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Hard Words Bruise

Hard Words Bruise
Posted by James Browning on October 25, 2012

A dysfunctional family is one in which members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied. Underlying problems may include any of the following: an addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling; the existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse; the presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental or physical illness. Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become “survivors.” They develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They detach themselves. They don’t talk. They don’t touch. They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t trust. http://mentalhealthamerica.net/go/codependency

“A torn jacket is soon mended, but hard words bruise the heart of a child.” –  Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

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Feeling Trapped and Fearing Abandonment

Feeling Trapped and Fearing Abandonment
Posted by James Browning on October 23, 2012

If you think your wife is codependent, there’s a good chance you are, too. Often codependent men are attracted to women who are needy, demanding, jealous, or critical. Men become dependent on their wives’ approval, and then feel trapped by their manipulation, demands, or expectations. They’re unable to set boundaries and fear emotional retaliation and/or rejection, including withholding of sex. Their wives may be very emotional, providing a sense of aliveness to the relationship and compensating for the numbness many codependent men feel inside. In the beginning, a man can feel powerful, helping a needy girlfriend or wife and giving her attention or gifts. He conforms to her expectations, while being assured that she won’t abandon him, but eventually discovers that it’s never enough to satisfy her. . Fear of rejection and abandonment are powerful motivators for codependency, usually because of early emotional abandonment by a parent. Consequently, the men never leave – physically – but withdraw to the safety of a self-made emotional prison. After a while, they feel trapped, controlled, and resentful. They may use drugs or addictive behavior to manage anxiety and depression, while some look outside the marriage for validation. However, it’s not their wives that are the cause of their problem, it’s their codependency. Darlene Lancer, M.A., MFT, J.D.

“More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren’t so busy denying them.” –   Harold J. Smith

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Codependency and Sex Addiction

I wanted to spend the next couple of months posting short articles on codependency and how it relates to our sexual addiction.

Per Robert Subby, Codependency is an emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules – rules which prevent the open expression of feelings as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems.

Earnie Larsen defines codependency as “those self-defeating, learned behaviors or character defects that result in a diminished capacity to initiate or to participate in loving relationships.”

Melody Beattie defines a codependent as “a person who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”

The first two seem logical for me, the codependent recovering sex addict, the third, not so much with my wife, as my wife’s behavior is not a problem.  However, in past relationships, the definition fits perfectly.  My “definition” or explanation of codependency is more of an extreme fear of abandonment where we try to control everyone and everything around us (particularly our spouses) so that they will not leave us.  In my addiction, I feared abandonment (but never realized it until recovery) and medicated those fears through my sexual acting out.   Addicts are codependents, we fear abandonment because of the neglect or abandonment we experienced as children.  Now, as an adult, I have tried to control every relationship, both friends and my spouse in a futile effort to prevent the abandonment I experienced as a child.

Another way to look at it is allowing my wife’s emotions, feelings, disposition to deeply affect who I am and how I feel about myself.  When my wife is upset, I get upset.  When my wife is happy, then I am happy.  I had become a slave to my wife’s emotions and I didn’t even realize it!

I strongly feel that my sexual addiction as an adult was a way of medicating the fear of abandonment I experienced throughout my life.  This is not an excuse for my sexual acting out, but an understanding to a deeper root cause of my addiction and thus deeper healing of my inner self.

As always, take what you like and leave the rest.

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Journey of Hope Retreat #18: Available Space

There are still a few places open for the next Journey of Hope Men’s Retreat October 18 – 20. If they register before September 18th, they get the discounted registration price of $30 for the retreat and all supplies.

Please give anyone who may be interested in the retreat the attached flyer.
Thanks,
Dr. Milton S. Magness

JOURNEY OF HOPE RETREAT #18

The Hope & Freedom retreat is one of the best, if not the best retreat for men’s sexual purity issues I have ever attended!  It is led by Dr. Milton Magness, a very successful therapist in the realm of Sexual Addiction Recovery.

Registration is open to the first 30 men who sign up, see the link below:

Retreat Flyer

Journey of Hope Retreat #18

Direct Registration Link (Register through Houston’s First Baptist)

The cost is only $30 if you register prior to September 2013.  I urge you to attend this retreat, and pray it helps you out as much as it helped me!

Dates: October 18-20, 2013
Location: Palacios, TX
Cost: $30 prior to September, $40 after September up until the retreat is full

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Four Jobs of an Accountability Partner

Originally posted: http://porntopurity.com/blog/2013/05/13/the-four-jobs-of-an-accountability-partner/

Four Jobs of an Accountability Partner

by Jeff Fisher on May 13, 2013

We are working on a podcast and a series of blog on accountability. A major part of sexual recovery is having good accountability, whether from an individual, a group, a minister, or a counselor.

We wanted to share four key jobs every good accountability partner has:

cheerCHEER – The person in recovery needs to know that they are not alone. Someone is on their side. Someone is rooting for them. Not just from the sidelines, but right in the war with him. The cheerleader encourages, but is always genuine in his encouragement. He doesn’t say “good job” if it’s not merited. But he always says, “You can get there. With God’s help, you can do it!”

 

ChallengeCHALLENGE – The addict will plateau at times and settle in to a comfortable level. The accountability partner is always challenging them. Putting the Big Picture of sexual purity, glorifying God, and healthy sexuality in front of them. The accountability partner sees farther than where the addict is and challenges him to shoot higher. Challenge happens when there is positive momentum or plateauing.

 

confrontCONFRONT – Confrontation happens where there is negative momentum. When sin happens and failures happens they need to be addressed. When an addict is hardening his heart or not willing to take the next step the accountability partner needs to take the role of confronting them. When the addicts behavior is hurting others, it must be confronted. Confession and repentance are the right responses to confrontation.

 

encourageCOMFORT – The recovery process is full of hurts, wounds, disappointments, failures, and consequences. The recovering person needs an arm around him when times are tough. He needs someone who understands where he is at and just sits with him. Prays for him. Cries with him. Supports him. Cares.

An accountability partner can be an ear to hear venting. Sometimes he needs needs to pray for him. Sometimes he just needs to show that he cares with a phone call.

The grief process can be tremendous for the addict. The consequences can sometimes seem unbearable. This is where an accountability partner can be a big help.