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Toss Your Textbooks: Docs Redefine Sexual Behavior Addictions

Toss Your Textbooks: Docs Redefine Sexual Behavior Addictions

American Society of Addiction Medicine agrees to disagree with DSM
Published on September 15, 2011 by Gary Wilson in Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow
A major event has occurred in the realm of addiction science and treatment. America’s top addiction experts at The American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM) have just released their sweeping new definition of addiction. This new definition ends the debate over whether sex and porn addictions are “real addictions.”  They are.

The new definition resulted from an intensive, four‐year process with more than 80 experts actively working on it, including top addiction authorities, addiction medicine clinicians and leading neuroscience researchers from across the country. … Two decades of advancements in neurosciences convinced ASAM that addiction needed to be redefined by what’s going on in the brain.

The new definition leaves no doubt that all addictions—whether to alcohol, heroin or sex, say—are fundamentally the same. Dr. Raju Haleja, former president of the Canadian Society for Addiction Medicine and the chair of the ASAM committee that crafted the new definition, told The Fix, “We are looking at addiction as one disease, as opposed to those who see them as separate diseases. Addiction is addiction. It doesn’t matter what cranks your brain in that direction, once it has changed direction, you’re vulnerable to all addiction.” …Sex or gambling or food addiction [are] every bit as medically valid as addiction to alcohol or heroin or crystal meth.

Click the link below for the full article as well as other great posts on sexual addiction issues.

Psychology Today Sex Addiction Article

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic – 3/31/2012

The Iceberg Model

In today’s Castimonia meeting I presented what is referred to as the “Iceberg” Model of behavior and addiction.   I was fortunate enough to come across these two great articles (linked at the bottom) on the front page of the Focus on the Family website.  I remember reviewing the Iceberg Model in my Sex Addiction Specialist training but it seems we did not spend enough time on it.  However, the two-part article linked at the bottom does an excellent job at explaining the concept.  For the sake of the meeting time and group sharing, I will try to summarize it to the best of my ability.

The diagram to the left was passed out during our meeting.  It displays the overall concept of the Iceberg Model.  In understanding this model a reference to the Titanic was made.  This reference, quoted below, came from the first part of the article linked at the bottom.

Titanic Parallel Quote:

“A computer simulation of the crash indicated there would have been less damage and loss of life if the ship had hit the iceberg head-on, instead of trying to skirt around it at the last minute. That point hits close to home, too, doesn’t it? Even when our foolhardy behaviors lead us on a collision course, we do all we can to avoid the impact, rather than face our struggle head on. We deny, lie, ignore, shift blame, lash out, and further medicate ourselves to avoid coming to the conclusion that our life is quickly sinking.”

Many times during our addiction-filled years, when a partner caught us, we tried to minimize the behavior or problem.  We used lines such as “every guy does it” or “it’s not as bad as you think.”  It is only when we confront the problem with the truth, that we begin to find healing!

Behaviors:

At the top of the iceberg and above the water line are the behaviors.  These behaviors are what are noticeable to others and to ourselves (particularly when we step out of our denial).  These “acting-out” behaviors can be explosive rage and anger, excessive alcohol drinking, illegal drug use, use of pornography, or sexually acting out in destructive ways.  These behaviors are visible and tangible items.  In recovery, we learn to stop these behaviors.  However, that is not enough.  Simply stopping the behaviors will not allow God to heal us.  Other destructive behaviors may come forward to take the place of the subdued behavior.  A sex addict may being compulsive eating.  An alcoholic may have fits of anger and rage.  A drug user may begin acting out sexually.  We call this the “whack-a-mole” syndrome.  When one acting out behavior is subdued, another one pops up elsewhere!

Thoughts:

One level beneath the water surface are our thoughts.  We examine what we are thinking and why.  We look at ourselves and what we think about ourselves, what negative thoughts we have been fed or have fed ourselves.  We look at our “stinking thinking” and bring it out to the open.  In the open, we can analyze and allow for clarity and healing.  We use our recovery tools to stop these intrusive thoughts, even sexual ones!

Emotions:

Moving down to the next section, we view our personal emotions.  We need to be able to ask ourselves, “What am I feeling?” or “Why am I feeling this way?”  It may not seem “manly” to get in touch with our feelings, but this is a very important part of why we act out.

“Left untreated, emotional wounds fester, leading to pain worse than the original wound. Paradoxically, until the painful consequences of our reactive behavior feels worse than the emotional pain we’re trying to medicate, we will continue to engage in harmful behaviors. In other words, we only stop when the iceberg sinks us.”

We need to understand our feelings in order to find healing.  As the old saying goes, “God heals what I feel.”

Spirit:

Finally, at the base, we look at our spirit.  Our spirit is where we are most like God.  I believe God has designed us to need and want him.  The quote below summarizes this concept.

“Many refer to the “God-shaped void” we supposedly have inside us. A more complete view of our spirit reveals that God created us to need, above all else, intimacy. By our nature, we are driven to seek an intimate connection with Him. No drug, religion, person, sex act, or consuming hobby can ever take the place of that connection.”

It is also important to distinguish between religion and a relationship with God.  What we need in recovery is a relationship with God.  Unfortunately, many of us (myself included) have dived into a religion rather than a relationship with God.  It is the relationship we need to seek to fill the void inside us.  No religious ritual will ever replace an intimate relationship with God.  A perfect example in the way I have set a barrier is in trusting God. “Am I able to transfer trust to God when it comes to issues like my relational, emotional, spiritual, and physical security? ”  This is a question I will want to quickly answer “yes” until I think about my family.  I am very quick to take all power from God and hold it for myself when it comes to the security and safety of my family.  This is one place I want to let go and let God.  Baby steps….

Take what you like and leave the rest!

ARTICLE: Understanding Intimacy Disorder and Addictions 1

ARTICLE: Understanding Intimacy Disorder and Addictions 2

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Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 4

In Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 1 I openly discussed the issue with excessive lustful thoughts and self-gratification (masturbation).  In Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 2 I go one level deeper into the viewing of pornography and its effects on the brain and how an addiction can quickly form.  In Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 3, I went further “down the scale” of sexual purity and looked at situations where a man has crossed the “flesh line” so to speak.  In Part 4, I address the topic question and also address the partners of men who struggle with sexual purity issues.

Question:  Men’s Sexual Purity Support & Recovery, Is it for you?

Answer: ABSOLUTELY!

Regardless of what stage of sexual impurity you might be in as a man, entering a proper support program is essential!

FOR THE WIVES/PARTNERS:

Question: Does my husband/partner struggle with sexual purity issues?

Answer: As a man, there is a strong possibility he does.

Remember the therapist joke in Part 1?  “80% of men struggle with some sort of sexual purity issue and the 20% that say they do not, are lying.” There is a lot of truth to this “joke.”

In today’s sex-charged culture, more and more men are being tempted sexually.  Next time you are at the grocery store, look at the cover or inside the magazines marketed toward men.  Watch a sporting event on TV and you can see how advertisers “know” how to grab a man’s attention! How about the increase in “Sports Bars & Grills” where waitresses wear skimpy outfits?  Who do you think is their target market group? (And men, these types of restaurants are NOT ok.  If you visit one of these restaurants, it had better be your wife’s choice and you better be facing out the window!)    The objectification of women has been normalized in our culture!

Please understand, however, that the amount of sexual purity with which your husband will struggle will vary.  It may only be a struggle with lustful thoughts and fantasies, but it could also be a lot more.  The key is, to allow your husband to seek support for any sexual purity issues he may have in his life.  If he only struggles with “minor” lustful thoughts and actions, it is imperative that he begin receiving support before he moves on to another level of sexual purity struggle!  If he struggles with more, he will find the help and support he needs to become courageous enough to step out of the shadows and into the light.

Ladies, DO NOT shame your husband because he is seeking help with his sexual purity struggles!  It takes a lot more courage to open up and say, “I might have a problem” than to keep it a secret and act as if nothing is wrong.

Ladies, ask your husband if he struggles with any type of sexual purity.  His answer, at a minimum, better be “sometimes or once in a while” even if he does not look at pornography or has had sex outside the marriage!  If he responds, “NO or Not at all” then he is not being truly honest.  And yes, having lustful thoughts is considered a sexual purity struggle.

Ladies, be open and honest about sexuality with your husband.  Don’t shame him for wanting to be sexual with you (and husbands, don’t shame your wife because she doesn’t).  Open a dialog about both of your thoughts and feelings on sex within the marriage.  If there are extreme differences, then a third party (such as a pastor or counselor) should be brought in to mediate, ascertain, and give godly advice to both of you.

Ladies, if your husband plans to attend a Castimonia meeting, DO NOT assume he is visiting sexually oriented businesses, viewing pornography, masturbating, having an affair, or is a “Sex Addict.”  Understand that Castimonia meetings are for any man that struggles with any type of sexual purity!  You, the wife, should be encouraging your husband to attend.

At Castimonia meetings we learn tools that help us combat sexual purity issues.  We learn about what real intimacy is between a husband and wife – not just physical, but, more importantly, emotional and spiritual intimacy.   We learn to be open, honest, and intimate with other men and use these men to support us in our battle against sexual temptation and sexual impurity.  We learn to be a “team” of warriors and not isolate ourselves.  This is where the enemy wants us; alone!

So next time a Castimonia meeting is being held, wives, you need ask your husband, if they have not attended, why they are NOT going to the meeting.  Encourage them to reject passivity on the subject of sexual purity and seek to be the sexually pure men that God wants them to be.  Encourage them to lead courageously and be the spiritual leaders of your household as well as have the courage to speak to your children now or in the future about healthy sexuality.   And enourage them to learn how to be truly intimate and love you in ways that are healthy!

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic – 4/14/2012

This morning’s topic is a “Musical Topic” where I hand out the lyrics to a “recovery-related” song and we all share.  This also relates to our work in Step 4.  Below are the lyrics and my discussion on the subject:

Fixxxer
Metallica

Dolls of voodoo all stuck with pins,
One for each of us and our sins,
So you lay us in a line Push your pins, they make us humble.
Only you can tell in time
If we’ll fall or merely stumble

(Chorus):
But tell me
Can you heal what father’s done?
Or fix this hole in a mother’s son?
Can you heal the broken worlds within?
Can you strip away so we may start again?
Tell me, can you heal what father’s done?
Or cut this rope and let us run? Just when all seems fine and I’m pain free
You jab another pin
Jab another pin in me

Mirror, mirror upon thy wall
Break the spell or become the doll
See you sharpening the pins
So the holes will remind us We’re just the toys in the hands of another
And in time the needles turn from shine to rust

(chorus)
Jab it

Blood for face
Sweat for dirt
Three x’s for the stone
To break this curse
A ritual due
I believe I’m not alone
Shell of shotgun
Pint of gin
Numb us up to shield the pins
Renew our faith which way we can
To fall in love with life again
To fall in love with life again
To fall in love with life again
To fall in love
To fall in love
To fall in love with life again

(Chorus)
Oh yeah

No more pins in me, yeah
No more, no more pins in me
No more, no more pins in me
No more, no more, no more
No, no, no

Topic:

Typically secular music is not played at Castimonia unless it has a direct relation to our issues of sexual purity, addictions, or recovery.  When I first heard this song in 1997 I didn’t think much about it.  In 1997 I was still on the downward spiral of my own sexual addiction and really didn’t think much of the song except that is sounded “good” and pumped me up when I would work out.  I might of even thought it was about some sort of torture ritual.  It’s no wonder secular music stations that play this music and think it is “cool” and fitting to their sinful ways!  Most heavy metal fanatics bang their heads to this music, not realizing that there is a deeper meaning to the music.

I hope that you guys won’t throw a fit and say to yourself (or me), “Heavy Metal music is for devil worshipers, how dare you play that in a Christian setting!”  Then again, whatever you think about me is none of my business.  So bear with me.

Recently, I listed to this song and it has an entirely different meaning.  Looking at life through my “recovery goggles” or in this case “recovery headphones” I see and hear things differently, they take on different meanings. I learn to understand the world in a different light.  In order to understand these lyrics, a short history lesson of James Hetfield from Metallica is in order.  James Hetfield is now a recovering alcoholic.  He spent decades of his life in the addiction and the music he and other band members wrote reflect the out of control lifestyle they lived while in their addiction as a form of acting out from a less than stellar childhood.  It’s no wonder their music has these types of “screaming out” for healing!  It’s also no wonder why I was so quickly attracted to their music.  At a subconscious level, I too could relate to broken people like James Hetfield, his lyrics spoke to me, I just never realized why until I entered recovery.

In dissecting the song Fixxer, we see James screaming for healing for his Absent Father Wound, something he attributes to his “acting out” later in life.  You see, James’ father left early in his life and he was raised by his mother.  Furthermore, because of the strict religious upbringing (Christian Scientists) they did not believe in administering medication, even when James’ mother was dying from cancer.  This is why we read the lyrics, “Can you heal what father’s done? Or fix this hole in a mother’s son? Can you heal the broken worlds within? Can you strip away so we may start again? Tell me, can you heal what father’s done?”

When I listen to this song, I think of various times in my recovery when I asked or thought these same questions.  First, it was God, can God really heal me and what happened to me in childhood.  The answer I received was “YES” but I’m going to have to work for it!  Secondly, I thought of my sponsor and working the 12 steps, could they really help me heal these wounds from the past and move forward?  Again, the answer I received was “YES” but I’m going to have to incorporate them into my daily life, working them over and over, every day of my life.  Finally, I thought of my therapist, can he help God heal my childhood wounds?  I’m still on the fence about this one, but I’ve felt the pain and suffering of going through childhood sexual abuse, having an absent father, and all the other junk from my childhood that formed me into the person I am today.  God heals what I feel!  I believe that God can heal me, but I have to be able to go through the tough stuff first.

A part of this song as it relates to Step 4 and recovery:  It seems that a new pin is introduced every so often.  We can call these our character defects that were made known to me in Steps 4 and 5 and how more and more keep coming up as we mature in our recovery.  Even after working through those steps, other, different character defects may come forward, ones that we did not see before.  Also, for some of us, the pain from digging deeper into our childhood reaching to what possibly could be the core of our acting out seems like another pin being stuck in us.  This can come in the form of an absent father, an overbearing mother, childhood sexual abuse, introduction to pornography at a young age, etc…  Sometimes, in my own recovery, I have often stated “no more pins in me!”

One final thought on this song.  An interesting line in this song is the mention of the “pint of gin, numb us up to shield the pin.”  James wrote this before entering recovery for his Alcohol addiction.  However, as all addicts know, our addiction and the acting out tends to numb us from our emotions, from seeing our character defects, and from wounds inflicted upon us as children or later in life.  It is important to see the addiction for what it is, just a very false shield to try to protect us from the pain we have experienced in life.  Many of us have chosen to act out rather than go through the pain, it is common.  However, in recovery, we learn to fall in love with ourselves and learn to fall in love with life again.

Take what you like, and leave the rest….