CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Looking the Other Way

Looking the Other Way

This topic is not about guys in sexual purity support and recovery programs, using the tool of looking the other way when they see something triggering or sexual.  This topic is about parents looking the other way while society sexualizes their daughters!

Seriously parents, what are you thinking allowing your daughters to dress in skimpy clothes, especially during sports training and events?  I was at a gymnastics place recently to visit a friend whose daughter is starting off in the sport (popular name of facility withheld).  I even brought my oldest daughter to watch the workouts to see if she would be interested in participating in the sport.  Although my friend’s daughter was modestly dressed, about 90% of the other girls in this place were working out in their underwear!  Seriously! What is wrong with the parents of these girls that you would allow them to wear, or not wear, these clothes?  I was appalled at the sexualization of these young girls both teenagers and even pre-teens!  I was more disgusted at the parents (especially those who claim to be Christians) that “support” their daughters in this type of activity.  Horrified is a much better description of what I felt at the attire and the parents.  Has your moral standard and soul been sold just so that your daughter can be part of this popular gymnastics or cheer team?

I will take a step back and try to understand because I don’t have much knowledge of the “sport” in which these girls compete.  I understand that some sports require certain uniforms or padding for performance or protection.  Take, for instance, the football player who is required to wear padding (and a helmet) to protect them from the physical blows of the sport.  Baseball players wear a helmet at the plate while batting; catchers wear a lot more padding to protect their bodies.  All use gloves for fielding the baseball.  Are the skin tight, super-short, underwear shorts and a sports bra required to perform gymnastics or cheerleading stunts?  I personally don’t see the need in wearing this attire while “working out” or “training” at this gym where a dryfit t-shirt, or longer shorts/spandex tights could serve better or be less revealing.  Much less do I see the need to wear skimpy clothes while competing in the events.  This isn’t a swimming event, right?  (Don’t get me started on why your daughters need to wear one-piece bathing suits at the pool – at least until they are 18)  The sad reality is, without proper parenting and healthy boundaries, these girls don’t know any better and they actually enjoy exposing a majority of their bodies to the public.

Maybe I’m just a prude who does not support my daughters dressing in such tight and revealing clothing.  Maybe I look too deeply into this subject because I have two daughters.  Or maybe, just maybe, in the hundreds of recovery meetings I have attended, I have heard too many stories about guys fantasizing (even fantasizing about these girls while having sex with their wife!) or masturbating to these girls and how they are dressed?  Sorry to be the bearer of bad news parents, but somewhere, some sick individual is getting off to your daughter’s skimpy gymnastics and cheerleading outfits.  It is disgusting and horrible, but it is the truth.  Allow your daughter to dress like that and you are essentially giving men the right to objectify and dehumanize her.  Parents, take a stand for what is moral and what is godly.  Parents, educate your daughters on sexual purity issues and how they should dress.  Parents, lead your children by example.  Parents, stop looking the other way….

Take what you like and leave the rest.

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The Journey Bible – Knowing Yourself – Judges 16:1-3

Judges 16:1-3

New International Version (NIV)

16 One day Samson   went to Gaza,   where he saw a prostitute.   He went in to spend the night with her. 2 The people of Gaza were told, “Samson is here!” So they surrounded the place and lay in wait for him all night at the city gate.  They made no move during the night, saying, “At dawn  we’ll kill him.”

3 But Samson lay there only until the middle of the night. Then he got up and took hold of the doors of the city gate, together with the two posts, and tore them loose, bar and all. He lifted them to his shoulders and carried them to the top of the hill that faces Hebron.

The Journey Bible – Knowing Yourself

Samson was a he-man with a she-weakness.  As he approached his fortieth birthday, lust seemed to take over his life.

As the scene opens in Judges 16 we find Samson visiting a Philistine town named Gaza.  Enticed by a prostitute’s beauty, Samson goes in “to spend the night with her” (verse 1).

Anybody who knew Samson was aware of his strength.  Yet, with all of his great power, Samson couldn’t bridle his own lust.  He might have been able to if he had recognized that his actions were leading him progressively to what we refer to today as the stages of addictive behavior.

Stage one is preoccupation.  It occurs when we’re thinking about acting out a forbidden fantasy.  Samson must have thought often about the beauty of the Philiistine women between visits t Gaza.

Stage two is ritualization.  Rituals are those seemingly harmless acts that precede, and then lead to, acting out.  They’re the things we do that excite us.  Perhaps Samson’s ritual was visiting Gaza “just to look,” nonchalantly turning down the different city streets to look at the beautiful Philistine women at a distance.

Stage three is acting out.  It occurs when we carry out what we’ve been thinking about, as Samson did in this passage.

Stage four is shame.  We all know the feeling of being ashamed of something we’ve done that we know is wrong.  Perhaps this was part of the reason why Samson left the prostitute’s house under the cover of night.

The person who wants to break any addictive cycle – whether that be lust, chemical dependency, gamblinig, or any of a host of behaviors – must begin by first askinig God for the strength to be free from the addiction.  Next, he or she needs to identify every desructive thought and ritual that keeps the cycle going, and to develop a strategy for eliminating each one.  The behavior will not stop until the activities that lead up to it are exposed and eliminated.  Finally, that person must share both the rituals he or she has named and the plan for alleviating them with a trusted friend.  Accountability is the key to resisting when temptation rears its ugly head.

Think about how different Samson’s life might have been if he had taken the steps to break the cycle of his addiction!  Instead of turng to God for help and insight, he chose to let his destructive appetite get the best of him.  If you’re heading down that same path, learn from Samson’s example.

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Video – Somebody’s Daughter

I first saw this video during my 3-day intensive.  It was emotionally moving.  However, it wasn’t until I played this video to my Castimonia Saturday morning meeting group in February that I was completely overwrought with emotions concerning the theme that these women, in pornography, prostitution, strip clubs, etc… are somebody’s daughter.  As a father of two beautiful young girls, I can relate 100%, and use that to my advantage and my sobriety.  Don’t let the enemy lie to you and tell you that the woman in the pornographic scene you are watching or the woman dancing in a strip club, or even waitressing in a skimpy sports bar outfit is not real or wants to do this for a living.  Always remember that she is somebody’s daughter, maybe even your own!

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic, 08/04/2012 – Step 8 Step Study

We made  a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)

Today’s meeting is the first meeting of the month which is typically a “Step Study” of the corresponding month.  Since August is the 8th month, we reviewed Step 8 in both The Twelve Steps for Christians and the SAA Green Book.

In understanding step 8, I must understand three core concepts.  The first concept is that the harm I have caused others was because of more than just my sexual acting out.  I admit that I had harmed numerous people directly and indirectly through my sexual activities, but the harm mentioned in Steps 5 and now in Step 8 has little to do with my sexual acting out.  The very first sentence of the SAA Green Book states it as clear as possible:

“With the Eighth Step, we begin to take responsibility for the harm we inflicted on others when we acted on our character defects.”

In reading this sentence, my list just got a lot longer.  Not only did I have to make amends to the countless victims of my sexual acting out, but now I also had to make amends to those I had harmed through my anger, impatience, procrastination, and other character defects.  I had lashed out in anger over trivial matters at work and I needed to add these people to my list.  I had lied to others about being late to meetings or appointments, I had to make amends to these people as well.

The second core concept is that in working Step 8, I only had to make a list.  I could not worry about the actual amends process, all I needed was a list of names and the harm I had done to them.  My list became rather long but my sponsor helped me trim it down by consolidating “anonymous” sex partners and separating them from people I actually associate with on a daily basis.  I would not make face-to-face amends with these former sex partners, but that is a discussion for next month and Step 9.  The bottom line is, make a list, that is all.  I couldn’t worry about how I was going to get in contact with these people or how I would make amends.  All I had to do is make a list with names and write down the specifics of how I harmed them with my character defects or my sexual acting out.

The third core concept is that I had to become willing to make amends to all of them.  Wanting to make amends and becoming willing to make amends are two different concepts.  I want to make amends to everyone I had harmed, but was I truly willing to do so?  I needed to review the harm I had caused them with my sponsor in step 8 (and later in again in step 9) and then become willing to make amends to them in order to “clean up my side of the street.”  For me, I was willing when I was able to empathize with the pain my character defects had caused them.  I was able to understand the harm I had caused them, leaving my selfish addicted-filled shell behind and truly empathized with these people.

Many tears were shed during my Step 8 meetings with my sponsor.  God had opened my eyes (and heart) to the harm I had caused others in my out-of-control lifestyle.  I was now ready to move on to working on Step 9.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

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It’s Funny Because It’s True!

It’s Funny Because It’s True!

I saw this comical photo floating around the internet a while back.  To be honest, I did not see the Saturday Night Live skit in which this photo was taken, so I don’t know the context.  What I found funny, was the caption that went along with the photo.

In here we see a man willing to admit to murder rather than have his internet search history made public.  How many of us, at whatever the cost, wanted to hide our internet activity?  I know I have.  When I was in my addiction, I made certain of “cleaning my tracks” so that nobody would know what sites I had visited.  I was too ashamed of my internet activity to have anyone find out about it and too ashamed to find help for these behaviors, amongst others.

When is enough going to be enough?  When are you going to seek real help for a sexual purity problem that has been plaguing you for perhaps most of your life and that keeps manifesting itself in different ways over the course of your life?  Perhaps it began with lustful thoughts and fantasies, then compulsion over those lustful thoughts and fantasies and then moved onto masturbation, and then onto pornography, and then onto having multiple sex partners; all to try to fill some void in your life that in all honesty, only God can fill.  I’ve seen it happen in my life and don’t want it to happen to anyone else.

Perhaps you are the guy that “only” struggles with viewing pornography, with or without masturbation.  Maybe you think, it is “ok” to do this since you aren’t having affairs or have multiple sex partners.  But if I were to compare your brain scan to that of a man that sexually acts out with multiple sex partners, guess what?  Not much difference!  Stop the insanity; seek real help for a real problem!  Stop hiding behind self-help books and the insane thought of “My God and I can handle anything alone” and start getting into a support or recovery group.  You cannot handle this all by yourself, no matter how many lies you believe from the enemy!

You are not alone in your struggle; it’s about time you finally said enough is enough.  I, for one, am thankful that I no longer have to erase my internet history or feel guilt or shame about the sites I visit.  I no longer have to worry about my wife getting on the internet and “stumbling” on something inappropriate I viewed.  I especially don’t have to worry about my daughters seeing something inappropriate their daddy saw the night before!  How horrible would that be if I inadvertently passed on my sexual addiction to my daughters because of the pornography I watched the night before and now they found it by accident?  Although, I had no intention to harm them, my activity on the internet has already harmed them and my wife!

And wives, If you don’t have proper internet filters installed,  I want you, today, to go into your internet history and look at everything that has been viewed in the past couple of weeks.  You might need to search via multiple browsers installed on your home computer, maybe some installed by secret.  And if the internet history has been erased on any of these browsers, then it’s time to have a frank and open discussion about installing filters and what is and is not appropriate to bring into your home!  If you are not technically savvy, you can e-mail Castimonia and we can help walk you through on how to do a proper and thorough search.

I once heard a great prayer at a Castimonia meeting, “My prayer is that every man is thrown in to recovery by discovery by their wives.”  Sometimes, it is the only way we will be willing to seek help.  Hitting rock bottom is terrible, but I am thankful that rock bottom is what it took to get me into recovery and acknowledge that I have a problem and that I need help!  Recovery with Jesus Christ is such a beautiful place to live.

Take what you like and leave the rest.