Recovery Articles

August 1, 2013 By Castimonia

World’s ‘hottest’ porn star gives life to God

by: Chelsea Schilling

Once named by Maxim as one of the hottest porn stars in the world, J**** P****** performed in more than 275 pornographic films, stripped for money, sold her body in prostitution, abused drugs and even tried to kill herself – but now the young brunette stunner says she has found her true calling in life.

“Thank you, Jesus! I found Him, I’m home!” she declared, announcing that she has become a born-again Christian.

P******, 26, whose real name is B****** R***, said, “It’s been a long seven-year journey of porn, prostitution, stripping, drugs, alcohol and several failed suicide attempts.”

R***, who struggled with anorexia in high school, was reportedly raped when she was 14 years old.

Where is our nation going wrong? Americans’ traditional sexual morality has been violently subverted. In her hit book, “Sexual Sabotage,” Dr. Judith Reisman explains why we can and must repudiate soul-and-body-destroying sexual anarchy.

At the young age of 15, she began a career as a topless dancer in Mexico.

By 18, she performed in X-rated hardcore movies, shooting two and three sex scenes a day for $900 each while she was in college. She won numerous top industry awards for her work.

In an interview with Adult FYI, Ruiz said producers told her she was beautiful.

Upon filming her first sex scene, she recalled, “I felt so loved that day because I was put in hair and makeup. I was told I was beautiful. I was going to be a star.”

She said they made her work relentlessly because she had a very young look. The producers dressed her in children’s clothing and pigtails.

“I already looked like I was 12,” she recalled, adding, “It’s disgusting how they can portray you as a little girl. It’s complete perversion.”

But the industry began to have a devastating impact on her.

“It left me feeling drained,” she said. “I was so robotic, I was like a rubber Barbie doll. I had no emotions. … I was no longer B******. I became J**** P******. I had an alter ego.”

So R*** turned to drugs to numb her pain.

Then she attended a church in San Diego and met a man. They began dating, but he was beaten to death in front of her at a Las Panchos restaurant by members of a motorcycle gang.

“He got murdered, stabbed in front of me,” she said.

The trauma of the incident derailed her faith, and R*** began abusing drugs again and tried to kill herself.

Then XXX Church, an outreach ministry that focuses on helping people leave the porn industry and fight porn addictions, found R*** at a porn convention. The XXX Church distributed hundreds of Bibles and declared, “Jesus loves porn stars.”

R*** filmed her last sex scene in November 2012. She gave her life to God this year and left the industry. She now works for a limousine company.

“It was seven long years,” she told Adult FYI. “I hated what I was doing, but I wondered what I would do next.”

Looking back, R*** recalled, “I never found love in my life and was looking for it in all the wrong places. … I have finally encountered the unconditional love of God, and I will never go back.”

July 31, 2013 By Castimonia

Porn Star E** Rs’ Story

Porn Star E******** R******* Story
by S****** L*****| Mon, 01/31/2011 – 10:10pm

I lay there [graphic description removed]. Disgusted, sore, defiled and void of all emotions, a part of me died that day; my soul was shredded and separated among the twenty five men who I just sold my body for.

My journey into the porn industry was justified by my desperate need to feed my three children. I was a destitute single mother who would have done anything for my children. My first porn scene was filmed in Las Vegas in 2006 for Clint and his porn company S********** V***. It was shot in an apartment. There was no fancy set, no personal changing area, no security, just a rundown, run of the mill hole in the wall. I was told it was a “test” shoot and that I was lucky to get paid for it, but that if I went through with it, I would gain fame and fortune. So begrudgingly, I did the scene. In an hour the abuse was over and I was paid $300. As I was ushered out the door and promised more work, the next victim walked in. As I drove home with a knotted stomach, my only thought was that I had just sold my soul for $300 dollars. I vowed never to do it again and was sure I would never make another movie, but I was wrong. Eight months later, it was the same situation.

I was in need of money even though I was working full time. The demands of being a single mother with no help from my ex husband was too much to handle. A couple of men I knew had seen my first movie and encouraged me to make more. I relived the trauma over in mind and wanted to cry, but I believed desperate times called for desperate measures. I wanted the fast money in hopes to cure my stress about finances; little did I realize my stress had only begun.

I posted a profile on ********.com and not even five minutes later I received what seemed like a million phone calls from so called producers and agencies, all with promises of grandeur and instant wealth. I got some weird calls too, men asking me if I would beat them up or sleep with underage boys on camera; I immediately hung up on them. Having received no formal education about the porn industry, I accepted a “gig” from a producer in Compton, California who ran T**** M**** G****. I had never been to Compton and didn’t know what to expect, but I needed the money. When I got to the hotel I was informed that the producer, who looked shabbier than the room, was also the male performer or “talent” and I was to pleasure not only him, but the female companion he brought with him. I was taken back; I was told it was going to be a boy/girl scene not a boy/girl and then girl/girl scene. It was double the expected scene for the price of one, but what was I going to do? They knew I was a single Mom and needed the money so they took advantage of me. Before the scene started the producer told me I needed to show him my ID and sign a model release with legal terms I didn’t understand. Since I was new and uneducated about the ways of porn, I naively thought it was for his tax purposes. When I asked him if he was going to wear a condom he shoved an AIM’s test in my face and said we would not be using a condom. He never asked me for an STD test or said that one was required of me.

When the abuse was over, I was sore, tired and disgusted with the others and with myself. The producer paid me half of what he promised to pay me and said the check for the rest would be in the mail. I trusted him because he sounded professional. The check never came. Within days I began to drink heavily and take pain killers that I had laying around for a previous back injury. I started popping pills, especially when it came time to do a porn movie.

The porn industry offered me drugs, too. I was offered marijuana and alcohol from porn producers and other porn stars and I gladly accepted the drugs and alcohol. I didn’t want to feel the pain [graphic language removed].

Every scene was at least two hours or more because of the need to do freeze frame pics and get good angles and lighting. I was degraded on camera and had to like it or else no pay! I was called names [graphic language removed], my weight was consistently used as a form of exploitation and insult. I was actually told not to lose weight or that I would never make it in the biz. I was also forced into prostitution. Producers lied and sent me to do “privates” for high paying clients that my agent got a nice percentage of. I wasn’t in control of my life anymore and I completely lost my identity as J** and turned into the demonized character E******** R*******, the porn star.

I sold my soul to the devil without even knowing it. Ironically, I later performed a [graphic language removed] for Devil’s F****. About six months into the porn lifestyle I was offered my own web site. A husband and wife team by the name of D**** and D**** who owned their own pay sites had an idea for a BBW network and wanted me to be their top model. I was promised if I worked tirelessly on my web site that I would gain financial freedom which appealed to me as I did not want to do hardcore scenes anymore. The guy made a contract convinced me that it was all for my benefit and when I suggested a lawyer read it over, D**** guilt tripped me into signing it because of our so called “friendship” and besides; he promised me he would never keep the site up if we parted ways. Of course, I fell for it. What drugged up alcoholic and traumatized woman wouldn’t?

It wasn’t long before D**** started propositioning me for sex aside from the website work we did together and telling me if I didn’t have sex with him it would cost me. He often did this right after a scene, filling his selfish, lustful desires while his wife D**** was downstairs. He threatened me time after time and said he would financially break me if I didn’t obey. He wasn’t the only producer to force me to do off camera sex acts.

Prostitution was a form of manipulation producers use to get off and get more scenes out of the women. But I trusted D****. I thought he cared about me. I never thought he would have done this to me. One particular producer G****, owner of H******* V****, really loved to use on the side sex as a tool for manipulation, telling me how much he loved me and that I was his number one model and that having sex with him was a sure way to have continued work. G**** even sponsored a booth for me at LA E***** in 2007, where I was billed as the first BBW to ever have a booth. He was happy to do it as long as I “gave it up” whenever he demanded. He was nothing more than a glorified pimp. I was assured that having a booth would help me gain more exposure and of course more money. I was nothing more than a puppet on a string.

As time went on and my thoughts of hopelessness and desperation grew, my web designer D**** fed off of it like a plague. I wanted to die. I wanted to sleep and never wake up. Every day was a good day to drink heavily and ultimately I lost my normal job. I hated myself for being a horrible mother and just like in the beginning of my journey into porn; I was desperate only this time for a way out. The abuse and pain was so bad that I ended up in the emergency room from a nervous breakdown. My world was a blur and I just wanted to end it all. But when I told my web designer that I couldn’t do it anymore, all hell broke loose. His threats worsened and of course he refused to take the web site down. In fact, it is still up and I have NOT received any money from it since mid 2007. I’ve reminded D**** many times of our verbal agreement, but he just laughs in my face and tells me that he has a couple thousand to burn in a courtroom but I on the under hand am broke.

Facing the idea of committing suicide and feeling like I had no hope and not knowing who I was anymore I got on my knees and cried out to God for help. After a couple hours of tearful praying I went online to look for answers and Googled “porn help” and there she was my own personal guardian angel on earth, S****** L*****. I immediately contacted S****** and told her my story and it didn’t take her long before she was sending me encouraging words from God, numerous gift cards to help feed me and my children and resources in my area to help aide me in my recovery. Not only was S****** L***** concerned with the physical and mental well being of me and my family, but she began to mentor me back into the relationship I once knew with Christ Jesus.

As I became close with God again, He began to heal me and one of the ways He did that was using my painful experience to help others. Not long after that day I searched online for help, I was suddenly involved in helping other women who were hurting just like me! Shelley asked me to join her in her outreach to women in porn and in 2008; I went back to the porn industry only this time I was on a powerful mission from God: I was out of the industry and into the ministry! That year at the *** Las Vegas porn convention, I found true purpose for my life. I knew what I was called to do: to help champion the cause against porn and rescue other women and men trapped in porn. But the devil was fuming mad with me and wasn’t going to let me get away that easily.

In April of 2008, I felt very ill and reluctantly went to the E.R. Frightened at what it could possibly be; I was diagnosed with Chlamydia and herpes, a non curable sexually transmitted disease. My whole world came crashing down. I didn’t understand how God could let this happen! I mean, I did the right thing by getting out of the industry and now this? I always thought I was safe by getting tested on a monthly basis for STD’s through AIM(Adult Industry Medicine), but the so called “doctors” at AIM lied to me. At that moment I had a choice to make. Would I blame God for my STDs and fall back into a pornographic world of lies or would I accept the fact that these are the consequences for being involved with an illegal and diseased industry. I made the right choice. I didn’t give up. I cried out to the Lord Jesus Christ and He comforted me and strengthened me to continue to recover and do His great work.

Three years later I’m still volunteering with S****** through the P*** C**** F*********. I have witnessed God do supernatural miracles among those suffering in porn. I myself have been miraculously healed from herpes. It’s been three years and I have not had an outbreak. S****** and the team prayed for me and just like S******, I am herpes-free through the power of Jesus Christ! I have hugged and loved thousands of people in over 20 porn outreaches in three years. I have heard the heartbreaking stories of women just like me and even the men, sometimes drunk or high, come to our booth for help. Porn fans and porn stars, no matter, they all are searching for love and education. They want to know how we are recovering so strong. They want to feel like they matter and have purpose in this life. They want to be champions in life and Pink Cross reaches out and teaches them how to do it.

Working with S****** and the team has been amazing and I am one of the women who hasn’t given up on her. It has been extremely difficult to face my past over and over again and relive those horrible memories in the middle of a porn convention, but how can I not reach out to my sisters and brothers who are suffering like I was? I have witnessed a lot in this porn fight. People in porn sometimes think S****** L***** is a liar and using them for money. Of course, they believe the lies of crooked pornographers. The girls we reach out to are often addicted to drugs and alcohol and mix that in with the fact they do not trust anyone, you can imagine what S****** and her family go through on a daily basis trying to reach out to these women.

I have seen S****** suffer and sacrifice in ways unbelievable to help women and men escape porn. She constantly gives of herself without care to what will happen to her and her family because she truly believes God loves these people and will no longer tolerate the inhumane treatment of beautiful human lives that He created for greatness. S****** always tells the women and men in porn, “You are made for greater things than porn.” I’m so grateful to God to be alive and even share my testimony with you.

I have performed in over 40 porn films [graphic language removed] over 20 pornographic websites including my own and 3 pornographic magazines. I want you to know the truth, the porn companies DO NOT care about human value, they do not care if the men and women who perform in porn, God’s children, live or die. The porn performers are NOTHING but replaceable objects that keep porn companies wealthy while the majority (at least 95%) of porn performers struggle to make ends meet.

Porn is NOT glamorous, this is my story, and this is my truth. J** M****, formerly known as the dead woman “E******** R*******” Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. 2 Corinthians 5:17

July 30, 2013 By Castimonia

Online pornography to be blocked by default, PM announces

Looks like England is leading the charge. I hope the United States follows closely!

Originally posted: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-23401076

David Cameron: "In the balance between freedom and responsibility we have neglected our responsibility to children" — David Cameron: “In the balance between freedom and responsibility we have neglected our responsibility to children”

Most households in the UK will have pornography blocked by their internet provider unless they choose to receive it, David Cameron has announced.

In addition, the prime minister said possessing online pornography depicting rape would become illegal in England and Wales – in line with Scotland.

Mr Cameron warned in a speech that access to online pornography was “corroding childhood”.

The new measures will apply to both existing and new customers.

Mr Cameron also called for some “horrific” internet search terms to be “blacklisted”, meaning they would automatically bring up no results on websites such as Google or Bing.

He told the BBC he expected a “row” with service providers who, he said in his speech, were “not doing enough to take responsibility” despite having a “moral duty” to do so.

He also warned he could have to “force action” by changing the law and that, if there were “technical obstacles”, firms should use their “greatest brains” to overcome them.

‘Innocence’

In his speech, Mr Cameron said family-friendly filters would be automatically selected for all new customers by the end of the year – although they could choose to switch them off.

And millions of existing computer users would be contacted by their internet providers and told they must decide whether to use or not use “family-friendly filters” to restrict adult material.

The filters would apply to all devices linked to the affected home Wi-Fi network and across the public Wi-Fi network “wherever children are likely to be present”.

Customers who do not click on either option – accepting or declining – will have filters activated by default, Tory MP Claire Perry, Mr Cameron’s adviser on the sexualisation and commercialisation of childhood, told the BBC.

The UK’s biggest internet service providers have agreed to the filters scheme meaning it should cover 95% of homes.

Other measures announced by the prime minister included:

New laws so videos streamed online in the UK will be subject to the same restrictions as those sold in shops
Search engines having until October to introduce further measures to block illegal content
Experts from the Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre being given more powers to examine secretive file-sharing networks
A secure database of banned child pornography images gathered by police across the country will be used to trace illegal content and the paedophiles viewing it

Mr Cameron also called for warning pages to pop up with helpline numbers when people try to search for illegal content.

He said: “I want to talk about the internet, the impact it is having on the innocence of our children, how online pornography is corroding childhood.

“And how, in the darkest corners of the internet, there are things going on that are a direct danger to our children, and that must be stamped out.

“I’m not making this speech because I want to moralise or scaremonger, but because I feel profoundly as a politician, and as a father, that the time for action has come. This is, quite simply, about how we protect our children and their innocence.”

But former Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre boss Jim Gamble told BBC Radio 4’s Today programme it was important to “get to the root cause” of illegal pornography, by catching those responsible for creating it.

He added: “You need a real deterrent, not a pop-up that paedophiles will laugh at.”

But Ms Perry argued filters would make a difference, saying that the killers of schoolgirls April Jones and Tia Sharp had accessed legal pornography before moving on to images of child abuse.

She added: “It’s impossible to buy this material in a sex shop… but it’s possible to have it served up on a computer every day.”

In his speech, Mr Cameron said possession of online pornography depicting rape would be made illegal.

Existing legislation only covers publication of pornographic portrayals of rape, as opposed to possession.

“Possession of such material is already an offence in Scotland but because of a loophole in the Criminal Justice and Immigration Act 2008, it is not an offence south of the border,” Mr Cameron said.

“Well I can tell you today we are changing that. We are closing the loophole – making it a criminal offence to possess internet pornography that depicts rape.”

The move has been welcomed by women’s groups and academics who had campaigned to have “rape porn” banned.

Holly Dustin, director of the End Violence Against Women Coalition, said the group was “delighted”.

“The coalition government has pledged to prevent abuse of women and girls, so tackling a culture that glorifies abuse is critical for achieving this,” she said.

“The next step is working with experts to ensure careful drafting of the law and proper resourcing to ensure the law is enforced fully.”

‘No safe place’

Mr Cameron, who has faced criticism from Labour over cuts to Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre’s funding, insisted the centre’s experts and police would be given the powers needed to keep pace with technological changes on the internet.

“Let me be clear to any offender who might think otherwise: there is no such thing as a safe place on the internet to access child abuse material,” he said.

A spokesman for Google said: “We have a zero tolerance attitude to child sexual abuse imagery. Whenever we discover it, we respond quickly to remove and report it.

“We recently donated $5m (£3.3m) to help combat this problem and are committed to continuing the dialogue with the government on these issues.”

According to some experts, “default on” can create a dangerous sense of complacency, says BBC technology correspondent Rory Cellan-Jones.

He says internet service providers would dispute Mr Cameron’s interpretation of the new measures, insisting they did not want to be seen as censors.

July 28, 2013 By Castimonia

Former Porn Star J S*s’ Story

The next few posts on Castimonia.org will focus on former female pornstars that have come forward to burst the fantasy bubble and expose the harsh reality of the pornography industry. I urge everyone who reads this NOT to go searching on the internet for more information on these women as it would most likely bring up old ponographic content and constitute acting out. Be satisfied about what you read here and praise God for delivering these women from the bondage of the pornography industry. At the suggestion from sex addiction recovery experts, I have removed the name (both real and actress) of the female mentioned in this post as to not trigger recovering sex addicts into “searching” for “more information” about her which could lead to them sexually acting out with pornography.

Former Porn Star J**** S******s’ Story
by S****** L*****| Sat, 12/31/2011 – 4:38pm

Former porn star M**** aka J**** S****** shares her powerful story how she escaped porn. She also speaks candidly about the illegal drugs, STDs and horrific work conditions in porn. M**** was active in the porn industry from 2005-2010.

My young life was chaotic. I had an alcoholic mother and no father around. I was sexually abused for the first time at 4 years old. It continued until I was nine when the man that had been abusing me finally moved away.

At 11 years old I got myself up and got a ride to church every Sunday, I even went through classes and got baptized!

Unfortunately I strayed from the church and lost my virginity at 12 to my first boyfriend who was 3 years older than me. I soon became pregnant and had my first abortion. It was heartbreaking and I feel guilty to this day for it.

My teen years weren’t much better. I was a good student but rarely went to school I moved out for the first time at 15 with my boyfriend who was 11 years older than me. Then moved back home until my mom decided she was moving to Reno to be with family and she didn’t want to bring me with her!

I continued to move from guy to guy to try and find love and to feel complete when God was waiting for me all along, I just didn’t realize it yet.

At 17 I was hard into cocaine, and meth. I planned on either stripping or doing porn. To me it made sense. I hated myself so much and felt like such a reject that I really didn’t care what the consequences of my actions were. I woke up every day wanting to die.

So I found an ad in one of the local papers to be in a porn movie and I went and did it. I felt dirty, totally hollow, like my soul had just been sucked out of me, but I had so many people telling me how pretty I was and that I would make it big if I moved down to California, they even set me up with an agent! I finally felt like I was someone, like I was valuable even if I had to do something that made me feel so empty and sad (which I had been doing most of my life anyway).

I did around 60 films in the time I was in porn and managed to get herpes and had gonorrhea or chlamydia countless times. My agent that was so close to me and I truly felt like we were friends kicked me out of the agency house when I found out I had herpes.

I did gonzo porn to start out and it was the most degrading, embarrassing, horrible thing ever! I had to shoot an interactive DVD which takes hours and hours of shooting time with a 104 degree fever! I was crying and wanted to leave but my agent wouldn’t let me he said he couldn’t let me flake on it.

I also did a scene where I was put with male talentthat was on my no list. I wanted to please them so I did it. He put his foot on my head and stepped on it [triggering language removed]. I freaked out and started balling; they stopped filming and sent me home with reduced pay since they got some shot but not the whole scene.

People in the business are so fake. Like a certain man (I won’t mention his name but I really want to keep other women away from him) signed a contract to build a website for me and I would see a certain amount of the profit. I have not gotten a cent from him to this day.

So I was homeless living in a shoot house with a few porn stars, for a little bit until I found yet another man to move in with. One of the people I lived with is dead according to S******’s dead porn star list.

I just want young girls to know it’s not a glamorous life. its gross, dirty, everyone has diseases and do not care who they give them to, agents will screw you over, friends will turn their backs on you, it’s all about the money no one cares if you are hurt, a complete junkie, anorexic, on the verge of suicide, or highly depressed, as long as you can still make them money, but the second you get herpes or hurt its like they never knew you in the first place.

And don’t forget the DVDs will stay out there for years after you quit. There will be stuff on the internet, people will know who you are when you start a normal job and they will judge you on it.

God saved me in a miraculous way. It happened one night when I was up at my apartment in Oregon (I lived in the agency house for 2-3 weeks and took a week off and flew back to Oregon every month).

My best friend and partner in crime at the time were trying to get our hands on some cocaine. We were bored and wanted to party. We kept calling and texting everyone we knew. No one had any.

Then finally after hours of trying to get some a friend called me and said he had some. While he was talking to me we had already gotten in the car and were speeding to his house which was about 45 minutes away from where we were at.

So we got there and went up to the door, he let us in. There were a few other people there I didn’t know. He informed us that he in fact did not have the eight ball he had promised, but he had mesculine instead. At this point in my life (I was 19) I had never tried hallucinogens knowingly (I had gotten laced weed a couple times). I was pissed and I let him know it, but he said he would give us a discount on the mesculine and it was really fun.

My friend and I were both finding to numb ourselves so we decided to do it. He took out a couple cookies and took out a dropper of liquid he gave my friend (who weighed much more than I) two drops, she ate it. Then he did 6 drops on mine and I was fine with that I figured I had such a tolerance for other drugs this would be just the same.

We drove back home, neither of us felt anything. I called him up and bitched him out; he swore we would feel something soon. Well my friend got bored and said she wanted to go out so she started getting ready. If I didn’t have drugs in my system I would go nowhere I was kind of like a hermit when I wasn’t high.

Then all of the sudden the blinds to my patio started to move, and I thought oh no it’s starting… My friend left with her boyfriend. I was stuck on the couch watching the blinds. Then a few minutes after she left my fingers started to go numb, then my hands, then my arms… before I knew it I was scrambling trying to make a phone call to someone who could help me.

I thought I was finally going to get my wish, I thought I was going to die. I soon realized I didn’t want to die, I wanted to live and the only way to do that was to call someone for help. I was too afraid to call 911. I called my boyfriend. He got mad that I had taken mesculine and hung up, and then I called my god mother who lived close by. She came and got me I guess (I don’t remember anything after the phone call to her).

She took me to her house and laid me on the couch. She said I was pretty much unresponsive, the only way she knew I wasn’t dead was the fact I was still breathing and I could squeeze her hand after she squeezed mine.

What was going on in my head during this time was wonderful and horrible at the same time.

I heard this voice that I learn in my hallucinogen induced coma to be God. God was asking me simple questions like when was the last time I ate? My answer: Days, I finally realized I was starving.

God asked when the last time I slept was? My answer: days. I realized I was exhausted. God gave me a seat to sit down.

Then the demons came. God told me to keep looking at him and ignore them. I kept my eyes glued to the shining light that surrounded the most beautiful loving eyes.

When I looked in them I felt the most love I have ever felt, I felt totally submerged in love and happiness, but I couldn’t help but to feel and see the most horrid looking monsters I had ever seen ripping my flesh and scratching my limbs out of the corner of my eyes, along with the most horrible noises I have ever heard in my life! I tried my hardest to keep focused on God and ignore these demons that were tearing me apart.

God gave me rules to live by. He told me I had to eat; I could no longer starve myself. God told me to quit drugs. And he let me know all the music I listened to and people I idolized was all fake. I didn’t need to try and live the life that I saw on TV. I needed to be who He intended me to be.

God let me know he wanted me to go to school, and he wanted me to write. There are certain things in my hallucination he told me that I was told never to repeat, but they were wise words of wisdom.

Then God said he had to let me go and I couldn’t come with him yet. I felt the most sadness I have ever felt, and that’s saying a lot seeing as how I have been clinically depressed for most of my life! I said okay and I felt myself being sucked down, it was almost like falling.

I woke up. I was in my Godmothers bed, my body was sore and my ears were hurting and ringing from all the terrible noises I had been subjected to. Everything around me looked so dull and colorless, nothing looked like it used to. I thought the world had ended, and in a way my old world had ended at this point.

My god mother took me back to my apartment. My friend was there with her boyfriend. They asked me where I had been. I told them I was at my godmothers casually, afraid to tell them about this scary yet incredible hallucination I had just endured.

Silly me I took off back to California. I figured what I had seen was nothing, although the thought of God telling me my purpose and telling me what I was doing was wrong stuck with me.

Soon after going back I found out I had herpes and got thrown out of my agencies house like trash. They even stole my clothes, and bedroom set. Anything I didn’t take with me that day in my friend’s car was not there when I returned.

I felt like God was trying to show me this wasn’t the way, but I still ignored him. I moved into a shoot house with a few people. Well we didn’t really move in we just stayed there without real permission from the two men that rented it, but they were nice enough to let us stay as long as we acted as extras and “acted” in movies for them.

There were drugs everywhere in this house, actually one of the guys that rented the house died of an overdose (God bless his soul.) I numbed myself with drugs and alcohol daily. I didn’t leave the house. I just stayed there and got sloshed, I was totally ignoring that voice that told me what I was doing was wrong.

Until one night a man stopped by and for some reason when we were alone and hanging out I told him about what happened to me and that God had told me what I was doing was wrong and I was tired and wanted out.

The next day I moved to Hollywood with him. It was nice. His apartment was quiet. I knew I could get off drugs living with him, seeing as how he didn’t drink or do drugs and worked out every day.

When I got my strength back I started working out with him every day, and I would go to the pool on the roof, tan and read the bible.

Psalms 1:1-3 became my favorite scripture to read.

1. Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the wicked, Nor standeth in the way of sinners, Nor sitteth in the seat of scoffers: 2. But his delight is in the law of Jehovah; And on his law doth he meditate day and night. 3. And he shall be like a tree planted by the streams of water, That bringeth forth its fruit in its season, Whose leaf also doth not wither; And whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.

I began to pray and read scripture all of the time. The man I was living with did help me sober up but he wanted me to continue to shoot porn movies (He was a camera guy for a producer who is now dead as well, God bless his soul).

I left him and moved in with a barista from Starbucks. He was renting a room and I had my whole life (or what was left of it that the agency girls didn’t steal) in my car. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

I started going to church every Sunday and I would cry through every sermon. I felt I had betrayed God and there’s no way he could ever forgive me, but soon I realized he had I just needed to forgive myself.

I moved back to Oregon as soon as I could and started my recovery. It was very difficult with no money and a messed up head from years of using cocaine and meth, but I managed to do it. I started to see a counselor, I continued to read scripture and pray.
The last few years have been focused on my spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical recovery. I still am damaged and traumatized from what I put myself through and others put me through in the Adult Industry.

I now have a fiancé, a wonderful little boy, I have graduated school to become an esthetician, and I am still praying and reading scripture. Recently I have not been attending church.

I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia recently and it has hindered my life quite a bit, but I am thankful to God for giving me a doctor who knew enough about my condition to diagnose me and refer me to the Frida center which is a whole practice just focused on fibromyalgia! I pray they can help me with my condition so I can be up and moving and not in so much pain. I ask others to please pray for help with my condition. Prayer is very powerful and I believe it will aid in getting control over my illness.

M**** writes to S******:

I found your site awhile ago and just reading your story and others storys really helped me to stay strong. Thank you for helping me to get my story out there just as God willed me to do!
Thank you,
M****

S******: Please pray for Megan to be completely healed from fibromyalgia and that the LORD would bless her marriage and family and open doors for her to use her writing gift to bless millions. If you would like to send a message to M****, please email it to info@thepinkcross.org and we will forward it for you.

July 27, 2013 By Castimonia

What’s Wrong With Anthony Weiner?

New allegations have emerged the New York City mayoral hopeful may have once again exchanged sexually graphic texts and photos. Does he have a sex addiction?

By Jessica Firger, Everyday Health Staff Writer

TUESDAY, July 23, 2013 — New York City mayoral candidate and disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner is once again in the spotlight for an online sex scandal. In a press conference today, Weiner admitted he’d exchanged text messages and photos of a sexual nature with a woman last year. Weiner allegedly involved himself in these exchanges just months after he was forced to resign from Congress in 2011 after naked photos of him were leaked from women he’d contacted through Twitter’s private messaging system.The Dirty, a gossip website, reported today that Weiner had struck up a relationship with a 22-year-old woman through Facebook, and under a pseudonym, exchanged emails, explicit photos, and had phone sex for at least six months. In one exchange with the woman, Weiner asks her which of his photos or television appearances she liked best. The woman replies, “Specifically, your health care rants were a huge turn on.”

After the first sex scandal, Weiner retreated from public life, purportedly to do a little soul-searching and repair his marriage with Huma Abedin, an aide to former secretary of state Hilary Clinton. Some critics now wonder if Weiner may have spent too much time on Sunday crossword puzzles and not enough working through what some contend may be a serious sex addiction.

But Rory Reid, PhD, assistant professor and research psychologist in the UCLA department of psychology, and an expert on sex addiction, isn’t convinced the reports of Internet sexual exchanges indicates that Weiner necessarily has a problem. Today, a study released by UCLA reported that self-proclaimed sex addicts may simply have a higher sex drive.

“Anthony Weiner’s behavior is not uncommon among Americans,” said Dr. Reid. “Speculation about whether he has a ‘sexual addiction’ cannot be determined given what we know from his public comments and other information in the media. There are many people who engage in online sexual behavior with people outside their monogamous committed relationships, and this alone, is insufficient to warrant labels such as ‘sex addiction’ or concluding Mr. Weiner has a ‘hypersexual disorder.’”
In fact, many experts don’t believe sex addiction — also known as hypersexuality — is a legitimate psychiatric condition, and the diagnosis is controversial. Last year, the American Psychiatric Association reported they were assessing the criteria for hypersexuality for possible inclusion in the fifth revised and updated edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), the guide used by psychiatrists and psychologists worldwide to diagnose patients. But when final revisions were announced, hypersexuality hadn’t made the list.
George Collins, a former sex addict who founded Compulsion Solutions to help sex addicts, has a different opinion than Reid.
“A problem of this magnitude, where you’re showing your own penis on the Internet, isn’t going away on it’s own,” said Collins, who is the author of Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Addiction, and Shame. Collins speculates Weiner was not sufficiently treated for his sexual issues, or did not seek the right type of therapy to address deep-seated problems.

“It’s a coping mechanism,” Collins believes. “He’s an exhibitionist, he needs to be seen. Something happened in his young life where he was undervalued.”

The compulsive desire to view pornography, seek out strangers to have sex with, or engage in frequent exchanges of a sexual nature with strangers must be properly addressed by mental health professionals, according to Collins. In his practice, he uses cognitive behavioral therapy and psychosynthesis, also known as dialogue therapy, which helps clients develop coping skills to use when they find themselves close to trouble.

“Anthony is the best therapist he could find,” said Collins. “He just has to harness the ability to do his own therapy. He would have to write these silly stupid dialogues to his penis, and ask ‘Why is it that you would need to be showing yourself to a woman on the Internet?’ People live and die with this stuff.”

Photo Credit: Kathy Willen/AP Photo

Recovery Articles

New allegations have emerged the New York City mayoral hopeful may have once again exchanged sexually graphic texts and photos. Does he have a sex addiction?

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