CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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I Was a John

The story below was linked from an online news story and copied in its entirety.  I hope this “self-loathing” sex addict has hit rock bottom.  But by the second to last line, it sounds like he is still in denial of a problem….  May God grant him serenity!

It doesn’t pay to be a John. This is my story…

I write this piece as a warning to men in the DC metro area because I don’t want them making the same mistakes I did. In this large metropolitan area of nearly six million souls, you have people with a lot to lose; from your attorneys, business executives, scientists, and government employees, to your staffers that work on the Hill and even in the White House. So getting arrested (I’m not disclosing where I was arrested exactly) and having your reputation ruined is the last thing you want happening. Many of you who are repeat Johns or are thinking of becoming a John for the first time, need to think about that reality. I know it’s not something that really crosses your mind, but rest assured it can happen to you.

Take it from me, your former John. What I’ve done is now public information and is splattered all over the web. If you were to do a web search on my name, my mistake is there for the entire world to see. Sure it’s buried on the third or fourth page of search results, but eventually I’m going to have to answer for what I’ve done to anyone and everyone for the rest of my life. I wear a scarlet letter now.

I suppose I should be thankful. In other cities if you’re arrested for solicitation of prostitution; the police post a picture online along with your name and home address. It’s almost like you’re a sex offender, never mind that what you’ve done is a misdemeanor. They make if feel much worse; like it’s a felony. You’re almost expecting to be stoned to death in a public square.

What would drive any man to seek a prostitute and pay for sex you might ask. Some men are married and see escorts, while others are single. Some men are just lonely like myself. It takes all kinds–Eliot Spitzer, Jerry Springer, Hugh Grant, and David Vitter to name a few of the high profile cases. These are men who had everything, loving wives, great careers, kids, money and power, as opposed to the regular Joes (aka Johns, pun intended) with much less to lose, yet even that is too great a thing to willingly destroy.

As for me, I’m not married. I’m single. Actually I’ve always been single. I’m in my thirties and have never had a girlfriend. I’m not an attractive man. Women have never found me desirable. I was bullied a lot as an adolescent in grade school and this followed me all the way through my teenage years in high school. I wasn’t even safe in my own neighborhood. I was bullied for how I looked and for my ethnicity. I was a minority in a city full of minorities (I’m not originally from the DC metro area by the way). All of these attacks to my young persona destroyed me and the damage seems permanent. Even now, I really have no love for myself when it comes to my appearance. I value my ability to achieve and my intelligence, but other than that I don’t like myself very much. I am a lonely individual and loneliness can drive people to do the ridiculous.

My first sexual experience was with a lady of the night. It happened in my early twenties in the backseat of a friend’s car in the infamous Hunt’s Point section of the Bronx. After that experience it took me almost another decade to seek out paid sexual services again. I eventually came to the realization that I had hit my thirties and was a failure in my personal life. Everyone else I knew was either in a relationship, getting married or having children. This was how things are going to be I thought. I can only be with a woman if I pay for it and this is how things went for quite some time. I was now in the DC metro area & I used Craigslist to find my prospective “providers” until they shut that part of the site down and then I migrated to Backpage. Eros DC is another option but I found it was too expensive.

As I committed these acts, the thought of anything bad happening to me never crossed my mind. You hear about other Johns being arrested in the news, but you never think that you are going to be the one caught one day. Well, I was caught and let me tell you for what I’ve been through I’m never doing it again. I’ve never been in trouble with the law before and I don’t have a record, which is all the more reason why I found my arrest so traumatic.

—–

I found her on Backpage. She was advertised as the “perfect lover” a “busty Asian lovely doll.” She said she was Japanese. I gave her a call and asked her what her “donation” was. That’s the term you use when speaking to an escort. What you will often hear back is a monetary value followed by the word “roses” after it. In this case her donation was around a hundred “roses.” I then asked her where she was located. Sometimes they’ll ask you if you are a police officer first. Apparently, they think that by law if you’re a police officer you have to say that you are. Somehow, I doubt that.

In this case she did not ask of my “affiliation with any type of law enforcement.” I was given the address of a hotel where I was to meet her. When I was in front of that hotel I called her number again and was given her room number. When I knocked on the door and was let in I saw a woman who was not the woman I was expecting, this sadly is a reality of the escort underworld. She was much older but I went through with it anyway as many Johns often do in these scenarios.

After we were finished I proceeded to strike up a conversation. I learned that she was from China and was here on a visa. She had a husband that was still back in China. She was here to make money in one of the few professions open to someone here on a limited visa I suppose. She was heading back to China in August and this was only June. She was still learning to speak English and I found myself having to write down my sentences on a notepad so she could understand me better. I asked her what her age was and she answered with a question: how old was I? I told her my age and her next answer was that she was around that age too. It is only after we were all arrested and our names released to the public was I able to discern that she was actually much older.

It is at this time that I want to mention that I had actually seen her before. This was our second albeit unexpected meeting. Again, the Backapge advertising was false and I was expecting it to be someone else, but it was her again. As I left her place she gave me her number should I ever want to call on her directly again. Later, when talking to the police I would tell them that she wasn’t paying for the room herself. She was working for someone and would call them when a new John had arrived to confirm. I threw away the paper with her number on it as the police did not take it from me.

—–

I was leaving the hotel where I had just met my latest “friend” and was trying to justify the cost in my mind as I walked down a busy street bustling with nightlife. I was oblivious to my surroundings and I never saw my judge, jury and executioners coming. They appeared out of nowhere. The next thing I felt was the coldness of the glass window as I was forced up against it and then the tightness of the handcuffs as they were snapped into place on my wrists. It was open season on Mr. John. I was visible to everyone. Had anyone I knew seen me I don’t know what I would’ve done afterward to myself. I thought to myself that I rightfully deserved my fate and I am readily willing to admit it.

They were watching us Johns the whole time. As we went in an out of the rooms. In the end they got a whole bunch of us along with the escorts. It was a reverse prostitution sting without the female officer. They used the escorts that were there as the bait. I honestly should have turned back the minute I saw a police car in the parking lot leaving hurriedly, probably thinking that I spotted them or on their way to bust another John. But I wanted what I wanted and I paid the price. Even now when I walk past that hotel I look to see if they are staking the place out. I sometimes will see a police car parked there waiting for its prey. I then think about the poor fool who is about to be caught. Of course they use unmarked vehicles as well. If you see people standing around in a parking lot in plainclothes that’s them. All of this was being done the night I was caught, they actually didn’t come out of nowhere and I was stupid not to see the signs and know that they’re always watching.

I cooperated fully with the officers and told them everything they wanted to know. They spoke to me about the perils of prostitution. Besides the danger of STD’s (and yes I use protection) and the physical danger that these women are putting themselves into; I could also be robbed. They relayed to me some of the horror stories they’ve been subject to. While I too have read some of these stories online, having a police officer tell it to you in person really wakes you up to the reality.

So I appreciate what the police are doing and I know that I was wrong. All I’m saying is I’ll never do it again–not so long as I’m in a place where it’s illegal. The pain I’ve put myself through is not worth it. Now every time I’m walking and hear a car screech I flinch thinking it’s a cop coming for me.

I suppose I’ll rely on legal adult entertainment media from now on…

Don’t turn into me.

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Castimonia Tuesday Night Meeting Announcement

Just a reminder to everyone that we are starting a fourth weekly Castimonia meeting on Tuesday nights, beginning Tuesday, October 2nd!  The meeting will be held “off campus” at another church who was gracious enough to adopt Castimonia as their Men’s Sexual Purity Support & Recovery group!  Chad and Dale will be the facilitators for this new Castimonia group.

I look forward to seeing you this Tuesday night!

Castimonia Men’s Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group
Time: Tuesday Nights, 7:00PM – 8:30PM
Location: Vineyard Church of Sugar Land
Room B2240 (Park in the rear and enter doors under the car cover.  Go to the second floor)
5015 Grove West Boulevard
Stafford, TX  77477

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A Pastor’s Struggle With Sex and Porn Addiction

A Pastor’s Struggle With Sex and Porn Addiction
by Michael John Cusick
Posted: 09/21/2012  7:16 am

I’ve been counseling men with pornography and sex addictions for more than 20 years. Before that, I was one of them.

In my line of work, barely a day goes by that I don’t hear a story about a man or woman who has lost something dear — their marriage, family relationships, job, ministry, reputation, self-respect — because of pornography. Of course, when we experience such loss, it also affects spouses, children, friends, congregations and communities. Everyone loses when it comes to porn.

It’s tempting to think that there’s nothing wrong with a porn habit — that no one gets hurt. We think we’re protecting our spouse by not telling them. We think we’re providing ourselves with a respite from a stressful day. No matter how we justify or rationalize it, in two decades of counseling, not one (person) has told me that pornography made them a better husband, wife, father, parent, employee or friend.
My own addiction to porn and illicit sex began in high school, and held me firmly in its grip for decades. No matter how close I came to getting caught, I always managed to jump in the manure and come out smelling like a rose. While working in church ministry in my mid-20s, my addiction was nearly exposed in a newspaper story about a raid on an escort service. But even that didn’t lead to change. I might stop for a time, vow to mend my ways, tear up my porn magazines, but eventually the insatiable urge would return.

On a cold winter night in 1994, obsessed with my next fix, I began my typical ritual of acting out sexually. I sat in a familiar parking lot of a XXX bookstore, unusually troubled by the routine I was about to perform even though I had carried it out too many times to count. I had a beautiful wife at home, but she was the last thing on my mind.

Less than a block from the porn shop sat a century-old cathedral. Without warning, an impulse to set foot in that house of worship overwhelmed me. I walked toward the edifice, hiked the tall steps and opened the monolithic oak doors.  I sat in the back row of pews. The silence was terrifying. In that space, I reconnected with something I had lost — my true self. The part of me that wanted more than compulsion, shame and despair.

That evening was the beginning of the end. Only a few months later, my wife caught me in a lie, and my double life was completely exposed. It was the worst day of my life. The truth of my actions unleashed a tsunami of pain and betrayal upon her. She was in shock, confused and angry. I slept on the floor that night — and many nights following — as she cried herself to sleep behind a locked bedroom door.

It was also the best day of my life. Though I was shattered, it was the day I finally understood Jesus’ words recorded in the gospel of John: the truth shall set you free. With nothing to hide anymnore, my failure, infidelity and brokenness became a life preserver lifting me out of an ocean of shame and isolation onto the solid ground of recovery and healing.

Eighteen years later, my greatest failure has become my greatest gift. I am married to the same woman and today we enjoy a life I couldn’t have imagined.

My message to those who are in the snares of sexual compulsion is two-fold. First, you can be free and whole. Trying to manage and white knuckle this issue is not as good as it gets. Others have walked a trusted path to healing and recovery, you can too. Start by deciding you will come out of the shadows and into the light. Talk with a friend, professional counselor or Twelve-Step Group like Sex Addicts Anonymous.

Second, sexual compulsions are not actually about sex. Almost a century ago, G.K. Chesterton wrote that the man who knocks on the brothel door is knocking for God. If he were writing today, he might say that the man who surfs online for porn is surfing for God. Consider what the Apostle Paul wrote in Corinthians that “sex is more than mere skin on skin. It is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact” (1 Corinthians 6:16, MSG).

Beyond bodies seeking and experiencing sexual pleasure, all of us reach toward some spiritual mystery we cannot see, touch or comprehend physically. Maybe this is why we describe great sex as “spiritual” and utter “Oh God!” during climax. To deny the spiritual hunger hidden within the sexual impulse is to set ourselves up for a never-ending cycle that only leads to desperation, despair and bondage.

God is not mad at you if you are struggling with sexual compulsion. In fact, that secret, hidden place of your greatest struggle, failure or shame is exactly where God wants to meet you and give you a great gift. I should know. It happened to me.

Michael John Cusick is the author of “Surfing for God: Discovering the Divine Desire Beneath Sexual Struggle” (Thomas Nelson, Inc.). An ordained minister, spiritual director and Licensed Professional Counselor, he is the founder of Restoring the Soul, a ministry providing soul care to Christian leaders. Michael currently serves as an adjunct professor at Denver Seminary. He holds an M.A. in Biblical Counseling from Colorado Christian University and an M.A. from the College of Education at the University of Denver. Michael lives with his wife, Julianne, and two children, in Littleton, Colorado.

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Help! My Kids Have Looked at Porn!

This is an unfortunate event/statement that most, if not all parents (in today’s sexualized American culture) will make.  The key is how we, as parents, respond to the issue of our children either being exposed to pornography or purposely viewing pornography.  Below are some recommended points for us to follow when that day comes.

1. Control Your Anger

Being angry is ok, it’s what we do with that anger that defines us.  Be angry at the pornography, not your child.  Statistics show that 93% of boys and 62% of girls will be exposed to pornography before the age of 18.  It is not a question of “if” your child will be exposed to porn, but “when” your child is exposed to porn.

2. Go after their Heart, not their Behavior

Try to get to the root of the issue, your child’s heart.  Don’t condemn their behavior, but try to help them figure out why they looked at pornography in the first place.  Have compassion on your child and understand that our culture is so sexualized that it is nearly impossible to shield them from pornography.

3. Keep a Discussion Going about Sex

What a better way to start discussing sex and true intimacy than to have the door slammed open with discovery of your child’s viewing of pornography.  This may not be the preferred method, but God can use this to open that “sex talk” door that many parents dread.  Keep openly discussing healthy sexuality with your child.  Hopefully, with trust and time, they will come to you for advice, not their friends or the internet.

4. Examine Your Own Heart

Parents, you will not be able to teach your child about healthy sexuality if you yourself are not practicing what you preach!  Fathers, God will not be able fully work through you to help your child if you are engaging in sexually immoral behavior.  Also, God may use your child’s struggle with pornography to help you examine your own sexual behaviors.  Use this time to come to Christ for forgiveness and live in His grace.  We are not perfect, but let God work through us to help our children by keeping our own hearts pure.

5. Blocking the Doors

Take steps place restrictions on TV, Internet, Movies, etc…  This may mean you are forced to install an “unwanted” filter on all of your computers and internet-ready devices.  Don’t look at filters negatively and lie to yourself by saying “my child would never purposely look at pornography, or my spouse isn’t tempted to look at porn.”  Be proactive!  If filters have not been previously installed, then do so now.

6. Don’t Let Up nor Give Up

Don’t stop talking to your kids about healthy sexuality and don’t give up on supervising your children after you think you’ve failed at protecting them from pornography.  God can use what the enemy meant for evil for His good purpose.  Use this opportunity to grow together and engage your children.  Keep asking them questions on purity, check the filters, check the websites, phones, etc…  Don’t think the battle is over because you had one talk about the subject.

The above points were taken from the PDF file linked below from the Center for Parent/Youth Understanding (CPYU).  Please take the time to read the entire PDF as it has a tremendous amount of information for you to use in engaging your children on the issues of pornography!  Also, please visit www.cpyu.org for more information on today’s youth culture.

My Kids Have Looked At Porn – PDF

A copy of the above PDF can be found under the Castimonia resources tab.

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Age-Appropriate Equipping

Saw this on Pure Hope’s blog and found it appropriate for those of us who would like to begin discussing healthy sexuality with our children.  Keep in mind that it is very difficult for the Holy Spirit to work through us to teach our kids about sexual purity, if we are sexually acting out and being sexually impure!  Parents, fight the good fight to maintain your sexual purity and live by example to your children!  Tomorrow’s post will give some advice to those parents who have discovered their child looking at pornography….

At the heart of our purePARENTING message is the idea that parents need to equip–not just protect–their kids as they grow up in a sexualized culture.  Even before they leave the house to start life on their own, our kids are interacting with the culture outside of our presence–at school, on the bus, at practice, in friends’ homes, etc.  That’s when it becomes necessary that they have been equipped to understand God’s will for them (Ephesians 5:17), to understand the lies they are exposed to (2 Corinthians 2:11), and to think and act purely in a God-honoring way (Psalm 119:9).  They need to be established in a life of prayer, understanding, resolve, and engagement.

This equipping begins early (earlier than most parents realize), and should continue in age-appropriate ways.  We’ve produced a brief document to assist parents in cultivating purity of heart and mind in their kids, whether their child is just learning to walk, or ready to walk through a graduation ceremony.  These talking points and ideas will get you started in preparing your kids to pursue God’s purposes for their lives.

For more on equipping your kids to pursue holiness, purity, and sanctification as sexual beings bearing the image of God, check out Jim Burns’ book Teaching Your Children Healthy Sexuality: A Biblical Approach to Prepare Them for Life, which offers more insight, talking points, strategies, and conversation starters for equipping your kids in today’s culture.