Disclosure is the worst best day of my life. I know it is the worst day of my wife’s life. I can’t believe this is actually the right thing to do.
sexual addiction
Journal Through Recovery Entry 29: God Remove My Flaws
I am a 12 stepping machine. I am ready for step 7. I humbly (can’t you just sense my humility) ask God to remove all my shortcomings. Working with my sponsor, I wrote out a prayer, listing each of my defects of character. I am ready to turn them over. I have done a searching and fearless moral inventory and have identified all of them! I rock!
My wife and I took a walk around the lake tonight. I couldn’t wait to tell her what happened at work! I had been notified of a possible promotion opportunity. We would get to move, to start fresh, with a new and larger role for me. Sounds like an incredible idea, right? She would agree this was brilliant thinking on my part.
Not so much. She asked me if I were really that clueless. Did I want to jeopardize my recovery by losing my entire support system? Did I want to uproot our kids after the turmoil of the last year? Uhmmmm…no I think? Did I not remember that she had just gotten a job she liked and was building security for herself in case I went back to what I was? Ok, obviously that part slipped my mind. She told me that maybe I should really pray about it and see if this was God working or the same old me. Ouch.
God, we have to have a talk. I thought these character defects were gone? I identified all of them. Doesn’t that mean they no longer have power over me? I guess I missed one. Or a lot. Or is that really how this works?
So back to that humble word. I actually took this to God. I searched out His Word and went back to this verse also listed in the Castimonia book for Step 7. I think its apt.
If we exalt ourselves, He will humble us, if we remain humble, He will exalt us. – Luke 18:9-14
A few weeks ago, my counselor told me he thought I still had pride. He didn’t exactly know were, but he just felt like it was there. I really didn’t think he was right. I knew I had identified all my shortcomings and I was where I needed to be. Only, that isn’t really how it works.
The pride was still there, and God decided that was the right time to remind me. He used my wife to illuminate it for me. See, this was a pattern for me. A long standing character defect. In my life, I have constantly looked for other jobs, no matter what my job status. I have told myself and others that I was just being pragmatic. I was trying to stay a step ahead and not get surprised if my job was made redundant, or if someone decided I didn’t belong anymore. Only…that wasn’t it. I was looking for affirmation. I wanted to hear that I was wanted, needed, valued. Instead of going to the one who could fill that desire, I followed my own selfish, prideful path. I could find value in what I did and so could others. I had my self worth and my identity tied to what I did, not to whom I belonged.
I was exalting myself, and He did exactly what He said He would do. He humbled me. Thank you Lord, for reminding me of that defect of character. Pride is one of my character defects. Thankfully, I know.
Castimonia Purity Podcast Episode 43: Interview With Tony Ingrassia – Power of Purity
Tony is the founder of the “Power of Purity” ministries, and he is a fellow podcaster in the fight for sexual purity. This conversation highlights his story and the work that God has done in his life, ministry, and marriage.
He talks about practical approaches to recovery and marriage. He gives a “real” and straight take on fighting for sexual purity and keeping the “holy vow” of marriages.
For more information on his podcast, conferences, books, and ministry, please visit the powerofpurity.org.
Please email us directly for more information at puritypodcast@castimonia.org for more information. We would love to hear from you. Remember that you are not walking this road of recovery alone!
Forgiveness
Boundaries and Emotional Blackmail
http://www.boundariesbooks.com/boundaries/boundaries-emotional-blackmail/
by:
“Every time I disagree with my mother, even on little things, I feel this terrible sense that she’s not there anymore,” mused Ingrid over coffee with her friend Alice. “It’s like she’s hurt and withdrawn, and I can’t get her back. It’s really a horrible feeling to think you’ve lost someone you love.”
Let’s be honest. None of us enjoys being told no. It’s difficult to accept another person’s refusal to give support, to be intimate, or to forgive. Yet good relationships are built on the freedom to refuse and confront. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”
Good relationships are built on appropriate no’s. Even when we’re children, young or old, we need to know our boundaries will be honored. It is crucial that our disagreements, our practicing of saying no, and our experimentation will not result in a withdrawal of love.
How often do we hear the statement that “God loves the sinner, but hates the sin”? It’s true. His love is constant and never fails. When parents detach from a misbehaving young child instead of staying connected and dealing with the problem, God’s constant love is misrepresented.
When parents pull away in hurt, disappointment, or passive rage, they are sending this message to their youngster: You’re loveable when you behave. You aren’t loveable when you don’t behave. A child translates that message something like this: When I’m good, I am loved. When I’m bad, I am cut off.
God created people with a need for attachment and relationship. In essence, parents who pull away from their child, whether young or old, practice spiritual and emotional blackmail. The child can either pretend to not disagree and keep the relationship, or he can continue to separate and lose his most important relationship in the world. Thus, he will most likely keep quiet.
Children whose parents withdraw when they start setting limits learn to accentuate and develop their compliant, loving, sensitive parts. At the same time, they learn to fear, distrust, and hate their aggressive, truth-telling, and separate parts. If someone they love pulls away when they become angry, cantankerous, or experimental, children learn to hide these parts of themselves.
Parents who tell their children, “It hurts us when you’re angry” make the child responsible for the emotional health of the parent. In effect, the child has just been made the parent of the parent— sometimes at two or three years old. It’s far, far better to say, “I know you’re angry, but you still can’t have that toy.” And then to take your hurt feelings to a spouse, friend, or the Lord.
By nature, children are omnipotent. They live in a world where the sun shines because they were good, and it rains because they were naughty. Children will give up this omnipotence gradually over time, as they learn that needs and events besides theirs are important. But during the early years, this omnipotence plays right into boundary injury. When children feel parents withdrawing, they readily believe that they are responsible for Mom and Dad’s feelings. That’s what omnipotent means: “I am powerful enough to make Mom and Dad pull away. I’d better watch it.”
A parent’s emotional withdrawal can be subtle: A hurt tone of voice. Long silences for no reason. Or it can be overt: Crying spells. Illness. Yelling. Children of parents like these grow up to be adults who are terrified that setting boundaries will cause severe isolation and abandonment.
Please don’t misunderstand this. Parents setting boundaries with their children is crucial. Children need to know behavioral lines that should not be crossed. They need to suffer biblical, age-appropriate consequences for acting out. (In fact, when parents do not set and maintain good boundaries with their children, the children suffer another type of boundary injury.
What we’re talking about here isn’t allowing the child free rein. Parents need to stay attached and connected to their children even when they disagree with them. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t get angry. It means they shouldn’t withdraw.
