ptsd

January 26, 2014 By Castimonia

Are You Detached From Your Mistress?

Did you ever look at the word “Mistress” and sound it out like an kindergarten student would? It would be “MI – STRESS” or “My Stress” – sounds about right….

originally posted on: http://porntopurity.com/blog/2013/05/07/are-you-detached-from-your-mistress/

Guest blogger Tom Daniels has over a decade of experience leading groups and working with guys struggling with sexual sin. Tom returns to share another blog with us.

Check out his previous blog from last week called “Compartmentalizing, Getting Caught and Consequences”

Just as we need to connect the devastating consequences to our acting out, we need to detach from the bonds we have established with our “mistress”, our “drug of choice”.

When we engage in sex, we bond with whoever or whatever we are connecting to. Our neural pathways don’t know the difference between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy one. Our brains reach to repetition and create bigger pipelines for the flow to that area. It’s like adding lanes to a freeway to accommodate more traffic.

We who struggle with sexual sin have developed an affection for our mistress. Whether your mistress is an actual person, prostitutes, or porn, our mistress has been there whenever we needed her. When we’re stressed, lonely, bored, horny, feeling rejected or unloved, misunderstood, unappreciated, unaccepted she is always available. With open arms she gives me the illusion of comfort, acceptance and love.

YOUR SPOUSE CAN’T COMPETE WITH YOUR MISTRESS The contrast to our spouses can be dramatic because no woman, regardless of how wonderful, could possibly hope to match the availability of our fantasy “mistress”. I say fantasy because even if it is a real person it is still an unrealistic relationship. You are not raising kids with this person, not paying bills, dealing with pets, school, housework, in-laws, yard work, etc., you just get together and have fun and resent that your marriage isn’t like this.

You may wonder to yourself:

How come my wife isn’t as understanding as my “mistress”?
How come she doesn’t desire me the way my “mistress” does?
How come it is so much work to have a relationship with my wife when it is so easy with my “mistress”?

It is because your wife is a real person and you have a real relationship with her. You are sharing your lives together, not merely an afternoon or a few minutes here and there.

The bond we create with our “mistress” is real and it is something that must be broken if we are ever going to be truly free from bondage.

DELIVERED FROM YOUR MISTRESS Many times I have seen men prayed for and delivered from addiction only to go back to it within a relatively short time. Were they truly delivered? I believe they were, but they chose to go back to their “mistress” because they still had affection for her.

Being delivered is only part of the healing, we need to break the bonds and connection in order to truly be free. Jesus will not override our ability to choose, it is up to us to do that, but the Holy Spirit will help us if we will take the steps necessary and turn our back on our idols. God will not share us with any other “gods”.

The most important step in breaking the bond of affection to our “mistress” is to recognize that she never loved us or cared for us in any way at all! She hated us and set out from the start to destroy us! The Enemy used her, whether in the form of prostitutes, affairs, porn, lingerie, sex toys, or even just fantasy, to set us up for destruction.

Satan’s goal is to make us ineffective for service to our Lord, to eliminate us as warriors, to wreck our marriages, to set our children up for failure because we are not the men of God they need as Dad, to cause us to worship created things rather than the Creator, and he uses sex to do it.

Sadly, I am not the only one fooled by this “mistress”, many men are caught in the same trap and I pray that they can see the illusion for what it is and how the Enemy has used them and break free from its terrible grip before any more devastation takes place.

Recognizing the “mistress” for who and what she really is, is a key step to full recovery as we will never cut her off completely unless we see her as she truly is, deadly and deceitful.

“What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God–through Jesus Christ our Lord!” Rom 7:24-25

January 24, 2014 By Castimonia

Pornography is Vulnerable

originally posted on: http://shessomebodysdaughter.wordpress.com/2013/05/07/pornography-is-vulnerable/

“As soon as you name it, it’s vulnerable.”

When our friend Donna spoke these words, it was easy to realize why our She’s Somebody’s Daughter initiative is going to be so powerful.

Everyone thinks of pornography as being too big to take down. It’s a multi-billion dollar industry. It has permeated our society to the point where an alarming number of otherwise reasonable and intelligent people see it as “normal.”

Those who do see it as problem often express the attitude that it is s too late to do anything about it. Thanks to the ever-evolving technology industry and the lack of common-sense restraints placed upon it, “Pandora’s box has been opened,” they say.

But even though this conversation should have started before the internet was unleashed on the world; even though the pornography industry is huge; even though pornography has increasingly become a part of mainstream life; even though the technology makes it as easy to find as your nearest laptop or “smart” phone – pornography is still vulnerable

Why? Because anything built on a foundation of lies will come crashing down once the truth is spoken.

Watch an old black and white movie from the forties. All the movie stars are smoking. Smoking is what the beautiful people do. It’s glamorous and sophisticated.

Well eventually we learned the truth about smoking. It gives people cancer. Nobody thinks it’s glamorous anymore. Nobody appreciates being exposed to second-hand smoke. Even those of us who can’t kick the habit know that it is death by degrees.

Pornography causes cancer too. Pornography kills. It kills relationships.

It kills families. Ironically, it even kills libido, dramatically increasing impotence among the men who use it.

Pornography is slow, sexual suicide.

And behind the sanitized “I read Playboy for the articles ” version of boys being boys is a nightmare world of people using people – of manipulation, violence, drug abuse, and sex trafficking. It is a world of never-ending pain.

Once the facts about pornography are widely known people will start making different choices. But first we have to tell the truth.

People are going to ask “Who is it hurting?” And we’re going to tell them. It is hurting everyone.

Because whenever any human being is being turned into an object for the selfish sexual gratification of another it makes the world a colder, crueler place. What demeans any one of us demeans all of us.

You will hear all the same uniformed arguments. People are going to say, “It’s just another form of entertainment. “ We’re going to ask them how entertaining would it be if their wife or daughter or sister were on the screen?

The simple truth about She’s Somebody’s Daughter is this. No one wants his or her daughter – or son – to be sexually assaulted on camera for someone to watch.

That’s not normal. That’s not harmless. That’s not “just entertainment.”

And once we tell the truth – and tell it again, and again, and again – the foundation of lies on which pornography now stands will crumble and fall.

Are you ready to name it and tell the truth?

January 18, 2014 By Castimonia

Fighting Porn Addiction

by Brad Andres

– You’re past the point of denial. You’ve moved into reality. It’s here; It’s real – You’re addicted to pornography.

“I can stop anytime I want,” you say to yourself, “I’m not addicted.”

– Is that so? Stop watching porn then…

“Well, it’s just not that easy…”

– Yep. That’s because your addicted.

“No I’m not.”

– Well now you’ve fallen back into denial. Let’s just assume you’re addicted and move on past this vicious circle.

Levels of Addiction

I think most people tend to view addiction as an uncontrollable, unquenchable desire. Addiction can be defined as a habit (in this case – watching pornography) which has become compulsive and enslaving. In some ways, this inner desire controls you. You are not controlling it. So it’s not unquenchable, because you have beat it before. But it is an addiction – you keep falling back to it.

So whether you watch porn daily, weekly, or once a month – when you lose the battle against it (multiple times), you’re addicted.

You need to realize the root of the addiction:

This is physical – Masturbation feels good. This is psychological – Our brains release chemicals and all this other fun stuff happens when we watch porn. It’s not simply because then women are so hot. This is spiritual – You’ve given a piece of yourself away when you masturbate to pornography.

Watching pornography is a sinful habit. It can be defeated.

Let’s Fight

Discipline – The best fighters are well disciplined.

I think of coach Boone in Remember the Titans:

“I don’t scratch my head unless it itches…”

We realize the discipline it takes to hit the gym everyday as a professional boxer. In addition, they need to eat right, sleep right, and rest right. Also, they need the discipline to know when to take a punch, when to dodge a blow, etc. All this takes discipline. If it were easy – there would be a lot more professional boxers.

Self-discipline is a staple for overcoming the drive and desire for watching porn. However, self-discipline isn’t something you can switch on and off at will. Self-discipline is a lifestyle. It is a habit.

So you’re gonna need to train – to fight. Practice doing things that your body works against. If you don’t work out – start. Do it because you need to develop self-discipline to do the things your body doesn’t want to do. Other practices to help you in your training:

You’re gonna need to start eating right

The better you are physically, the more stamina you’ll have in fighting off these desires. Let’s be real, many times the desire to check out the website comes when you’re tired, stressed, or upset.

You’re gonna need to sleep right

Again the better shape you are physically, the easier you’ll be able to ward off attacks instead of giving in. Get yourself a good eight hours.

You’re gonna want to start fasting

This will teach you spiritual discipline and give you mastery over your body. Your desires do not rule you – you are the commander of your body.

You’re gonna want to start praying

This is a spiritual battle, and you’re not gonna be able to beat it on your own.

You’re gonna want to starve yourself of all sexual content

No TV shows with sex scenes or sexual innuendos. No movies with any sort of promiscuous sexual content. Make yourself look away from the Victoria Secret posters when walking through the mall. No watching movies with the celebrities you used to look up on the Internet.

You’re gonna want to find an accountability partner

Yes you will answer to God, but that time is so far removed from now (in our minds anyway), that it normally doesn’t impact behavior. If your friend or mentor is calling (or texting) at 8 pm each night to follow up with you, it impacts your behavior because it’s much more immediate.

If you have integrity you’ll be fine, man up and tell him you failed, ask for prayer, and tomorrow is a new day. If you lie, you’re never going to beat the porn addiction until you stop lying. It’s easier to simply say a lie than to physically act against your body’s desires.

By the way, I feel it is important to let you know this isn’t theoretical knowledge. I’ve been there, I was addicted, and with God’s help – that addiction was broken.

January 16, 2014 By Castimonia

Relationships & Porn

By: Nikki Branch

It seems everywhere I look on forums and blogs; frustrated women are upset because their spouses are watching Internet porn instead of being with them. This is a legitimate concern and sometimes is a symptom of a pornography addiction but other times shows something else, a deep seeded problem in the relationship.

So what kind of advice are these women getting about their PARTNER’S issue with porn addiction? “Have you tried going on a diet?” “Why don’t you spice up your love life a little?” “Watch porn WITH him”, or my favorite, “Well, you obviously aren’t satisfying him!”

As a hot-blooded Canadian woman I have to say this APPALLS me. Since when is it my responsibility to “take care of my man’s needs” when he doesn’t take care of mine (hypothetically speaking)? If my partner is aware of my discomfort with his viewing preferences and then blames ME for the fact that HE CHOOSES to watch it shows me that there is a lack of respect for our relationship and for me.

“Well, you don’t want to have sex anymore” “well, we never spend time together” “well you don’t give me [triggering language removed] anymore” “well, I’m always working, so I don’t have energy for foreplay”. Ever hear any of these excuses? That’s what they are. Excuses. It is my opinion that if you love a person and want to feel intimacy with them you will make it your priority to FIND a way to have enough time, or make that person feel special, or sexy or whatever else they need.

Look, I understand. It’s a busy world, we have a lot on our plates these days. Life is fast and its easy to put people aside, even if we love them. But, don’t put the blame on someone else when the problem is with you. “Ok, so it’s my own fault for not making time, or building intimacy. What can I do about it now?” It’s simple. Start small. Take a walk together holding hands. Go see a movie and cuddle. Make out in the back of your car. Stop blaming your partner for not wanting you when you don’t make an effort to show them you care. It goes both ways ladies and gents. Simple gestures of intimate touching can make all the difference in the world.

So next time someone tells you, “you should lose weight for your man” or something equally idiotic tell them, “I already love him, its his turn to love ME now.”

January 14, 2014 By Castimonia

Like A Ship Without A Rudder

“Big boys don’t cry.” “No pain no gain. Tough it out.” “Only sissies get hurt feelings.” “It’s a sign of weakness to let people know you’re hurting.” Men are cautioned to not discuss their feelings, to avoid feelings altogether and to not discuss love, sorrow or pain. Men will often make a joke out of a difficult situation rather than face it directly. Men are taught to be checked out toward the emotions of others, and keep their true feelings inside. All this is not to say that men are incapable of intimacy, dependency or vulnerability. They are quite able but our culture does not support it. One of the main reasons for drug and alcohol use (and sexually acting out) is for medicating pain and that would include emotional pain. Men, who feel bottled up, sad, angry and depressed will often become workaholics, (sex addicts), drink or do drugs to avoid feelings. For men to understand how to be intimate they must first learn more about who they are, what they want and what is truly important to them. Feelings tell us what we want and what we need so without them we are like a ship without a rudder. So many men lead lives of quiet desperation, never letting anyone in or themselves out. For men to take a look at who they really are and allow their essence to be known are actually far stronger than the burly silent types who live their lives in utter isolation. Taken from an on-line article by Bill Cloke http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-good-life-why-men-have-trouble-with-intimacy/

“Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.” – Sigmund Freud