CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

Saturday Morning Meeting Topics

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Video – Somebody’s Daughter

I first saw this video during my 3-day intensive.  It was emotionally moving.  However, it wasn’t until I played this video to my Castimonia Saturday morning meeting group in February that I was completely overwrought with emotions concerning the theme that these women, in pornography, prostitution, strip clubs, etc… are somebody’s daughter.  As a father of two beautiful young girls, I can relate 100%, and use that to my advantage and my sobriety.  Don’t let the enemy lie to you and tell you that the woman in the pornographic scene you are watching or the woman dancing in a strip club, or even waitressing in a skimpy sports bar outfit is not real or wants to do this for a living.  Always remember that she is somebody’s daughter, maybe even your own!

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic, 08/04/2012 – Step 8 Step Study

We made  a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)

Today’s meeting is the first meeting of the month which is typically a “Step Study” of the corresponding month.  Since August is the 8th month, we reviewed Step 8 in both The Twelve Steps for Christians and the SAA Green Book.

In understanding step 8, I must understand three core concepts.  The first concept is that the harm I have caused others was because of more than just my sexual acting out.  I admit that I had harmed numerous people directly and indirectly through my sexual activities, but the harm mentioned in Steps 5 and now in Step 8 has little to do with my sexual acting out.  The very first sentence of the SAA Green Book states it as clear as possible:

“With the Eighth Step, we begin to take responsibility for the harm we inflicted on others when we acted on our character defects.”

In reading this sentence, my list just got a lot longer.  Not only did I have to make amends to the countless victims of my sexual acting out, but now I also had to make amends to those I had harmed through my anger, impatience, procrastination, and other character defects.  I had lashed out in anger over trivial matters at work and I needed to add these people to my list.  I had lied to others about being late to meetings or appointments, I had to make amends to these people as well.

The second core concept is that in working Step 8, I only had to make a list.  I could not worry about the actual amends process, all I needed was a list of names and the harm I had done to them.  My list became rather long but my sponsor helped me trim it down by consolidating “anonymous” sex partners and separating them from people I actually associate with on a daily basis.  I would not make face-to-face amends with these former sex partners, but that is a discussion for next month and Step 9.  The bottom line is, make a list, that is all.  I couldn’t worry about how I was going to get in contact with these people or how I would make amends.  All I had to do is make a list with names and write down the specifics of how I harmed them with my character defects or my sexual acting out.

The third core concept is that I had to become willing to make amends to all of them.  Wanting to make amends and becoming willing to make amends are two different concepts.  I want to make amends to everyone I had harmed, but was I truly willing to do so?  I needed to review the harm I had caused them with my sponsor in step 8 (and later in again in step 9) and then become willing to make amends to them in order to “clean up my side of the street.”  For me, I was willing when I was able to empathize with the pain my character defects had caused them.  I was able to understand the harm I had caused them, leaving my selfish addicted-filled shell behind and truly empathized with these people.

Many tears were shed during my Step 8 meetings with my sponsor.  God had opened my eyes (and heart) to the harm I had caused others in my out-of-control lifestyle.  I was now ready to move on to working on Step 9.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic – 07/28/2012 – Luke 18

In today’s meeting I read the scripture below from Luke 18.

The Parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector

9 To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else,   Jesus told this parable: 10 “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11 The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. 12 I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’

13 “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’

14 “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

In working the 7th step (and in our recovery), we need to understand what being “humble” really is, and what it will gain us.  When we humbly ask Him to remove all of our shortcomings, we are coming to him like the tax collector, asking for God’s mercy because we are sinners.  Even in our most perfect of days in recovery, we still can sin.  It is important to always remember that it is progress not perfection and that pride comes before the fall.  The moment we become like the Pharisee and “show off” all we do in our recovery for our own glory, not God’s, is the moment the relapse back into our old ways begins.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

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Saturday Morning Meeting Topic, 07/07/2012 – Step 7 Step Study

We Humbly Ask God to Remove All Our Shortcomings.
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)

In step 4, we listed our character defects, in step 5, we admitted them to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, and in step 6, we became entirely ready for God, not us, to remove our defects of character.  Now, in step 7, we ask God to remove all of our shortcomings and we do it humbly.

So what does it mean to be humble?  Of course, as an engineer, I have to list the definition so as to avoid confusion:

hum·ble/ˈhəmbəl/
Adjective: Having or showing a modest or low estimate of one’s own importance.
Verb: Lower (someone) in dignity or importance:  “I knew I had to humble myself to ask for His help”.

In understanding what humble really means, I was able to really submit to God by lowering my own importance well beneath that of God’s importance.  In my addiction, Sexual acting out was my “god” and I was it’s only begotten son.  I was the most important man in my life, I did not care about others, only about my own sexual satisfaction or own personal wants.  After I hit rock bottom and I saw my powerless over sexual acting out and how crazy my life had become I began the process of becoming humble; well, actually God began that for me.  I then saw how insane my behavior truly was, I needed help from my higher power, in my case God thus lowering my own importance compared to Him and to others around me.  I then went on to give myself to Him on a daily basis, not always perfect, but progressing in the process of turning my life and will over to God’s care.  And then I did my internal search and saw who I really had become.  I listed my character defects and all my wrongs and I really knew I needed His help.

As an addict, I am too familiar with humiliation so I must distinguish between humility and humiliation.  The SAA Green Book defines humility as being teachable, vulnerable, and open.   I need to be open to new ways of thinking and new ways of living my life.  I need to be teachable and learn these new ideas as well as emotionally vulnerable to others, asking for their help as my recovery continues.  Humility, for me, is not walking up steps on my bare knees to show that I a humble worshiper, it is not dragging a 200lb+ cross on my back as I whip myself (or others whip me) with torture whips from the Roman Empire era.  The latter two seem more like humiliation … to me.

Just asking for help from others is an act of humility and of being humble.  Understanding that I can’t do this by myself is a wonderful gift; it feels great to know that I am not all powerful and I need help, every day.  I also have come to the understanding that change occurs on God’s time, not mine.  As an addict, I was used to the quick fix, the instant gratification, the quick escape.  In my early recovery, I felt the same could be done for my healing; quick and easy with no pain or suffering!  I was very, very wrong!  I often commented how I would have entered recovery 10+ years earlier than I did and the comments I received back after many meetings was, “it’s all in God’s time, not ours.”  It took me working through my own recovery to really realize that everything happens on God’s time, when God says the time is right, not when I say it is.  I also need to keep in mind that I need not be concerned with the results, all I need to do is ask.

One of my favorite ways God works in my life is through other people in and outside of recovery.  I often state in my weekly Bible reading group that God uses men (and women) around us to speak to us.  Sometimes these people “tell it like it is” and point out to me a character defect that has risen up, which in turn allows me to be entirely ready and then humbly ask God to remove it!  There are many other ways God uses people to do His work in our lives, but that is subject for another post.

It isn’t until we have looked at all these character defects and humbly asked God to remove them that we are ready to repair any harm we have done in the past.  If we do not look closely at these character defects, they might come forward during our amends, things like pride, resentment, fears, etc… might interfere with our Step 8.  So it is important to be in a place in our recovery where we can have these character defects removed (even just temporarily enough) so we can move forward and make the list of the persons we had harmed, without having these all too familiar character defects pop up and interfere with the recovery process.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

In today’s topic I read from the Twelve Steps for Christians and the SAA Green Book

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Declaration of Independence

A Declaration of Independence:

Today, we celebrate Independence Day in the United States of America.  I am grateful for the freedoms we have been given in this country.  Some of the freedoms I had, however, were very harmful to me.  These freedoms included the freedom to view and use pornography, the freedom to pursue happiness in legal forms of sexual acting out, and the freedom to worship my own god; sex addiction.  I have also been given new freedoms, the freedom choose a recovery program that satisfies my needs, the freedom to say “no” to sexual acting out, and the freedom to call Jesus Christ my higher power, and worship Him fully without fear of persecution or harm against me or my family.

Independence means a lot of things to different people.  The definition is written below:

in·de·pend·ence
/ˌɪndɪˈpɛndəns/ [in-di-pen-duhns] noun
1. Also, independency. the state or quality of being independent.
2. freedom from the control, influence, support, aid, or the like, of others.

In my case, it is freedom from the control of my sexual addiction and the behaviors associated with that addiction.  Every July 4th, I not only celebrate the independence of these United States of America, but I also make the following declaration written below, as edited from the original Declaration of Independence.

I, Jorge S., a recovering sex addict, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of my intention, do, in the Name, and by Authority of Jesus Christ and my healthy being, solemnly publish and declare, That I am, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent of sexual compulsive behaviors, that I am Absolved from all Allegiance to demoralizing and incomprehensible compulsive sexual behaviors, and that all connection between me and my addiction, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as a Free and Independent man, I have full Power to levy War against my addiction, conclude Peace of mind, contract Alliances in my recovery, establish psychological therapy as needed to do all other Acts and Things which a healthy, sexually pure man may of right do.  — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Jesus Christ, I mutually pledge to my Life, my Fortunes, and my sacred Honor.

My declaration is short and to the point, definitely not as elegant as the one written by our Country’s founders.  Also, I wish it was as simple as making the declaration!  The United States had to fight a war, and subsequent wars against the British to gain their independence.  Furthermore, the United States had to continue to battle against other foreign nations in order to gain full independence.  And later, it had to fight a Civil War (a war against oneself) in order to maintain its independence!  Even today, the United States continues to fight to maintain its independence, this fight may be against terrorists, against energy monopolies, against corruption, etc…  The point is, the United States of American has continued to fight to maintain its independence and must continue to fight.

In this same way, I need to continue to fight against my sexual addiction.  I can’t let my guard down.  If I do, then I will have allowed my addiction a foothold into my life and that makes the fall easier!  I must be always vigilant in my struggle to maintain sexual purity.  Sexual Purity is not a right, it is a privilege given to me, by God, on a daily basis, and I must always be grateful for that privilege and do whatever I can to maintain it.  I have not been and am not perfect, however, I will continue to strive for progress, not perfection in my recovery.

So I not only declare indepenendce from my sexual addiction but also that I will do whatever it takes to maintain my sobriety. One moment at a time, one second at a time, one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time!

Take what you like and leave the rest.