CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

meeting

By

Saturday Morning Meeting Topic, 07/07/2012 – Step 7 Step Study

We Humbly Ask God to Remove All Our Shortcomings.
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)

In step 4, we listed our character defects, in step 5, we admitted them to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, and in step 6, we became entirely ready for God, not us, to remove our defects of character.  Now, in step 7, we ask God to remove all of our shortcomings and we do it humbly.

So what does it mean to be humble?  Of course, as an engineer, I have to list the definition so as to avoid confusion:

hum·ble/ˈhəmbəl/
Adjective: Having or showing a modest or low estimate of one’s own importance.
Verb: Lower (someone) in dignity or importance:  “I knew I had to humble myself to ask for His help”.

In understanding what humble really means, I was able to really submit to God by lowering my own importance well beneath that of God’s importance.  In my addiction, Sexual acting out was my “god” and I was it’s only begotten son.  I was the most important man in my life, I did not care about others, only about my own sexual satisfaction or own personal wants.  After I hit rock bottom and I saw my powerless over sexual acting out and how crazy my life had become I began the process of becoming humble; well, actually God began that for me.  I then saw how insane my behavior truly was, I needed help from my higher power, in my case God thus lowering my own importance compared to Him and to others around me.  I then went on to give myself to Him on a daily basis, not always perfect, but progressing in the process of turning my life and will over to God’s care.  And then I did my internal search and saw who I really had become.  I listed my character defects and all my wrongs and I really knew I needed His help.

As an addict, I am too familiar with humiliation so I must distinguish between humility and humiliation.  The SAA Green Book defines humility as being teachable, vulnerable, and open.   I need to be open to new ways of thinking and new ways of living my life.  I need to be teachable and learn these new ideas as well as emotionally vulnerable to others, asking for their help as my recovery continues.  Humility, for me, is not walking up steps on my bare knees to show that I a humble worshiper, it is not dragging a 200lb+ cross on my back as I whip myself (or others whip me) with torture whips from the Roman Empire era.  The latter two seem more like humiliation … to me.

Just asking for help from others is an act of humility and of being humble.  Understanding that I can’t do this by myself is a wonderful gift; it feels great to know that I am not all powerful and I need help, every day.  I also have come to the understanding that change occurs on God’s time, not mine.  As an addict, I was used to the quick fix, the instant gratification, the quick escape.  In my early recovery, I felt the same could be done for my healing; quick and easy with no pain or suffering!  I was very, very wrong!  I often commented how I would have entered recovery 10+ years earlier than I did and the comments I received back after many meetings was, “it’s all in God’s time, not ours.”  It took me working through my own recovery to really realize that everything happens on God’s time, when God says the time is right, not when I say it is.  I also need to keep in mind that I need not be concerned with the results, all I need to do is ask.

One of my favorite ways God works in my life is through other people in and outside of recovery.  I often state in my weekly Bible reading group that God uses men (and women) around us to speak to us.  Sometimes these people “tell it like it is” and point out to me a character defect that has risen up, which in turn allows me to be entirely ready and then humbly ask God to remove it!  There are many other ways God uses people to do His work in our lives, but that is subject for another post.

It isn’t until we have looked at all these character defects and humbly asked God to remove them that we are ready to repair any harm we have done in the past.  If we do not look closely at these character defects, they might come forward during our amends, things like pride, resentment, fears, etc… might interfere with our Step 8.  So it is important to be in a place in our recovery where we can have these character defects removed (even just temporarily enough) so we can move forward and make the list of the persons we had harmed, without having these all too familiar character defects pop up and interfere with the recovery process.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

In today’s topic I read from the Twelve Steps for Christians and the SAA Green Book

By

Announcement – An Evening with Ken Wells

Evening with Ken Wells
Thursday, July 12, 2012 6:30 PM to 8:00 PM
Cost: $10
6:30 p.m. Check-in, coffee & dessert
7 – 8 p.m. Presentation
Location: The Hamill Foundation Conference Center
The Council on Alcohol & Drugs Houston
303 Jackson Hills Street
Houston, TX  77007
Contact: 281.200.9109 or events@council-houston.org

 ——————————————————————->
Click on the Flyer to the right for more information

To register online, click the link below:

https://28052.thankyou4caring.org/sslpage.aspx?pid=483

KEN WELLS is a certified professional counselor specializing in treating sexual addiction and the treatment of sexual offense behavior at Psychological Counseling Services in Scottsdale, Arizona. He served for more than 20 years as a pastor. He and his wife Eileen have three children. He’s a founding member of Interfaith Sexual Trauma Institute and serves on the executive board of New Hope Educational Foundation.

 

By

Once an Addict, Always an Addict?

“Once an Addict, Always an Addict”

This phrase has been widely used to stereotype addicts for many, many years.  It is almost a “common” phrase whenever someone speaks about their loved one being addicted.  This term is also mainly used by those who don’t always understand the recovery process from addiction and what the actual term “addict” references.

Keep in mind that the following is only my own personal opinion on this subject of the use of the phrase “Once an addict, always an addict.”  In my own recovery process, this statement was said to a loved one about me.  I took quite a bit offense to this statement only because it made me feel like there was no hope, that I would always remain addicted to the chemicals produced by my brain during compulsive sexual behavior, and that I would continue to act out sexually the rest of my life.  It also scared my loved one, because they did not know much about the addiction at that time.

In looking at this term, one needs to distinguish between an active sex addict and a recovering sex addict.  An active sex addict, obviously, is one who is not in real sexual addiction recovery and continues to act out sexually.  This sex addict, although in “recovery,” could still be in a minimized state of denial where they see some sexual issues as acceptable that are typically unacceptable to even Christian non-addicts such as viewing pornography (I could spend hours and pages writing about how pornography affects the brain but this post is not about that topic).  The active addict will continue to seek out their high, usually through non-traditional acting out behaviors, until they break through the denial, live in honesty, and finally put a stop to the compulsive sexual behavior.

An addict in recovery, however, is no longer seeking ways to “beat the system” and is either living or trying to live a life of recovery.  An addict in recovery understands that recovery and life is progress not perfection, continuing to progress in their recovery, not continuing to live in their addiction.  When a sex addict finally breaks through the denial surrounding his life and truly gives himself to the program (including practicing rigorous honesty), then they are a “recovering sex addict.”

Furthermore, when one studies the brain scans of addicts versus those of healthy individuals; one can see an obvious difference.  However, with abstinence from drugs and alcohol, one can see through the brain scans that the brain of the addict slowly begins to resemble the brain of a healthy individual.  This healing of the brain will take time and abstinence from addictive behaviors, but it can and will happen.

                   
Brain on drugs                    Brain 1 Year Sober              Healthy Brain

Finally, when a sex addict enters recovery, they are asked to take a Sex Addiction Screening Test (SAST) questionare that is then given to their therapist for them to review and score.  This questionare typically determines if the individual truly suffers from Sexual Addiction and if they do, the individual’s level of sex addiction.  Based on the behaviors from most of my life, I scored a 19 out of 20.  Now that is pretty bad.  But God has used that measure to show me His grace and the miracles only He can peform.  Although most sex addicts don’t retake the test, last year I decided to retake it based solely on my sexual activities in the first 2 years of my recovery.  The results are written below.  In theory, I am no longer a “sex addict” as defined by the International Institute for Trauma & Addiction Professionals (IITAP) based on the six categories that define Sexual Addiction.  I am by no means stating I am cured from sex addiction.  It is my personal belief that I will never be cured, but the disease has been slowed down enough where I can function as a healthy human being.  This is by no way “scientific” but it shows how a life of recovery from sexual addiction can actually be non-addictive and non-destructive.  If we are to become healthy, we must live a life of recovery.  The thumbnail chart at the top left of this paragraph is my score at entering recovery.  The thumbnail chart to the right is my score based on the first two years of working my recovery program.  A healthy sexual lifestyle is possible for all those who earnestly desire it!

As a recovering sex addict, I must always acknowledge the fact that if I let my guard down, I could fall back into the addiction either through a slip or relapse.  In understanding this fact, I realize that I will not always be an addict, but I will always be vulnerable to the addiction.  This being said, the correct term to be used for addicts should be as follows.

“Once an addict, always vulnerable”

I would ask that from now on this phrase be used when speaking to family, friends, spouses, or loved ones of addicts in recovery.  This phrase should also be used when speaking about yourself and your addiction recovery!

Take what you like and leave the rest.

By

Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic 06/16/2012 – Psalm 103

This week’s Castimonia meeting topic is that of Psalm 103.  As part of my recovery, I have been reading through the Bible for the past 4 years.  One of the things I have learned is to personalize my Bible readings so that it relates more to me and not all others.  In recovery, I have learned that I tend to think goodness is for others and I am not worthy of God’s grace.  When I personalize passages, it brings God’s word alive in my life.

Psalm 103
Of David. (JLS)

1 Praise the Lord, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the Lord, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all (my) sins
and heals all (my) diseases,
4 who redeems (my) life from the pit
and crowns (me) with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies (my) desires with good things
so that (my) youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

6 The Lord works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.

7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:
8 The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat (me) as (my) sins deserve
or repay (me) according to (my) iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed (my) transgressions.

13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how (I was) formed,
he remembers that (I am) dust.
15 The life of mortals is like grass,
they flourish like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the Lord’s love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with (my) children’s children —
18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.

19 The Lord has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.

20 Praise the Lord, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.
21 Praise the Lord, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.
22 Praise the Lord, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.

Praise the Lord, my soul.

As I read Psalm 103, a few points stand out.  In the Psalm written above, I have changed some of the words written by King David to reflect personalization of this Psalm.  As a facilitator and having attended several groups, I and me statements are key in sharing so as to personalize the share.  Therefore, I substituted the words I, My, and Me for the original text, thus personalizing this Psalm. I call it the JLS version.  Truth be told, I believe the NLT version does something similar.  I used the NIV version for this post.

Lines 2, 3, 4, and 5 are some of my favorites.  Beginning with Line 2, I read how I must not forget all the benefits God has and in Line 3, I am reminded that He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases.  Moving onto Line 4, I read that God redeems my life from the pit and crowns me with love and compassion.  And finally, in Line 5, I am reminded that, in my recovery, I am now satisfied with good, non-addictive things thus renewing my youth.

One focus point for me, personally, is where I read “who redeems (my) life from the pit and crowns (me) with love and compassion.” In my life, and especially in my addiction, I have been in that pit.  I thought I was so far down in the pit that there was no hope for me but to live in the pit the rest of my life.  My addiction went so far down the scale that I now know that no human power could have restored me.  I now know that God redeemed my life from the pit of my addiction and crowned me with love and compassion.  I did not receive what I deserved.  I received love and compassion from those around me, God’s love, because as humans, they could not have shown me love and compassion for what I had done.

The next line, Line 5, is also a nugget of gold in my recovery.  My youth has been renewed because I now satisfied with good things; my God, my family, my recovery, etc…  In my past, I was always trying to be satisfied with the addiction and the next best “high.”  This next best “high” was never achieved, nor could it ever be truly achieved.  I would have continued until I was exhausted and dead and would have never been satisfied.  I was exhausted when I would finish, and then start again.  It was a never ending struggle, completely draining to me.  Now my life is filled with good things, non-exhaustive things that satisfy me.  I always say that my worst day in recovery is still better than my best day in the addiction, this line signifies why!

Take what you like and leave the rest.

By

Father’s Day 2012

In celebration of Father’s Day, I would like to tell you a short story about my father’s day 2008.  It was the first time I attended my current Church, The Fellowship at Cinco Ranch.  My wife and I dropped off our 10 month old baby girl in the nursery for the first time.  I was nervous and throughout the entire service, I was worried they would call one of our cell phones to tell us that she needed to be picked up from childcare!  To be honest, I don’t remember the content of the service (apologies to our family pastor who typically preaches on Mother’s and Father’s Day – Robert Jackman), I wish now I had.

When we went to pick up our daughter, I was overjoyed at how happy she was when we picked her up.  And then my “heart strings” were tugged!  The attendants in the nursery handed me a father’s day gift.  I looked at it and read it, and was so grateful for this gift that I made a decision that this was going to be the church for my family.  The nursery attendants took the time to place my daughter’s hand in paint and place her tiny hand print on a poem and frame the paper they used (see the photo to the side).  WOW!  My wife and I now work in the nursery with the infants and sometimes we can get overwhelmed with children, but the fact that these selfless people took time out of their stressed-out baby duty to do this for all the fathers was fantastic!

At the time, I did not realize that us visiting that father’s day and the poem were a “God Thing.”  As I look back at the last 4 years, I can obviously see that it definitely was.  It was less than a year later that I entered recovery for my sexual addiction and it was this church (more importantly the body of Christ – the members) that supported me in my recovery.  To be honest, up until I entered recovery, I was not involved in the church. I was one of those husbands, fathers, men that would come sit on Sunday mornings and let it go in one ear and out the other.  My biggest question after church was “what’s for lunch?”  I just was not invested in the church.

And then my life fell apart, and who was there to help me put things back together?  The body of Christ!  I began getting involved in church activities such as a couple of men’s Bible studies including one on Joseph, a Man of Integrity and Forgiveness (Swindoll).  It was during the study of Joseph where I confessed to having a sexual addiction.  I believe most of the men in the room were shocked and silent.  During the study on lesson 2, resisting temptation, I admitted my past sexual sin.  The funny thing is, after the study a couple of guys came up to me and also told me they struggled with about the same issues as I did.

From there, I took a Men’s Fraternity course, the Quest for Authentic Manhood that addressed a lot of my wounds growing up as well as showing me how the Bible defines manhood.  I continued on to various Christian studies and then in June 2010 I started the Castimonia Men’s Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group, meeting for the first time on Saturday, June 12, 2010.

Had it not been for the experience at the nursery on father’s day of 2008, I don’t think I would be where I am today.  I pray all fathers in recovery have had similar experiences and that they can reflect on how God used the love of their children to draw them closer to Him.  And for fathers that are still living in sexual sin and need a reason to get out, I would like for you to look into the eyes of your children and understand that if you remain in that secret sexual sin, then there is a high probability your children too will inherit that sin or marry someone who has their own sexual sin.  Had I stayed in my addiction and kept it secret, I am certain that my daughters would have grown up to marry someone who carried the same character defects and same sexual secrets as I did.  Furthermore, if I had sons, it would be much worse for them as they would end up with some sort of intimacy disorder, such as sex addiction, if I had kept up my isolation and secrets.  So please seek help and step into the light, the path of recovery is not easy, but it is so much better than a life of sexual impurity.  It is a much better life for you, your wife, and especially your children!

Happy Father’s Day!

Take what you like and leave the rest.