CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

sex addict

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Bedtime Stories: Flashlight Needed

I really enjoyed reading this short story.  See my personal interpretation below.

Bedtime stories: Flashlight needed

Posted on July 27, 2012 by Hobbles

Once upon a time there was a little boy. He had found a little dirt cave, all his own. It wasn’t that he didn’t like others, he just needed a secret. Every day when no one was watching, he would run to his secret place.

At first just being there was enough. He liked to be alone with his thoughts, his feelings…it was nice with no big sisters to bother him, and no one asking him questions or wanting him to do stuff. He grew to like the silence. To want it.

As time went on though, he became bored with his tiny space and he started digging out the walls to make it bigger. It wasn’t that hard to do. The dirt was soft. It got into his fingernails though, and that part was hard to scrub out, but with time he became used to the dirt. It stopped bothering him.

The hole did bother him though. He had made it bigger, but it still seemed to make him feel cramped. He realized that maybe if he cleared out a little more, it would feel alright, so he scraped the walls and clawed the dirt away.

Each day he still went home when playtime was over. He was a good boy. Just a little dirty and a little tired after all his digging. His sister stopped bothering him so much. She said that he was mean, but he didn’t care. He wanted her to leave him alone. His mom and dad wished he would stop getting so messy, but he tried to get clean. At least clean enough so they wouldn’t be mad.

Then he would wait. Wait and think about his secret. He thought about it a lot. When he was at school he wished he could go there. When he was helping his mom in the garden, he thought about how the dirt from the cave felt under his fingers. Sometimes he wondered if he should try finding a new hole. The one he had, was starting to get more comfortable though, in a still cramped way.

One day he went to the cave after school. He thought it was looking big. Maybe big enough, but if he added just a little more space…so, he dug. He clawed at the dirt on the walls, and he clawed at the dirt he could still reach on the ceiling. He felt a little fall down on him, but he didn’t mind. He was too focused on digging.

While he was digging at the ceiling near the door, some of the dirt from the back started falling down. It happened quickly, but the boy didn’t notice until clumps of dirt started breaking off in his fingers and he was struggling to breathe. Everything around him had caved in. His head and arm had been near the entrance to the cave, so he could see the sky and he could move his arm. He gasped for air as the pressure squeezed him. He closed his eyes…and he started digging…

The way I read the above story is that of an addict, particularly a sex addict who can escape into their own little world, or in this case, cave and medicate their feelings.  I learned to do this at a very early age.  I would escape feelings of loneliness and abandonment through sexually acting out.  The further into the addiction I went, the “safer” I felt until the cave-in and me hitting rock bottom.

Now, in recovery, I am digging my way out, slowly, carefully, one day at a time.

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Castimonia Monday Night Meeting Topic – Step 9 Step Study

Step 9: We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
“Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.  Honor one another above yourselves.  If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:10,18)

Today’s meeting is the first meeting of the month which is typically a “Step Study” of the corresponding month.  Since September is the 9th month, we reviewed Step 9 in both The Twelve Steps for Christians and the SAA Green Book.

I believe the most important reason to make amends is to clean up “our side of the street.”  When we make amends to others, we are not asking for their forgiveness, we are simply taking ownership of what we did to wrong them and offering to “pay” for the damage we caused.  This “payment” can be done in terms of actual money or other non-financial reparations that need to be made in order to offset the damage we have done, such as being emotionally present if we were emotionally absent in our addiction.

In making amends, we do not concern ourselves with the out come of the amends or the other person’s reaction.  Their reaction is not a reflection on how well or poorly we made amends, that is their business and none of ours.  Our only task in making amends is to take ownership for what we did wrong and make amends as previously mentioned.

Some of the best amends we can make to others are what are called “living amends” or basically a change in lifestyle.  When our friends, family, etc… see that we are now living a different lifestyle filled with gratitude and thanksgiving, then our amends become living.  The change that began in the first few steps is now seen as evident when we make amends to others.  This change continues as we grow in maturity and in connection with God.

Finally, we must understand the second part of step 9 – except when to do those would injure them or others.  This is extremely important if our amends to certain individuals will harm them more than do good.  Perhaps they no long wish to have any contact with us, therefore, we respect their decisions and make amends privately, written in a letter form, to our Sponsor.  This is also true for those of us who are married and wish to make amends to old acting-out partners.  Amends to these past partners should only be done if our spouse approves of the amends and method, and maybe tags along too!  Many spouses do not want the addict to make contact with old acting-out partners, which is a completely acceptable request from the spouse.  In these cases, we also write letters to our old acting out partners and read those amends letters to our sponsor.

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Convergence Summit Highlight Video

Reposted from http://www.covenanteyes.com/2012/07/09/how-does-porn-effect-the-body-and-brain/

Dr. Struthers’ recent talk at the Convergence Summit is filled with interesting comments like this. In 30 minutes, he brings the audience through a crash course on how pornography impacts the brain. “As a neuroscientist,” Struthers comments, “what I know is that the brain is perhaps the most sexual organ in the body.”

  • Dr. Struthers shows how pornography “supercharges” the area of the brain called the hypothalamus, the part of the brain responsible for primary drives: eating, drinking and sex.
  • Dr. Struthers talks about how pornography taps into the area of the brain—called the amygdala—that is responsible for negative emotions such as stress or anxiety or sexual tension.
  • Dr. Struthers also talks about how viewing pornography and masturbating weakens the region of our brain known as the singular cortex, the region that is responsible for moral and ethical decision making.

Not many people realize that there have been many studies done on the effect of pornography on the brain. Dr. Struthers distills this information in a way that is accessible to a general audience.

You can now watch all of Dr. Struthers’ talk, as well as talks given by several other scientific minds from the Convergence Summit.

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Video – Mark’s Story

Mark Laaser speaks about his Sexual Addiction

Watch Mark’s story of sexual addiction recovery, and access all the available resources for all types of addiction recovery at http://www.addiction2recovery.com

Dr. Mark Laaser holds a PhD in religion and psychology from the University of Iowa and an MDiv from Princeton Theological Seminary.  He is an internationally known author and speaker who has written six books, including Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction, Talking to Your Kids About Sex, and The Pornography Trap.  He is also an adjunct faculty member at several graduate schools.  He and Debbie started Faithful and True Ministries to counsel couples healing from sexual addiction.

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Help Me Save My Marriage! My Husband Watches Porn!

Help Me Save My Marriage! My Husband Watches Porn!
by Ella Hutchinson, LPC, CCSAS
Originally Published on June 28, 2012 at Breaking Free Blog

 When sexual addiction has not progressed beyond pornography, this may be even more dangerous and damaging to a marriage than when acting-out behaviors include sex acts with other people.

This may not seem to make sense. Surely, after doing research on sex addiction, many wives of porn addicts are relieved that their husband hasn’t done some of the extreme behaviors they have read about. They may even question if they are overreacting to his use of porn. It doesn’t help if friends and even counselors tell them this is “normal” behavior, and they should accept it and stop making mountains out of molehills. In reality this act that is seen as harmless by so many and perpetuated by society as completely acceptable. It is indeed extremely common, and well over half of men (including Christian men) look at porn, whether occasionally or daily.

Most people do not recognize the damage that is being done to a man’s brain when he exposes himself to this obscenity, whether sporadically or compulsively.

While my focus here will be on porn addiction, any women whose husband uses porn will find some helpful information here. Even when pornography use has not become an addiction, it is damaging and a wife has every right to insist her husband stop using porn. If he is unable to stop, this is a sign the problem could be more serious than it seems.

Meet Leah and John

Leah came to me after twenty years of marriage. She had recently learned about her husband’s pornography use. She had caught him a few times before, but was too focused on caring for three children, including one with serious health problems, to make too much of an issue of it. She didn’t like it, but like so many, she assumed there was nothing she could do about it.

However, by the time I met Leah, she had come to realize the issue was much bigger than she could have imagined. John was looking at porn at home, at work, and on business trips. Leah had found bills from pay-per-view movies in hotels, charges to porn sites on their credit card statement, and finally John admitted to using porn on his work laptop.

Leah knew John’s career was at risk, as was their financial stability, and of course their marriage. As she was consumed with caring for their children she hadn’t paid much attention to the fact that John’s sexual attraction to her had all but disappeared. She even pushed aside comments that she was not attractive enough or exciting enough in bed. Although these statements were incredibly hurtful, she just didn’t have the time to allow herself to dwell on it.

Leah’s Growing Conviction

As Leah’s children grew older she began to notice more distance on the part of her husband. She began to recognize how he had abandoned her when their daughter was sick and immersed himself in work and the Internet. The things Leah stumbled across on their home computer could just have easily have been discovered by one of their kids. When Leah confronted John all she got was comments about how all men look at porn, that she was overreacting, and that if she satisfied him then he wouldn’t have to turn to porn.

Finally, after researching sex and porn addiction Leah persuaded John to attend a twelve step meeting for sex addicts. John came back relieved at how much worse off so many of these guys were than he was. After all, he had not physically stepped outside the marriage. But Leah’s sense of betrayal was very real and only increased as John tried to justify and rationalize his behavior.

She tried reaching out to a friend who told her that her husband also looked at porn and that Leah should just ignore it. “All men do it.” Her pastor simply told her to have more sex with her husband and spend more time on her wardrobe, hair and make-up. A counselor told Leah to be more open-minded and try watching porn with her husband. Leah did try once, but it was uncomfortable for her and didn’t feel right. She never did it again. Still Leah went back and forth, questioning whether she was overreacting.

Will John Ever Change?

When Leah came to me I explained how porn affects a person’s brain and increases his lack of ability to experience intimacy. I explained how so often porn causes a man to prefer masturbation and images on the computer to his wife, no matter how objectively attractive he may find her. Healthy, monogamous sex is often no longer exciting or fulfilling. Even if there is still an active sex life within the marriage, a woman is likely to experience a lack of emotional connection and feel like her husband is not fully present with her. He may try to get her to parade around in lingerie or pressure her to participate in sex acts that she is uncomfortable with. Sometimes a wife refuses to join in on these activities. Other times she feels it is her duty as a wife to satisfy her husband in whatever way he wishes or that if she cooperates she will be able to keep him from straying. Unfortunately, this simply does not work and in fact, she in unaware that by accommodating her husband’s unhealthy desires she is participating in his acting out and could be fueling his addiction.

Over time, with Leah’s persistence, and by attending the group meetings, John was willing to admit he had an addiction. Leah insisted on an intensive for couples dealing with sex addiction and John agreed. During the disclosure and polygraph it came out that John had been looking at porn habitually since before they even met. This debunked John’s argument that his porn use had anything to do with Leah. Leah felt empowered by this, but during the intensive John admitted he was not confident he was even a sex addict. Leah was devastated.

Normalizing Behavior

See, a man who has acted out with prostitutes, has had multiple affairs, sex with random women he met online, when he has to write down all his sexual behavior in his lifetime, can no longer live in denial. He is more likely to quickly recognize the extent of his actions and the damage he has caused to himself and those around him, especially his wife. Men like John have an easier time normalizing their behavior. Reading books about sex addiction can be comforting as they learn stories of men getting arrested for using prostitutes, blowing their life savings on acting out, and participate in activities such as group sex. I recommend starting out with the book, Every Man’s Battle, for men struggling with porn addiction alone.

It is important to note that sex addiction is progressive, and men who compulsively use pornography are likely to eventually act out with another person if they have not already. Some red flags are e-mails and chatting with women online, posting or responding to ads on Craigslist, and unaccounted for time and money. While e-mails with plans to meet up with another woman or texts about sexual escapades may seem like obvious evidence that he has been physically unfaithful, it is shocking to me how many men are able to convince their wives that they did not follow through on these things and never planned to. He was just curious, just found the flirting exciting, doesn’t know why he did it but would never go outside the marriage. Perhaps, but probably not. What’s the expression about a smoking gun? Listen to your intuition, ladies.

Leah Sets Boundaries

So what did Leah do? She joined a therapist-led support group for wives of sex addicts and continued individual counseling for herself. She learned how to set boundaries. She insisted John sleep in the guest room and gave him a firm time frame of when he had to turn around his behavior or would have to move out. She made it clear what her expectations were of John. Some of these were individual counseling, regular twelve step meetings, regular polygraph tests, intensive aftercare, and eventually marriage counseling. She stopped checking up on John and sat back and watched to see if he would follow through with his commitments, as she turned more of her focus to finding healing from her own trauma.

Leah not only made it clear that the pornography must stop, but that John must also change the way he treated her and become more patient and humble in his dealings with her. When John did not treat her with the respect she knew she deserved, she calmly told him she would not engage in his manipulation or verbal abuse and that he could talk to her when he was ready to apologize and treat her properly. Then she walked away.

Most importantly, Leah learned about and implemented great self-care. In addition to her support group and counseling, she began taking daily walks that turned into jogs. She discovered that journaling was an excellent way to get out her feelings and when she was angry or sad she would write until she got it all out. Leah also learned that if she did not start her day with prayer and Bible study, she would not have the strength to handle her situation, but that these practices made it possible for her to get through anything, knowing her Heavenly Father was by her side.

John has not acted out sexually since the couple’s intensive six months ago. He just passed his last polygraph test. He is still struggling with expressing intimacy and empathy, but Leah holds out hope that with continued counseling, which he has embraced with open arms, he will get where he needs to be. She recognizes that this is a process and that while she is not obligated to stay, she has decided at this point it is what is best for her and her children. She doesn’t know what the future holds, but trusts God to lead her where she needs to be.

. . . .

Ella Hutchinson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Certified Clinical Sexual Addiction Specialist in Houston, Texas. She also serves on the Board for the International Association of Christian Sexual Addiction Specialists. You can learn more about Ella’s counseling practice, couple’s intensives, and support groups for wives of sex addicts on her website ComfortChristianCounseling.com.