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One Simple Thing You Can do to Protect Your Marriage

Originally posted at: https://drlorischade.wordpress.com/2016/07/22/one-simple-thing-you-can-do-to-protect-your-marriage/

I was on a hike with another couple a few nights ago, and the husband asked me to identify the number one thing I would tell people to keep their marriages strong.  I’m not usually asked to reduce marital tips down to one dimension, but I was intrigued by the challenge.  I thought for a minute and realized I had a definite answer, informed by the cases I have had over the last 5 years.

“I would say,” I replied, “To realize that when you are texting someone, you are in essence entering a private room with that person.”  I’m expanding on the image here.  The room has no windows.  The social response is in real time, so it is as if you are right next to the person having an actual conversation.  If you text daily, you are entering that room daily.  If you text on and off all day long, you are in that room most of the day.  Everyday.

I see a lot of infidelity cases.  One hundred percent of them in the last few years have all developed through texting.  In most cases, a romantic interest did not precede the texting relationship.  Most of them started in a benign way between co-workers, church members working together on projects, neighbors and best friends of the couple.  Here’s the typical developmental course (IMHO):

  1. Begin texting to communicate practical information.
  2. Increase frequency of texting, still to communicate practical information.
  3. Add a joke to your text, making it more conversational in nature.
  4. Get a response to your joke, and continue the playful banter.
  5. Feel a positive chemical boost after a text exchange.
  6. Find yourself checking your phone to see if the person texted.
  7. Realize that you are starting to look forward to getting texts from that person.
  8. Tell yourself that since you aren’t seeing that person face-to-face, you are fine and not being disloyal to your spouse.
  9. Increase casual and playful texting.
  10. Shift from playful banter to deeper emotional disclosures.
  11. Experience an increase in the euphoric chemical boost.
  12. Find yourself hiding your phone from your spouse, because you don’t want the texts to be “misinterpreted.”  (ALERT: Tipping Point)
  13. Continue to tell yourself that nothing is going to happen, because you still aren’t in this person’s physical presence, so you are still in control.
  14. Realize you have an emotional yearning for this individual.
  15. As you increase the need to hide your texts, begin to see your spouse as the enemy.
  16. Find yourself disconnecting from your spouse to find a place to text this person more often and privately.
  17. Hide more.
  18. Declare your deepest feelings and yearnings for this person and plan to meet in a private location.
  19. Engage in physical affection.
  20. Bam!
  21. Feel as if you have “fallen,” in love with this person and want him/her more than your spouse.
  22. Tell yourself this is your true love connection…otherwise you wouldn’t have “fallen,” in love, and you wouldn’t have these feelings.
  23. See your spouse as the one thing standing between you and true love and happiness.
  24. Destabilize your family.
  25. Make an appointment with [a therapist].

This may sound harsh to some readers…definitely to those who see themselves somewhere on this continuum.  I’m not changing my story.  If you would not repeatedly enter a private room with someone without a window where someone can see in, frequently enough that you start to share feelings with someone that you wouldn’t share with your spouse, don’t do it on a cell phone.

Here’s one more thing that should not surprise you:  If your texting partner is an old boyfriend or girlfriend, you can expect to immediately resurrect the same emotions you felt when you were dating that person.  You will exaggerate all the good memories you had and minimize the negative memories you had from that relationship.  That’s not unique.  Your texting affair is not unique, and the effect is as if you are on drugs.  I’ve written this before, and I stand by it.

Lastly, realize that no matter how great you think your marriage is, this can happen to you.  It is the failure to be watchful and set boundaries that gets people into trouble.  If you think you could never end up having an affair, you’re kidding yourself—FWIW.

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Does Forgiveness Mean Instant Trust?

SOURCE:  Leslie Vernick

Can I Trust You?

Sometimes the burden to trust again has been unfairly placed upon the shoulders of the betrayed person and linked with forgiveness. The thinking goes like this: if you forgive me, then what happened between us is in the past. We don’t need to discuss this anymore and trust should be automatically restored.

But that’s not true.

We can genuinely forgive someone and still not trust him (or her).

Forgiveness is something we do because God calls us to do it, not necessarily because someone is sorry, repentant, or is genuinely interested in rebuilding trust. However, reconciliation of the relationship, including trusting again, requires forgiveness but not just forgiveness. It also requires the one who broke trust to show genuine repentance as well as make efforts to rebuild broken trust.

Typically we think of broken trust, especially in marriage, only in the sexual realm. However below are three additional areas where trust can be broken and must be rebuilt if a relationship is to be restored.

1.  Authenticity: People immediately mistrust someone who feels false. When you are married to someone, work with someone, or are close to someone who has one persona in public and another in private, you intuitively do not trust him, even when you have no specific reason not to. You don’t trust his public persona (i.e. great guy), because you also bear witness to his or her hypocrisy elsewhere. This person’s core self is not authentic and therefore he cannot or should not be trusted.

To rebuild trust with someone who has been inauthentic requires him or her to acknowledge his or her false image and learn to be more real. In most instances a person who has a double self will not acknowledge it nor do they typically change. When confronted, they just get more devious.

2. Reliability: When we are in relationship with someone, personal or professional, we want to know whether we can count on that person to do what he says he will do. Or, likewise, can I trust that he will stop doing the things that he says he will stop doing?

In rebuilding broken trust with someone who has a track record of unreliability, we must look at what the person does, not what the person says that he or she will do. For example, does he say he will put filters on his computer but never does? Does she say she will stop drinking, or spending money on the credit card but does nothing? Does he say he wants restoration of the marriage but won’t go to counseling or do any work towards that end? Does she tell you she will make more efforts to call you and reach out to you in order to have a more mutual relationship but her promises don’t turn into real phone calls?

Proverbs 25:19 says, “Putting confidence in an unreliable person in times of trouble is like chewing with a broken tooth or walking on a lame foot.” It’s foolish.

John Mark was someone who was not reliable and as a result, lost the apostle Paul’s trust (See Acts 15). Later on we see that trust was restored, not because Paul gave him trust, but because John Mark proved he was reliable and Paul’s trust was restored (2 Timothy 4). In the same way, building consistent reliability into our character rebuilds broken trust, not empty promises.

3. Care: In our closest relationships we ask ourselves: can I trust that you care for my good? My well-being?  When I share my thoughts and feelings do you hear me? Value me? Protect me? Or is there mocking, contempt, avoidance, or indifference? Proverbs 31:11,12 says, “The heart of her husband trusts in her.” Why?  Because, “He trusts her to do him good not harm all the days of his life.”

One of the foundations of relational trust is that love does not intentionally harm the other (Romans 13:10).  And, if in weakness and sin there is harm, every effort is made to make amends and not repeat that harm.

A destructive person does not want to hear the other person’s grievances against him. It’s true; it does hurt our feelings (and pride) to hear how we have hurt someone. It takes effort to listen and care about the other person’s feelings when you have broken her trust. Yet without consistent compassion, empathy, and care for the other, rebuilding trust is not possible. And if we don’t trust that someone cares for our well being, a close relationship with that person is not possible.

Rebuilding broken trust takes time and specific evidence of change, not merely words or promises of change.  

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A Few Research-Based FACTS About Pornography – Sex and Relationship Healing

If you search the internet for information about porn and its effects, you’re going to find a whole lot of opinions. Unfortunately, hardly any of those opinions will be based on verifiable information. This can be frustrating to those interested in the truth (as opposed to grandstanding and fear-mongering). Recognizing this, we have collected the latest research about pornography, presenting it below so those who are interested in the truth can know it.

How much porn is out there? A lot.

  • There are more than 2.5 million porn websites.[i]
  • Approximately 12% of all websites offer pornographic content.[ii]
  • The preceding numbers do not consider erotic content on social media, dating and hookup websites/apps, video chat services, etc.

Who is looking at porn? Men, women, and children.

  • A study of 434 adult men found that 99% of study participants looked at porn at least occasionally.[iii]
  • Research conducted in 2017 by PornHub.com (one of the world’s largest porn providers) found a 359% increase in “porn for women” searches.[iv]
  • Porn use among adolescent boys is ubiquitous. When a Canadian researcher tried to study the effects of porn usage on young males, he couldn’t, because he was unable to find any potential study participants who weren’t already looking at porn. No control group = no experiment.[v]
  • Research tells us that that nearly all boys and most girls use porn, though boys tend to look at it earlier and view it more often.[vi]
  • In a study of 16-year-old Swedish boys, 96% admitted they were porn users, with 10% saying they looked at porn every day. Importantly, approximately 1/3 of the daily users said they sometimes watched more porn than they wanted—a common indicator of porn addiction.[vii]
  • Current estimates place the average age of first porn use at 11.[viii]

Why do people look at porn, and does that matter? Motivations for porn use vary widely, and they often overlap. And yes, those reasons do matter.

  • One study found that porn users go online for a variety of reasons: sexual satisfaction (94.4%), to feel arousal (87.2%), to achieve orgasm (86.5%), to alleviate stress (73.8%), to relieve boredom (70.8%), to forget daily problems (53%), to deal with loneliness (44.9%), and to fight depression (38.1%).[ix]
  • Research shows that people who use porn primarily to self-soothe and self-regulate their emotions are significantly more likely to experience problems (like porn addiction) than people who go online primarily to find sexual satisfaction, achieve arousal, and experience orgasm.[x]

How much porn are people looking at? Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot.

  • One study found that adult male porn users spend an average of 3 hours per week with porn, with answers ranging from 5 minutes per week to 33 hours per week.[xi]
  • A study analyzing more than 400 million worldwide internet searches (representing more than 2 million users) found that approximately 13% of all internet searches are looking for porn.[xii]
  • Approximately 35% of all internet downloads are pornographic in nature.[xiii]
  • Research suggests that porn addicts typically spend at least 11 or 12 hours per week using pornography, with many devoting double or even triple that amount of time to porn.[xiv]

Is there a downside to porn? For some people, yes.

  • Porn use is correlated with decreased marital satisfaction in both the short-term and long-term. This link is stronger with male porn use than with female porn use.[xv]
  • Porn use almost doubles the likelihood of getting divorced in the next four years, increasing the probability from 6% to 11%.[xvi]
  • Heavy porn use among boys is correlated with higher levels of risky sexual behaviors, truancy, relationship problems, smoking, drinking, and illicit drug use.[xvii]
  • Not all porn users feel good about their behavior. One study found that 61.7% felt shame about their porn use, 49% searched for sexual content that did not previously interest them or that they considered disgusting, and 27.6% self-assessed their porn use as problematic.[xviii]
  • Research consistently shows that sex/porn addicts often struggle with real-world sexuality, with the most common issues being porn-induced erectile dysfunction (PIED), delayed ejaculation, and anorgasmia (inability to reach orgasm).[xix] One study of 350 sex/porn addicts found that 26.7% report issues with sexual dysfunction.[xx] A more recent study of sex/porn addicts identified sexual dysfunction in 58% of test subjects.[xxi] An even more recent study of adult men found that approximately 28% of participants self-assessed their porn use as problematic, with PIED listed as a primary consequence.[xxii]

[i] Ogas, O. & Gaddam, S. (2012). A billion wicked thoughts: What the Internet tells us about sexual relationships, p 8. New York, NY: Plume.

[ii] Damania, D. (2014). “Internet pornography statistics,” thedinfographics.com/2011/12/23/internet-pornography-statistics/, accessed May 28, 2014.

[iii] Wéry, A., & Billieux, J. (2016). Online sexual activities: An exploratory study of problematic and non-problematic usage patterns in a sample of men. Computers in Human Behavior, 56, 257-266.

[v] Liew, J. (2009). All men watch porn, scientists find. The Telegraph. Retrieved Jan 16, 2015 from telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/6709646/All-men-watch-porn-scientists-find.html.

[vi] Sabina, C., Wolak, J., & Finkelhor, D. (2008). The nature and dynamics of Internet pornography exposure for youth. CyberPsychology & Behavior, 11(6), 691-693.

[vii] Mattebo, M., Tyden, T., Haggstrom-Nordin, E., Nilsson, K.S., & Larsson M. (2013). Pornography consumption, sexual experiences, lifestyles, and self-rated health among male adolescents in Sweden. Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics 34(7):460-468.

[viii] Wolak, J., Mitchell, K., & Finkelhor, D. (2007). Unwanted and wanted exposure to online pornography in a national sample of youth Internet users. Pediatrics, 119(2), 247-257.

[ix] Wéry, A., & Billieux, J. (2016). Online sexual activities: An exploratory study of problematic and non-problematic usage patterns in a sample of men. Computers in Human Behavior, 56, 257-266.

[x] Wéry, A., & Billieux, J. (2016). Online sexual activities: An exploratory study of problematic and non-problematic usage patterns in a sample of men. Computers in Human Behavior, 56, 257-266.

[xi] Wéry, A., & Billieux, J. (2016). Online sexual activities: An exploratory study of problematic and non-problematic usage patterns in a sample of men. Computers in Human Behavior, 56, 257-266.

[xii] Ogas, O. & Gaddam, S. (2012). A billion wicked thoughts: What the Internet tells us about sexual relationships, p 15. New York, NY: Plume.

[xiii] Damania, D. (2014). “Internet pornography statistics,” thedinfographics.com/2011/12/23/internet-pornography-statistics/, accessed May 28, 2014.

[xiv] Cooper, A. Putnam D.E., Planchon, A. & Boies, S.C. (1999). Online Sexual Compulsivity: Getting Tangled in the Net. Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity 6(2):79–104.

[xv] Perry, S. L. (2017). Does viewing pornography reduce marital quality over time? Evidence from longitudinal data. Archives of sexual behavior, 46(2), 549-559.

[xvi] Perry, S. L. (2017). Does viewing pornography reduce marital quality over time? Evidence from longitudinal data. Archives of sexual behavior, 46(2), 549-559.

[xvii] Mattebo, M., Tyden, T., Haggstrom-Nordin, E., Nilsson, K.S., & Larsson M. (2013). Pornography consumption, sexual experiences, lifestyles, and self-rated health among male adolescents in Sweden. Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics 34(7):460-468.

[xviii] Wéry, A., & Billieux, J. (2016). Online sexual activities: An exploratory study of problematic and non-problematic usage patterns in a sample of men. Computers in Human Behavior, 56, 257-266.

[xix] Rosenberg, K. P., Carnes, P., & O’Connor, S. (2014). Evaluation and treatment of sex addiction. Journal of sex & marital therapy, 40(2), 77-91.

[xx] Hall, P. (2012). Understanding and treating sex addiction: A comprehensive guide for people who struggle with sex addiction and those who want to help them. Routledge.

[xxi] Voon, V., Mole, T. B., Banca, P., Porter, L., Morris, L., Mitchell, S., … & Irvine, M. (2014). Neural correlates of sexual cue reactivity in individuals with and without compulsive sexual behaviours. PloS one, 9(7), e102419.

[xxii] Wéry, A., & Billieux, J. (2016). Online sexual activities: An exploratory study of problematic and non-problematic usage patterns in a sample of men. Computers in Human Behavior, 56, 257-266.

sexandrelationshiphealing.com

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Journal Through Recovery – Bonus Podcast #16 Does This Stuff Actually Work?

The Promises state that we will realize God is doing for us what we can’t do for ourselves. Actually changing us. Does it work? For me

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Relapse Hits You Like…

… a bale of hay.  Don’t be unprepared!