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Men and Their Father Wounds

Men and Their Father Wounds

by applyingmybeliefs

(This is from a book I’m working on for group facilitators – Tomorrow I’ll look at Women and Father Wounds)

How we connect with our earthly fathers affects our entire life.  It gives us some of our perspective on God, it teaches us about bonding with men and it provides us with guidance on how to conduct life.  All of these can be highly positive, disastrously negative or somewhere in between.  When the father-son relationship is more to the negative end of the spectrum, it is said to cause father wounds.

Listen to some things men have said on this subject:

James – When my father was home, he wasn’t home.  He read the newspaper and shouted at us kids if we were too noisy.  I grew up just like him, angry and isolated.

Bill – Dad left at 5 every day and came home after 7.  He missed all my baseball games.  When we were all grown, my mom divorced him.  I still don’t have a relationship with him.  In fact I resent him, and I don’t care.  I hope I don’t do that when I’m a dad.

Robert – Oh yeah, father wounds!  I’ve got them, my dad sexually abused me, I can’t trust men, but I am physically attracted to them.  Where was God?  The whole thing sickens me.

Lucius – When I think of my father, I think of drinking.  I think that’s where I got my drug problem from.  And the women, he had a problem with that too; broke my mom’s heart.  I don’t know where he is.  Don’t talk to me about God, and if He is like my father, I don’t want to know him.

Roberto – My so-called dad beat my mom up, right in front of me.  And when I was 13 I stood up to him and he beat me up too.  So I went and got some of my gang friends and had him beaten up.  He never hurt me or mom again.  If it hadn’t been for him I wouldn’t have gotten into my gang as a kid and gone to Juvie and jail.  Now I’m clean and out, I ought to go confront him, but I hate the man.  You asked about God, it was God that let him beat my mom all those years, what kind of God is that?

We all know that sociologist’s research has proven over and over again that the quality of relationship a father has with his son is a large factor in determining the son’s character, personality and behaviors.  We also know that the absence of a father in a home is highly correlated with the probability of a son becoming a welfare recipient, having children outside of a committed relationship, dropping out of school and/or becoming a criminal; all antisocial problems.

Today then we want to discuss your relationship with your father using these questions:

  • How was your relationship with your dad, and how did it impact your view of God?
  • Do you have father wounds, and what are they?
  • What attitudes or behaviors of yours can you tie to your father wounds?

 

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Journal Through Recovery Entry 30: Being Known

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. – excerpt from The Promises, adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous

My niece got married this weekend, my brother’s daughter. The wedding was beautiful. I had the opportunity to toast the new bride and groom. I said some things…don’t go to bed angry, support and love each other, innocuous words. Flowery words. Words with meaning but without depth or any of my truth. I told myself later that I didn’t want to say anything further because I didn’t want to embarrass my wife, my brother, or really myself. I held back.

My sister and her daughters stayed with us over the weekend for the wedding. I relished the time with my younger sister, getting to be a big brother again and an uncle to my nieces. Sharing and laughing and being serious about the future care of our parents, how we had gotten to this point in our lives, good memories, bad ones. But not too bad or too in depth.

Late on Saturday, we were just all laying on our bed. It was my wife, my sister, and me. We were talking about the past year, about how difficult it had been, the impact on my kids. But not too in depth. My wife and sister were talking. I was participating as well, or so I thought. It was a great conversation. But not too challenging. Safe.

That night, my wife asked me a question. Why can’t you be more open with your story? Why are you holding back? I had ready answers. It wasn’t a safe situation. I didn’t feel the Holy Spirit telling me to share. I didn’t think I had anything to add.

I told my sponsor about this conversation a couple days later. He asked me why didn’t I feel comfortable sharing? I answered with similar words: I wasn’t comfortable, I didn’t feel the Holy Spirit’s urging. I didn’t think it was the right time. He asked me if that was really it? Or was I like Mary, Martha, and the disciples in John 11. Did I not trust God enough?

In John 11, Lazarus died. Jesus’ friend Lazarus died. Jesus knew he would die but he didn’t rush back to save him. He wanted to do something different. To use Lazarus dying for His glory in His timing. So He came back and raised him from the dead, as only He could. Ok, I get it. He saved me from death and addiction as only He could.

My sponsor told me exactly. That’s what He did. He did it for His glory so all would know that only He could save from death and destruction. Every day that I was unwilling to share my story, I was suppressing God’s ability to bring glory to Him saving me from death and destruction and addiction as only He could.

I brought this up with my counselor who reminded me of truths he had previously shared. There are three tests for determining whether or not I should share my story. They are:

    • Do I need to tell my story to get more out of me, to benefit me
    • Do I need to tell my story to benefit the other person
    • Is my story relevant to the situation

Damn. I missed an opportunity. Sometimes truths are not comfortable or safe or nice to hear or pretty or reassuring. Sometimes they are convicting. By not being open with my story and determining whether or not I should share, I am not allowing God to use it for His purpose. I am wasting the good works He has done in my life. God, I am sorry. I will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. I will use your opportunities to share my story, not for my glory but for yours.

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Castimonia Purity Podcast Episode 44: Learning To Forgive Yourself – Sex Addiction Recovery

Jorge and Doug discuss the aspects of forgiveness in recovering from sexual addiction. They focus on the power of accepting the forgiveness of God through the power of Jesus on the cross. 

They focus on practical ways to separate forgiveness from forgetting, and how to use our memory of who we once were as a defense against temptation.

For more information about this podcast or sex addiction recovery, please visit castimonia.org or email us at
puritypodcast@castimonia.org

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Betrayal

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Click here to view the Star Wars Redemption Trilogy on why Anakin Skywalker turned to the Dark Side of the Force and his later redemption.

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How To Resolve Boundary Problems With Family

Genesis 2:24 – “A man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.”

“You wouldn’t believe how she is with him,” Dan said. “She totally focuses on his every wish. When he criticizes her, she tries harder. And she practically ignores me. I’m tired of being the ‘second man’ in her life.”

Dan wasn’t talking about Jane’s lover. He was talking about her father. Dan was tired of feeling like Jane cared more about her father’s wishes than his.

This is a common sign of a lack of boundaries with family: the spouse feels like he gets leftovers. He feels as if his mate’s real allegiance is to her parents. This spouse hasn’t completed the “leaving before cleaving” process; she has a boundary problem. God has designed the process whereby a “man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (see Genesis 2:24). The Hebrew word for “leave” comes from a root word that means to “loosen,” or to relinquish or forsake. For marriage to work, the spouse needs to loosen her ties with her family of origin and forge new ones with the new family she is creating through marriage.

This does not mean that husbands and wives shouldn’t have a relationship with their extended families. But they do need to set clear boundaries with their families of origin. Many marriages fail because one partner fails to set clear boundaries with family, and the spouse and children get leftovers. Establishing boundaries with family is a tough task, but one with great reward. It is a process with distinguishable steps:

1. Identify the Need That Drives the Conflict
You do not act in inappropriate ways for no reason. You are often trying to meet some underlying need that your family of origin did not meet. Maybe we are still entangled because of a need to be loved, or approved of, or accepted. You must face this deficit and accept that it can only be met in your new family of God, those who are now your true “mother, father, brothers, and sisters,” those who do God’s will and can love you the way he designed.

2. Practice Boundary Skills
Your boundary skills are fragile and new. You can’t take them immediately into a difficult situation. Practice them in situations where they will be honored and respected. Begin saying no to people in your supportive group who will love and respect your boundaries. When you are recovering from a physical injury, you do not pick up the heaviest weight first. You build up to the heavy stuff. Look at it as you would physical therapy.

3. Say No to the Bad
In addition to practicing new skills in safe situations, avoid hurtful situations. When you are in the beginning stages of recovery, you need to avoid people who have abused and controlled you in the past.

When you think you are ready to reestablish a relationship with someone who has been abusive and controlling in the past, bring a friend or supporter along. Be aware of your pull toward hurtful situations and relationships. The injury you are recovering from is serious, and you can’t reestablish a relationship until you have the proper tools. Be careful to not get sucked into a controlling situation again because your wish for reconciliation is so strong.

Today’s content is drawn from Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Copyright 2014 by Zondervan; all rights reserved. Visit BoundariesBooks.com for more information.