Recovery Articles

When I first met her, it was love at first sight.  She was perfect. She is perfect. She has beautiful green eyes,  smooth skin as silky as sateen, her body is as natural as the sun. Sometimes, she awakes me with sexy red hair, slightly covering her breasts.  She always wears a smile, her eyes looking directly at mine, teasing me, kneeling on her knees, holding another man’s genitals, whispering that she would do the same – to me. I dream of her, my eyes closed, my hands on myself, the earth moves rhythmically  like a wave until it shakes. It feels good. Very good.

I cannot live without her.

I find myself thinking of her every moment of forever, and I cannot have enough of her. Her presence hypnotizes me at the office. I imagine her coming in for an interview. A white button down with only a slight trace of a nude bra. A black pencil skirt leaving the rest to imagination. A pair of blue eyes with straight black hair as fair as a mane. “Sir,” she said, “I need this job and I am willing to do anything for it” – with a playful display of seduction and a juxtaposition tone of innocence. “Tell me about yourself,” I asked, slowly unbuttoning her shirt while showing her power over me by pressing my hips against hers.

I cannot live without her.

In the evening, she makes me wild. Willing to please and open-minded, she allows me to experiment with anything I could possibly imagine, and it is this sense of freedom without any judgment that I adore.  Sometimes, she shows up at my home fully clothed, throwing pieces of her clothing on the floor like a carefree boy, tearing me apart as if I were her worst enemy. Then, we have sex, like a machine. Sometimes, she shows up at the hotel in only a robe, showers with soapy foam like the movies, thirsts for me as if I were the sweetest in the world – even if she is tied up in ropes like an injured worm.

I cannot live without her.

She is my best friend, my comforter, my everything.  She is always there, whether I am single or in a relationship, whether I am happy or in pain, whether I have a webcam or not. She always looks at me with those eyes, those kind, accepting eyes from where I find respect, adoration and love, those tender yet powerful eyes that take me to a place of warmth, where all pain goes away, where nothing matters – except she and I and happily ever after.

I cannot live without her.

Soon, nothing else matters, all I want is her.  She is everything I have ever wanted.  I don’t understand why others can’t see things my way.  She is perfect in every way, she satisfies all of my needs, yet my friends, my family don’t understand, they detach from me causing me great pain and feelings of abandonment.  But she is there, she will not abandon me, will she?

I cannot live without her.

In time, other than her, I am alone.  I don’t have time for work, I don’t have time for family, I don’t have time for friends.  All I have time for is her inside the vacuum we have created.  Her beautiful blonde hair and gorgeous blue eyes mesmerize me, I cannot look away, she is everything to me.  Nobody understands, if they did, they would not have distanced themselves from me.

I cannot live without her.

I have lost my job, my income, my family, my friends, but I haven’t lost her.  She is still with me, she loves me, she wants me, she needs me.  I lust after her more and more.  I see less and less of her, but I can always close my eyes and imagine the dark black hair, soft brown eyes, and soft white skin.  She looks at me and I melt.  I must see her, I have to see her, and I will see her.  Maybe I can see her at someone else’s place?  Maybe I can sneak in, just to meet her.  Maybe I can just break into that house, she is there, waiting.  After all, our love is worth the crime is it not?  Our love is worth even murdering those that stand in our way!

I cannot live without her.

And now I sit alone, in this cell, like an animal.  It was an accident, I didn’t mean to kill the owner of the house, I only wanted to see my love.  What happened to me?  What happened to her?  She is gone, I cannot not find her, it has been years since I saw her.  I am so alone, I feel like dying.  The promises she spoke to me were all empty, they meant nothing.  I gave up everything for her, my wife, my children, my friends, my job, my health, my sanity and there is nothing left of me than an empty shell.  She is not there like she promised she would be, she is not taking the pain away any longer.

God, I need help….

I read this post (later modified by me) originally posted by a former partner of a sex addict who was consumed with pornography and sexually acting out that he destroyed the relationship; she finally left him.  This is an example of the denial that all sex addicts experience in their addiction and how they see pornography or pornstars, even at a subconscious level.  To them, pornography is a great fantasy to where they can escape – the actress, their wife, girlfriend, partner who falsely promises to satisfy all of their needs and protect them from the pain and hurts of life.  An “security blanket” which is wrapped around their necks, slowly strangling them until they die.

The next few posts on Castimonia will focus on former female pornstars that have come forward to burst the fantasy bubble and expose the harsh reality of the pornography industry.