CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Relationships & Porn

By: Nikki Branch

tumblr_m7zy3ngwjs1qjslcgo1_400It seems everywhere I look on forums and blogs; frustrated women are upset because their spouses are watching Internet porn instead of being with them.  This is a legitimate concern and sometimes is a symptom of a pornography addiction but other times shows something else, a deep seeded problem in the relationship.

So what kind of advice are these women getting about their PARTNER’S issue with porn addiction?  “Have you tried going on a diet?” “Why don’t you spice up your love life a little?” “Watch porn WITH him”, or my favorite, “Well, you obviously aren’t satisfying him!”

As a hot-blooded Canadian woman I have to say this APPALLS me.  Since when is it my responsibility to “take care of my man’s needs” when he doesn’t take care of mine (hypothetically speaking)?  If my partner is aware of my discomfort with his viewing preferences and then blames ME for the fact that HE CHOOSES to watch it shows me that there is a lack of respect for our relationship and for me.

“Well, you don’t want to have sex anymore” “well, we never spend time together” “well you don’t give me [triggering language removed] anymore” “well, I’m always working, so I don’t have energy for foreplay”.  Ever hear any of these excuses? That’s what they are. Excuses.  It is my opinion that if you love a person and want to feel intimacy with them you will make it your priority to FIND a way to have enough time, or make that person feel special, or sexy or whatever else they need.

Look, I understand.  It’s a busy world, we have a lot on our plates these days.  Life is fast and its easy to put people aside, even if we love them.  But, don’t put the blame on someone else when the problem is with you. “Ok, so it’s my own fault for not making time, or building intimacy.  What can I do about it now?”  It’s simple. Start small.  Take a walk together holding hands.  Go see a movie and cuddle.  Make out in the back of your car. Stop blaming your partner for not wanting you when you don’t make an effort to show them you care.  It goes both ways ladies and gents.  Simple gestures of intimate touching can make all the difference in the world.

So next time someone tells you, “you should lose weight for your man” or  something equally idiotic tell them, “I already love him, its his turn to love ME now.”

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Like A Ship Without A Rudder

getty_rf_photo_of_man_with_anxiety_in_bedroom“Big boys don’t cry.” “No pain no gain. Tough it out.” “Only sissies get hurt feelings.” “It’s a sign of weakness to let people know you’re hurting.” Men are cautioned to not discuss their feelings, to avoid feelings altogether and to not discuss love, sorrow or pain. Men will often make a joke out of a difficult situation rather than face it directly. Men are taught to be checked out toward the emotions of others, and keep their true feelings inside. All this is not to say that men are incapable of intimacy, dependency or vulnerability. They are quite able but our culture does not support it. One of the main reasons for drug and alcohol  use (and sexually acting out) is for medicating pain and that would include emotional pain. Men, who feel bottled up, sad, angry and depressed will often become workaholics, (sex addicts), drink or do drugs to avoid feelings. For men to understand how to be intimate they must first learn more about who they are, what they want and what is truly important to them. Feelings tell us what we want and what we need so without them we are like a ship without a rudder. So many men lead lives of quiet desperation, never letting anyone in or themselves out. For men to take a look at who they really are and allow their essence to be known are actually far stronger than the burly silent types who live their lives in utter isolation. Taken from an on-line article by Bill Cloke http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-good-life-why-men-have-trouble-with-intimacy/

“Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.” – Sigmund Freud

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To Know You

Posted by Alex on April 25, 2013

For one so unfaithful,
You do love a lot.
Out of my idolatrous heart came desire which birthed my transgressions.
Soon there was only death.
I walked in death for what seemed a lifetime.
I no longer had the strength to exist.
I cried out, not knowing who would answer.
And there you were, waiting to pick me up.
You spread out your arms to show me grace and the abounding love you have for me.
You love me so much you sacrificed your Son to be beaten, disgraced, and mocked.
He would eventually hang on a tree and become a curse for me.
All so that I could know you.
For one so unfaithful,
You do love a lot.

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21 Things Pastors Need To Know About Porn

Originally posted at:http://www.pornfreedomnow.com/2012/05/21-things-pastors-need-to-know-about.html

stlouismag_mh_porn_dribbble

Here some thoughts on what Pastors (and you, too) need to know about pornography.

  • It’s sin. It’s lust. Lust is sin. It’s mental adultery.
  • It’s everywhere. Half the men in your church are likely exposed to it every week, and some of the women too.
  • It’s a ruthless slave driver and traps people in shame and secrecy.
  • NOT talking about it with your people does NOT help them.
  • The porn industry is a dark and twisted place, filled with people with souls whom God deeply loves.
  • People who act in pornographic films are people whom God loves.
  • People who produce pornography are people whom God loves.
  • It does NOT encourage more intimacy in marriage – on the contrary, it destroys it.
  • It is NOT victimless. Broken marriages and shattered lives are all around us as evidence.
  • The internet has exploded the number of porn addicts, offering the three deadly “A’s,” making porn accessible, affordable, and anonymous.
  • Pornography is a drug. It triggers chemicals in the brain that create addictions. It offers a temporary high, followed by a crash into guilt and shame. And one kind of pornography is almost always a gateway into something worse.
  • The younger you are when first exposed, the more susceptible you are to addiction as an adult.
  • Pornography WILL cause you to treat people (especially women) like objects and not living souls.
  • Pornography WILL harden your heart.
  • There is hope.
  • Consumers and producers of pornography can find forgiveness of sin in the blood of Jesus and be made righteous and pure by the saving power of God.
  • Those trapped in pornography addictions can be forgiven of what they’ve entertained themselves with.
  • Breaking the cycle is possible, but extremely difficult, as with any addiction.
  • The cover-up is always worse than the crime.
  • The cost of recovery is high, but the cost of not recovering is much higher.
  • You need help. You need help and accountability, without question.

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Why I am able to heal from infidelity!

Originally posted: http://huperecho.wordpress.com/2013/04/06/why-i-am-able-to-heal-from-infidelity

Jesus Culture Your Love Never Fails lyrics

Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never failsI know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails

Chorus:
You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning

And when the oceans rage
I don’t have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

Verse 2:
The wind is strong and the water’s deep
But I’m not alone here in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails

The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I’d reach the other side
But Your love never fails

Bridge:
You make all things work together for my good

One of my favorite scriptures is from Romans 8:28 28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. I can heal because I have hope and faith that God keeps his word. He didn’t say some things he said ALL things.

I could rephrase this and say And we know that in infidelity God works for the good of those who love him…………………………I started this new bible study in our new church and it’s on hope. Coincidence? I don’t think so. If I didn’t have hope that this will work out for good I wouldn’t have been able to heal the way I am. You see my hope isn’t in my husband, it’s in my God. Even though I do hope my husband will change and continue changing as we are living together so there has to be work in making this marriage work, my final answer is always going to God.

I can forgive because God tells me to. Even if we didn’t stay together I still would have forgiven him. I preached this scripture over and over and over and what do you know now I get the chance to live out what I believe. I know that with or without him I would make it. In fact it would have been a whole lot easier for me to walk away but I would miss what God was going to do with this. I am always living in expectation that God is going to meet my needs even if my husband doesn’t. I think that’s why I stayed in such a bad marriage. I always HOPED  it would change but even in my darkest nights I was still pursuing God. The best years of my walk with God were while my husband was cheating …go figure.

I believe that although there was pain in the night that joy comes in the morning. I always live with such great expectation of what God can do. Even when I am triggered I still can make a choice to sit in the pain or deal with it and let the joy come. I want the joy more then I want the pain. I don ‘t plan the triggers or plan for them. I just take one day at a time now. I will still grieve my losses but I also believe God will restore what the “locusts have eaten”.

This is one of my favorite passages especially the highlighted portion.

Psalm 84

1 How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord of Heaven’s Armies. 2 I long, yes, I faint with longing to enter the courts of the Lord. With my whole being, body and soul, I will shout joyfully to the living God. 3 Even the sparrow finds a home, and the swallow builds her nest and raises her young at a place near your altar, O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, my King and my God! 4 What joy for those who can live in your house, always singing your praises. Interlude

5 What joy for those whose strength comes from the Lord,     who have set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. (I’ve read that in today’s terms Jerusalem can be any place we meet with God) 6 When they walk through the Valley of Weeping,     it will become a place of refreshing springs.     The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings. (God is pouring his blessings into my life right now.) 7 They will continue to grow stronger, (Every day I find myself growing stronger, and my love for my husband is stronger too. )

    and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem. (I sense his presence with me. When I am livestreaming IHOPKC.ORG through my phone on my TV I feel such a lift in my spirit. When I am praying or sitting in the prayer room or reading my bible, he speaks to me through his word. When I am hurting I feel him holding me and telling me to keep trusting him. When I’m out working in my garden or yard and see the beauty around me I see his handwriting all over it. )

This may sound crazy but all I can say is that it’s working and I am healing from infidelity.