Saturday Morning Meeting Topics

Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic – 4/14/2012

This morning’s topic is a “Musical Topic” where I hand out the lyrics to a “recovery-related” song and we all share.  This also relates to our work in Step 4.  Below are the lyrics and my discussion on the subject:

Fixxxer
Metallica

Dolls of voodoo all stuck with pins,
One for each of us and our sins,
So you lay us in a line Push your pins, they make us humble.
Only you can tell in time
If we’ll fall or merely stumble

(Chorus):
But tell me
Can you heal what father’s done?
Or fix this hole in a mother’s son?
Can you heal the broken worlds within?
Can you strip away so we may start again?
Tell me, can you heal what father’s done?
Or cut this rope and let us run? Just when all seems fine and I’m pain free
You jab another pin
Jab another pin in me

Mirror, mirror upon thy wall
Break the spell or become the doll
See you sharpening the pins
So the holes will remind us We’re just the toys in the hands of another
And in time the needles turn from shine to rust

(chorus)
Jab it

Blood for face
Sweat for dirt
Three x’s for the stone
To break this curse
A ritual due
I believe I’m not alone
Shell of shotgun
Pint of gin
Numb us up to shield the pins
Renew our faith which way we can
To fall in love with life again
To fall in love with life again
To fall in love with life again
To fall in love
To fall in love
To fall in love with life again

(Chorus)
Oh yeah

No more pins in me, yeah
No more, no more pins in me
No more, no more pins in me
No more, no more, no more
No, no, no

Topic:

Typically secular music is not played at Castimonia unless it has a direct relation to our issues of sexual purity, addictions, or recovery.  When I first heard this song in 1997 I didn’t think much about it.  In 1997 I was still on the downward spiral of my own sexual addiction and really didn’t think much of the song except that is sounded “good” and pumped me up when I would work out.  I might of even thought it was about some sort of torture ritual.  It’s no wonder secular music stations that play this music and think it is “cool” and fitting to their sinful ways!  Most heavy metal fanatics bang their heads to this music, not realizing that there is a deeper meaning to the music.

I hope that you guys won’t throw a fit and say to yourself (or me), “Heavy Metal music is for devil worshipers, how dare you play that in a Christian setting!”  Then again, whatever you think about me is none of my business.  So bear with me.

Recently, I listed to this song and it has an entirely different meaning.  Looking at life through my “recovery goggles” or in this case “recovery headphones” I see and hear things differently, they take on different meanings. I learn to understand the world in a different light.  In order to understand these lyrics, a short history lesson of James Hetfield from Metallica is in order.  James Hetfield is now a recovering alcoholic.  He spent decades of his life in the addiction and the music he and other band members wrote reflect the out of control lifestyle they lived while in their addiction as a form of acting out from a less than stellar childhood.  It’s no wonder their music has these types of “screaming out” for healing!  It’s also no wonder why I was so quickly attracted to their music.  At a subconscious level, I too could relate to broken people like James Hetfield, his lyrics spoke to me, I just never realized why until I entered recovery.

In dissecting the song Fixxer, we see James screaming for healing for his Absent Father Wound, something he attributes to his “acting out” later in life.  You see, James’ father left early in his life and he was raised by his mother.  Furthermore, because of the strict religious upbringing (Christian Scientists) they did not believe in administering medication, even when James’ mother was dying from cancer.  This is why we read the lyrics, “Can you heal what father’s done? Or fix this hole in a mother’s son? Can you heal the broken worlds within? Can you strip away so we may start again? Tell me, can you heal what father’s done?”

When I listen to this song, I think of various times in my recovery when I asked or thought these same questions.  First, it was God, can God really heal me and what happened to me in childhood.  The answer I received was “YES” but I’m going to have to work for it!  Secondly, I thought of my sponsor and working the 12 steps, could they really help me heal these wounds from the past and move forward?  Again, the answer I received was “YES” but I’m going to have to incorporate them into my daily life, working them over and over, every day of my life.  Finally, I thought of my therapist, can he help God heal my childhood wounds?  I’m still on the fence about this one, but I’ve felt the pain and suffering of going through childhood sexual abuse, having an absent father, and all the other junk from my childhood that formed me into the person I am today.  God heals what I feel!  I believe that God can heal me, but I have to be able to go through the tough stuff first.

A part of this song as it relates to Step 4 and recovery:  It seems that a new pin is introduced every so often.  We can call these our character defects that were made known to me in Steps 4 and 5 and how more and more keep coming up as we mature in our recovery.  Even after working through those steps, other, different character defects may come forward, ones that we did not see before.  Also, for some of us, the pain from digging deeper into our childhood reaching to what possibly could be the core of our acting out seems like another pin being stuck in us.  This can come in the form of an absent father, an overbearing mother, childhood sexual abuse, introduction to pornography at a young age, etc…  Sometimes, in my own recovery, I have often stated “no more pins in me!”

One final thought on this song.  An interesting line in this song is the mention of the “pint of gin, numb us up to shield the pin.”  James wrote this before entering recovery for his Alcohol addiction.  However, as all addicts know, our addiction and the acting out tends to numb us from our emotions, from seeing our character defects, and from wounds inflicted upon us as children or later in life.  It is important to see the addiction for what it is, just a very false shield to try to protect us from the pain we have experienced in life.  Many of us have chosen to act out rather than go through the pain, it is common.  However, in recovery, we learn to fall in love with ourselves and learn to fall in love with life again.

Take what you like, and leave the rest….

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