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Multiple Pornstars Speak Out About The Reality of The Pornography Industry!

The next few posts on Castimonia.org will focus on former female pornstars that have come forward to burst the fantasy bubble and expose the harsh reality of the pornography industry.  I urge everyone who reads this NOT to go searching on the internet for more information on these women as it would most likely bring up old ponographic content and constitute acting out.  Be satisfied about what you read here and praise God for the courage these women have to speak the TRUTH about the porn industry.  A special thank you to Shelley Lubben for her hard work with the Pink Cross Foundation. 

L**** L*******

L**** L******* has much to say about her pornographer:

“When in response to his suggestions I let him know I would not become involved in prostitution in any way and told him I intended to leave, [T******] beat me up physically and the constant mental abuse began. I literally became a prisoner, I was not allowed out of his sight, not even to use the bathroom, where he watched me through a hole in… the door. He slept on top of me at night, he listened to my telephone calls with a .45 automatic eight shot pointed at me. I was beaten physically and suffered mental abuse each and every day thereafter. He undermined my ties with other people and forced me to marry him on advice from his lawyer.”

“My initiation into prostitution was a gang rape by five men, arranged by Mr. T******. It was the turning point in my life. He threatened to shoot me with the pistol if I didn’t go through with it. I had never experienced anal sex before and it ripped me apart. They treated me like [triggering language removed] I have never been so frightened and disgraced and humiliated in my life. I felt like garbage. I engaged in sex acts for pornography against my will to avoid being killed.The lives of my family were threatened.”

J**** J******

“Most girls get their first experience in gonzo films – in which they’re taken to  a crappy studio apartment in Mission Hills and penetrated in every hole possible  by some abusive a****** who thinks her name is Bitch. And these girls, some of  whom have the potential to become major stars in the industry, go home afterward  and pledge never to do it again because it was such a terrible experience.”

A**** C*******

“I have been a performer now for 14 years in the adult film industry in many countries, states . . . all over the place. I have worked for most of these companies, and I was around for the once-a-month HIV-positive outbreak in ’98. Yes, I was, and I got to see those performers that nobody knows about—that nobody claims that got HIV, that are not a part of the statistics—walk out the door as non-performers, not to be counted.”

“Yeah, there are a lot of cover-ups going on. There is a lot of tragedy. There are a lot of horrible things.”

S******** S****

“I was sexually abused the first time by my step grandfather on my dad’s side and the second time by my actual stepdad so my sexuality was messed up from the beginning. I created another personality that was in complete control and didn’t have those things happen and didn’t have to deal with the pain. The industry is not a real accomplishment.  It’s just a false sense of accomplishment.  It covers everything up for what it is.”

B*********

“I like to hide — hide everything, you know?… And I’m not happy… I don’t like myself at all… My whole entire body feels it when I’m doing it and… I feel so — so gross.”

A*** A*******

“After a year or so of that so-called “glamorous” life, I sadly discovered that drugs and drinking were a part of the lifestyle. I began to drink and party out of control! Cocaine, alcohol and ecstasy were my favorites. Before long, I turned into a person I did not want to be. After doing so many hardcore scenes I couldn’t do it anymore. I just remember being in horrible situations and experiencing extreme depression and being alone and sad.” – A*** A*******

A****** B*****

“I honestly felt that if I had to have another strange man in my face, his hands (God knows where they’ve been) all over me, him calling me his “baby”, and having to exude some sort of forged passion for the world to see, I probably would’ve exploded. And what would’ve been stuck to the walls would’ve probably been nothing. Just pieces of skin, bone, the brain of a robot, and what would have been left of a once huge and warm heart.”

T**** T****

“As for myself, I ended up paying the price from working in the porn industry. In 2006, not even 9 months in, I caught a moderate form of dysplasia of the cervix(which is a form of HPV, a sexually transmitted disease) and later that day, I also found out I was pregnant. I had only 1 choice which was to abort the baby during my first month. It was extremely painful emotionally and physically. When it was all over, I cried my eyes out.”- T**** T****

L*** R***

“We should think about these issues right now, to change stuff around to make this a safer f**kin’ business. It isn’t a safe business, and I thought it was, and I would have not did that scene with no condom with Darren James if it would have crossed my mind that those tests weren’t good and that I couldn’t trust him or the people he’s been with. I thought porn people were the cleanest people in the world, is what I thought.” – L*** R***, diagnosed with HIV in April, 2004 along with four other porn stars.

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The Story of Former Porn Star Shelley Lubben

The next few posts on Castimonia.org will focus on former female pornstars that have come forward to burst the fantasy bubble and expose the harsh reality of the pornography industry.  I urge everyone who reads this NOT to go searching on the internet for more information on these women as it would most likely bring up old ponographic content and constitute acting out.  Be satisfied about what you read here and praise God for delivering these women from the bondage of the pornography industry. 

The Story of Former Porn Star Shelley Lubben
by shelleylubben| Sun, 09/18/2011 – 1:09pm

The Story of Former Porn Star Shelley Lubben
by Judith Reisman

I first watched Shelley Lubben on YouTube in early 2009. An “ex-porn star,” she has created the Pink Cross (www.thepinkcross.org) as a public charity to reach out to “adult industry workers, offering emotional, financial and transitional support.” In the YouTube segment, filmed before a church audience, Shelley describes her past life and her current work. A tall, stately woman, she treads the boards, moving her hands to emphasize her words, looking directly and earnestly at her listeners.

As a veteran student of pornography and prostitution, I did not expect to learn anything new from watching Shelley Lubben’s public testimony. I was wrong. Shelley’s description of the sexual violence and degradation of modern pornography was a shock, even to me. It made me think that it made perfect sense to hear that she had left her economically rewarding “star” roles to return to a safer life doing “straight” prostitution. The “glamour” of porn is only a mask:

You have to do what they want on the sets. . . . Girls . . . feel like stars. They get attention. . . . They don’t realize the degradation. . . . Raised on porn, [they] don’t even ask if it’s wrong. . . . They get into drugs to numb themselves. They get their [bodies] ripped. . . . They get HPV and herpes, and they turn themselves off emotionally and die.

Shelley says such women totally lose their identity and live on drugs and alcohol. They cannot plan, save their money, or eat properly. The survivors commonly have only sexual diseases and “fake boobs” to show for their lives in porn. She used to be one of them.

The Back Story

Shelley, born in 1968, notes that she attended “a good church” with her family and that, “as a little girl, I knew and loved Jesus very much.” Unfortunately, her stable if unaffectionate family moved to another location and stopped going to church. Television became the basis of their family life. A creative child, Shelley put on her own plays at her elementary school, with the approval of her amazed first-grade teacher.

Then, at age nine, a classmate and the girl’s teenage brother sexually molested Shelley. With no one to turn to or redress her abuse, Shelley defused her anxiety via autoeroticism and furtive sexual forays with both girls and boys. “It felt good to be wanted by someone and to receive attention, but at the same time I felt dirty. I didn’t recognize until much later that my entire childhood had been sexually hijacked.”

She carried shame and self-blame into her teen years. “It must be something evil in me,” she thought. She “started having sex at age 16” and became a “rebellious resentful teenager who acted out to get attention.” Hoping to keep peace in the home, her parents let Shelley dress up as a Playboy bunny and date strange boys, who led her into drug and alcohol abuse. The family tried counseling to no avail. Unable to understand what to do, her parents “told me to leave home at age 18.”

She landed in the San Fernando valley with no food and no money. “A ‘nice’ man saw I was upset and told me how sorry he was.” Still shocked and angry about being kicked out the house, so “that I didn’t care any more . . . I sold myself for $35.”

Thus Shelley entered the “glamorous” life of prostitution, but the money, jewelry, and gifts soon included bizarre sex with strangers who stalked her, slashed her tires, and threatened to kill her if she demurred from performing certain sex acts. One man tried to kill her with his truck, and she often had to lie her way out of frightening situations. During her eight years as a prostitute and exotic dancer, she had two miscarriages and one birth. Little Tiffany grew up living “with a lewd wild woman.”

Now a single mom, “Jesus kept tugging at my heart,” Shelley writes, “but I ignored him. I figured, God wasn’t taking care of me, so I had to do whatever I could to survive.”

Most of her prostitution money went for drugs and alcohol to blot out the trauma of her life. To avoid the rapes and arrests for prostitution, she turned to pornography because “it seemed safer and more legal.” However, even prostitution did not involve the brutal kinds of rape and degradation that she endured while “starring” in pornography. Soon she was required to do very hardcore scenes.

[O]nly more drugs and alcohol could get me through them. . . . I sold what was left of my heart, mind and femininity to the porn industry and the woman and person in me died completely on the porn set.” After becoming infected with herpes, I quietly left the porn industry but went back to prostitution to survive.

The Rescue

In 1994 Shelley met her husband Garrett at a bar. At first she refused his requests for a date, but when she finally accepted and the two went out, they became instant friends. Garret was raised in a Christian home and had attended a Christian school. He wanted to rescue Shelley. She says, “He was a friend to a prostitute, just like Jesus. We knew God was working in our lives, so we turned back to Jesus and got married on February 14, 1995.”

It was a rough marriage, but Shelley says God sent them to a church called Champions Centre in Tacoma, Washington, where they learned “to live a champion life.”

With God, I had true forgiveness from all my sins and a chance to grow into a whole new person without being perfect first. That was a relief! I learned that God loved me unconditionally, regardless of my past, and even had a plan for my future. God had a plan for my life? It was like someone turned the light on for me.

Shelley says she “practiced God’s principles in everything I did.” She learned web design and operated her own web design business for four years. She also attended college and got a bachelor’s degree in theology and counseling. She had walked into Champions Centre “broken and shattered,” she says. Eight years later, she was a

Champion woman healed and excited to live life! God restored me from drugs, alcohol addiction, painful memories, mental illness, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, and the guilt and shame from my past. . . . He also restored my femininity and healed my sexuality, which is a major miracle for me.

Shelley reports herself cured not only of herpes but also of cervical cancer. In addition, she says, “God also healed our marriage in a remarkable way. Garrett and I have a beautiful and loving relationship and are best friends!” Their “three beautiful daughters are being raised as Champions,” and, says Shelley, her daughter Tiffany has forgiven her and “allows me to be a mother to her.”

The Ministry

As a child, Shelley had dreamed of being a preacher. Having received her bachelor’s of theology degree, she is indeed a preacher now, sharing her testimony of transformation and rescue out of drugs, porn, and prostitution “by the power of Jesus Christ.” Her website says:

Now happily married to Garrett, her husband, and the mother of three daughters, Shelley takes a message of transformation against-all-odds to prisons, TV, radio, film, conferences and rescue missions. She has been a guest on talk shows such as Dr. Phil, Michael Reagan and most recently, FOXNews. Her message is one of exposing the $57 billion porn industry for what it is—full of lies and deceit, addiction and broken lives. Shelley maintains that women who turn to the industry to make money “probably didn’t grow up in healthy childhoods.

“Almost all pornography performers were sexually assaulted as children,” she says, but hide their broken hearts. “That would kill the fantasy, now wouldn’t it?” She told Chris Hedges:

Porn is like any other addiction. . . . First, you are curious. Then you need harder and harder drugs to get off. You need gang bangs and bestiality and child porn. Porn gets grosser and grosser. . . . And meanwhile the addicts make their wives feel like they can’t live up to the illusion of the porn star. . . . He wants what isn’t real. Porn destroys intimacy.

She says, “God now sends me out to proclaim to the world the reality of his awesome love. I also want everyone to know that whatever God did for me, he will do for you. He’ll do this because he loves you and sent his Son Jesus in order to give you a whole new life.”

Shelley tells the women she rescues that God has a plan for their lives and that they “were made for greater things.” Her website offers the real stories of these women, and includes a tragic Dead Porn Stars Memorial.

Shelley’s story is indeed inspirational. “All I wanted was a normal life. Then I discovered the truth. Sure enough, I finally found the life I always wanted.”

By

Former Porn Star J***** J****s’ Story

The next few posts on Castimonia.org will focus on former female pornstars that have come forward to burst the fantasy bubble and expose the harsh reality of the pornography industry.  I urge everyone who reads this NOT to go searching on the internet for more information on these women as it would most likely bring up old ponographic content and constitute acting out.  Be satisfied about what you read here and praise God for delivering these women from the bondage of the pornography industry. 

Former Porn Star J***** J*****’ Story
by shelleylubben| Fri, 11/20/2009 – 10:05pm

Hi, my name is A**** AKA J***** J*****. I was involved in the porn industry for a short period of time. Let me tell you something, it’s not anything great, that’s for sure. I hurt people who loved me when I did that raunchy stuff. I was fooled by dollar signs and false illusion. I was gullible enough to believe that it wouldn’t hurt me. Now, I pay the consequences of what I have done.

Before I ever did this stuff I was an average girl. I was definitely a little different in some ways but for the most part I was pretty average. Well, I’ve made some pretty poor choices in my life. I take full responsibility for each one. I’ve seen a side of the world that nobody would want to see. It’s evil, dark and very manipulative.

People in the porn industry are numb to real life and are like zombies walking around doing what they have become so accustomed to. It’s really sad. It’s really painful to see. You have no idea how badly their feelings have been hurt. The abuse that goes on in this industry is completely ridiculous. The way these young ladies are treated is totally sick and brainwashing. I left due to the trauma I experienced even through that short time. The industry forgets that these little girls are human and no human on earth deserves to be abused such as they are.

I just really wanted to justify myself to those who have no idea what goes on in the porn industry or inside the minds of these young jaded girls. Most of us didn’t dream of becoming porn stars, we some how fell into it. Some of us believed once you’re in, there is no way out. WRONG. I got out. I will never go back! What does not kill me will make me stronger. God will never let me down, even during the worst of times.

I am so thankful to have been brought back to God through all this. My one and only God! He feels the void inside my heart and the empty space deep inside my soul with unfailing love and never ending mercy. He is the one and only solution to our lives. I am grateful for each and every single day because I have Jesus Christ by my side. He has given me so much hope and I am more than 110% positive that through Jesus Christ all things are possible!

When it comes to life, its how you handle the circumstances you’ve been put under and what you choose to do about it that makes you who are today. I have decided to not let the past break me but instead to make me even better than I would have been before. I would like to thank the Pink Cross for the amazing support they have shown and given me. Without the Pink Cross, I would not be able to share my story or come clean like this. I love the Pink Cross and everything they are doing to stop the porn industry, as it really does kill the souls of the people who enter. Thank you so much Shelley. God has really used your past to give us hope and through him, to help save us.

I would like to thank God for putting Shelley and the Pink Cross together to help save the lives and put an end to the abuse of the wicked porn industry. Thank you Pink Cross. I am truly thankful.

I also wanted to acknowledge the hard times I put other people around me through. I am sorry. You didn’t deserve to be hurt like that. I wish you all the best. You know who I am talking to.

A**** AKA J***** J*****

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S**** Escapes Porn and Sex Work!

The next few posts on Castimonia.org will focus on former female pornstars that have come forward to burst the fantasy bubble and expose the harsh reality of the pornography industry.  I urge everyone who reads this NOT to go searching on the internet for more information on these women as it would most likely bring up old ponographic content and constitute acting out.  Be satisfied about what you read here and praise God for delivering these women from the bondage of the pornography industry. 

S**** Escapes Porn and Sex Work!
by admin| Mon, 02/07/2011 – 10:32pm

I grew up in a Christian home in the East part of Germany. But somehow I never felt the love & affection of my father, so my search for love & acceptance began in primary school, where I got molested by older boys.

I felt guilty & used, but it also made me feel important for the first time in life. Somebody finally took a real interest in me, so I’d thought.

It was about the same time that I got introduced to porn. I found these magazines hidden under some bathroom towels… I was wondering what they were doing there & why they were kept hidden… I never have seen women & men “behaving or doing stuff like that” before. But when I saw how these women were desired by men it left a longing in my heart… I thought I had found out about a secret. So it became my secret & my thoughts started to turn around these images.

I saw my first hardcore porn movie at a friends’ house while her single mom was absent. It shook my world, but led me even further into that already existing dependency on these “nude love-making images” & sex fantasies. It felt like there was a “hook in my flesh” that wasn’t going to leave me. I started to touch myself.

Comparing myself to the women I saw in the magazines or movies I felt unwanted, fat, ugly & stupid.

I even prayed to GOD to make me more attractive to be loved. Soon thoughts of suicide crept into my mind & I sought of ways to die. To escape the hurt inside I fled into my fantasy world of perversion & day dreams.

As I grew older I realized that I started to receive a lot of attention for my looks and body. So I got involved with a lot older men Nazis & Satanists & started to sing their songs & to worship their idols. I became a racist along the way & hated every weak & imperfect being around me. Though I couldn’t believe what was happening: They were betting on “Who will get her first” with money & I felt so desired. I was known for a hot ‘n’ hard shell to crack & I was proud to be a “naughty virgin”!

But my longing for approval wasn’t satisfied much longer by only playing men like I had seen in the porn movies. By then these women on screen had taught me well how to lure a man & how to tease him. So I’ve got the look, the moves & the dirty talk. I was confused because I hated men & wanted them so badly at the same time. What was wrong with me? But being exposed to porn & hurting inside, everything got twisted.

I called it the GAME to trick men & let them fall when they got “high on me”. Not all men were happy to be treated this way by me, so I got violated a few times.

One of my first boys recognized my talent for the sex industry & made me table dance with a tiny miniskirt without underwear for the first time. Oh how I loved the attention. I was so desperate for his approval.

I started to dress up like a sexbomb whenever I went out. I was seeking for attention & I wanted everyone to notice me.

I never had real girlfriends because they were competition for me & I even cheated on them with their boyfriends. I got entangeled with married men, had many affairs at the same time but never called anybody “my boyfriend”. I didn’t even know how to do a relationship with anybody. I felt so lonely on the inside, but on the outside I was a tough chick who had everything under control.

I wanted to be free. I wanted to make the rules & I didn’t want anybody to leave me, so I never got together with somebody. I lowered my desires for a real loving & caring relationship & exchanged it with abusive, superficial fake ones. That was my soul protection, I thought.

I’d seen that it was all about the sexual attraction & it gave me value & satisfaction, when I could get men to cheat on their women.

Finally when I couldn’t stand living with my parents anymore, to pretend to be a sweet girl in church which I had to attend & my teacher wanted to leave his family for a relationship with me, I needed to get “outta there” & moved to the US after I finished my A-levels.

As a smart girl, I covered my escape with the excuse to learn some english as an AuPair.

The first family threw me out right away, because the Lady accused me of hitting on her husband which was not true at all… But my body language must have been so obvious screaming for lust & affirmation out of every pore.

I moved to Long Island, but NYC is not the best place to turn an already messed-up young life around, when the devil is already out there about to destroy you.

I found myself enjoying a glamorous lifestyle, became very proud, arrogant & careless, which led me into a few very dangerous situations.

I got pampered for my looks with free beauty treatments & finally got the playboy-look with the blonde hair & the long nails. Even the girl I took vacation with in LA called me “The hooker on the sunset strip” coz the Ferrari stopped right in the middle of the street but I was too proud to hop into his car.

I wasn’t a prostitute, I thought.

My destiny was to become a smart “RichMenBunny” & a famous porn actress. That is what I had been told during all my time at school: That I was born for acting & for sinful things. The name “Sin-ful-Sin-dy” how I had been called – haunted me all along. It really had become my identity.

I wanted to pay back the men what they had done to me or for what they hadn’t done to me. I was full of hatred. I wanted that power over men & I knew I could only get it through sex & manipulation. So I started to get paid for the exchange of sexual favours. It was pathetic. I never wanted money – but gifts, quality time, words of approval & just some nice treatment. I was so empty & I wanted to feel special. Valued. Normal.

But my plan of taking off in the adult industry got stopped by the painful experiences of abuse along the way.

I knew my life was out of control somehow. I had deceived myself to believe that everything was alright. I didn’t know who I was or what I was supposed to do, so after a few month on a french island, I finally went back to Germany to study & to try to impress my father with some other skills of mine, after he wasn’t impressed by what a great looking girl I had become by then.

Bored of my life I started internet “hooking up” & called it dating.

My profiles became my own escort service to feed my own addiction to my sex-driven lifestyle. I had different identities and names. Sunny-Bunny was my favourite.

Since I was completely empty on the inside, I needed phone & cyber sex to survive emotionally. Yet the “entertainment industry” didn’t satisfy neither.

I got many offers for a web cam flat or “high profile escort” but it all became tasteless & shallow to me.

One night I was with a regular client when his wife called, asking him when he was about to come home… They had children & after I had just disgraced their family car, I felt sick on the inside, thinking of my future: Dreaming about a husband who would be faithful to me, while here I was sitting destroying family lives.

I longed for deep intimacy but found it nowhere. I was devastated.

I got totally obsessed with my body- & beauty-image and didn’t leave the house if I didn’t look perfect. I didn’t eat or ate too much. Alcohol and parties were again the cure for my depressions. I couldn’t sleep or had horrible nightmares (of demons raping me*) when I did. (*Every morning – better every afternoon I woke up – for I mostly lived during the night & slept during the day, it felt it had really happened to me – later I found out that I wasn’t crazy & that this is really happening to other people as well & is part of how the enemy tries to wear you out – these “dreams” are called succubus or incubus…)

In this state I couldn’t keep up with going to uni anymore. But after I got raped at the dorm rooms, which was so physically painful, that I couldn’t walk, sit or use the bathroom for days, I never went back there again. Instead I moved into a lesbian couples’ house to be protected from male violence.

When my “Saviour boyfriend” at the time & drug dealer turned out not to be “Mister Right” and I caught Genital Herpes, a non curable sexual transmitted disease, my feeling of being “on top of the world” tumbled.

From this moment on I just existed. I felt paralyzed & couldn’t leave my bed for weeks.There I sought through religions, the occult and by psychologist treatments for a solution out of my mess. I wanted to kill myself and had so many voices in my head to kill others too. I thought I would go crazy. I hated everything & everybody around me. There I also prayed to GOD again to rescue me.

Years ago I had picked up a Christian magazine while going to church with my parents (to keep up the family reputation), where I had read a story about an Ex-Porn Actress who had turned to Christ for her salvation.

I found Shelley Lubbens story on the internet & cried so much while reading her testimony. For the first time I thought somebody would understand me. So I wrote her an e-mail & then we talked over the phone. Shelley told me that I need GOD, JESUS and the Holy Spirit. But I didn’t know where to start, what to do… I just knew… I needed to stop this kind of life otherwise I would die inside out. Shelley counseled me over the internet which was very precious to me & gave me hope for a better future.

Through Shelley I got introduced to a lot of other amazing women who had left their past & old identities behind to live a devoted life in submission to Jesus Christ – the source of life on earth & for eternity.

I trusted those testimonies to be true & moved to Paris where I raised my hand to become a Christian in Hillsong Paris on the 3rd of November 2006. I wanted a brandnew life & for the first time I felt that it could be possible. Nobody judged me. Instead they introduced me to the redeeming love of Jesus Christ.

I got sponsored to attend Hillsong Women’s Conference in London, where GOD broke my heart over my past & what I had done to myself & others. I understood that I had to repent. But He also gave me a glimpse of my future and the promise that He would restore and heal me.

In London I found out about Mercy Ministries.

Back in Paris, I got baptised in the Holy Spirit, which made a massive difference in my relationship to GOD. For the first time I could sense His presence and it was very precious to me.

But even though something had changed on the inside, my past still haunted me & I couldn’t stop certain habits & behaviours.

I felt lost in my own war for freedom.

The voices in my head just wouldn’t shut up & I had no idea how to silence them.

GOD’s truth was hard for me to digest, because I had to realize that I had been lied to for 23 years by the enemy & it had destroyed my life, self worth & the ability to trust & to function in normal relationships.

I just couldn’t break with my old lifestyle in my own strength.

On the 1st of October 2008 I walked through the doors of Mercy Ministries UK for 7 months of recovery & Christian life skill training.

So much has happened there. So many chains were broken. I was taught fantastic tools to use now in my everyday life. Christ’s unconditional love was poured out to me. I could fill pages about what has happened there…

Maybe one thing, that will indicate the war that was going on over my life: The devil had tried to mess with my identity all my life and had called me SIN, the first three letters of my name. “Sindy – made for sinful things,” the enemy had wispered on any occasion into my ear.

At Mercy I cried out to GOD: “Give me a new name – I don’t want to be called SIN anymore!”

And GOD answered gently to me: “You never have been, Sindy! SINDY contains two letters more: DY-DIE – SIN HAS TO DIE!!! – Sindy, you are called FREEDOM!”

I completely broke down after that revelation of GOD Himself. My sinful past had no power over me anymore. I was set free.

That was real love, I had never experienced before.

See that is the total opposite what the the devil wants for you through the experience of porn: He makes you think that you are in control, that you are lord over your life, but you are not! I had become a slave to pornography. Now it was me the client. I didn’t take a penny – I even felt that I had to pay them to make me happy, to satisfy the hunger inside. That is how sick it had become. It got so bad that wherever I turned I saw everybody naked. Every noise you hear, your brain turns into something perverted. Then I knew, I live in a cage! I was trapped.

But now GOD is still walking me through the hurts & consequences of the past & shows me how to live life different. He teaches me through His Word, other peoples testimonies (there is so much power in testifying what GOD has done for us & the devil doesn’t want us to encourage each other) and through lessons learnt myself with the assistance of the Holy Spirit.

I have worked over 1 and a half years in fulltime ministry (“Zukunft-für- DICH” which means there is a “future for you” in Jesus Christ) in Berlin, reaching out to lost girls – in the Red Light District, where I was also able to take girls in into our girls-accommodation to get them off drugs & alcohol & teach them how to live a normal life with Jesus.

I also got totally blessed by teaching the girls twice at the Mercy House in October 2010. And spending 3 days with them just made me cry & so thankful over what JESUS had done to me through that wonderful place & precious staff!

Today I get invited to speak at conferences & seminars on how JESUS has set me free & how to deal with the topics that I struggled with! I love to share the gospel!

Now I am about to move home to my precious sister who is trapped in the lies of the enemy as well. I have treated her very badly & have abused her with my words & actions while we were growing up together… Now it’s about time to show her the LOVE OF CHRIST & to spend time with my family. JESUS gave me the love for my family back! I am so thankful that I am welcomed home into my parents’ house after all that I did to them. GOD is good & faithful!

I am currently building up a Self Help & Recovery Group for (Ex-) Sex, Love & Porn Addicts in cooperation with an Austrian based ministry called “love is more”, which I am really excited about to develop & work with.

In February 2011 I’ll join Shelley to fight the lies of PORN at Cambridge University!

Finally I’ll be able to meet her for real & thank her personally for all she had been pouring out into me over the last 4 years! …awww Shelley – I love you so much!

… & the best is yet to come – for with JESUS – everything is possible & life gets better & better & better & I am not afraid to grow old & get wrinkles anymore !!!!  🙂

Please let me encourage you, if you are single: I am single & free from porn & masturbation & I am not having sex until I am married!

I am praying for my future husband & I will wait until that day of my wedding before I will have sex again. I am SURE that this is possible because JESUS lives in me & HE has totally changed me & gives me GRACE to work out my salvation in every sphere of life.

If you wanna WIN, you gotta FIGHT! It may take you some time, but with Jesus & a group of faith filled friends or support group on your side you can DO it! It is worth it!

To all those men, women & children that have been hurt by my past life & behaviour: I am really SORRY for what I have done to you & how I have been such a negative role model! I prayed to GOD for forgiveness & I hope & pray that you can forgive me too?!

Sharing my life story with others isn’t always easy, it makes you vulnerable. But I know how I had been desperate for a glimpse of hope when I realized that I was living a lie & an illusion.

The truth & nothing but the truth is: Freedom & the purpose of your life is found in Jesus Christ!

And THANKS to Shelley sharing her testimony online 5 years ago, I am a changed woman today! 🙂

I hope & pray that I can encourage you right now to consider the option of inviting JESUS into your heart where ever you are & start THE LIFE you were meant to live!

JESUS loves you so much & wants you to enjoy your life here on earth & for eternity!

And if you have a story to tell, then be brave & share yours too! People need to know & GOD deserves all our praise!

… to be continued for HIS GLORY !!!!!! – JESUS I LOVE YOU !!!!!!

My message to a world addicted to pornography: 

PLEASE STOP WATCHING PORN !!! I was one of the statistics when I got exposed to porn at the tender age of 9. It almost destroyed my life.

PLEASE “turn to the wife/husband of your youth”, love, honor & treasure her/him & protect your children from that filthy lie of the enemy.

GOD has created sex to be very special in the wonderful & secure setting of marriage. GOD knows best – He created us.

SOME FAQ’s about PORN & Co. and my answers:

I’ve heard it said that people who star in porn films do it because they love it.  What’s your response to that?

I do understand why they have to say that: otherwise how can you support what you do?! You gotta sell your product! & just don’t tell anybody about the side effects until they almost or sadly sometimes kill you yourself. Often we are so abused & hurt inside that we don’t feel the pain anymore coz we numb it. To survive.

Yes, I also said that I love all that bodily fluids all over my face. All the women in porn convinced me of that too. It seemed like so much “fun”. But it is disgusting, degrading. But if you tell yourself often enough you like it, otherwise men won’t “love & accept” you, you add a big convincing fake smile, it almost becomes a truth!

What happened to make you decide that enough was enough?

All sorts of abuse, rape, trauma, depressions, STD & the thought about my future without a happy family. Realizing that you live a lie & desire truth more. Sick of being cheated. When I felt that “somebody/something” wants to kill you, but you want to live !

Why do you think more and more women are becoming producers of porn films?

They want the power they never had. They are so hurt inside that they wanna hurt others.

There is a lot of money in that business & some “glamour” & some might be addicted to sexual images like me as well… and to not be on the suffering end of an actress they produce what they like, but know that its war between short term satisfaction and pain in the long run.

How can we as Christians make a difference in this industry? 

Support the Pink Cross Foundation & raise awareness through organizations like XXX-Church. There are good resources out there. Get your friends, church, community educated on the true(!) effects of porn & the pain porn “stars” suffer !

FACE the truth! Don’t ignore the big pink elephant that wants to trample into your BEDroom !

Get Shelley’s new book “Truth behind the fantasy of porn” or read “Redeeming Love” of Francine Rivers & feel the pain inside of us.

What is the best piece advice you have for young women who feel the pressure of society bearing down on them to conform to an idealised image that doesn’t even exist?

To really look behind the scenes & again face the Truth about the whole issue. Look to GOD for your calling & destiny, ask Him for goals & visions for your life. Every girl has a special purpose on this planet, but that does not include to become a sex slave of the sex industry!

I know how it feels: women in porn look so flawless & hot, so powerful, Though I somehow knew that it was fake, Though I couldn’t imagine them to be really happy – still they are adored & wanted by many & That wanted me to be like one of them.

I know that many teenage girls, who don’t feel loved think the same way – and it kills me inside, that they compromise their innocence on that lie of perversion of the enemy.

If I only somehow can prevent them walking down that path of destruction and to find their true love in Jesus Christ instead, my heart would overflow with joy!

That is the cry of my heart.

Girls, don’t believe the father of the lies!

Believe your caring & loving Daddy who treasures you and your sexuality!

LOVE YOU ALL !!! S****

By

Ex Porn Star C***** T*****’s Story

The next few posts on Castimonia.org will focus on former female pornstars that have come forward to burst the fantasy bubble and expose the harsh reality of the pornography industry.  I urge everyone who reads this NOT to go searching on the internet for more information on these women as it would most likely bring up old ponographic content and constitute acting out.  Be satisfied about what you read here and praise God for delivering these women from the bondage of the pornography industry. 

Ex Porn Star C***** T***** Story
by shelleylubben| Mon, 10/10/2011 – 3:51pm

Former porn star V******* speaks out on her career in porn and the permanent damage it has caused her. V******* was active in the porn industry from 2003-2004 and did about 60 hardcore films. She is now on a mission to speak out about the harms of pornography.

SL: How were you first introduced to the sex industry?

V:  Through a girlfriend I had who stripped.

SL: What did you think the sex industry could offer you?

V:  Glamour and a sense of purpose with men. I wanted attention like my girlfriends received in high school. I was looked over for most of the part. I wasn’t the homecoming queen.

SL: Tell us about your first experience with the porn world.

V:  I won a contest in a Hustler magazine that I entered almost as a joke and suddenly I was off to LA. Someone who worked with Hustler set me up with Derrick Hey with LA Direct Models and I moved into his house along with other porn stars. His house was so full that he moved one of the girls into a closet. Every porn star had to pay $700 a month to stay with him.

SL: Did you feel pressured by pornographers to do sex acts you wouldn’t have done before porn?

V:  Yes. I swore I would never do anal and or interracial porn. I am not a racist but I don’t sleep with black men in my personal life and I don’t do anal. Just stomach turning…

SL: Which sex acts were you coerced into doing?

V:  I finally broken down after being pressured and did anal and a scene with a black guy.

SL: Who was your agent? Were you pressured to do sex acts you didn’t agree to?

V: D****** H** with LA Direct Models was my agent and he pressured me to do anal. He even booked me to do an anal with him so I packed up my bags and left his house.

SL: What was your worst experience in porn?

V:  When I did a scene for Red Light District, V**** V**** gave me a ride to the set and he asked me for “(triggering sexual reference removed)”. He called me a whore and told me I had to do it. So I did. When I arrived to the set I expected to do a vaginal girl boy scene. But during the scene with male porn star E*** E*******, he forced himself anally into me and would not stop. I yelled at him to stop and screamed no over and over but he would not stop. The pain became too much and I was in shock and my body went limp. I couldn’t fight him off anymore. After the scene, they wouldn’t give me a ride home. I called a taxi and went to a medical clinic to check me out due to the severe pain I was in. A day later I received a phone call from V**** to keep my mouth shut about the rape. He threatened me that I didn’t know who I was messing with and that his edited footage of what happened would prove me a liar. When I went to Red Light District to get my check, I was only paid for vaginal, not the anal rape. The anal scene was so traumatizing that I hid out for six weeks.

SL: Were you offered drugs and alcohol?

V:  I did not do any drugs… I don’t use alcohol. I performed sober. I was never around drugs and only around alcohol at parties. I rarely attended those. I didn’t do any of it before getting into the industry and I never had a desire to use drugs and alcohol regardless. Thank God. He watched over me in that respect.

SL: Did you feel pressured to change your looks?

V:  Yes… incredibly. And it became an obsession to always measure up and now I am lost in myself trying to measure up to who I think I could have been. Very emotionally disturbing actually.

SL:  Describe any abuse you saw going on during a porn production.

V: I can only say that a lot of men in that industry don’t like women to begin with. I am not saying all of them don’t but a lot don’t and they could care less about the level of degradation they place on women.

SL: What is your experience with STDs?

V:  By the grace of God I didn’t catch an STD… I tested regularly through AIM, however, when a performer I worked with caught an STD, I was given a pill to prevent me from getting sick.

SL:  Do you feel you were educated by the porn industry about STDs?

V: I feel that they have a way of making you feel like a sex soldier and that you are exempt of the true risk that exists of contracting HIV. It was the last thought that crossed my mind when I worked. I know of someone who contracted it during the last outbreak. It is heartbreaking. I would love to see nothing more than the industry protecting the performers’ lives and mandating condoms. They can use clear ones and protect lives. The pornographers aren’t the victims when it comes to the STDS. The performers are.

SL:   Were you educated about your rights as an employee to a safe and healthful workplace?

V:  Absolutely not.

SL:  Describe your work environment. Did you feel it was a safe and healthful workplace?

V:  I was under the illusion that porn was safe until someone I met contracted HIV and it hit me that it could have been me at any given time and that we are not sex soldiers and not exempt from the perils and pitfalls that could happen as a result of unprotected sex.

SL:  Were you afraid you would catch STDS or HIV?

V: Not at the time because I was told I would be kept safe. I actually thought Sharon Mitchell was doing the best she could to protect performers. But at the same time there are NO guarantees that you will be spared from STDs or contracting HIV and that it can be you getting the positive test result at any time in an industry that allows for unprotected sex.

SL: V*******, did you ever enjoy making porn?

V: I only enjoyed the opportunities that arose such as appearing on the Howard Stern show. I never had an orgasm. I only acted. It was a big act. And the act got uglier with being raped by Red Light district. I don’t even like sex anymore because I can’t find someone that doesn’t abuse me on one level or another and they think it’s ok because I was a porn star and that their abuse is justified. No abuse is justified.

SL:   How did you get out of porn?

V: The very last scene I shot with Evil Angel and it was an interracial scene. I didn’t want to do it but after the anal scene, I was told I wouldn’t work again after V****’s threats and lies so I really had no choice. I did the scene with the black male porn star on a Thursday and the director tried to book me again on Monday with the same performer. I ended up getting on a plane going back home because I had enough. It was truly God watching over me because I learned that the male performer worked with someone who was on the first generation watch list for the HIV outbreak that occurred the day before that scene was booked. That’s how close I was to HIV. I cried my eyes out.

SL:  How are you treated now that you are out of porn?

V: I am treated absolutely horrific!!! Porn has left a permanent stain on my life. I have been harassed by boyfriends because of my porn past. I am discriminated against in my community when applying for jobs and sometimes on levels that are illegal. I deserve to be happy in life and not harassed by people who are threatened by my past. I also don’t deserve to be slandered, I don’t slander others, I don’t deserve it.

SL:  What message would you give to other aspiring porn stars?

V: I would say that it isn’t all glamour and there may be times that you could find yourself being coerced or violated and that you could contract HIV and you can wind up empty and soul less and alone in life…like me. And that the stigma and finger waving will follow you for the rest of your life. You could spend your life being harassed like I am. It isn’t fun by any means. It’s only made me hateful where I never used to be hateful. I am a product of what can happen to girls. I go to bed alone at night. I don’t have many friends. I never once thought people would act so incredibly sick in the head over my porn past.

SL: What message would you give to men viewing porn?

V: That women are NOT objects and we don’t want to have our insides pounded out and we don’t want to be degraded and that we are real people with real hearts and real personalities. It’s sick that porn viewers want to watch women being violated. The people I know who are obsessed with sex and porn and orgies are Lawyers Doctors Dentists and Judges, the people in position who society thinks so much of while they secretly get off to violent and degrading porn. These are the people who need to seek treatment and the ones that society are programmed to think so highly of. I know a dentist who has a porn collection and him and his wife take their office staff to Mexico and they have orgies. They tried to brand me a prostitute because I made porn when they are the hypocrites with the sexual addiction and even bully their office staff into sexual acts because of their sexual and porn addiction. This is the kind of thing that happens in the real world. Porn addiction is real and it damages lives.

SL: Thank you V******* for being honest and so courageous to share your story and experience in porn. I know it wasn’t easy but I am sure you will help many people learn the truth about porn and the damage it forever causes in the lives of women who work in porn. We are blessed to have you join with Pink Cross Foundation in the war against porn. May God continue to watch over you and bless you for standing for truth.

Call to Action to the readers: Please stop viewing porn and stop contributing to damaging women’s lives. Please instead pray fervently for the women who are abused in porn that God would heal their lives and do above and beyond all they could ask or think (Ephesians 3:20).