CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

Sexual Purity Posts

By

Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic – Step 11 Step Study

We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – His good, pleasing, and perfect will.” (Romans 12:2)

In today’s Castimonia meeting we reviewed Step 10 from the Twelve Steps for Christians and the SAA Green Book.

In understanding Step 11, one must understand that God’s will is the best and highest for us.  Our God is loving and supportive.  He has been with us even in the depths of our addiction.  As we worked through the first 10 steps we slowly improved our conscious contact with God.

“The quality of our contact with God, the depth and richness of our spiritual life, is the goal; prayer and meditation are the means.” Through prayer and meditation, talking and listening, we gradually improve our conscious contact with God.

Prayer to God is simple, we speak to Him, we ask him questions, we have discussions with Him.  We can pray by ourselves in our rooms, or with a group of individuals in community with one another.  The goal is to be open to actually speaking to God and not shy away from old beliefs we might been taught about how prayer should be structured.  In short, prayers are regular conversations with God.

If prayer is speaking to God, then meditation is listening to God speak.  God speaks to us through various ways.  As seen in some of the previous musical topics, He speaks through music.  God also speaks through other men in the program, during their shares, or through our sponsor and his wisdom.  Ultimately, God speaks to us through His word, the Bible.  The question is, are we still enough in our lives to actually hear what God is whispering to us in the aforementioned, or are we still too busy to listen.  Progress, not perfection is the key.  With time, any amount of effort we make to slow down and listen to God will bear fruit.

One of the most interesting meetings I have ever attended was an 11th Step Mediation meeting near Oakland, CA where we sat silent and in darkness for 15 minutes of the meeting!  I believe it was one of the few times I have ever just been still, enough to listen to God and his still small voice about my life and my recovery.  That meeting will forever be etched into my mind.  It was peaceful and quite, a place I still struggle to get to in this busy life of mine.

As we grow in our spirituality, we move from only asking for specific things to asking only for knowledge if His will for us, seeking to join our will with God’s will.  We learn to accept God’s will because we come to understand it is for our best interest.  Even when He says “no” we learn that it is for our better good.

We also ask for the power to carry out His will, regardless of how difficult it could be.  We need faith and strength to carry out God’s will, but we also need His help.  We can’t always see what God has in store for us, but in knowning God to be trusting and loving, we know it is for the best and this extends past our recovery and into all aspects of our lives.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

By

Sex Addiction Deniers: What Makes Them So Mad?

Sex Addiction Deniers: What Makes Them So Mad?

August 14, 2012

Author:  Linda Hatch, Ph.D. 

Original Article

The mere idea of “sex addiction” gets a lot of people angry.  I’m talking here about the writers who rail about the “myth” of sexual addiction and who argue that the whole idea of sex addiction is just a cop-out for the addict and a money making scam for the professionals.

The anatomy of a sex addiction denier

I prefer to see these “deniers,” as I call them, as a part of a larger societal pattern and one that is worthy of study in its own right.

Currently the opposition to the concept of sex addiction comes in two main flavors.

1.  Sex addiction is really just normal behavior.

These men and women have a defensive reaction to the whole field of sex addiction treatment as an attempt to restrain normal sexual freedoms.  Sometimes their blogs and online commentary seem to be jokingly, (nervously?) defending behavior around which they have some unacknowledged shame.  The message is “we all do it and you just think it is ‘sick’ because you are so uptight!”  This is an uninformed bias that seems to resist logic.

2.  Sex addiction is really just irresponsible behavior.

This argument comes from all quarters including some in the scientific community.  It minimizes the seriousness of the problem and the suffering it can cause, and the message is often “you so-called addicts are just behaving badly and you need to take responsibility and shape up!”

This second argument sometimes takes the form that “if sex can be an addiction then anything can,” or “if we let people off by calling it a disease then there’s a slippery slope which will lead to nobody ever taking any responsibility for anything.” (OMG!)

Both of these arguments have the net effect of saying that we shouldn’t medicalize the issue of sexually compulsive behavior and therefore that we shouldn’t actually do anything about it.  See the New York Times Op-Ed for an excellent discussion.

We need to understand the deniers, not condemn them

“Deniers” have always existed in relation to almost every unwelcome phenomenon that has emerged throughout history.  Sometimes they have taken a socially acceptable position which conforms to religious or other dogma and have acted accordingly, as in burning heretics or imprisoning the mentally ill.  In other cases they have simply veered off into crazy-sounding conspiracy theories such as that the 9/11 terrorist attacks were really a government plot or that the holocaust never happened.

These are elaborate attempts to explain or deal with something that is experienced as incomprehensible or intolerable. In this regard they are all defense mechanisms and nowhere more obviously so than in the area of sexual addiction.

Sex addiction deniers are trudging a road well traveled in earlier eras by those who wished to defend themselves against a trend or theory that they found very threatening.  This is especially true in recent history in the evolution of the disease model of mental health. It has been very gradually that the “deadly sins” have been recast as very human psychological afflictions.

Fear and loathing as a developmental phase

Because I believe sex addiction deniers are genuinely reacting to some unconscious fear, I think professionals cannot dismiss them but rather need to understand them.  If we don’t they won’t go away and will keep confusing the public and getting in the way in much the same way that global warming deniers get in the way of protecting the biosphere.

As the superstitions and fears surrounding a social ill begin to dissipate, the issue moves through a predictable sequence in public awareness from demonization to criminalization to medicalizationto reintegration.  First the problem, say alcoholism, is a moral failing, then it’s a legal problem, then a medical disease, and finally a larger societal or public health issue.

Leaving aside the issue of illegal sexual behavior, this mans that society’s current approach to sexual addiction is moving beyond demonization and criminalization but has not yet reached medicalization.  This transition to full medicalization will mean the evolution of awareness. This involves dispelling fears, confronting judgmental attitudes, and persuading people to suspend those judgments.  It is up to us to patiently explain.

The information contained in this post is the intellectual property of Dr. Linda Hatch, Ph.D.

By

Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic 10-27-2012 – Walk

This morning’s topic is a “Musical Topic” where I hand out the lyrics to a “recovery-related” song and we all share.  This also relates to our work in Step 10.  Below are the lyrics and my discussion on the subject:

Walk
by Foo Fighters

A million miles away
Your signal in the distance
To whom it may concern
I think I lost my way
Getting good at starting over
Every time that I return

Learning to walk again
I believe I’ve waited long enough
Where do I begin?
Learning to talk again
Can’t you see I’ve waited long enough?
Where do I begin?

Do you remember the days?
We built these paper mountains
Then sat and watched them burn
I think I found my place
Can’t you feel it growing stronger
Little conquerors

Learning to walk again
I believe I’ve waited long enough
Where do I begin?
Learning to talk again
I believe I’ve waited long enough
Where do I begin?

Now,
For the very first time
Don’t you pay no mind
Set me free again
To keep alive, a moment at a time
That’s still inside, a whisper to a riot
The sacrifice, the knowing to survive
The first decline, another state of mind
I’m on my knees, I’m praying for a sign
Forever, whenever, I never wanna die

I never wanna die
I never wanna die
I’m on my knees, I never wanna die
I’m dancing on my grave
I’m running through the fire
Forever, whenever
I never wanna die
I never wanna leave
I’ll never say goodbye
Forever, whenever
Forever, whenever

Learning to walk again
I believe I’ve waited long enough
Where do I begin?
Learning to talk again
Can’t you see I’ve waited long enough?
Where do I begin?

Learning to walk again
I believe I’ve waited long enough
Learning to talk again
Can’t you see I’ve waited long enough?

I believe that God uses secular music to get His message across, but sometimes one has to listen to the meeting deep within.  I could spend half the meeting time dissecting this song and how it relates to recovery.  There are so many parts and pieces to this song that relate to recovery, especially my own.

The passion and intensity in which the lead singer, Dave Grohl, sings the part that begins with “Now, For the very first time…” is the same passion and intensity I need to have for my own recovery.  I have to be passionate about recovery.  Understanding that a life of recovery means life to me and a life in the addiction equates to death is equally important.  “I never wanna die” means that I never want to return to the addiction, less I die on the inside instead of living my life sober.  Some days I have to live my life “a moment at a time” because “… still inside” of me is “a whisper to a riot” which is my addiction and my acting out.

Furthermore, “Set me free again” relates to me and when I need to work my Step 10, either after I was wrong and promptly admitted it, or after a relapse into my inner circle activities.  Understanding that we are made free when we openly and honestly admit our mistakes is extremely important.  This addiction gains its power from secrets and dishonesty.

Finally, the main chorus of this song, “learning to walk again” and “learning to talk again” are reminders of my recovery and the fact that I am learning to walk and talk again when I first entered recovery or after I have fallen.  It is important for me to understand that I really never knew how to “walk” or “talk” in my addicted filled life.  Now, as a Christ-follower, I can walk alongside Jesus Christ, and Talk/pray to Him who sets me free, one moment at a time, one day at a time.  But the latter will be left for a study in Step 11.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

By

Porn Star Finds a New Life

I would caution those who are “new” to recovery about reading this article.  Although this is a great story about someone entering recovery, the fact that she was a former porn star can be triggering and harmful to someone new or unstable in their recovery from sexual addiction.  That being said, I urge all of you NOT to go searching for more information on this individual as this could constitute a form of acting out.

Porn Star Finds a New Life   

When Jennie Ketcham went on Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew to boost her porn career, she had no idea she had a problem—or that a TV show would help her find a solution.

By McCarton Ackerman

08/01/12

It’s taken Jennie Ketcham a long time to become Jennie Ketcham.

From 2002 to 2009, when she went by the name ***** *****, Ketcham starred in over 200 porns, picking up numerous AVN Awards (Oscars in the porn world) in the process. She felt she’d exhausted every possible angle as an actress in the porn world and was hoping to get into the business side. With that in mind, Ketcham signed on to appear in the 2008 reality show Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew. But something funny happened when she got there: Ketchum realized not only that she had been using drugs and alcohol as a way of numbing herself for on-camera sex scenes because they were becoming traumatic but also that she was also a sex addict who was unable to form close relationships with people.

Within two weeks of entering treatment, Ketcham decided to completely abandon the porn industry. She continued to chronicle her recovery on another Dr. Drew spinoff, Sober House, and has been free from alcohol, drugs and the sex industry for over three years.

These days, she’s a full-time student with plans to go to grad school and is sharing her story in a new memoir, I Am Jennie. In this exclusive interview, Ketcham talks about dealing with a significantly reduced income since leaving the industry, her motives for entering the Pasadena Recovery Center and the Sober House producer she says intentionally tried to make cast members fall off the wagon.

When I left rehab, it was obvious I had no marketable job skills and that was a huge reality check.

What made you decide to write this memoir?

Initially, it all started with my blog. I thought that if I made a public statement about how difficult it is to struggle with sex addiction, and focused as well on my struggles with drug and alcohol addiction, it would make me much less inclined to go back into the adult business. I didn’t want that to even be an option. The memoir came about when an agent of Dr. Drew’s told me I needed to write a book. I had this powerhouse of support with the medical staff from the Sex Rehab show like Dr. Drew, as well as [therapist] Jill Vermeire and [psychiatrist] Dr. Reef Karim, both of whom had been seeing me pro bono since the show ended.

They all felt this could book could help so many people. It was obviously cathartic to write about my past and know I can open and close that book. But the response I’ve gotten from people who have told me my blog really helped them was a big reason for writing it. The book could reach people on a much larger scale.

How has the transition out of the porn industry been for you since Sober House ended?

We finished shooting that about three-and-a-half years ago. Since then, I’m now a full-time senior in college and pursuing a degree in psychology, with plans to go to grad school. I’m also working as a hostess at a Pan-Asian restaurant, learning to live on reasonable means while still being self-supporting. I have done nothing in the adult industry since April, 2009. I don’t even get money from any of my past videos, so there’s no financial gain from that—as frustrating as that might be at the first of the month sometimes. [Laughs].

You mentioned in an interview that girls in the porn industry can make up to $15,000 a month. Was it difficult to go from that kind of salary to $10 or $12 an hour as a hostess?

I wish I made $12 an hour! [Laughs]. To be honest, I could’ve made much more than 15 grand a month in that industry so the difference was initially difficult to wrap my mind around. I was convinced that I was a bigger-than-life person. But when I left rehab, it was obvious I had no marketable job skills and that was a huge reality check. I didn’t deserve to make more than $10 an hour because I hadn’t put in the time to develop skills that would pay more than that. It made me realize how entitled I’d become to think I deserved so much just because I sold sex for a living.

You also mentioned that even though a lot of girls in the porn industry made that kind of money, they still had trouble paying their bills. Do you chalk that up to drug addiction or just mismanaging their money?

I think it can all be lumped together. Whether you’re wasting money on cocaine or dresses, not being able to manage your money is usually a sign of something bigger. I mismanage my money when I’m not being healthy and those financial issues are one of my biggest hurdles. People often get sober and freak out when they look at their financial past. They either run out and use again or they say, “I can’t ever use again because this is what happens when I do.”

Has your past in the adult industry ever come back to haunt you at the restaurant or when you’re on a date?

When I first started working at the restaurant, I didn’t tell anyone about having been in porn because I didn’t want to define myself that way. I do get recognized occasionally, but it’s more from the Dr. Drew shows. People have come up to me quietly and said, “I just wanted to say that I saw you on TV and really admire you. I think it’s great you’re here now.”

That being said, I had to deal with one really drunk guy at the restaurant on a Saturday night that kept going, “It’s her! I know it’s her!” His friend goes, “I’m really sorry, my friend thinks you’re someone you’re not. He thinks you’re a porn star.” I told him I wasn’t and the guy goes, “No, not is. Was a porn star!”  I owned up to it and then just went into the back room. I didn’t want to deal with it.

It’s not haunting. It’s simply why I don’t do it anymore. For every drunk guy like that, there’s a feeling they could get away with a butt slap or a grab and it’s a reminder of the total lack of boundaries I once had. I’m just really proud that I’m now able to have those boundaries and respect myself.

When you talk about sex in the porn industry being a traumatic experience for you, did you know it was traumatic at the time or was it only when you got to rehab?

I don’t want to have this hindsight bias where I’m like, “I always knew this was f***** up.” I had a good time in the industry and didn’t ever think I was recreating the trauma of my youth. I knew I had intimacy issues simply because I’d never had a relationship. I thought I had a cocaine problem when I was using it at the moment, but never thought I had a drinking problem. A lot of these things surfaced once I got into treatment.

How many of the people who go on these shows do you think genuinely want to get better?

[Filmmaker] Duncan Roy, who was on Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew, always tells people he went on the show for a Los Angeles adventure. Obviously some people have done it as a career booster and that’s not surprising. I honestly feel like whatever gets you in the door is fine, though. Unfortunately, what got a lot of people in is the promise of revamping their career but the motives are irrelevant. Once you get in there, you have a chance of getting better. I went in thinking this was going to give me so much exposure in the porn industry and after two weeks of treatment, I decided not to do porn anymore.

In your book, you write about a producer on Sober House getting loaded on sake in front of the cast and encouraging Seth Binzer (lead singer of Crazy Town) to break the rules of treatment. Is that something you blame Dr. Drew for, or do you consider him separate from the rest of the crew?

Dr. Drew is 100 percent separate from the producers and the show. He’s a big part of the rehab and therapy that helps us get better. Unfortunately, my experience on Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew was completely different from the one on Sober House. Sober House is reality TV at its finest. He comes in and does the rehab, but when he goes home at night we’re left to our own devices. And the producers were looking for ways to stir things up because the struggle of people trying to get better wasn’t compelling enough to them.

After that incident though, I called Dr. Drew and one of the head producers that night and freaked the f*** out. Drew was on my side and things changed immediately afterwards. He’s not doing Sober House anymore because he realized how little control he had.

What does the after-treatment plan for sex addiction look like? It’s not like alcoholism where you can say, “I won’t ever have sex again.”

It’s an individualized plan and the way mine was set up almost looked like a bulls-eye. The inner circle consisted of behaviors that would trigger a relapse like sex for money, drinking alcohol or using drugs. The middle circle was slippery territory like masturbation, which had the potential to become chronic and compulsive.

What’s difficult for people to grasp about sex addiction is that sex is a fundamental and necessary part of our lives. We have to have it. You don’t have to have alcohol. That being said, even if you abstain from drinking, you can white knuckle it the whole time and not have that emotional sobriety. In working through sex addiction, you’re learning how to have an emotionally sober lifestyle and that’s absolutely necessary for recovery.

What advice would you give to people who are trying to maintain their sobriety?

Have good people surrounding you. I’ve been blessed to have such an amazing network of support like Dr. Drew and Jill and Dr. Reef. Taking part in anonymous programs has helped me stay accountable as well. And spirituality has become very important to me also. I pray every morning and try to pray every night.

By

Survey – How Often Do You Use Pornography?

I created the survey linked below so that I can get a better feel of the use of pornography in our society.  This link will be sent to various churches then compiled, analyzed, and discussed in a later Castimonia post.

The survey is completely anonymous.  Please participate!

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/WMCTG55