CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

Meeting Topics

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Intimacy, what is it?

Intimacy, what is it?

It seems that the word is often misused in today’s society.  The word “intimacy” or “intimate” is used a lot to discuss sexual relations with one another.  The reason I state it is misused is because the physical part of intimacy (sex) is only one of three parts.  Below is the actual definition of the word:

in·ti·ma·cy /ˈɪntəməsi/ [in-tuh-muh-see] noun, plural in·ti·ma·cies.
1. the state of being intimate.
2. a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.

When I first entered recovery I really didn’t understand the meaning of the word or the different types of intimacy.  I always thought, as many still do, it meant “meaningful” sexual intercourse with another human being such as a spouse or committed partner.  Men would use the word “intimate” to signify they had sexual intercourse with their wives.  It wasn’t until our couple’s therapist pointed out a peculiar pronunciation of the word “Intimacy” that it began to click.

Although it isn’t actually pronounced as follows, he referred to intimacy as “In to Me See” which explained a lot.  That really is the definition of intimacy, to be close, familiar and loving in a personal relationship with another person or group.  To see into the other person, to get to know the other person on a deeper level, is what intimacy truly is.

Once I understood the word intimacy, I was able to break up the meaning into three categories:

  1. Spiritual
  2. Emotional
  3. Physical

Spiritual
Intimacy with God is paramount for us to be able to establish intimacy with others.  Spiritual intimacy between two humans can be a very powerful expression of connection and love.  When we are in deep prayer with our brothers in recovery or with our spouses, we open up a connecting bond that is truly incredible.  When we pray, our brains light up, our focus becomes much less about ourselves, and more about others and especially God.  Praying together, deeply, is one of the most powerful representations of intimacy that I believe can be achieved.  I believed God designed us to feel this intimacy with Him and with one another, when we pray!

Emotional
Emotional intimacy between two humans occurs when they share with one another their thoughts and feelings.  Sharing can be a very difficult thing for a lot of us in recovery.  Why? – Because we can’t trust anyone but ourselves!  We grew up with this mentality and trusting others with our thoughts and feelings would end badly for us.  After all, if someone knew who I really was, what I had done, what I think about, or how I am feeling, they wouldn’t like us, much less love us.  This is a common misbelief all addicts have.  This is why it is important to open ourselves up and share our thoughts and feelings in group meetings, with our accountability partners, with our sponsor, with our therapist, and even with our wives.  Sharing breaks down the walls of isolation and allows us to feel loved for who we really are not some façade we have created.

Physical
Finally, we arrive at physical intimacy; the intimacy that is most widely used.  However, physical intimacy does not always mean sexual intercourse.  Understand that intimacy is much deeper than just sex.  Heterosexual men can be physically intimate with one another without sexual intercourse.  There are many aspects of physical intimacy that should be analyzed.  However, for the sake of time and space on this blog, I will only briefly list and describe a few.  Holding hands is considered physical intimacy.  When we hold hands with another man either in meetings or in recovery exercises, we establish a small bond of physical intimacy.  Holding hands with our loved ones can be something very special; don’t ignore the opportunity to do so!  Hugging is also considered physical intimacy.  When we hug one another, we are exhibiting trust and building of intimacy either between two men or a man and his wife.  I would caution, though, that unmarried friends of the opposite sex not get into a habit of physical touch such as hugging or friendly kissing as we don’t want to end up where some of us started, in intimate relationships with a woman other than our wife!  Kissing is considered an act of physical intimacy, but we usually do this with our wives or a committed partner.  Kissing doesn’t have to be romantic or passionate to be intimate, a simple peck on the lips or cheek can be an act of physical intimacy.  And finally, non-compulsive sexual contact with our wife is the ultimate sign of pure, physical intimacy between a husband and wife.  When both partners are willing to know and trust one another so deeply that they become sexually intimate, it creates an amazing thing between the two and with God.  God smiles when we are sexually intimate with our wives!  In recovery, I have learned what great physical, sexual intimacy really is, it is a non-shameful sexual connection with my wife that nothing else in my addiction could ever come close to besting!

I hope you have noticed the order in which I wrote this discussion on intimacy.  I believe there is a reason for this order and that intimacy must begin with our spirits and God, then with other human beings on an emotional level, and finally, after both spiritual and emotional intimacy has been established, move on to the physical intimacy!  It is important to keep this in mind the next time we want to jump to the physical, sexual intimacy with our wives yet haven’t worked on the spiritual and emotional parts first!

All the above has been my own personal description of intimacy.  However, I believe one of the best descriptions of overall intimacy was presented to me during one of my Sex Addiction Specialist training sessions.  The quote below was adapted from Claudia Black.

“Intimacy is when I give the other the very weapons of my destruction (in my case the knowledge of and truth about me). Then, after taking the risk to share, the other uses the weapons of my destruction – not to destroy me, but to defend me.” 

I experienced this after doing my clinical disclosure to my wife and then my formal first step in recovery.  Both my wife and the men who heard my first step could have easily used the information I had given them to destroy my life, but instead they have chosen to use it to defend me!  My wife and the men in my recovery group know more about me than any other set of human beings alive, more than my own family of origin.  I challenge you to find that kind of love and support, to be truly intimate with each other as God intended.  Then to support and defend one another with the knowledge you have gained.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic – May 12, 2012

Jesus Calling – May 10th

Do not resist or run from the difficulties in your life.  These problems are not random mistakes; they are hand-tailored blessings designed for your benefit and growth.  Embrace all the circumstances that I allow in your life, trusting Me to bring good out of them.  View problems as opportunities to rely more fully on Me.

When you start to feel stressed, let those feelings alert you to your need for Me. Thus, your needs become doorways to deep dependence on Me and increasing intimacy between us.  Although self-sufficiency is acclaimed in the world, reliance on Me produces abundant living in My kingdom. Thank Me for the difficulties in your life, since they provide protection from the idolatry of self-reliance.

John 15:5; 2 Corinthians 1:8-9; Ephesians 5:20

This was the devotional read by one of my accountability partners during our most recent accountability meeting.  WOW!  How amazing is our God, who works all things for our good.  This also reminds me of how we define “Joy” at my church.  Joy is the steadfast assurance that God is in control.

Sometimes (or a lot of times) in my life, difficulties occur.  Prior to entering recovery, I relied only on myself, not on my God!  This is the way I grew up, relying only on me, because nobody else was going to watch after me, so I had to do it for myself.  Now, as a broken individual working towards wholeness, I must fully rely on God.  One of the many blessings from my recovery program is the thought that every single day, I need to be willing to turn my life and will over to the care of God.  It doesn’t always happen, from time to time I try to take my will back.  However, I acknowledge that I am willing on a daily basis, and my recovery is based on progress, not perfection.

The biggest blessing was when I hit rock bottom.  I was desperate, I wanted to run away, I wanted to go home, I wanted to live, I wanted to die.  Actually, I was in such turmoil that I didn’t know what I wanted, but God knew what I needed.  Again, He used my problems and mistakes to my benefit and growth.  I have seen time and time again how when I trust God to the fullest, he pulls me through every single difficulty I have faced and will face.  My sponsor always tells me, “it’s going to be OK, and if it’s not, then God is not finished.”  Keep in mind that “OK” to God, is not always the same “OK” it is for me.  I might not like what God’s version of “OK” is, but I need to keep in mind that it is in my best interest and maintain that “Joy” in my heart.  If it took me hitting rock bottom and going through that pain and suffering to bring me closer to God, to help me trust Him, to bring about an intimate connection that I didn’t have before, then it was all worth it and I would do it again.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

References:

John 15:5 – “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.”

2 Corinthians 1:8-9 – 8 We think you ought to know, dear brothers and sisters, about the trouble we went through in the province of Asia. We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it. 9 In fact, we expected to die. But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead.

Ephesians 5:20 – And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

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Castimonia Meeting Topic May – Working Step 5

Step 5: We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” (James 5:16)

An old Scottish proverb states, “An open confession is good for the soul.”  This is also true in our recovery.  When we work a Step 4 inventory on ourselves, we then review it with God, ourselves, and another human being – usually our sponsor.  By actually speaking out loud “the exact nature of our wrongs” that we wrote down in Step 4, we allow the healing to begin.

In Castimonia (much like in SAA), this is not an open confession of our sexual “wrongs” when we were in our addiction; that was performed in Step 1, hopefully in front of the group.  The wrongs we reference in Step 5 can vary.  Our “wrongs” can include some or all of the following.

Our character defects: We openly discuss the character defects we listed in Step 4, giving a full explanation and examples of each one to God, to ourselves, and to our sponsor.  These defects were often hidden from us until we entered recovery and started working the steps.  Our Sponsor can help us identify character defects, during our many meetings, which may not be obvious to us on our own reflections of who we truly are.

Resentments: As mentioned in Step 4, we list out our resentments and follow through to column 4.  It is critical we confess these resentments (even about our own sponsor) and work through each and every one.  In working steps 4 and 5, we learn a new approach to deal with people that we probably did not use in the past.  We would allow our resentments to build up inside and then act out because of the feelings we were trying to suppress.  Keep in mind, that in cases resentments arising from of childhood sexual or emotional abuse, we are not in the wrong for the abuse, however, we are in the wrong for holding onto the resentment!

Sexual wrongs: Did we leave anything out of our Step 1 reading to the group?  Perhaps there were issues that were too sensitive to read to the entire group?  Perhaps we were not ready to face those issues at the time we wrote and gave our 1st step.  These issues can keep us “stuck” in our recovery unless we deal with them in an open and honest manner.  Issues I have heard discussed in Step 5 but left out of Step 1 have varied.  Some have stated their lust other men, lust for younger women, others were victims of incest or sexual abuse as children, and some were sexual with animals or inanimate objects.  Regardless of the activity, we openly confess to God and our sponsor what happened.  Again, in cases of childhood sexual or emotional abuse placed onto us by others, we are not wrong for those activities.  However, we must be able to openly discuss them with our sponsor and therapist in order to achieve some level of healing.

Finally, as James writes, we must pray for each other!  We must pray for one another after a Step 5, either together or in private.  I ask sponsors that have worked a step 5 with their sponsees to pray for them, so that they can be healed!

Once we have learned how to properly work a Step 4 & Step 5, we are ready to move forward to Step 6!

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Castimonia Meeting Topic April – Working Step 4

Step 4 – Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
“Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the LORD.” (Lamentations 3:40)

Have you ever seen the movie “Raiders of the Lost Ark” particularly the end scene in the movie?  This is the scene where a warehouse caretaker slowly rolls the Ark, now placed in a wooden crate, down an aisle and over to an unmarked section of a gigantic warehouse full of other wooden crates.  It is a great picture of the warehouse we have stored inside.  I’m sure the caretaker has written down every crate, it’s location, and its content and can easily find the needed crate when required.  Can you imagine if the caretaker did not write down this information and only did it by memory?  The Ark would be lost forever!

In understanding Step 4, we need to realize that Step 4 is a written inventory, not just one we think about.  We take time to write down all this information we discover about ourselves with the help of the Holy Spirit and our friends in recovery.

A great Step 4 format I like to use is available in our resources section on Castimonia.org.  It is taken from royy.com and was produced by various Alcoholics Anonymous members.  I will discuss this format of working a proper Step 4.

Click here for the Step 4 PDF file

The first part of the inventory is our checklist of Flaws and Assets.  We select which flaws (also known as Character Defects) we currently are aware of and ask others to help us determine other flaws they see in us.  We also select our character assets as seen by ourselves and by others.  It is important not to bury ourselves in the negative of our character flaws; we must understand that we also have character assets!  Typically, we select double the amount of assets as we do flaws so as to not beat ourselves up over our defects of character.  The sheets have room for 12 flaws and 24 assets.

We then begin with the review of our flaws.  We list the specific flaw (or group of flaws if synonymous) and then we give an example of when this flaw came up in our lives.  For example, if we were impatient, we clearly describe when we were impatient, what happened, why we reacted with impatience.  The more thorough the description, the better the results.

After we write in our top 12 character flaws, we begin with our character assets.  Again, we list the asset and then give a clear description of how we used that asset and the circumstances surrounding it.  Perhaps we list brave as a character asset.  In giving an example of this asset, we can describe the first time we attended Castimonia or another sexual recovery meeting!  Again, the more thorough the description, the better the results.

In the next section, we tackle what is one of the most important issues we will face in working our recovery – our resentments!  In working a Step 4 inventory on our resentments, we are able to properly list out the resentment, give specifics about why we are resentful, and then in Column 3 describe in detail how it affects us personally (self-esteem, security, ambitions, personal relationships, sex relations). However, Column 4 is perhaps the most important column in this Step 4 resentment inventory. In Column 4, we describe where we are wrong in holding onto this resentment. We list where we were being selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened and thus held onto this resentment.  A thorough explanation can be found on the worksheet linked at the beginning of this post as well as from your sponsor.

After writing down all of our resentments and why we were wrong in holding on to them, we begin our list of fears.  Fear can be a very strong driving force in our addiction.  I once heard fear used as an acronym – Future/False Events Appearing Real.  In other words, things that have not yet occurred in real life, will definitely occur or have already occurred – in our minds!  There is a list of fears written on the preceding page, however, you can list others if you need.  I used the image of the creature from the movie Alien to represent something absurd I fear, something totally and completely in my mind.  I fear this creature even though it never existed.  There are of course, more realistic fears in life, financial, health, family, relationships, but again, most of our fear comes from our own minds and are things out of our control and can cripple us if we allow it.

Finally, we reach the last section of the worksheet.  This is something we are very familiar with in that we have looked at this problem in our 1st Step.  However, here we can tie in more specific reasons or feelings surrounding our sexual misconduct.  This will help us when we make a list of persons we had harmed in Step 8 and make amends in Step 9.

For today’s topic, I read through two books, The Twelve Steps for Christians and the Sex Addicts Anonymous Green Book as well as reviewed the Step 4 Inventory Workbook.  I like to read from both books because they are both extremely insightful.  The Twelve Steps for Christians touches my Christian roots and the SAA Green Book deals specifically with my sex addiction recovery.  The Step 4 Inventory workbook is one of the better, free, workbooks I have used.  I use this workbook whenever I need to work Steps 4 and 5.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic – 04/28/2012

RESENTMENT

A friend in recovery once told me that “resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die”.  So in essence, resentment is like drinking poison.  We poison our minds with resentments we hold onto and in some way, shape, or form, hope that the person we resent “feels” our pain.

Well this simply is not the case.  The person whom we resent does not, and cannot feel our pain.  Resentment, however affects us deeply and we feel the pain from our own resentment of others.  No matter what has happened in your life, no matter what was done to you, to hold onto a resentment is your own fault, not someone else’s.

I was sexually abused as a child, and for many years I had this hidden level of resentment for my abusers.  I always kept it hidden deep inside and did not really open up and discuss the resentment I really had for these individuals but in really I was just in denial about the abuse.  I did not even see it as abuse and a resentment until a therapist helped me see my abuse for what it really was, childhood sexual abuse.  Once I opened that door to the truth, I was flooded with feelings of sadness, anger, rage, hate and found myself resenting these other people and what they took from me; my innocence.  I was under the illusion that it was not childhood sexual abuse because my abusers were my age or a little older.  Also, I actually enjoyed the sexual acting out with one girl in particular and never questioned my friends when asked to perform sexual acts with them.  I was under the illusion that sex was part of friendship and that being loved by a female was translated through her wanting to be sexual with me, initiating the sex.  I grew up with this misconception and it greatly affected numerous relationships I had as an adult.

So how do I work on my resentment?  Well the 12 Steps has a solution on working on these issues.  Step 4 states, “Made a Searching and Fearless Inventory of Ourselves.”  What does this mean?  It means we look deep into our character defects and part of this looking deep is to look at where we still hold onto our resentments.

In working a Step 4 inventory on my resentment, I was able to properly list out the resentment, give specifics about why I am resentful, and then in Column 3 describe in detail how it affects me personally (self-esteem, security, ambitions, personal relationships, sex relations).  However, Column 4 is perhaps the most important column in this Step 4 resentment inventory.  In Column 4, we describe where we are wrong in holding onto this resentment.  We list where we were being selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened and thus held onto this resentment.

For the sake of time and space, I won’t go into all the details of working a Step 4 on my particular resentment.  Please consult with your sponsor for a detailed analysis on working a proper Step 4, as he might see things in your that you cannot see for yourself.

Today’s meeting was held at Rick’s Ranch in Sealy, TX.  The address and directions to the ranch can be found below.  Two or three more meetings this year will be held at Rick’s and we have food, fun, and fellowship afterward.  Getting to know one another outside a normal meeting setting is very important for establishing trust and friendships with one another in our recovery!

April 28, 2012 – Castimonia at Rick’s Ranch
On Saturday, April 28, 2012, Castimonia will NOT be meeting at The Fellowship at Cinco Ranch.  The church will be holding a parent’s summit that Saturday.  Castimonia will meet at Rick’s Ranch near Sealy, TX.  We will have our regular meeting at 10am and have a food fellowship at 11:30am.  We should be finished by 12:30pm but you may leave earlier if needed.

Rick’s Ranch
9597 SE I-10 Frontage Road
Sealy, TX  77474

Here’s a bing map of the location: http://binged.it/JD7AIE

Click on the map below for a full-size image with driving directions.