentful? Empathy can make us stop in our tracks and try a different strategy.

Can I really change this situation?

You are only one person in a great big world. You have some power, but it is limited. You may be wasting your energy being angry. Twelve step groups use this helpful prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to tell the difference.” Practice wisdom, not anger.

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Bob McCully is a licensed professional counselor with Thriveworks Counseling Charlotte.

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Get in the Recovery Zone

Originally posted at: https://themeadowsiop.wordpress.com/2016/08/11/get-in-the-recovery-zone/

by The Meadows Iop

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By Aleah Johnson, Alumni Coordinator at The Meadows

It’s hard to believe we are already halfway through summer! This time of year can be a glorious one for some and stressful one for others. Many people have kids who are out of school, family trips and vacations, and longer days with an abundance of activities to take part in.

With the heating up of temperatures and the heating up of schedules, we must make the time to take extra care of our bodies, our minds, and our spirits. This is especially true for people in recovery.

The Recovery Zones

At The Meadows, we encourage working the process of recovery zones. You may find yourself sliding in out of each of these zones throughout your recovery, and that’s okay! Anytime you feel that you are getting off track, take the time to assess and re-enter any of the zones.

Recovery Zone

Stay in the Zone!

Recovery has its challenges, but so does everyday life – life is in session and we all know that some days get ahead of us. Sometimes, “trust the process” is easier said than done. However, we must not let that skew our recovery. Don’t let one day throw you off track. It is important for us to stick to this path and stick to the journey.

Do what you can do to live a long and healthy life; this will help not only you, but also others in recovery. We have all spent too many past years being active in our lives but not actually living it with purpose; you are worthy of a life you love.

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ARE YOU ADDICTED TO PORN?

In today’s world, porn addiction is the most common form of sexual addiction. Without doubt, this is thanks to the Internet, which offers an almost endless supply of free, easily and anonymously accessible erotic imagery of every ilk imaginable. For porn addicts, the Internet is a bit like dropping an alcoholic in a liquor store and saying, “Everything is free, drink as much as you like, and nobody will know what you’ve been up to.”

In general, porn addiction is defined based on the same criteria as every other addiction:

  • Preoccupation to the point of obsession
  • Loss of control over use, most often evidenced by failed attempts to quit or cut back
  • Directly related negative life consequences, including ruined relationships, problems at work or in school, depression, isolation, shame, loss of interest in previously enjoyable hobbies and activities, declining physical health, financial woes, legal trouble, etc.

Research tells us that active porn addicts typically spend at least eleven hours per week with pornography. And many compulsive porn users say they “lose themselves” in porn for double or even triple that amount of time. Unsurprisingly, most of these hours are spent online, with addicts perusing traditional porn websites, tube sites, dating sites, social media, hookup apps, etc., constantly searching for the perfect image or video, or at least the newest image or video. Yes, traditional forms of pornography still exist—magazines, books, DVDs, adult bookstores, adult theaters, and the like—but digital-era porn addicts nearly always prefer the anonymity, affordability, accessibility, and, most of all, the never-ending variety they can find online.

Common signs that porn use has escalated into porn addiction include:

  • Increasing amounts of time spent searching for, viewing, masturbating to, exchanging, and/or organizing pornography
  • Continued porn use despite promises made to yourself (or others) to stop
  • Continued porn use despite directly related negative life consequences
  • Viewing progressively more arousing, intense, or bizarre sexual content
  • Lying about, keeping secrets about, and covering up the nature and extent of your porn use
  • “Losing time” with porn (intending to go online for a few minutes and then realizing, many hours later, that you are still online)
  • Shame about the amount and/or types of porn you are using
  • Depression and/or anxiety related to your porn use
  • Social and emotional isolation
  • Reduced or total loss of interest in real-world sexual relationships
  • Anger or irritability if asked to stop using porn
  • Masturbation (in conjunction with porn use) to the point of abrasions or injury
  • Sexual dysfunction (erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, inability to reach orgasm) with real world partners but not with pornography
  • Escalation from two-dimensional images and videos to casual/anonymous hookups, prostitutes, webcams, affairs, etc.
  • Drug and alcohol abuse/addiction/relapse in conjunction with (or in response to) porn use

Sadly, most porn addicts are reluctant to seek help for their problem, often because they don’t view their solo sexual behaviors as an underlying source of their ever-increasing life problems. Other times, porn addicts keep quiet because they are too ashamed of their behavior to openly discuss it. Sometimes, as consequences begin to mount, compulsive porn users seek treatment for their addiction’s related symptoms (relationship woes, depression, social isolation, and the like) rather than the porn problem itself. In such cases, these individuals may attend therapy and other 12-step groups for months or even years without ever mentioning or being asked about porn use. As such, their core issue remains underground and untreated, and their symptoms grow worse instead of better.

Written By: Robert Weiss