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Shelley Lubben

August 12, 2013 By Castimonia

The Story of Former Porn Star Shelley Lubben

The next few posts on Castimonia.org will focus on former female pornstars that have come forward to burst the fantasy bubble and expose the harsh reality of the pornography industry.  I urge everyone who reads this NOT to go searching on the internet for more information on these women as it would most likely bring up old ponographic content and constitute acting out.  Be satisfied about what you read here and praise God for delivering these women from the bondage of the pornography industry. 

The Story of Former Porn Star Shelley Lubben
by shelleylubben| Sun, 09/18/2011 – 1:09pm

The Story of Former Porn Star Shelley Lubben
by Judith Reisman

I first watched Shelley Lubben on YouTube in early 2009. An “ex-porn star,” she has created the Pink Cross (www.thepinkcross.org) as a public charity to reach out to “adult industry workers, offering emotional, financial and transitional support.” In the YouTube segment, filmed before a church audience, Shelley describes her past life and her current work. A tall, stately woman, she treads the boards, moving her hands to emphasize her words, looking directly and earnestly at her listeners.

As a veteran student of pornography and prostitution, I did not expect to learn anything new from watching Shelley Lubben’s public testimony. I was wrong. Shelley’s description of the sexual violence and degradation of modern pornography was a shock, even to me. It made me think that it made perfect sense to hear that she had left her economically rewarding “star” roles to return to a safer life doing “straight” prostitution. The “glamour” of porn is only a mask:

You have to do what they want on the sets. . . . Girls . . . feel like stars. They get attention. . . . They don’t realize the degradation. . . . Raised on porn, [they] don’t even ask if it’s wrong. . . . They get into drugs to numb themselves. They get their [bodies] ripped. . . . They get HPV and herpes, and they turn themselves off emotionally and die.

Shelley says such women totally lose their identity and live on drugs and alcohol. They cannot plan, save their money, or eat properly. The survivors commonly have only sexual diseases and “fake boobs” to show for their lives in porn. She used to be one of them.

The Back Story

Shelley, born in 1968, notes that she attended “a good church” with her family and that, “as a little girl, I knew and loved Jesus very much.” Unfortunately, her stable if unaffectionate family moved to another location and stopped going to church. Television became the basis of their family life. A creative child, Shelley put on her own plays at her elementary school, with the approval of her amazed first-grade teacher.

Then, at age nine, a classmate and the girl’s teenage brother sexually molested Shelley. With no one to turn to or redress her abuse, Shelley defused her anxiety via autoeroticism and furtive sexual forays with both girls and boys. “It felt good to be wanted by someone and to receive attention, but at the same time I felt dirty. I didn’t recognize until much later that my entire childhood had been sexually hijacked.”

She carried shame and self-blame into her teen years. “It must be something evil in me,” she thought. She “started having sex at age 16” and became a “rebellious resentful teenager who acted out to get attention.” Hoping to keep peace in the home, her parents let Shelley dress up as a Playboy bunny and date strange boys, who led her into drug and alcohol abuse. The family tried counseling to no avail. Unable to understand what to do, her parents “told me to leave home at age 18.”

She landed in the San Fernando valley with no food and no money. “A ‘nice’ man saw I was upset and told me how sorry he was.” Still shocked and angry about being kicked out the house, so “that I didn’t care any more . . . I sold myself for $35.”

Thus Shelley entered the “glamorous” life of prostitution, but the money, jewelry, and gifts soon included bizarre sex with strangers who stalked her, slashed her tires, and threatened to kill her if she demurred from performing certain sex acts. One man tried to kill her with his truck, and she often had to lie her way out of frightening situations. During her eight years as a prostitute and exotic dancer, she had two miscarriages and one birth. Little Tiffany grew up living “with a lewd wild woman.”

Now a single mom, “Jesus kept tugging at my heart,” Shelley writes, “but I ignored him. I figured, God wasn’t taking care of me, so I had to do whatever I could to survive.”

Most of her prostitution money went for drugs and alcohol to blot out the trauma of her life. To avoid the rapes and arrests for prostitution, she turned to pornography because “it seemed safer and more legal.” However, even prostitution did not involve the brutal kinds of rape and degradation that she endured while “starring” in pornography. Soon she was required to do very hardcore scenes.

[O]nly more drugs and alcohol could get me through them. . . . I sold what was left of my heart, mind and femininity to the porn industry and the woman and person in me died completely on the porn set.” After becoming infected with herpes, I quietly left the porn industry but went back to prostitution to survive.

The Rescue

In 1994 Shelley met her husband Garrett at a bar. At first she refused his requests for a date, but when she finally accepted and the two went out, they became instant friends. Garret was raised in a Christian home and had attended a Christian school. He wanted to rescue Shelley. She says, “He was a friend to a prostitute, just like Jesus. We knew God was working in our lives, so we turned back to Jesus and got married on February 14, 1995.”

It was a rough marriage, but Shelley says God sent them to a church called Champions Centre in Tacoma, Washington, where they learned “to live a champion life.”

With God, I had true forgiveness from all my sins and a chance to grow into a whole new person without being perfect first. That was a relief! I learned that God loved me unconditionally, regardless of my past, and even had a plan for my future. God had a plan for my life? It was like someone turned the light on for me.

Shelley says she “practiced God’s principles in everything I did.” She learned web design and operated her own web design business for four years. She also attended college and got a bachelor’s degree in theology and counseling. She had walked into Champions Centre “broken and shattered,” she says. Eight years later, she was a

Champion woman healed and excited to live life! God restored me from drugs, alcohol addiction, painful memories, mental illness, sexual addiction, sexual trauma, and the guilt and shame from my past. . . . He also restored my femininity and healed my sexuality, which is a major miracle for me.

Shelley reports herself cured not only of herpes but also of cervical cancer. In addition, she says, “God also healed our marriage in a remarkable way. Garrett and I have a beautiful and loving relationship and are best friends!” Their “three beautiful daughters are being raised as Champions,” and, says Shelley, her daughter Tiffany has forgiven her and “allows me to be a mother to her.”

The Ministry

As a child, Shelley had dreamed of being a preacher. Having received her bachelor’s of theology degree, she is indeed a preacher now, sharing her testimony of transformation and rescue out of drugs, porn, and prostitution “by the power of Jesus Christ.” Her website says:

Now happily married to Garrett, her husband, and the mother of three daughters, Shelley takes a message of transformation against-all-odds to prisons, TV, radio, film, conferences and rescue missions. She has been a guest on talk shows such as Dr. Phil, Michael Reagan and most recently, FOXNews. Her message is one of exposing the $57 billion porn industry for what it is—full of lies and deceit, addiction and broken lives. Shelley maintains that women who turn to the industry to make money “probably didn’t grow up in healthy childhoods.

“Almost all pornography performers were sexually assaulted as children,” she says, but hide their broken hearts. “That would kill the fantasy, now wouldn’t it?” She told Chris Hedges:

Porn is like any other addiction. . . . First, you are curious. Then you need harder and harder drugs to get off. You need gang bangs and bestiality and child porn. Porn gets grosser and grosser. . . . And meanwhile the addicts make their wives feel like they can’t live up to the illusion of the porn star. . . . He wants what isn’t real. Porn destroys intimacy.

She says, “God now sends me out to proclaim to the world the reality of his awesome love. I also want everyone to know that whatever God did for me, he will do for you. He’ll do this because he loves you and sent his Son Jesus in order to give you a whole new life.”

Shelley tells the women she rescues that God has a plan for their lives and that they “were made for greater things.” Her website offers the real stories of these women, and includes a tragic Dead Porn Stars Memorial.

Shelley’s story is indeed inspirational. “All I wanted was a normal life. Then I discovered the truth. Sure enough, I finally found the life I always wanted.”

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, affair, Affairs, alcohol, alcoholic, anonymous sex partners, call girls, castimonia, christian, escorts, father wound, gratification, healing, human trafficking, Intimacy, lust, masturbation, porn, porn star, pornography, pornstar, pornstars, prostitute, prostitutes, ptsd, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sex partners, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual impurity, sexual purity, Shelley Lubben, spouses, STD, strippers, trafficking, trauma

August 9, 2013 By Castimonia

Former Porn Star J***** J****s’ Story

The next few posts on Castimonia.org will focus on former female pornstars that have come forward to burst the fantasy bubble and expose the harsh reality of the pornography industry.  I urge everyone who reads this NOT to go searching on the internet for more information on these women as it would most likely bring up old ponographic content and constitute acting out.  Be satisfied about what you read here and praise God for delivering these women from the bondage of the pornography industry. 

Former Porn Star J***** J*****’ Story
by shelleylubben| Fri, 11/20/2009 – 10:05pm

Hi, my name is A**** AKA J***** J*****. I was involved in the porn industry for a short period of time. Let me tell you something, it’s not anything great, that’s for sure. I hurt people who loved me when I did that raunchy stuff. I was fooled by dollar signs and false illusion. I was gullible enough to believe that it wouldn’t hurt me. Now, I pay the consequences of what I have done.

Before I ever did this stuff I was an average girl. I was definitely a little different in some ways but for the most part I was pretty average. Well, I’ve made some pretty poor choices in my life. I take full responsibility for each one. I’ve seen a side of the world that nobody would want to see. It’s evil, dark and very manipulative.

People in the porn industry are numb to real life and are like zombies walking around doing what they have become so accustomed to. It’s really sad. It’s really painful to see. You have no idea how badly their feelings have been hurt. The abuse that goes on in this industry is completely ridiculous. The way these young ladies are treated is totally sick and brainwashing. I left due to the trauma I experienced even through that short time. The industry forgets that these little girls are human and no human on earth deserves to be abused such as they are.

I just really wanted to justify myself to those who have no idea what goes on in the porn industry or inside the minds of these young jaded girls. Most of us didn’t dream of becoming porn stars, we some how fell into it. Some of us believed once you’re in, there is no way out. WRONG. I got out. I will never go back! What does not kill me will make me stronger. God will never let me down, even during the worst of times.

I am so thankful to have been brought back to God through all this. My one and only God! He feels the void inside my heart and the empty space deep inside my soul with unfailing love and never ending mercy. He is the one and only solution to our lives. I am grateful for each and every single day because I have Jesus Christ by my side. He has given me so much hope and I am more than 110% positive that through Jesus Christ all things are possible!

When it comes to life, its how you handle the circumstances you’ve been put under and what you choose to do about it that makes you who are today. I have decided to not let the past break me but instead to make me even better than I would have been before. I would like to thank the Pink Cross for the amazing support they have shown and given me. Without the Pink Cross, I would not be able to share my story or come clean like this. I love the Pink Cross and everything they are doing to stop the porn industry, as it really does kill the souls of the people who enter. Thank you so much Shelley. God has really used your past to give us hope and through him, to help save us.

I would like to thank God for putting Shelley and the Pink Cross together to help save the lives and put an end to the abuse of the wicked porn industry. Thank you Pink Cross. I am truly thankful.

I also wanted to acknowledge the hard times I put other people around me through. I am sorry. You didn’t deserve to be hurt like that. I wish you all the best. You know who I am talking to.

A**** AKA J***** J*****

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, affair, Affairs, anonymous sex partners, call girls, castimonia, christian, escorts, gratification, healing, human trafficking, Intimacy, Jessie, Jessie Jewels, Jewels, lust, masturbation, porn, porn industry, porn star, pornography, pornstar, pornstars, prostitute, prostitutes, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sex partners, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual impurity, sexual purity, Shelley Lubben, spouses, STD, strippers, trafficking, trauma

August 3, 2013 By Castimonia

Ex Porn Star C***** T*****’s Story

The next few posts on Castimonia.org will focus on former female pornstars that have come forward to burst the fantasy bubble and expose the harsh reality of the pornography industry.  I urge everyone who reads this NOT to go searching on the internet for more information on these women as it would most likely bring up old ponographic content and constitute acting out.  Be satisfied about what you read here and praise God for delivering these women from the bondage of the pornography industry. 

Ex Porn Star C***** T***** Story
by shelleylubben| Mon, 10/10/2011 – 3:51pm

Former porn star V******* speaks out on her career in porn and the permanent damage it has caused her. V******* was active in the porn industry from 2003-2004 and did about 60 hardcore films. She is now on a mission to speak out about the harms of pornography.

SL: How were you first introduced to the sex industry?

V:  Through a girlfriend I had who stripped.

SL: What did you think the sex industry could offer you?

V:  Glamour and a sense of purpose with men. I wanted attention like my girlfriends received in high school. I was looked over for most of the part. I wasn’t the homecoming queen.

SL: Tell us about your first experience with the porn world.

V:  I won a contest in a Hustler magazine that I entered almost as a joke and suddenly I was off to LA. Someone who worked with Hustler set me up with Derrick Hey with LA Direct Models and I moved into his house along with other porn stars. His house was so full that he moved one of the girls into a closet. Every porn star had to pay $700 a month to stay with him.

SL: Did you feel pressured by pornographers to do sex acts you wouldn’t have done before porn?

V:  Yes. I swore I would never do anal and or interracial porn. I am not a racist but I don’t sleep with black men in my personal life and I don’t do anal. Just stomach turning…

SL: Which sex acts were you coerced into doing?

V:  I finally broken down after being pressured and did anal and a scene with a black guy.

SL: Who was your agent? Were you pressured to do sex acts you didn’t agree to?

V: D****** H** with LA Direct Models was my agent and he pressured me to do anal. He even booked me to do an anal with him so I packed up my bags and left his house.

SL: What was your worst experience in porn?

V:  When I did a scene for Red Light District, V**** V**** gave me a ride to the set and he asked me for “(triggering sexual reference removed)”. He called me a whore and told me I had to do it. So I did. When I arrived to the set I expected to do a vaginal girl boy scene. But during the scene with male porn star E*** E*******, he forced himself anally into me and would not stop. I yelled at him to stop and screamed no over and over but he would not stop. The pain became too much and I was in shock and my body went limp. I couldn’t fight him off anymore. After the scene, they wouldn’t give me a ride home. I called a taxi and went to a medical clinic to check me out due to the severe pain I was in. A day later I received a phone call from V**** to keep my mouth shut about the rape. He threatened me that I didn’t know who I was messing with and that his edited footage of what happened would prove me a liar. When I went to Red Light District to get my check, I was only paid for vaginal, not the anal rape. The anal scene was so traumatizing that I hid out for six weeks.

SL: Were you offered drugs and alcohol?

V:  I did not do any drugs… I don’t use alcohol. I performed sober. I was never around drugs and only around alcohol at parties. I rarely attended those. I didn’t do any of it before getting into the industry and I never had a desire to use drugs and alcohol regardless. Thank God. He watched over me in that respect.

SL: Did you feel pressured to change your looks?

V:  Yes… incredibly. And it became an obsession to always measure up and now I am lost in myself trying to measure up to who I think I could have been. Very emotionally disturbing actually.

SL:  Describe any abuse you saw going on during a porn production.

V: I can only say that a lot of men in that industry don’t like women to begin with. I am not saying all of them don’t but a lot don’t and they could care less about the level of degradation they place on women.

SL: What is your experience with STDs?

V:  By the grace of God I didn’t catch an STD… I tested regularly through AIM, however, when a performer I worked with caught an STD, I was given a pill to prevent me from getting sick.

SL:  Do you feel you were educated by the porn industry about STDs?

V: I feel that they have a way of making you feel like a sex soldier and that you are exempt of the true risk that exists of contracting HIV. It was the last thought that crossed my mind when I worked. I know of someone who contracted it during the last outbreak. It is heartbreaking. I would love to see nothing more than the industry protecting the performers’ lives and mandating condoms. They can use clear ones and protect lives. The pornographers aren’t the victims when it comes to the STDS. The performers are.

SL:   Were you educated about your rights as an employee to a safe and healthful workplace?

V:  Absolutely not.

SL:  Describe your work environment. Did you feel it was a safe and healthful workplace?

V:  I was under the illusion that porn was safe until someone I met contracted HIV and it hit me that it could have been me at any given time and that we are not sex soldiers and not exempt from the perils and pitfalls that could happen as a result of unprotected sex.

SL:  Were you afraid you would catch STDS or HIV?

V: Not at the time because I was told I would be kept safe. I actually thought Sharon Mitchell was doing the best she could to protect performers. But at the same time there are NO guarantees that you will be spared from STDs or contracting HIV and that it can be you getting the positive test result at any time in an industry that allows for unprotected sex.

SL: V*******, did you ever enjoy making porn?

V: I only enjoyed the opportunities that arose such as appearing on the Howard Stern show. I never had an orgasm. I only acted. It was a big act. And the act got uglier with being raped by Red Light district. I don’t even like sex anymore because I can’t find someone that doesn’t abuse me on one level or another and they think it’s ok because I was a porn star and that their abuse is justified. No abuse is justified.

SL:   How did you get out of porn?

V: The very last scene I shot with Evil Angel and it was an interracial scene. I didn’t want to do it but after the anal scene, I was told I wouldn’t work again after V****’s threats and lies so I really had no choice. I did the scene with the black male porn star on a Thursday and the director tried to book me again on Monday with the same performer. I ended up getting on a plane going back home because I had enough. It was truly God watching over me because I learned that the male performer worked with someone who was on the first generation watch list for the HIV outbreak that occurred the day before that scene was booked. That’s how close I was to HIV. I cried my eyes out.

SL:  How are you treated now that you are out of porn?

V: I am treated absolutely horrific!!! Porn has left a permanent stain on my life. I have been harassed by boyfriends because of my porn past. I am discriminated against in my community when applying for jobs and sometimes on levels that are illegal. I deserve to be happy in life and not harassed by people who are threatened by my past. I also don’t deserve to be slandered, I don’t slander others, I don’t deserve it.

SL:  What message would you give to other aspiring porn stars?

V: I would say that it isn’t all glamour and there may be times that you could find yourself being coerced or violated and that you could contract HIV and you can wind up empty and soul less and alone in life…like me. And that the stigma and finger waving will follow you for the rest of your life. You could spend your life being harassed like I am. It isn’t fun by any means. It’s only made me hateful where I never used to be hateful. I am a product of what can happen to girls. I go to bed alone at night. I don’t have many friends. I never once thought people would act so incredibly sick in the head over my porn past.

SL: What message would you give to men viewing porn?

V: That women are NOT objects and we don’t want to have our insides pounded out and we don’t want to be degraded and that we are real people with real hearts and real personalities. It’s sick that porn viewers want to watch women being violated. The people I know who are obsessed with sex and porn and orgies are Lawyers Doctors Dentists and Judges, the people in position who society thinks so much of while they secretly get off to violent and degrading porn. These are the people who need to seek treatment and the ones that society are programmed to think so highly of. I know a dentist who has a porn collection and him and his wife take their office staff to Mexico and they have orgies. They tried to brand me a prostitute because I made porn when they are the hypocrites with the sexual addiction and even bully their office staff into sexual acts because of their sexual and porn addiction. This is the kind of thing that happens in the real world. Porn addiction is real and it damages lives.

SL: Thank you V******* for being honest and so courageous to share your story and experience in porn. I know it wasn’t easy but I am sure you will help many people learn the truth about porn and the damage it forever causes in the lives of women who work in porn. We are blessed to have you join with Pink Cross Foundation in the war against porn. May God continue to watch over you and bless you for standing for truth.

Call to Action to the readers: Please stop viewing porn and stop contributing to damaging women’s lives. Please instead pray fervently for the women who are abused in porn that God would heal their lives and do above and beyond all they could ask or think (Ephesians 3:20).

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, Affairs, alcohol, alcoholic, anonymous sex partners, call girls, castimonia, christian, Corina Taylor, escorts, father wound, gratification, healing, human trafficking, Intimacy, lust, masturbation, porn, porn star, pornography, pornstar, pornstars, prostitutes, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sex partners, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual impurity, sexual purity, Shelley Lubben, spouses, STD, strippers, trauma

July 31, 2013 By Castimonia

Porn Star E******** R******s’ Story

The next few posts on Castimonia.org will focus on former female pornstars that have come forward to burst the fantasy bubble and expose the harsh reality of the pornography industry.  I urge everyone who reads this NOT to go searching on the internet for more information on these women as it would most likely bring up old ponographic content and constitute acting out.  Be satisfied about what you read here and praise God for delivering these women from the bondage of the pornography industry. 

Porn Star E******** R******* Story
by S****** L*****| Mon, 01/31/2011 – 10:10pm

I lay there [graphic description removed].  Disgusted, sore, defiled and void of all emotions, a part of me died that day; my soul was shredded and separated among the twenty five men who I just sold my body for.

My journey into the porn industry was justified by my desperate need to feed my three children. I was a destitute single mother who would have done anything for my children.    My first porn scene was filmed in Las Vegas in 2006 for Clint and his porn company S********** V***.  It was shot in an apartment. There was no fancy set, no personal changing area, no security, just a rundown, run of the mill hole in the wall.  I was told it was a “test” shoot and that I was lucky to get paid for it, but that if I went through with it, I would gain fame and fortune.  So begrudgingly, I did the scene.    In an hour the abuse was over and I was paid $300. As I was ushered out the door and promised more work, the next victim walked in. As I drove home with a knotted stomach, my only thought was that I had just sold my soul for $300 dollars. I vowed never to do it again and was sure I would never make another movie, but I was wrong.  Eight months later, it was the same situation.

I was in need of money even though I was working full time. The demands of being a single mother with no help from my ex husband was too much to handle. A couple of men I knew had seen my first movie and encouraged me to make more. I relived the trauma over in mind and wanted to cry, but I believed desperate times called for desperate measures.  I wanted the fast money in hopes to cure my stress about finances; little did I realize my stress had only begun.

I posted a profile on ********.com and not even five minutes later I received what seemed like a million phone calls from so called producers and agencies, all with promises of grandeur and instant wealth. I got some weird calls too, men asking me if I would beat them up or sleep with underage boys on camera; I immediately hung up on them.   Having received no formal education about the porn industry, I accepted a “gig” from a producer in Compton, California who ran T**** M**** G****.  I had never been to Compton and didn’t know what to expect, but I needed the money.    When I got to the hotel I was informed that the producer, who looked shabbier than the room, was also the male performer or “talent” and I was to pleasure not only him, but the female companion he brought with him.  I was taken back; I was told it was going to be a boy/girl scene not a boy/girl and then girl/girl scene.  It was double the expected scene for the price of one, but what was I going to do? They knew I was a single Mom and needed the money so they took advantage of me.    Before the scene started the producer told me I needed to show him my ID and sign a model release with legal terms I didn’t understand. Since I was new and uneducated about the ways of porn, I naively thought it was for his tax purposes.  When I asked him if he was going to wear a condom he shoved an AIM’s test in my face and said we would not be using a condom. He never asked me for an STD test or said that one was required of me.

When the abuse was over, I was sore, tired and disgusted with the others and with myself.  The producer paid me half of what he promised to pay me and said the check for the rest would be in the mail. I trusted him because he sounded professional. The check never came.  Within days I began to drink heavily and take pain killers that I had laying around for a previous back injury. I started popping pills, especially when it came time to do a porn movie.

The porn industry offered me drugs, too. I was offered marijuana and alcohol from porn producers and other porn stars and I gladly accepted the drugs and alcohol.  I didn’t want to feel the pain [graphic language removed].

Every scene was at least two hours or more because of the need to do freeze frame pics and get good angles and lighting. I was degraded on camera and had to like it or else no pay!  I was called names [graphic language removed], my weight was consistently used as a form of exploitation and insult. I was actually told not to lose weight or that I would never make it in the biz.    I was also forced into prostitution. Producers lied and sent me to do “privates” for high paying clients that my agent got a nice percentage of.  I wasn’t in control of my life anymore and I completely lost my identity as J** and turned into the demonized character E******** R*******, the porn star.

I sold my soul to the devil without even knowing it. Ironically, I later performed a [graphic language removed] for Devil’s F****.   About six months into the porn lifestyle I was offered my own web site.  A husband and wife team by the name of D**** and D**** who owned their own pay sites had an idea for a BBW network and wanted me to be their top model.  I was promised if I worked tirelessly on my web site that I would gain financial freedom which appealed to me as I did not want to do hardcore scenes anymore.  The guy made a contract convinced me that it was all for my benefit and when I suggested a lawyer read it over, D**** guilt tripped me into signing it because of our so called “friendship” and besides; he promised me he would never keep the site up if we parted ways.    Of course, I fell for it. What drugged up alcoholic and traumatized woman wouldn’t?

It wasn’t long before D**** started propositioning me for sex aside from the website work we did together and telling me if I didn’t have sex with him it would cost me.  He often did this right after a scene, filling his selfish, lustful desires while his wife D**** was downstairs.  He threatened me time after time and said he would financially break me if I didn’t obey.  He wasn’t the only producer to force me to do off camera sex acts.

Prostitution was a form of manipulation producers use to get off and get more scenes out of the women.  But I trusted D****. I thought he cared about me. I never thought he would have done this to me.   One particular producer G****, owner of H******* V****, really loved to use on the side sex as a tool for manipulation, telling me how much he loved me and that I was his number one model and that having sex with him was a sure way to have continued work.  G**** even sponsored a booth for me at LA E***** in 2007, where I was billed as the first BBW to ever have a booth. He was happy to do it as long as I  “gave it up” whenever he demanded. He was nothing more than a glorified pimp. I was assured that having a booth would help me gain more exposure and of course more money. I was nothing more than a puppet on a string.

As time went on and my thoughts of hopelessness and desperation grew, my web designer D**** fed off of it like a plague.  I wanted to die. I wanted to sleep and never wake up. Every day was a good day to drink heavily and ultimately I lost my normal job. I hated myself for being a horrible mother and just like in the beginning of my journey into porn; I was desperate only this time for a way out.    The abuse and pain was so bad that I ended up in the emergency room from a nervous breakdown. My world was a blur and I just wanted to end it all.  But when I told my web designer that I couldn’t do it anymore, all hell broke loose. His threats worsened and of course he refused to take the web site down. In fact, it is still up and I have NOT received any money from it since mid 2007.  I’ve reminded D**** many times of our verbal agreement, but he just laughs in my face and tells me that he has a couple thousand to burn in a courtroom but I on the under hand am broke.

Facing the idea of committing suicide and feeling like I had no hope and not knowing who I was anymore I got on my knees and cried out to God for help.  After a couple hours of tearful praying I went online to look for answers and Googled “porn help” and there she was my own personal guardian angel on earth, S****** L*****.  I immediately contacted S****** and told her my story and it didn’t take her long before she was sending me encouraging words from God, numerous gift cards to help feed me and my children and resources in my area to help aide me in my recovery.  Not only was S****** L***** concerned with the physical and mental well being of me and my family, but she began to mentor me back into the relationship I once knew with Christ Jesus.

As I became close with God again, He began to heal me and one of the ways He did that was using my painful experience to help others. Not long after that day I searched online for help, I was suddenly involved in helping other women who were hurting just like me! Shelley asked me to join her in her outreach to women in porn and in 2008; I went back to the porn industry only this time I was on a powerful mission from God: I was out of the industry and into the ministry!    That year at the *** Las Vegas porn convention, I found true purpose for my life. I knew what I was called to do: to help champion the cause against porn and rescue other women and men trapped in porn.   But the devil was fuming mad with me and wasn’t going to let me get away that easily.

In April of 2008, I felt very ill and reluctantly went to the E.R. Frightened at what it could possibly be; I was diagnosed with Chlamydia and herpes, a non curable sexually transmitted disease.  My whole world came crashing down. I didn’t understand how God could let this happen! I mean, I did the right thing by getting out of the industry and now this? I always thought I was safe by getting tested on a monthly basis for STD’s through AIM(Adult Industry Medicine), but the so called “doctors” at AIM lied to me.   At that moment I had a choice to make. Would I blame God for my STDs and fall back into a pornographic  world of lies or would I accept the fact that these are the consequences for being involved with an illegal and diseased industry.    I made the right choice. I didn’t give up. I cried out to the Lord Jesus Christ and He comforted me and strengthened me to continue to recover and do His great work.

Three years later I’m still volunteering with S****** through the P*** C**** F*********. I have witnessed God do supernatural miracles among those suffering in porn. I myself have been miraculously healed from herpes. It’s been three years and I have not had an outbreak. S****** and the team prayed for me and just like S******, I am herpes-free through the power of Jesus Christ!  I have hugged and loved thousands of people in over 20 porn outreaches in three years. I have heard the heartbreaking stories of women just like me and even the men, sometimes drunk or high, come to our booth for help. Porn fans and porn stars, no matter, they all are searching for love and education. They want to know how we are recovering so strong. They want to feel like they matter and have purpose in this life. They want to be champions in life and Pink Cross reaches out and teaches them how to do it.

Working with S****** and the team has been amazing and I am one of the women who hasn’t given up on her. It has been extremely difficult to face my past over and over again and relive those horrible memories in the middle of a porn convention, but how can I not reach out to my sisters and brothers who are suffering like I was?  I have witnessed a lot in this porn fight. People in porn sometimes think S****** L***** is a liar and using them for money. Of course, they believe the lies of crooked pornographers. The girls we reach out to are often addicted to drugs and alcohol and mix that in with the fact they do not trust anyone, you can imagine what S****** and her family go through on a daily basis trying to reach out to these women.

I have seen S****** suffer and sacrifice in ways unbelievable to help women and men escape porn.  She constantly gives of herself without care to what will happen to her and her family because she truly believes God loves these people and will no longer tolerate the inhumane treatment of beautiful human lives that He created for greatness. S****** always tells the women and men in porn, “You are made for greater things than porn.”  I’m so grateful to God to be alive and even share my testimony with you.

I have performed in over 40 porn films [graphic language removed] over 20 pornographic websites including my own and 3 pornographic magazines.  I want you to know the truth, the porn companies DO NOT care about human value, they do not care if the men and women who perform in porn, God’s children, live or die.  The porn performers are NOTHING but replaceable objects that keep porn companies wealthy while the majority (at least 95%) of porn performers struggle to make ends meet.

Porn is NOT glamorous, this is my story, and this is my truth.  J** M****, formerly known as the dead woman “E******** R*******”  Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. 2 Corinthians 5:17

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, affair, Affairs, anonymous sex partners, call girls, castimonia, christian, Elizabeth Rollings, escorts, father wound, gratification, healing, herpes, human trafficking, Intimacy, lust, masturbation, porn, porn star, pornography, pornstar, pornstars, prostitute, prostitutes, ptsd, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sex partners, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual impurity, sexual purity, Shelley Lubben, spouses, STD, strippers, trauma

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This site is intended for individuals who struggle with maintaining sexual purity. This information is posted for individuals at various stages in their recovery, year 1 to year 30+; what applies to some, may not apply others. Spouses are encouraged to read this blog with the caveat that they may not agree with, understand, or know the reason for some items posted. As always, take what you like and leave the rest.

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