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A Pastor’s Struggle With Sex and Porn Addiction

A Pastor’s Struggle With Sex and Porn Addiction
by Michael John Cusick
Posted: 09/21/2012  7:16 am

I’ve been counseling men with pornography and sex addictions for more than 20 years. Before that, I was one of them.

In my line of work, barely a day goes by that I don’t hear a story about a man or woman who has lost something dear — their marriage, family relationships, job, ministry, reputation, self-respect — because of pornography. Of course, when we experience such loss, it also affects spouses, children, friends, congregations and communities. Everyone loses when it comes to porn.

It’s tempting to think that there’s nothing wrong with a porn habit — that no one gets hurt. We think we’re protecting our spouse by not telling them. We think we’re providing ourselves with a respite from a stressful day. No matter how we justify or rationalize it, in two decades of counseling, not one (person) has told me that pornography made them a better husband, wife, father, parent, employee or friend.
My own addiction to porn and illicit sex began in high school, and held me firmly in its grip for decades. No matter how close I came to getting caught, I always managed to jump in the manure and come out smelling like a rose. While working in church ministry in my mid-20s, my addiction was nearly exposed in a newspaper story about a raid on an escort service. But even that didn’t lead to change. I might stop for a time, vow to mend my ways, tear up my porn magazines, but eventually the insatiable urge would return.

On a cold winter night in 1994, obsessed with my next fix, I began my typical ritual of acting out sexually. I sat in a familiar parking lot of a XXX bookstore, unusually troubled by the routine I was about to perform even though I had carried it out too many times to count. I had a beautiful wife at home, but she was the last thing on my mind.

Less than a block from the porn shop sat a century-old cathedral. Without warning, an impulse to set foot in that house of worship overwhelmed me. I walked toward the edifice, hiked the tall steps and opened the monolithic oak doors.  I sat in the back row of pews. The silence was terrifying. In that space, I reconnected with something I had lost — my true self. The part of me that wanted more than compulsion, shame and despair.

That evening was the beginning of the end. Only a few months later, my wife caught me in a lie, and my double life was completely exposed. It was the worst day of my life. The truth of my actions unleashed a tsunami of pain and betrayal upon her. She was in shock, confused and angry. I slept on the floor that night — and many nights following — as she cried herself to sleep behind a locked bedroom door.

It was also the best day of my life. Though I was shattered, it was the day I finally understood Jesus’ words recorded in the gospel of John: the truth shall set you free. With nothing to hide anymnore, my failure, infidelity and brokenness became a life preserver lifting me out of an ocean of shame and isolation onto the solid ground of recovery and healing.

Eighteen years later, my greatest failure has become my greatest gift. I am married to the same woman and today we enjoy a life I couldn’t have imagined.

My message to those who are in the snares of sexual compulsion is two-fold. First, you can be free and whole. Trying to manage and white knuckle this issue is not as good as it gets. Others have walked a trusted path to healing and recovery, you can too. Start by deciding you will come out of the shadows and into the light. Talk with a friend, professional counselor or Twelve-Step Group like Sex Addicts Anonymous.

Second, sexual compulsions are not actually about sex. Almost a century ago, G.K. Chesterton wrote that the man who knocks on the brothel door is knocking for God. If he were writing today, he might say that the man who surfs online for porn is surfing for God. Consider what the Apostle Paul wrote in Corinthians that “sex is more than mere skin on skin. It is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact” (1 Corinthians 6:16, MSG).

Beyond bodies seeking and experiencing sexual pleasure, all of us reach toward some spiritual mystery we cannot see, touch or comprehend physically. Maybe this is why we describe great sex as “spiritual” and utter “Oh God!” during climax. To deny the spiritual hunger hidden within the sexual impulse is to set ourselves up for a never-ending cycle that only leads to desperation, despair and bondage.

God is not mad at you if you are struggling with sexual compulsion. In fact, that secret, hidden place of your greatest struggle, failure or shame is exactly where God wants to meet you and give you a great gift. I should know. It happened to me.

Michael John Cusick is the author of “Surfing for God: Discovering the Divine Desire Beneath Sexual Struggle” (Thomas Nelson, Inc.). An ordained minister, spiritual director and Licensed Professional Counselor, he is the founder of Restoring the Soul, a ministry providing soul care to Christian leaders. Michael currently serves as an adjunct professor at Denver Seminary. He holds an M.A. in Biblical Counseling from Colorado Christian University and an M.A. from the College of Education at the University of Denver. Michael lives with his wife, Julianne, and two children, in Littleton, Colorado.

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Age-Appropriate Equipping

Saw this on Pure Hope’s blog and found it appropriate for those of us who would like to begin discussing healthy sexuality with our children.  Keep in mind that it is very difficult for the Holy Spirit to work through us to teach our kids about sexual purity, if we are sexually acting out and being sexually impure!  Parents, fight the good fight to maintain your sexual purity and live by example to your children!  Tomorrow’s post will give some advice to those parents who have discovered their child looking at pornography….

At the heart of our purePARENTING message is the idea that parents need to equip–not just protect–their kids as they grow up in a sexualized culture.  Even before they leave the house to start life on their own, our kids are interacting with the culture outside of our presence–at school, on the bus, at practice, in friends’ homes, etc.  That’s when it becomes necessary that they have been equipped to understand God’s will for them (Ephesians 5:17), to understand the lies they are exposed to (2 Corinthians 2:11), and to think and act purely in a God-honoring way (Psalm 119:9).  They need to be established in a life of prayer, understanding, resolve, and engagement.

This equipping begins early (earlier than most parents realize), and should continue in age-appropriate ways.  We’ve produced a brief document to assist parents in cultivating purity of heart and mind in their kids, whether their child is just learning to walk, or ready to walk through a graduation ceremony.  These talking points and ideas will get you started in preparing your kids to pursue God’s purposes for their lives.

For more on equipping your kids to pursue holiness, purity, and sanctification as sexual beings bearing the image of God, check out Jim Burns’ book Teaching Your Children Healthy Sexuality: A Biblical Approach to Prepare Them for Life, which offers more insight, talking points, strategies, and conversation starters for equipping your kids in today’s culture.

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Castimonia Monday Night Meeting Topic – Step 9 Step Study

Step 9: We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
“Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.  Honor one another above yourselves.  If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:10,18)

Today’s meeting is the first meeting of the month which is typically a “Step Study” of the corresponding month.  Since September is the 9th month, we reviewed Step 9 in both The Twelve Steps for Christians and the SAA Green Book.

I believe the most important reason to make amends is to clean up “our side of the street.”  When we make amends to others, we are not asking for their forgiveness, we are simply taking ownership of what we did to wrong them and offering to “pay” for the damage we caused.  This “payment” can be done in terms of actual money or other non-financial reparations that need to be made in order to offset the damage we have done, such as being emotionally present if we were emotionally absent in our addiction.

In making amends, we do not concern ourselves with the out come of the amends or the other person’s reaction.  Their reaction is not a reflection on how well or poorly we made amends, that is their business and none of ours.  Our only task in making amends is to take ownership for what we did wrong and make amends as previously mentioned.

Some of the best amends we can make to others are what are called “living amends” or basically a change in lifestyle.  When our friends, family, etc… see that we are now living a different lifestyle filled with gratitude and thanksgiving, then our amends become living.  The change that began in the first few steps is now seen as evident when we make amends to others.  This change continues as we grow in maturity and in connection with God.

Finally, we must understand the second part of step 9 – except when to do those would injure them or others.  This is extremely important if our amends to certain individuals will harm them more than do good.  Perhaps they no long wish to have any contact with us, therefore, we respect their decisions and make amends privately, written in a letter form, to our Sponsor.  This is also true for those of us who are married and wish to make amends to old acting-out partners.  Amends to these past partners should only be done if our spouse approves of the amends and method, and maybe tags along too!  Many spouses do not want the addict to make contact with old acting-out partners, which is a completely acceptable request from the spouse.  In these cases, we also write letters to our old acting out partners and read those amends letters to our sponsor.

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Video – Mark’s Story

Mark Laaser speaks about his Sexual Addiction

Watch Mark’s story of sexual addiction recovery, and access all the available resources for all types of addiction recovery at http://www.addiction2recovery.com

Dr. Mark Laaser holds a PhD in religion and psychology from the University of Iowa and an MDiv from Princeton Theological Seminary.  He is an internationally known author and speaker who has written six books, including Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction, Talking to Your Kids About Sex, and The Pornography Trap.  He is also an adjunct faculty member at several graduate schools.  He and Debbie started Faithful and True Ministries to counsel couples healing from sexual addiction.

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Help Me Save My Marriage! My Husband Watches Porn!

Help Me Save My Marriage! My Husband Watches Porn!
by Ella Hutchinson, LPC, CCSAS
Originally Published on June 28, 2012 at Breaking Free Blog

 When sexual addiction has not progressed beyond pornography, this may be even more dangerous and damaging to a marriage than when acting-out behaviors include sex acts with other people.

This may not seem to make sense. Surely, after doing research on sex addiction, many wives of porn addicts are relieved that their husband hasn’t done some of the extreme behaviors they have read about. They may even question if they are overreacting to his use of porn. It doesn’t help if friends and even counselors tell them this is “normal” behavior, and they should accept it and stop making mountains out of molehills. In reality this act that is seen as harmless by so many and perpetuated by society as completely acceptable. It is indeed extremely common, and well over half of men (including Christian men) look at porn, whether occasionally or daily.

Most people do not recognize the damage that is being done to a man’s brain when he exposes himself to this obscenity, whether sporadically or compulsively.

While my focus here will be on porn addiction, any women whose husband uses porn will find some helpful information here. Even when pornography use has not become an addiction, it is damaging and a wife has every right to insist her husband stop using porn. If he is unable to stop, this is a sign the problem could be more serious than it seems.

Meet Leah and John

Leah came to me after twenty years of marriage. She had recently learned about her husband’s pornography use. She had caught him a few times before, but was too focused on caring for three children, including one with serious health problems, to make too much of an issue of it. She didn’t like it, but like so many, she assumed there was nothing she could do about it.

However, by the time I met Leah, she had come to realize the issue was much bigger than she could have imagined. John was looking at porn at home, at work, and on business trips. Leah had found bills from pay-per-view movies in hotels, charges to porn sites on their credit card statement, and finally John admitted to using porn on his work laptop.

Leah knew John’s career was at risk, as was their financial stability, and of course their marriage. As she was consumed with caring for their children she hadn’t paid much attention to the fact that John’s sexual attraction to her had all but disappeared. She even pushed aside comments that she was not attractive enough or exciting enough in bed. Although these statements were incredibly hurtful, she just didn’t have the time to allow herself to dwell on it.

Leah’s Growing Conviction

As Leah’s children grew older she began to notice more distance on the part of her husband. She began to recognize how he had abandoned her when their daughter was sick and immersed himself in work and the Internet. The things Leah stumbled across on their home computer could just have easily have been discovered by one of their kids. When Leah confronted John all she got was comments about how all men look at porn, that she was overreacting, and that if she satisfied him then he wouldn’t have to turn to porn.

Finally, after researching sex and porn addiction Leah persuaded John to attend a twelve step meeting for sex addicts. John came back relieved at how much worse off so many of these guys were than he was. After all, he had not physically stepped outside the marriage. But Leah’s sense of betrayal was very real and only increased as John tried to justify and rationalize his behavior.

She tried reaching out to a friend who told her that her husband also looked at porn and that Leah should just ignore it. “All men do it.” Her pastor simply told her to have more sex with her husband and spend more time on her wardrobe, hair and make-up. A counselor told Leah to be more open-minded and try watching porn with her husband. Leah did try once, but it was uncomfortable for her and didn’t feel right. She never did it again. Still Leah went back and forth, questioning whether she was overreacting.

Will John Ever Change?

When Leah came to me I explained how porn affects a person’s brain and increases his lack of ability to experience intimacy. I explained how so often porn causes a man to prefer masturbation and images on the computer to his wife, no matter how objectively attractive he may find her. Healthy, monogamous sex is often no longer exciting or fulfilling. Even if there is still an active sex life within the marriage, a woman is likely to experience a lack of emotional connection and feel like her husband is not fully present with her. He may try to get her to parade around in lingerie or pressure her to participate in sex acts that she is uncomfortable with. Sometimes a wife refuses to join in on these activities. Other times she feels it is her duty as a wife to satisfy her husband in whatever way he wishes or that if she cooperates she will be able to keep him from straying. Unfortunately, this simply does not work and in fact, she in unaware that by accommodating her husband’s unhealthy desires she is participating in his acting out and could be fueling his addiction.

Over time, with Leah’s persistence, and by attending the group meetings, John was willing to admit he had an addiction. Leah insisted on an intensive for couples dealing with sex addiction and John agreed. During the disclosure and polygraph it came out that John had been looking at porn habitually since before they even met. This debunked John’s argument that his porn use had anything to do with Leah. Leah felt empowered by this, but during the intensive John admitted he was not confident he was even a sex addict. Leah was devastated.

Normalizing Behavior

See, a man who has acted out with prostitutes, has had multiple affairs, sex with random women he met online, when he has to write down all his sexual behavior in his lifetime, can no longer live in denial. He is more likely to quickly recognize the extent of his actions and the damage he has caused to himself and those around him, especially his wife. Men like John have an easier time normalizing their behavior. Reading books about sex addiction can be comforting as they learn stories of men getting arrested for using prostitutes, blowing their life savings on acting out, and participate in activities such as group sex. I recommend starting out with the book, Every Man’s Battle, for men struggling with porn addiction alone.

It is important to note that sex addiction is progressive, and men who compulsively use pornography are likely to eventually act out with another person if they have not already. Some red flags are e-mails and chatting with women online, posting or responding to ads on Craigslist, and unaccounted for time and money. While e-mails with plans to meet up with another woman or texts about sexual escapades may seem like obvious evidence that he has been physically unfaithful, it is shocking to me how many men are able to convince their wives that they did not follow through on these things and never planned to. He was just curious, just found the flirting exciting, doesn’t know why he did it but would never go outside the marriage. Perhaps, but probably not. What’s the expression about a smoking gun? Listen to your intuition, ladies.

Leah Sets Boundaries

So what did Leah do? She joined a therapist-led support group for wives of sex addicts and continued individual counseling for herself. She learned how to set boundaries. She insisted John sleep in the guest room and gave him a firm time frame of when he had to turn around his behavior or would have to move out. She made it clear what her expectations were of John. Some of these were individual counseling, regular twelve step meetings, regular polygraph tests, intensive aftercare, and eventually marriage counseling. She stopped checking up on John and sat back and watched to see if he would follow through with his commitments, as she turned more of her focus to finding healing from her own trauma.

Leah not only made it clear that the pornography must stop, but that John must also change the way he treated her and become more patient and humble in his dealings with her. When John did not treat her with the respect she knew she deserved, she calmly told him she would not engage in his manipulation or verbal abuse and that he could talk to her when he was ready to apologize and treat her properly. Then she walked away.

Most importantly, Leah learned about and implemented great self-care. In addition to her support group and counseling, she began taking daily walks that turned into jogs. She discovered that journaling was an excellent way to get out her feelings and when she was angry or sad she would write until she got it all out. Leah also learned that if she did not start her day with prayer and Bible study, she would not have the strength to handle her situation, but that these practices made it possible for her to get through anything, knowing her Heavenly Father was by her side.

John has not acted out sexually since the couple’s intensive six months ago. He just passed his last polygraph test. He is still struggling with expressing intimacy and empathy, but Leah holds out hope that with continued counseling, which he has embraced with open arms, he will get where he needs to be. She recognizes that this is a process and that while she is not obligated to stay, she has decided at this point it is what is best for her and her children. She doesn’t know what the future holds, but trusts God to lead her where she needs to be.

. . . .

Ella Hutchinson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Certified Clinical Sexual Addiction Specialist in Houston, Texas. She also serves on the Board for the International Association of Christian Sexual Addiction Specialists. You can learn more about Ella’s counseling practice, couple’s intensives, and support groups for wives of sex addicts on her website ComfortChristianCounseling.com.