ptsd

My God, how did it get to this point?  What happened to me?  I had everything I wanted in life and yet, I wanted more.  It began with my lust-filled fantasies.  I was obsessed with sex and my sexual fulfillment.  I started pretty young.  I knew my father struggled with his own sexual purity issues.  He never talked to me about it but made his repentance public.  But how did I get to this point of my life?  How does someone with power, money, and prestige come to this point in their life???  This truly is rock bottom.

My lust was insatiable.  I wanted to be sexual with every woman out there.  I would mentally objectify and obsess over them.  I would masturbate thinking of these women.  I would even fantasize about our sexual encounters, masturbating each time.  When this wasn’t enough, I had to fantasize about more extreme things such as forcing a woman to be sexual with me.  Why?  Well, no healthy woman would want to be with someone like me, so in order for a healthy woman to be with me, I would need to take her by force!  Masturbating to these extreme fantasies fed my neurochemical addiction.  What wasn’t given to me, I would take by force!

And then she appeared, my own half-sister, my father’s other wife’s daughter!  Funny how I didn’t notice her before, but now she was everything I ever wanted in a woman, or so I fantasized.  I couldn’t stop thinking about her.  Each time, I would become aroused and masturbate; I would fantasize more and more about her.  I wanted her so badly, but she never paid attention to me.  I would stare at her every time we would get together, obsessing over what I could not have.  Even her brother saw the obsession in my eyes.  This obsession became a compulsion, and the compulsion led to me taking what would not be given to me, even taking it by force!  My cousin gave me a great idea, to trick her into being alone with me.  I wish I could blame him for this, but it was a long time coming, starting early on with only my mental lust.

And so I went ahead with the plan.  I acted sick, I told my father that it would make me feel so much better if my half-sister cooked my favorite meal and brought it to my bed.  I saw her walk in, my heart began to beat faster and faster, I pretended not to eat the meal and quickly told the servants to leave my room; I wanted her to feed me with her own hands.

And thus it began, I could not take “no” for an answer.  I grabbed her and told her, “Come to bed with me, my darling sister.”  The sickness and perversity in that statement was enough to push me over the edge.  I needed to say something like that to enhance my neurochemical high. I had been obsessing, fantisizing, masturbating, so for so long about her that I needed the extreme for me to become sexually arroused.  “Normal” sex with her (or any other woman) just wasn’t enough, it needed to be perverse!  My heart beat faster and faster and my arousal grew.  She said, “Don’t be foolish! Don’t do this to me!” She knew it was a very wicked thing, not only to rape but to rape one’s own half-sister.  The more twisted the fantasy, the stronger the high of my addiction!  She even tried to convince me that our father would allow us to be married, but I was so far gone into the addiction that none of it registered with me.  And then I finished my horrendous act.

The feelings of shame and guilt filled my mind.  “What have I done?” I asked myself quietly.  I have defiled my virgin half-sister, and for what?  I am so disgusted with myself, and so I transferred that hate and disgust to her.  I screamed that she leave the room and summoned my servants to take her away.  She screamed in utter disgust, not only did I rape her, but then I had her kicked out.  She left crying, there would be no justice for her, not until today, two long years later.  My father made sure to protect me, his oldest son, as long as he could.  After all, I was supposed to inherit his company; I was the next in line!  Two years is enough time and this punishment has been in order since the crime was committed.

And now I lay here in a pool of my own blood.  My half-sister’s brother exacting revenge on me for what I did to his sister.  I am slowly dying, I can feel the blood draining from my body, where are my other brothers, have they left me to die alone?  Is this the price I must pay for my addiction: Death?  Do people really die because of their sex addiction acting out?  Is this the ultimate consequence?  I have truly hit rock bottom, no, I am much farther beneath rock bottom. I didn’t think it could get any worse, and it has.  I only wish I would have listened earlier to friends and family about my problem, that I had sought help for this addiction before it reached the point of raping my half-sister, and now suffering the ultimate penalty; death.

2 Samuel 13

The above fictional account is based on the chapter written directly above, where King David’s oldest son Amnon rapes his half-sister Tamar who is later avenged by her brother Absalom who murders Amnon.  Whether Amnon suffered from a sexual addiction is unknown, not enough of him is written in the Bible.  However, from what is written in 2 Samuel 13, we can see how Amnon could not control his obsession.  Did he rape a woman before or after his assault of Tamar?  We don’t know, but chances are his sexual impurity was not an isolated case. Furthermore, his lust for Tamar (and possibly other women) was not hidden – Absalom (and perhaps others) knew about it possibling enabling Amnon in his addiction.

Such a sad state how King David, a man after God’s own heart, protected his son for two years even though Amnon was clearly guilty.  Unfortunately, we don’t know how many times King David protected Amnon from the repercussions of his actions.  Chances are, since King David protected Amnon from the punishment for rape, that he probably protected him from all other “lesser” issues arising from Amnon’s sexual impurity.

It is unfortunate that rape occurs, and sexual addiction is never an excuse.  There are many sexual addicts in prison because of rape.  These men allowed their fantasies to go too far, it wasn’t enough to act out sexually, but they had to force others to fulfill their fantasies and reach that next level of chemical high.  It all starts with a lustful thought, where it goes from there is up to us.

Take what you like and leave the rest.