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Sex Sells, But We’re Buying More Than We Bargained For

Posted on: 03-15-2013 by:  Beauty Redefined

In a world where advertising-fueled media has become all but inescapable, where the pornography industry has secretly and seductively infiltrated all aspects of pop culture, and sexualized female bodies sell everything from children’s toys to deodorant, it’s easy to feel like sex appeal is the key to happiness and success. The truth is, it inspires shame, anxiety, and lost potential at every turn for girls and women. But here’s something we know for sure, and it’s a message we shout from the rooftops and have proved with our PhD research: There is more to be than eye candy. And when we figure out who we are outside the confines of just being looked at, we can do so much in this world. 

One of our sticky notes available for purchase!

We know that our ability to think critically about inescapable media messages is what we should believe about ourselves. Most often, those voices tell us females of all ages are to be valued for their sexual appeal, they should spend their lives striving for those ideals, and they will have a very hard time being loved and desired without reaching those goals (which are designed to be unattainable, for profit).  Our doctoral research and the work we cite tells us the messages we get from media at every turn powerfully shape our reality. Our feelings about everything – our bodies, beauty, worth, potential – are formed as the media we choose whispers (and often YELLS) these harmful lies at us.

These lies are powerful, especially when we live in a country that is simultaneously the No. 1 global exporter of pop culture and the only industrialized nation that doesn’t teach media literacy in public school curriculum. While we teach our kids how to read classic literature, we have yet to help them understand and deconstruct media messages that shape their entire lives. We believe females everywhere must learn there is more to BE than eye candy – a message they won’t get from advertising-fueled mass media. Happiness comes in being, living, doing, and experiencing – not self-consciously strolling through life as an object to be looked at. And when you begin to realize that, you can start realizing the power of your abilities and the good you can do in a world so desperately in need of you. NOT a vision of you, but ALL of you.

Here’s our plan of attack: After a brief introduction to the sexualized landscape so common in pop culture today (from G-rated movies to XXX websites), we’ll break down the physical and emotional effects these types of now “normal” messages have on people, especially females. Next, we’ll arm you with strategies to reject those harmful messages and redefine what female worth, beauty, and power can and should mean.

Pornography Redefined With sexualized female bodies dotting our media landscape, (think new movie “Spring Breakers” with nude former Disney princesses Vanessa Hudgens and Selena Gomez advertised at every turn,  Victoria’s Secret’s inescapable advertising in mailboxes, storefront windows, and TV, and increasingly sexified Disney’s fairy princesses) scholars and journalists seem to concur that the line between pop culture and pornography has shifted and blurred over the last decade. The last 10 years of our lives have been called “the rise of raunch” and “porno chic society,” which highlights the way media makers incorporate sexualized female bodies into their messages while totally denying they are pornographic. In the last 10 years of our lives, porn stars have become mainstream icons; the music industry has pushed the limits to the point of “soft-core” in words and images; and, as author Gail Dines (2010) describes, the pornography industry has worked carefully and strategically to “sanitize its products by stripping away the ‘dirt’ factor and reconstituting porn as fun, edgy, sexy and hot.” Today, the Playboy brand is a hit phenomenon for men and women, boys and girls – featuring the hit TV shows or any number of movies (2011′s animated hit “Hop” featuring the Playboy logo for our youngest audiences and 2008’s “House Bunny,” for example). Little girls are sold Playboy panties and bras at popular stores, as well as other push-up bras and sexy underwear at the likes of Abercrombie & Fitch and the Limited Too. Victoria’s Secret is now hitting young teens hard with their PINK line of clothing and it’s pornography-inspired ads, which we will not link to.

Even Candyland got a sexy new makeover! Queen Frostine embodies every unattainable ideal we’re sold today.

Of course, TV commercials don’t shy away from these dangerously sexualized images, either. Ever seen an Axe Body Spray commercial? They exclusively feature women and teen girls in sexually degrading ways and are shown on TV all hours of the day. (And don’t forget Dove – the company that sells “self esteem” is owned by the same company that owns Axe Body Spray! Really, Unilever?!) Drive down the freeway and you’ll see sky-high billboards with parts of women’s bodies made to represent women themselves in strikingly dangerous ways (unless you saw one of our 13 billboards with uniquely positive messages messages, including “There is more to BE than eye candy.” Woohoo!!!)

And in 2011, in the largest study of its kind, the Institute on Gender in Media found the more hours of TV a girl watches, the fewer options she believes she has in her life. And the more hours a boy watches, the more sexist his views become. Oh, there’s more: Of the female characters that exist in G-rated movies, the majority are highly stereotyped and/or hypersexualized. Startlingly, the female characters in G-rated movies wear the same amount of sexually revealing clothing as the female characters in R-rated movies. The vast majority of female characters in animated movies have an “ideal” body type that cannot exist in real life. In G-rated movies, for every one female character, there are three male characters. If it is a group scene, it changes to five to one, male to female. The only aspiration for female characters in nearly every instance is finding romance, whereas there are practically no male characters whose ultimate goal is finding romance.

When the millions of images of women and girls we see in media reflect a distorted reality where females are valued solely for their sexual appeal and the parts of their bodies, we have a problem and we must not only speak up, but fight back. These messages, found in the most “innocent” of children’s programming and movies, are dangerous at best and deadly at worst. Let’s talk about how these sexualized ideals translate into reality.

Sexualized So Young: So What? Our work makes one thing very clear: Part of growing up female today means learning to view oneself from another’s gaze. As psychological researchers Fredrickson & Roberts describe it, self-objectification is manifested as “the tendency to perceive one’s body according to externally perceivable traits (how it appears) instead of internal traits (what it can do).” Research shows young girls and women “self-objectify” when they think of themselves mostly or exclusively in sexual terms and when they equate their “sexiness” with a narrow idea of physical attractiveness (achieved through extremes like disordered eating and cosmetic surgery). And what do you know? Young women experience appearance-related anxiety the majority of the time, especially after viewing media images of sexualized female bodies or language so normalized today. Hospitalizations for little girls with eating disorders went up 100 percent in the last decade. Further, cosmetic surgery increased 446 percent in the last decade to reach $12 billion in 2010, with 92 percent of those voluntary procedures (mostly liposuction and breast enhancement) performed on females – many younger than 18. No wonder that is the case when even the “mildest” of entertainment represents females of any age as sexual objects made up of digitally and surgically enhanced parts.

Disney Fairies and Princesses have ALL gotten sexy makeovers. Do NOT put your faith in Disney to do anything other than make money.

Dozens of studies show girls and women suffer in very literal ways when sexualized female bodies inundate our media landscape: adolescent girls with a more objectified view of their bodies have diminished sexual health, measured by decreased condom use and diminished sexual assertiveness, and in a particularly insidious consequence of self-objectification, research proves undue attention to physical appearance leaves fewer cognitive resources available for other mental and physical activities, including mathematics, logical reasoning, spatial skills, and athletic performance.* We know the dangerous and normalized act of female self-objectification works as a harmful tool to keep girls “in their place” as objects of sexual attraction and beauty, which seriously limits their ability to think freely and understand their value in a world so in need of their unique contributions and insight. There is more to be than eye candy, and we are responsible for believing that and spreading it far and wide.

Here is what we all need to do and know NOW:

We must Object to Self-Objectification. Constant media messages turn females into objects as they zoom in on parts of their bodies, pan up and down their bodies, and use dialogue/text revolving around their looks teach media consumers how to view females. When we understand the whole of objectification, we can better grasp the role it plays in our daily lives and the ways it may keep us from fulfilling all we want to do with our days – often in the form of self-objectification: Say you’re walking down the sidewalk on a beautiful day. Someone who has internalized an outsider’s perspective of herself will often spend more time adjusting her clothing or hair, wondering what other people are thinking of her, judging the shape of her shadow or reflection in a window, etc. She will picture herself walking – she literally turns herself into an object of vision – instead of enjoying the sunny weather, looking around, or thinking about anything else. If you find yourself the victim of this type of activity, you aren’t alone. In fact, you are just one of millions of females growing up in a world that teaches us to survey ourselves every waking moment.

Our new mini frames share these powerful truths on dressers, desks, and nighstands. Click here to check them out!

Life is beautiful when you live it – really experience it – not when you are more concerned about appearing beautiful as you try to live. When you think of your happiest times, were they in front of the mirror? Were you happiest when you were working to appear attractive or beautiful to others? Happiness and beauty come from doing, acting, being – outside the confines of being looked at. So, today, what will you do to shake off the outsider’s gaze you’ve been taught to envision of yourself? Will you experiment with what your life becomes when you spend less time with your reflection and more time doing, acting, and being? Will you enjoy the world around you instead of hoping others are enjoying their view of you? Will you do something your self-policing outsider’s gaze kept you from doing before – like speak in front of a group of people? Run without worrying about the jiggle? Go to the store without making yourself get all done up? Today is the day to remember there is more to be than eye candy. And when you begin to realize that, everything changes. You start to realize your worth, your ability to do good and contribute light and happiness, and your beauty are powerful and needed NOW. Not once you lose weight or once your hair is colored and cut or once your clothes are just right. The world – your kids, the strangers on the street, your coworkers, need you. Not a vision of you, but ALL of you. What will you find you are capable of?

We Must Be Critical of Media, Not Yourself or Others. While the U.S. is the No. 1 producer and exporter of media, we are also the only industrialized country in the world without media literacy in public school curriculum. Next time you are flipping through a magazine or watching a movie, train yourself and your family to ask important questions about what you see. If you don’t like the answers you find, remember you can turn away from the messages that hurt you and those you love!

• Do you feel better or worse about yourself when viewing or hearing this media? Do you believe the females in your life would feel better or worse about themselves after viewing or hearing this media? • Who is advertising in these pages or on this screen? (Look for ads and commercials and you’ll see who is paying the bills for your favorite media messages) • Who owns the TV show, movie, magazine, video game or website you are viewing? (Research the company and its owners and you’ll find out who the powerful decision makers are behind the scenes of your media of choice) • Is the media you read and view promoting real health or impossible ideals meant to make you spend money and time? How are women and girls presented here? Are they valued for their talents and personality? Do they look like the females in your life?

We must unite with other like-minded people to speak up and fight back against these harmful messages that are inescapable today. Have you joined the fight? Our thriving Facebook fan page is a great place to start to get in touch with the most amazing positive messages and media literacy experts across the world.

For more strategies for recognizing and rejecting harmful ideals in media, click here for females and here for males. You’ll love them!

* Fredrickson et al. 1998; Fredrickson & Harrison, 2004; Gapinski, Brownell, & LaFrance, 2003; Harter, 1998; Hebl, King, & Lin, 2004; Impett, Schooler, and Tolman, 2006; Major, Barr, & Zubek, 1999; McConnell, 2001; Polce-Lynch, Myers, & Kilmartin, 1998; Roberts & Gettman, 2004; Slater and Tiggemann, 2002; Strelan & Hargreaves, 2005.

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The New Face of Infidelity

The New Face of Infidelity
Research shows women may be cheating now almost as much as men; the toll of new temptations
By PEGGY DREXLER

Researchers believe that the incidence of unfaithfulness among wives may be approaching that of husbands.

Some 60 years ago, Alfred Kinsey delivered a shock to midcentury sexual sensibilities when he reported that at some point in their marriages, half of the men and a quarter of the women in the U.S. had an extramarital affair. No one puts much stock in Dr. Kinsey’s high numbers any more—his sampling methods suffered from a raging case of selection bias—but his results fit the long-standing assumption that men are much more likely to cheat than women.

Lately, however, researchers have been raising doubts about this view: They believe that the incidence of unfaithfulness among wives may be approaching that of husbands. The lasting costs of these betrayals will be familiar to the many Americans who have experienced divorce as spouses or children.

23%
Men who reported being unfaithful in their marriages in a 2011 survey

Among the most reliable studies on this issue is the General Social Survey, sponsored by the National Science Foundation, which has been asking Americans the same questions since 1972. In the 2010 survey, 19% of men said that they had been unfaithful at some point during their marriages, down from 21% in 1991. Women who reported having an affair increased from 11% in 1991 to 14% in 2010.

A 2011 study conducted by Indiana University, the Kinsey Institute and the University of Guelph found much less of a divide: 23% for men and 19% for women. Such numbers suggest the disappearance of the infidelity gender gap, but some caution is in order.

An enduring problem for researchers—even those who sample with meticulous care—is that any such survey is asking for confessions from people who are presumably lying to their spouses. Researchers generally believe that actual infidelity numbers are higher than the results indicate.

It should also be emphasized that cheating in the U.S. isn’t epidemic or inevitable, for either sex. Surveys consistently find that by far the majority of respondents value monogamy and think that infidelity is harmful. And if you believe the General Social Survey’s finding that 14% of women are cheating, keep in mind that 86% aren’t.

Still, even though survey accuracy is difficult to achieve and experts are by no means unanimous, it would appear that women are, indeed, catching up. In my own work as a psychologist and in my social circle, I see more women not only having affairs but actively seeking them out. Their reasons are familiar: validation of their attractiveness, emotional connection, appreciation, ego—not to mention the thrill of a shiny new relationship, unburdened by the long slog through the realities of coupledom.

19%
Women who reported being unfaithful in their marriages
Source: Archives of Sexual Behavior

Researchers also point to other factors that might be leading women to stray more. One is what might be called “infidelity overload.” Scan the plots on any given week in television, and there seems to be more extramarital sex than marital sex. (Few spouses stay put in “Mad Men.”) With women portrayed as eager participants and aggressive instigators, there may be a feeling that infidelity has become more acceptable.

And then there is the opportunity factor—more travel, more late nights on the job and more interaction with men mean that the chances and temptations to stray have multiplied for the new generation of working women.

A 2011 study at Tilburg University in the Netherlands, published in the journal Psychological Science, argues that infidelity is also a function of greater economic and social power, which creates confidence and personal leverage for both genders. Women can now use their power in ways to which men have long been accustomed.

A broader cultural shift may also be at work. According to a Match.com study conducted earlier this year by the biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, women are becoming less traditional about relationships. Men, interestingly, may be going the other direction. In the survey, 77% of women in a committed relationship said they needed personal space, as opposed to 58% of men. While 35% of women wanted regular nights out with friends, only 23% of men said the same.

Social networks are another factor, if only by expanding the pool of possible partners. Emotional friendships that turn physical are the traditional point of entry for female affairs. It is now easy for those friendships to take root online. Some argue that social networks are merely an expediter and that cheaters will always find a way. Still, if you’ve never quite gotten over your prom date, today the chances are much better that you can find him.

Do women account for more of today’s affairs? Probably. But in a society that has been preaching, legislating and celebrating gender equality for decades, equality in marital misdeeds might be expected too.

—Dr. Drexler is an assistant professor of psychology in psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College and author, most recently, of “Our Fathers, Ourselves: Daughters, Fathers and the Changing American Family.”

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An Illogical Extreme

An Illogical Extreme
Posted by James Browning on November 29, 2012

Being dependent in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it’s a component of healthy relationships. Some people fear dependency, interpreting it as a sign of weakness or helplessness, or out of a fear of intimacy. If we grew up in a family that encouraged a sense of autonomy and independent growth, with parents who praised our achievements and showed us love, we will reach adulthood with a sense of security about ourselves and our internal worth and our ability to move through the world as successful people… Sometimes things don’t go the way described above, and what’s experienced growing up is criticism, rejection, conditional love (often based on achievement that validates the parents’, not the child’s, sense of self-worth), [and] over dependence promoted as valuable, making it impossible to feel adequate without another person around to shore up self-worth. In this scenario you are unable to take responsibility for your own sense of adequacy. You expect your good feelings about yourself to be validated from outside yourself – usually from another person. You feel weak and vulnerable. You depend on someone else to feel secure, comforted, nurtured, supported, lovable, or worthy. A codependent relationship is one in which someone else’s needs are met before your own. Everything becomes about looking after the other person, at your expense. It tends to be learned behavior, starting either as a coping mechanism to survive painful experiences in a severely dysfunctional family, or in imitation of other family members in your generation or the one above you, who are caught in the same trap. It is a coping mechanism gone to an illogical extreme and has become maladaptivee. By Katherine Rabinowitz, LP, M.A., NCPsyA
http://www.therapycanwork.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=category&layout=blog&id=49&Itemid=99

“If you need encouragement, praise, pats on the back from everybody, then you make everybody your judge.” – Fritz Perls

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Are You Detached From Your Mistress?

Did you ever look at the word “Mistress” and sound it out like an kindergarten student would?  It would be “MI – STRESS” or “My Stress” – sounds about right….

originally posted on: http://porntopurity.com/blog/2013/05/07/are-you-detached-from-your-mistress/

Guest blogger Tom Daniels has over a decade of experience leading groups and working with guys struggling with sexual sin.  Tom returns to share another blog with us. 

Check out his previous blog from last week called “Compartmentalizing, Getting Caught and Consequences”

Just as we need to connect the devastating consequences to our acting out, we need to detach from the bonds we have established with our “mistress”, our “drug of choice”.

When we engage in sex, we bond with whoever or whatever we are connecting to.  Our neural pathways don’t know the difference between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy one.  Our brains reach to repetition and create bigger pipelines for the flow to that area.  It’s like adding lanes to a freeway to accommodate more traffic.

We who struggle with sexual sin have developed an affection for our mistress.  Whether your mistress is an actual person, prostitutes, or porn, our mistress has been there whenever we needed her. When we’re stressed, lonely, bored, horny, feeling rejected or unloved, misunderstood, unappreciated, unaccepted she is always available.   With open arms she gives me the illusion of comfort, acceptance and love.

YOUR SPOUSE CAN’T COMPETE WITH YOUR MISTRESS The contrast to our spouses can be dramatic because no woman, regardless of how wonderful, could possibly hope to match the availability of our fantasy “mistress”. I say fantasy because even if it is a real person it is still an unrealistic relationship. You are not raising kids with this person, not paying bills, dealing with pets, school, housework, in-laws, yard work, etc., you just get together and have fun and resent that your marriage isn’t like this.

You may wonder to yourself:

  • How come my wife isn’t as understanding as my “mistress”?
  • How come she doesn’t desire me the way my “mistress” does?
  • How come it is so much work to have a relationship with my wife when it is so easy with my “mistress”?

It is because your wife is a real person and you have a real relationship with her. You are sharing your lives together, not merely an afternoon or a few minutes here and there.

The bond we create with our “mistress” is real and it is something that must be broken if we are ever going to be truly free from bondage.

DELIVERED FROM YOUR MISTRESS Many times I have seen men prayed for and delivered from addiction only to go back to it within a relatively short time. Were they truly delivered? I believe they were, but they chose to go back to their “mistress” because they still had affection for her.

Being delivered is only part of the healing, we need to break the bonds and connection in order to truly be free. Jesus will not override our ability to choose, it is up to us to do that, but the Holy Spirit will help us if we will take the steps necessary and turn our back on our idols. God will not share us with any other “gods”.

The most important step in breaking the bond of affection to our “mistress” is to recognize that she never loved us or cared for us in any way at all! She hated us and set out from the start to destroy us! The Enemy used her, whether in the form of prostitutes, affairs, porn, lingerie, sex toys, or even just fantasy, to set us up for destruction.

Satan’s goal is to make us ineffective for service to our Lord, to eliminate us as warriors, to wreck our marriages, to set our children up for failure because we are not the men of God they need as Dad, to cause us to worship created things rather than the Creator, and he uses sex to do it.

Sadly, I am not the only one fooled by this “mistress”, many men are caught in the same trap and I pray that they can see the illusion for what it is and how the Enemy has used them and break free from its terrible grip before any more devastation takes place.

Recognizing the “mistress” for who and what she really is, is a key step to full recovery as we will never cut her off completely unless we see her as she truly is, deadly and deceitful.

“What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God–through Jesus Christ our Lord!” Rom 7:24-25

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Pornography is Vulnerable

originally posted on: http://shessomebodysdaughter.wordpress.com/2013/05/07/pornography-is-vulnerable/

tell

“As soon as you name it, it’s vulnerable.”

When our friend Donna spoke these words, it was easy to realize why our She’s Somebody’s Daughter initiative is going to be so powerful.

Everyone thinks of pornography as being too big to take down.  It’s a multi-billion dollar industry.  It has permeated our society to the point where an alarming number of otherwise reasonable and intelligent people see it as “normal.”

Those who do see it as problem often express the attitude that it is s too late to do anything about it.  Thanks to the ever-evolving technology industry and the lack of common-sense restraints placed upon it,  “Pandora’s box has been opened,” they say.

But even though this conversation should have started before the internet was unleashed on the world; even though the pornography industry is huge; even though pornography has increasingly become a part of mainstream life; even though the technology makes it as easy to find as your nearest laptop or “smart” phone – pornography is still vulnerable

Why?  Because anything built on a foundation of lies will come crashing down once the truth is spoken.

Watch an old black and white movie from the forties.  All the movie stars are smoking.  Smoking is what the beautiful people do.  It’s glamorous and sophisticated.

Well eventually we learned the truth about smoking.  It gives people cancer. Nobody thinks it’s glamorous anymore.  Nobody appreciates being exposed to second-hand smoke. Even those of us who can’t kick the habit know that it is death by degrees.

Pornography causes cancer too.  Pornography kills.  It kills relationships.

It kills families.  Ironically, it even kills libido, dramatically increasing impotence among the men who use it.

Pornography is slow, sexual suicide.

And behind the sanitized “I read Playboy for the articles ” version of boys being boys is a nightmare world of people using people – of manipulation, violence, drug abuse, and sex trafficking.   It is a world of never-ending pain.

Once the facts about pornography are widely known people will start making different choices. But first we have to tell the truth.

People are going to ask “Who is it hurting?”  And we’re going to tell them.  It is hurting everyone.

Because whenever any human being is being turned into an object for the selfish sexual gratification of another it makes the world a colder, crueler place.  What demeans any one of us demeans all of us.

You will hear all the same uniformed arguments.  People are going to say, “It’s just another form of entertainment. “  We’re going to ask them how entertaining would it be if their wife or daughter or sister were on the screen?

The simple truth about She’s Somebody’s Daughter is this.  No one wants his or her daughter – or son – to be sexually assaulted on camera for someone to watch.

That’s not normal.  That’s not harmless. That’s not “just entertainment.”

And once we tell the truth – and tell it again, and again, and again – the foundation of lies on which pornography now stands will crumble and fall.

Are you ready to name it and tell the truth?