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Effects of Childhood Sexual Abuse, Part 3

Effects of abuse, part 3
By Paul Irby Special to the Abilenian
Abilene Reporter-News
Posted February 4, 2009 at 1:08 p.m.

This third article in the series of six reflects what can be called a continuation of a chain reaction beginning with the cognitive impacts discussed last month, which lead to the emotional experiences discussed in this article. The most common emotional experiences a sexually abused child encounters include fear, anxiety, anger, guilt and shame.

Fear and anxiety are closely related emotions. Many of their physiological and psychological experiences are identical. Fears and anxieties experienced by an abused child can be specific to gender, age range, status or race. When these fears are category-specific it is most likely tied to associations with the abuser. Fears and anxieties can also be more broad and general. Common generalized fears of abused children include the fear of their secret being found out, being rejected by peers and being emotionally vulnerable which would ultimately lead to being betrayed by someone else.

I recall working with a 23-year-old man who had been sexually abused by his mother from the age of 6 until the age of 21. One of the main reasons for his desire to seek therapy was “feeling angry all the time.”

I explained to my client that when I hear someone make such an assertion that my mind immediately returns to what I know to be the nature of anger. Anger is a secondary emotion. Quite literally, what that means is that anger is what we feel second in the sequence of emotional experience. Most often what is felt first is some kind of fear. This is only true of genuine anger, not frustration or irritation.

Think back to your own experience of being cut off in traffic. We can easily identify the feelings of anger toward that driver and our subsequent desires to express that anger. If someone were to ask you how you felt after being cut off, you would probably frame this experience as one that prompted anger. However, if we were to trace back the very first emotional experience, it would be one of fear. For the driver, it is the fear that the vehicle or self might be hurt, and the fear quickly manifests itself into anger. So, when I heard my client contend that he was “angry all the time,” we began a discussion of what fears are present that lead to his consistent feelings of anger. In reality one who has been abused, who walks around angry “all the time,” is living with pervasive fear. Anger was the way in which this person chose to protect himself from the fears becoming a reality.

Guilt and shame are often used interchangeably in our language, but an important distinction was made to me by one of my wise clients. He defined guilt as “believing you did something bad” and shame as “believing you are a bad person.” When considered in the framework of one who was sexually abused as a child, this is one of the biggest lies he or she can believe. While much of our society can look from the outside in to another’s experience and logically make a case finding fault in the abused child’s reactions or responses, these outsiders are wrong. Often they will say things like, “well you shouldn’t have kept it a secret so long,” not recognizing the power of intimidation, fear and humiliation that maintains the secret. Abusers use sick “logic” to rationalize abuse, claiming that the child “flirted” with them or “wanted it as much as they did.” These abusers fail to recognize their humane responsibility as adults to the welfare of children, and often confuse affection for sexual advancement.

Survivors of abuse will internalize these inaccurate beliefs that result in feelings of guilt and shame. Children should never be blamed for abuse perpetrated against them.

Paul Irby, M.A., is a licensed professional counselor with the Ministry of Counseling and Enrichment. Mental Health Matters is facilitated by the Mental Health Association in Abilene.

The original article can be found here:
http://www.reporternews.com/news/2009/feb/04/effects-abuse-part-3/

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Effects of Childhood Sexual Abuse, Part 2

Effects of abuse, part 2
By Paul Irby Special to the Abilenian
Abilene Reporter-News
Posted January 7, 2009 at 11:28 a.m.

Last month we examined the multifaceted reasons why some children who are sexually abused seem to have more intense and pervasive effects from the abuse and why other children seem more resilient. This month we begin taking a look at what some of those effects can be. Just as the factors leading to these effects are multifaceted, these impacts are multidimensional. Also, keep in mind that the effects mentioned are possibilities, and not all survivors of abuse will experience all of the signs or symptoms detailed in this and subsequent articles. Although we are going to be examining these dimensional impacts in separate articles, they are connected. We know that how we think and what we believe influences the way we feel, and how we feel influences our behavior. Therefore, we begin our discussion with the cognitive or mental impacts sexual abuse can have on its’ victims.

Flashbacks and nightmares are two of the more widely known residual cognitive manifestations. Flashbacks can be triggered environmentally or experienced as unexpected seemingly spontaneous intrusive thoughts. The most common environmental triggers are associated with sight and smell. Seeing the abuser (or even someone resembling the abuser), visiting the location of the abuse, and encountering odors associated with the abuser or location of the abuse are obvious triggers. More subtle triggers are associated with other senses, such as hearing certain phrases, voice tones, inflections and encountering certain textures.

Flashbacks are generally experienced in one of two ways. Either the survivor experiences memories of the abuse like a terribly vivid movie playing in their mind, or they have a memory that causes them to consider all the ways they could have done something differently, further exacerbating the harmful myth that they had a role in perpetuating the abuse.

Nightmares are an issue that deals with the unpredictable and irrational subconscious, and therefore it is difficult to have truly insightful comment. Therefore, my input here is fairly limited. Nightmares can have varying degrees of frequency and intensity. Some experience recurrent nightmares (the same nightmare over and over), while others have different nightmares that reflect or distort what they encountered. Some antidepressant medications, such as Cymbalta, have been associated with more vivid and realistic feeling dreams. Please consult your prescribing physician if you have questions related to medication side-effects.

Beliefs that survivors of abuse develop about themselves and the world around them are other devastating cognitive impacts. Consider for a moment your own experience of sitting in a restaurant and noticing couples or families sitting together and seemingly enjoying a meal. It is most people’s natural tendency to assume the best about those whom we observe. We assume the couple are happy and in love or that the family is healthy and stable.

Between the ages of 10 and 13 children begin to develop more abstract, deductive and inductive reasoning. Along with this development, the abused child comes to the correct understanding that his home life and/or experiences are different from what he has seen on the Disney channel or read about in books. This child who is at school or other social places with peers begins to make the same assumptions as we do. However, these assumptions often lead to the distorted belief that no one else’s home life is like theirs and, therefore, they are different from everyone else.

Being exposed to the trauma of sexual abuse often leads its’ victims to believe that the world or certain aspects of it are untrustworthy and unsafe. This is especially true of the child who is abused by a parent or other family member who is “supposed to be” trusted. It is these core beliefs that the child develops about themselves and the world around them that lead to feelings of depression, anxiety, fear, anger, shame and guilt that will be explored in this article next month.

Paul Irby, M.A., is a licensed professional counselor with the Ministry of Counseling and Enrichment. Mental Health Matters is facilitated by the Mental Health Association in Abilene.

Original article found here:
http://www.reporternews.com/news/2009/jan/07/effects-abuse-part-2/

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Effects of Childhood Sexual Abuse, Part 1

April is designated as abuse prevention month for the state of Texas.  Therefore, the majority of posts for this month will orbit around childhood abuse and the effects of such abuse.  I pray that our world can come to a place where no child is ever abused again!

Effects of abuse, part 1
By Paul Irby Special to the Abilenian
Abilene Reporter-News
Posted December 3, 2008 at 11:21 a.m.

It seems the sexual abuse of children is an epidemic in our society. This evil respects no boundaries of gender, race, ethnicity or socioeconomic status. The Mental Health Association of Abilene recognizes thousands of people in the Big Country have been impacted by this epidemic. Therefore, executive director Kirk Hancock has commissioned the penning of six articles over the course of six months for the purpose of educating the general public regarding the potential developmental impacts of sexual abuse on its victims.

When approaching the discussion of this subject, it is important to note there are no standard or predictable outcomes, and some seem to adjust better post-abuse than others.

For the next five months, Mental Health Matters will have articles highlighting how specific dimensions of a person can be impacted by sexual abuse. These articles will take a “shotgun” approach to describing potential impacts. It should be noted not all survivors of sexual abuse will experience all the effects discussed, and the intensity with which others endure their respective impacts will differ. Therefore, it stands to reason that we first answer the question of what factors influence the intensity of the adverse developmental impacts on a child who has been sexually abused.

The duration and frequency of the abuse is one important component to consider. Some children experience the abuse on a daily, weekly or monthly frequency for a duration of months or years. Others have endured less chronic or isolated instances of abuse. It is this latter group that has the least amount of susceptibility to adverse consequences down the road.

Another consideration is the kind of abuse perpetrated. Survivors with the most intense developmental impacts are those who sustained penetration orally, anally or vaginally. The invasive nature of these acts adds to the already deep sense of violation, both physically and psychologically. Sexual abuse can include less invasive, yet still horrific, forms such as manual stimulation and groping over the clothes.

The response of adults to the child’s disclosure of the abuse is another vital piece to understanding the resilience of some abused children.

Common mistakes parents and other significant adults make when a child musters the courage to disclose the abuse are not believing the child, blaming the child or defining the child by the abuse. The lack of support, blame and even punishment of the child can have just as devastating impacts as the actual abuse.

Other factors include the age and temperament of the child, the presence of violence or intimidation, along with the sexual abuse and the relationship of the abuser to the abused.

While nothing positive exists in an abusive situation, there are “best case” scenarios. Bear in mind, even children who come from a “worst case” scenario who access quality professional help and have a solid social support system can not only survive, but thrive.

Next month we will explore possible mental or cognitive impacts sexual abuse can have on a child.

Paul Irby, M.A., is a licensed professional counselor with the Ministry of Counseling and Enrichment. Mental Health Matters is facilitated by the Mental Health Association in Abilene.

Original article found here:
http://www.reporternews.com/news/2008/dec/03/effects-abuse-part-1it-seems-sexual-abuse-children/

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Red Light

I have taken the liberty to edit out what I felt might be triggering language for our readers in recovery.

Red Light
by Brian Westbye

They used to say that my looks could stop traffic. Yeah, I’d stop traffic for any cheap hood waving a $20 in my face. Looks can only take you so far, and then it’s what you do with your looks. And when you’re young and dumb and desperate to make it…

I worked Avenue B a lot. Noon rush, usually. I’d get lots of executive types that would cut out for a little “exercise” on their lunch break, if you know what I mean. Alphabet City was a wasteland back then, so these big-wigs would come down from midtown or up from the financial district, ‘cause they didn’t want to be seen anywhere around their offices. Smart, right? But business was good. Lots of Jaguars and Mercedes and guys that had money to burn on cocaine and hookers. And there I was.

Like I said, I was young and dumb. Fresh from the sticks. I wanted to make it as an actress. Hell, who didn’t? I tried waitressing, but I was horrible at it. Tried working in a grocery store, but I was horrible at that, too. Tried working as a secretary, but I couldn’t pass all those tests. I was out of work, and one of my girl friends suggested I try it. Some friend, right?

I guess I got “lucky” on my first time. I went out with my girl friend, and my first was some middle-management guy in a cab. He was clean, and he was staying at the Sheraton on Seventh at 52nd.  First time out and I hit the jackpot.

If only the rest were like that. You wouldn’t believe what pigs some of them were. Guy in a Bentley pulls up, I jump in and the car reeks. Can you imagine sex with that? Sometimes we’d do business in the car on the sidewalk in broad daylight. And sometimes we’d check into the most disgusting flops you could imagine. Cockroaches, stains on the sheets…just sick. Lot of times after a  job like that I had to take my shoes off in the street and shake out the bugs. And you can imagine what it felt like up my skirt.

It’s a hell of a thing to be servicing a guy whose wardrobe is worth more than your monthly rent in a dump like that. It really kind of makes you feel your place in life. But I felt my self-worth in a pile of bills in my hand at the end. And then I went out and felt even more self-worth.

Me and my looks, right? Jesus. Me, the Human Red Light.

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The Prostitute

The Prostitute
by A Single Delight

All she wants is to be held in someone else’s arms.

It’s a gnawing feeling that only crawling into someone else’s bed can erase, and even then, she’s found that the ideal arms she’s looking for are not as easily found as she first thought they’d be.

The first man had skin like burnt sand, made to look even darker by being carpeted with coarse black hair. His muscles were high-strung and cruel, but even so, she almost didn’t want to escape, because he’d convinced himself that he needed her in the way that a master needs a slave.

The next set of arms were milder, with reddish undertone that flared up when the owner’s blood quickened. They were kind arms that lulled her into dancing for him; a jerky, disjointed dance where she became like liquid in his arms, and flopped about helplessly, even with his support. To them, their dance was never embarrassing unless someone else pointed it out.

She’d also been desperate enough to go to the arms of a merchant; a man with fat, golden arms covered with self-inflicted scars. Time after time, those arms would give her no rest, not even when she tried to give him everything he wanted. Despite this, she would usually go back to him, not because he is any better than the others, but because she is the one who made him rich.

She continues her search, even if it means she has to writhe on the ground in order to move forward. People raise their eyebrows at her stubbornness and persistence, while some laugh at her stupidity. Others would wrinkle their nose in disgust, but most would try to ignore her presence. Very few have shed tears for her.

She is not a prostitute. A prostitute demands money for her services. A prostitute is wanted. A good prostitute can twist others’ arms into loving her and giving her everything she could ever want, and more.

She is the opposite of a prostitute – even though she does the same things, she goes about it in the opposite way, with the opposite effect. So she builds shrines to herself, settles for the arms of second-rate men, and tries to forget where home is.

The above story is one person’s analogy of what is written in Ezekiel 16 about Jerusalem and her destestable practices.  God uses “shock & awe” to get His point across to the people of Jerusalem by comparing them to a prostitute that freely gives herself to many lovers.  How have you prostituted yourself?