CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

Saturday Morning Meeting Topics

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic – 04/28/2012

RESENTMENT

A friend in recovery once told me that “resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die”.  So in essence, resentment is like drinking poison.  We poison our minds with resentments we hold onto and in some way, shape, or form, hope that the person we resent “feels” our pain.

Well this simply is not the case.  The person whom we resent does not, and cannot feel our pain.  Resentment, however affects us deeply and we feel the pain from our own resentment of others.  No matter what has happened in your life, no matter what was done to you, to hold onto a resentment is your own fault, not someone else’s.

I was sexually abused as a child, and for many years I had this hidden level of resentment for my abusers.  I always kept it hidden deep inside and did not really open up and discuss the resentment I really had for these individuals but in really I was just in denial about the abuse.  I did not even see it as abuse and a resentment until a therapist helped me see my abuse for what it really was, childhood sexual abuse.  Once I opened that door to the truth, I was flooded with feelings of sadness, anger, rage, hate and found myself resenting these other people and what they took from me; my innocence.  I was under the illusion that it was not childhood sexual abuse because my abusers were my age or a little older.  Also, I actually enjoyed the sexual acting out with one girl in particular and never questioned my friends when asked to perform sexual acts with them.  I was under the illusion that sex was part of friendship and that being loved by a female was translated through her wanting to be sexual with me, initiating the sex.  I grew up with this misconception and it greatly affected numerous relationships I had as an adult.

So how do I work on my resentment?  Well the 12 Steps has a solution on working on these issues.  Step 4 states, “Made a Searching and Fearless Inventory of Ourselves.”  What does this mean?  It means we look deep into our character defects and part of this looking deep is to look at where we still hold onto our resentments.

In working a Step 4 inventory on my resentment, I was able to properly list out the resentment, give specifics about why I am resentful, and then in Column 3 describe in detail how it affects me personally (self-esteem, security, ambitions, personal relationships, sex relations).  However, Column 4 is perhaps the most important column in this Step 4 resentment inventory.  In Column 4, we describe where we are wrong in holding onto this resentment.  We list where we were being selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened and thus held onto this resentment.

For the sake of time and space, I won’t go into all the details of working a Step 4 on my particular resentment.  Please consult with your sponsor for a detailed analysis on working a proper Step 4, as he might see things in your that you cannot see for yourself.

Today’s meeting was held at Rick’s Ranch in Sealy, TX.  The address and directions to the ranch can be found below.  Two or three more meetings this year will be held at Rick’s and we have food, fun, and fellowship afterward.  Getting to know one another outside a normal meeting setting is very important for establishing trust and friendships with one another in our recovery!

April 28, 2012 – Castimonia at Rick’s Ranch
On Saturday, April 28, 2012, Castimonia will NOT be meeting at The Fellowship at Cinco Ranch.  The church will be holding a parent’s summit that Saturday.  Castimonia will meet at Rick’s Ranch near Sealy, TX.  We will have our regular meeting at 10am and have a food fellowship at 11:30am.  We should be finished by 12:30pm but you may leave earlier if needed.

Rick’s Ranch
9597 SE I-10 Frontage Road
Sealy, TX  77474

Here’s a bing map of the location: http://binged.it/JD7AIE

Click on the map below for a full-size image with driving directions.

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic – 3/31/2012

The Iceberg Model

In today’s Castimonia meeting I presented what is referred to as the “Iceberg” Model of behavior and addiction.   I was fortunate enough to come across these two great articles (linked at the bottom) on the front page of the Focus on the Family website.  I remember reviewing the Iceberg Model in my Sex Addiction Specialist training but it seems we did not spend enough time on it.  However, the two-part article linked at the bottom does an excellent job at explaining the concept.  For the sake of the meeting time and group sharing, I will try to summarize it to the best of my ability.

The diagram to the left was passed out during our meeting.  It displays the overall concept of the Iceberg Model.  In understanding this model a reference to the Titanic was made.  This reference, quoted below, came from the first part of the article linked at the bottom.

Titanic Parallel Quote:

“A computer simulation of the crash indicated there would have been less damage and loss of life if the ship had hit the iceberg head-on, instead of trying to skirt around it at the last minute. That point hits close to home, too, doesn’t it? Even when our foolhardy behaviors lead us on a collision course, we do all we can to avoid the impact, rather than face our struggle head on. We deny, lie, ignore, shift blame, lash out, and further medicate ourselves to avoid coming to the conclusion that our life is quickly sinking.”

Many times during our addiction-filled years, when a partner caught us, we tried to minimize the behavior or problem.  We used lines such as “every guy does it” or “it’s not as bad as you think.”  It is only when we confront the problem with the truth, that we begin to find healing!

Behaviors:

At the top of the iceberg and above the water line are the behaviors.  These behaviors are what are noticeable to others and to ourselves (particularly when we step out of our denial).  These “acting-out” behaviors can be explosive rage and anger, excessive alcohol drinking, illegal drug use, use of pornography, or sexually acting out in destructive ways.  These behaviors are visible and tangible items.  In recovery, we learn to stop these behaviors.  However, that is not enough.  Simply stopping the behaviors will not allow God to heal us.  Other destructive behaviors may come forward to take the place of the subdued behavior.  A sex addict may being compulsive eating.  An alcoholic may have fits of anger and rage.  A drug user may begin acting out sexually.  We call this the “whack-a-mole” syndrome.  When one acting out behavior is subdued, another one pops up elsewhere!

Thoughts:

One level beneath the water surface are our thoughts.  We examine what we are thinking and why.  We look at ourselves and what we think about ourselves, what negative thoughts we have been fed or have fed ourselves.  We look at our “stinking thinking” and bring it out to the open.  In the open, we can analyze and allow for clarity and healing.  We use our recovery tools to stop these intrusive thoughts, even sexual ones!

Emotions:

Moving down to the next section, we view our personal emotions.  We need to be able to ask ourselves, “What am I feeling?” or “Why am I feeling this way?”  It may not seem “manly” to get in touch with our feelings, but this is a very important part of why we act out.

“Left untreated, emotional wounds fester, leading to pain worse than the original wound. Paradoxically, until the painful consequences of our reactive behavior feels worse than the emotional pain we’re trying to medicate, we will continue to engage in harmful behaviors. In other words, we only stop when the iceberg sinks us.”

We need to understand our feelings in order to find healing.  As the old saying goes, “God heals what I feel.”

Spirit:

Finally, at the base, we look at our spirit.  Our spirit is where we are most like God.  I believe God has designed us to need and want him.  The quote below summarizes this concept.

“Many refer to the “God-shaped void” we supposedly have inside us. A more complete view of our spirit reveals that God created us to need, above all else, intimacy. By our nature, we are driven to seek an intimate connection with Him. No drug, religion, person, sex act, or consuming hobby can ever take the place of that connection.”

It is also important to distinguish between religion and a relationship with God.  What we need in recovery is a relationship with God.  Unfortunately, many of us (myself included) have dived into a religion rather than a relationship with God.  It is the relationship we need to seek to fill the void inside us.  No religious ritual will ever replace an intimate relationship with God.  A perfect example in the way I have set a barrier is in trusting God. “Am I able to transfer trust to God when it comes to issues like my relational, emotional, spiritual, and physical security? ”  This is a question I will want to quickly answer “yes” until I think about my family.  I am very quick to take all power from God and hold it for myself when it comes to the security and safety of my family.  This is one place I want to let go and let God.  Baby steps….

Take what you like and leave the rest!

ARTICLE: Understanding Intimacy Disorder and Addictions 1

ARTICLE: Understanding Intimacy Disorder and Addictions 2

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic – 4/14/2012

This morning’s topic is a “Musical Topic” where I hand out the lyrics to a “recovery-related” song and we all share.  This also relates to our work in Step 4.  Below are the lyrics and my discussion on the subject:

Fixxxer
Metallica

Dolls of voodoo all stuck with pins,
One for each of us and our sins,
So you lay us in a line Push your pins, they make us humble.
Only you can tell in time
If we’ll fall or merely stumble

(Chorus):
But tell me
Can you heal what father’s done?
Or fix this hole in a mother’s son?
Can you heal the broken worlds within?
Can you strip away so we may start again?
Tell me, can you heal what father’s done?
Or cut this rope and let us run? Just when all seems fine and I’m pain free
You jab another pin
Jab another pin in me

Mirror, mirror upon thy wall
Break the spell or become the doll
See you sharpening the pins
So the holes will remind us We’re just the toys in the hands of another
And in time the needles turn from shine to rust

(chorus)
Jab it

Blood for face
Sweat for dirt
Three x’s for the stone
To break this curse
A ritual due
I believe I’m not alone
Shell of shotgun
Pint of gin
Numb us up to shield the pins
Renew our faith which way we can
To fall in love with life again
To fall in love with life again
To fall in love with life again
To fall in love
To fall in love
To fall in love with life again

(Chorus)
Oh yeah

No more pins in me, yeah
No more, no more pins in me
No more, no more pins in me
No more, no more, no more
No, no, no

Topic:

Typically secular music is not played at Castimonia unless it has a direct relation to our issues of sexual purity, addictions, or recovery.  When I first heard this song in 1997 I didn’t think much about it.  In 1997 I was still on the downward spiral of my own sexual addiction and really didn’t think much of the song except that is sounded “good” and pumped me up when I would work out.  I might of even thought it was about some sort of torture ritual.  It’s no wonder secular music stations that play this music and think it is “cool” and fitting to their sinful ways!  Most heavy metal fanatics bang their heads to this music, not realizing that there is a deeper meaning to the music.

I hope that you guys won’t throw a fit and say to yourself (or me), “Heavy Metal music is for devil worshipers, how dare you play that in a Christian setting!”  Then again, whatever you think about me is none of my business.  So bear with me.

Recently, I listed to this song and it has an entirely different meaning.  Looking at life through my “recovery goggles” or in this case “recovery headphones” I see and hear things differently, they take on different meanings. I learn to understand the world in a different light.  In order to understand these lyrics, a short history lesson of James Hetfield from Metallica is in order.  James Hetfield is now a recovering alcoholic.  He spent decades of his life in the addiction and the music he and other band members wrote reflect the out of control lifestyle they lived while in their addiction as a form of acting out from a less than stellar childhood.  It’s no wonder their music has these types of “screaming out” for healing!  It’s also no wonder why I was so quickly attracted to their music.  At a subconscious level, I too could relate to broken people like James Hetfield, his lyrics spoke to me, I just never realized why until I entered recovery.

In dissecting the song Fixxer, we see James screaming for healing for his Absent Father Wound, something he attributes to his “acting out” later in life.  You see, James’ father left early in his life and he was raised by his mother.  Furthermore, because of the strict religious upbringing (Christian Scientists) they did not believe in administering medication, even when James’ mother was dying from cancer.  This is why we read the lyrics, “Can you heal what father’s done? Or fix this hole in a mother’s son? Can you heal the broken worlds within? Can you strip away so we may start again? Tell me, can you heal what father’s done?”

When I listen to this song, I think of various times in my recovery when I asked or thought these same questions.  First, it was God, can God really heal me and what happened to me in childhood.  The answer I received was “YES” but I’m going to have to work for it!  Secondly, I thought of my sponsor and working the 12 steps, could they really help me heal these wounds from the past and move forward?  Again, the answer I received was “YES” but I’m going to have to incorporate them into my daily life, working them over and over, every day of my life.  Finally, I thought of my therapist, can he help God heal my childhood wounds?  I’m still on the fence about this one, but I’ve felt the pain and suffering of going through childhood sexual abuse, having an absent father, and all the other junk from my childhood that formed me into the person I am today.  God heals what I feel!  I believe that God can heal me, but I have to be able to go through the tough stuff first.

A part of this song as it relates to Step 4 and recovery:  It seems that a new pin is introduced every so often.  We can call these our character defects that were made known to me in Steps 4 and 5 and how more and more keep coming up as we mature in our recovery.  Even after working through those steps, other, different character defects may come forward, ones that we did not see before.  Also, for some of us, the pain from digging deeper into our childhood reaching to what possibly could be the core of our acting out seems like another pin being stuck in us.  This can come in the form of an absent father, an overbearing mother, childhood sexual abuse, introduction to pornography at a young age, etc…  Sometimes, in my own recovery, I have often stated “no more pins in me!”

One final thought on this song.  An interesting line in this song is the mention of the “pint of gin, numb us up to shield the pin.”  James wrote this before entering recovery for his Alcohol addiction.  However, as all addicts know, our addiction and the acting out tends to numb us from our emotions, from seeing our character defects, and from wounds inflicted upon us as children or later in life.  It is important to see the addiction for what it is, just a very false shield to try to protect us from the pain we have experienced in life.  Many of us have chosen to act out rather than go through the pain, it is common.  However, in recovery, we learn to fall in love with ourselves and learn to fall in love with life again.

Take what you like, and leave the rest….