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My World Just Fell Apart: Now What?

originally posted: http://porntopurity.com/blog/2013/05/08/my-world-just-fell-apart-now-what/

You just found out your husband has been living a secret life.  Whether it was Internet pornography, fantasy, strip clubs or prostitution, maybe even an affair…the truth is out.  Life as you knew it has been turned upside and you are paralyzed with fear.  Where do you even begin?

These are the things I wish someone would have said to me in the first few weeks to follow:

I am so sorry this is happening to you.  This is unlike any pain you’ve ever known. The consequences of your husband’s sin has ensnared you as well.  It isn’t fair.  You did not deserve this.  It is not your fault.

God has not abandoned you or your husband.  He knew this day would come.  He has actually made provisions to care for you in very specific ways during this season of your marriage.  Seek Him hourly.  Write down verses that speak of his loving kindness towards you.  Trust His promises.  Don’t stop praying.  Don’t push Him away for letting this happen to you.  Looking back, I believe Jeff getting caught was the best thing that ever happened to our marriage.  It was a necessary event so repentance and true healing could began. I’d much rather live in a painful reality where hope exists than in a blissful lie.

You need to share your pain with someone.  Our society and our church has made sexual sin a secret sin, which only makes it more destructive.  Find a Christian woman that you can be real with.  Let her pray with you and share Scripture with you.  Let the Body of Christ minister to you.  Some people do not know how to respond to a revelation like this – they may not know what to say.  They may not be able to deal with it and their silence will be painful for you.  Prayerfully, find someone else that you can confide in. Ask them to check on you daily.  When your world is broken, the loneliness is unbelievable but the truth is a Christian is never alone.  The Holy Spirit it always there to minister to your heart.  And a Christian friend is like the shoulder of Christ.

Don’t share your story with everyone.  Don’t use this as an opportunity to show the world how sick your husband is.  Don’t punish him by pointing out his sin to others.  Don’t set yourself up as the victim.  It’s not that you don’t deserve comfort. You do, but not at the expense of your husband.  Be very careful with your righteous anger.   In reality, his sin is no different than yours.  Prayerfully determine who you should share your story with.  What is your motivation to share?  If it is to publicize his sin, stop.  Let God handle the consequences of his sin. That is His territory.  Your job is to focus on the healing power of God in your own heart.

Your marriage can survive this.  Others have.  Mine has.  It may help to read books from those who have been on a similar journey.  I was really comforted when I realized that others had felt similar feelings of abandonment and hopelessness.  I was encouraged by what they had learned from the Lord.  In some ways, I feel that reading their story motivated me along the path of grieving rather than staying stuck in that pit of hopelessness.

Seek Christian counseling.  Find a Christian counselor who specializes in sex addiction or intimacy issues.  It may be expensive, but the insight you will receive from a counselor knowledgeable in this area will be priceless.  We struggled whether we couldn’t afford our Christian counselor, but in the end, I didn’t think we could afford not to go.  I was determined to address our issues head on.  Our entire marriage was hanging in the balance.

If Christian counseling is not an option, find out what resources are available to you?  Do any churches in your area have a Celebrate Recover y group or sexual addiction ministry?  Find out what they have available for the spouses.

Don’t blame yourself.  I can’t speak from experience here, because unlike most wives, I didn’t blame myself at all.  I didn’t feel guilty or unattractive.  I was just mad.  And then I felt sad for my husband, my self, others who were in bondage in secret.   But I understand that many women, most women,  feel devastated to know their husband was “cheating on them” whether it be physically or emotionally.  Be assured, this has much more to do with your husband and how he views himself than it has to do with how he views you.

Don’t make any major decisions or changes.  You are on an emotional roller coaster and just getting through a day may seem a chore.  Do not try to make any major decisions regarding your marriage, your future, or your home during this tender time.  Because we were in ministry, our denominational  leaders pressured my husband to leave the area.  In hind sight, the additional drama of selling a home and relocating to another area was not in our family’s best interest at the time.   The priority should be on allowing Jesus to do some major spiritual surgery so he can begin to heal your wounds and your marriage.  Everything else is secondary.

Above all, just take it one step at a time, knowing the Lord walks with you all the way.

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Codependency: A Family Perspective Part V

Codependency: A Family Perspective Part V

The following are statements which portray relationally addictive people(#19-25):

19. Our self-esteem is critically low. Deep inside we do not believe we deserve to be happy. Rather, we believe we must earn the right to enjoy life. We forget that we were all created equal and by the same maker.
20. Having experienced little security in childhood, we have a desperate need to control people, outcomes, and relationships. We mask our efforts to control people and situations as “being helpful.”
21. In a relationship we are more in touch with our dream of how it could be rather than with the reality of how it is. We don’t want to hear the little voice inside that tells us what is!
22. We are addicted to a person, people, and/or to emotional pain. This is not because we enjoy pain, but it is familiar; we understand it; it is all we know.
23. We may be emotionally and/or biochemically predisposed to addictions to substances, food, gambling, sex, etc.
24. Drawn to people with problems or to chaotic, uncertain, or emotionally painful situations, we avoid focusing on our responsibility to ourselves: to become all of the potential we were given!
25. Since we have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, it is easier to be concerned with others rather than with ourselves. This prevents us from looking at our ourselves. We give away our personal power!
From “Codependency: A Family Perspective” by Robin Norwood

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Codependency: A Family Perspective Part IV

Codependency: A Family Perspective Part IV

The following are statements which portray relationally addictive people(#8-18):

8. We may tend toward episodes of depression and/or anxiety. We try to forestall these episodes through the excitement of an emotionally unstable relationship or through addictive behaviors.
9. We are not attracted to a person who is kind, stable, reliable, and interested in us. We find “nice” people boring or unattractive.
10. We “stuff” our feelings and have lost the ability to identify or express what we feel.
11. We tend to become isolated from people and become afraid of authority figures.
12. We become approval seekers and lose our identity in the process.
13. We can’t stand it when people are angry at us. We hate criticism! We get defensive and “explain” ourselves in an attempt to show the other person how they are wrong.
14. Our world view is that of the victim. We sense and gravitate towards people whom we will allow ourselves to be victimized by.
15. We judge ourselves harshly. We use a more lenient yardstick to judge others.
16. We experience guilt when we stand up for ourselves. To avoid guilt, we give in to others.
17. We confuse love and empathy/pity and tend to think we “love” people we can pity and rescue.
18. We are reactors to life rather than creators of life.

From “Codependency: A Family Perspective” by Robin Norwood (list cont’d tomorrow)

“How much easier it is to be critical than to be correct.” – Benjamin Disraeli

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Codependency: A Family Perspective Part III

Codependency: A Family Perspective Part III

The following are statements which portray relationally addictive people(#1-7):

  1. We come from a dysfunctional home in which our emotional needs were not met.
  2. Having received little real nurturing ourselves, we try to vicariously fill this unmet need by becoming a caregiver, especially toward people who appear needy.
  3. Because we were never able to change our parents into the warm, loving care takers we longed for, we respond deeply to the emotionally unavailable person whom we find familiar and whom we try to change (to give us what we need) through our love.
  4. Terrified of abandonment, we will do anything to hold on to a relationship and avoid painful abandonment feelings. We first experienced these feelings while living with people who were never there emotionally for us. Most often, we were not aware that we were not getting what we needed!
  5. Almost nothing is too much trouble, takes too much time, or is too expensive if it will “help” the person we are involved with. Our thoughts are other-oriented rather than self-oriented.
  6. Accustomed to lack of love in personal relationships, we are willing to wait, hope and try harder to please.
  7. We are willing to take far more than 50 percent of the responsibility, guilt and blame in any relationship.

From “Codependency: A Family Perspective” by Robin Norwood (list cont’d tomorrow)

“Don’t sacrifice yourself too much, because if you sacrifice too much there’s nothing else you can give and nobody will care for you.” – Karl Lagerfeld

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Codependency: A Family Perspective – Part II

Codependency: A Family Perspective – Part II
People suffering from drug or alcohol-related codependency disorders often experience themselves as being caught up in a treadmill existence. Whether or not goals are achieved there is a driven compulsion for more. An anxious feeling of incompleteness or emptiness remains no matter what is accomplished. Health problems may also exist: migraine headaches, gastrointestinal disturbances, colitis, ulcers, high blood pressure, and many other high stress-related physical illnesses. Stress related illness is not “only in your head.” It is stress-induced physical alteration of the body. It is real. Emotional problems such as depression, anxiety, insomnia, and hyperactivity may also be evident in codependent individuals. These disorders have a physical basis. They are chemical imbalances in the brain. In other words, our cognitive/emotional state impacts upon our physical being. We are a holistic mind-body system. Codependent individuals experienced a traumatically empty childhood. Their present-day relationships are empty. They attempt to use others, their mates, friends, and children, as their source of identity, self-esteem, value and well-being in an attempt to restore childhood emotional losses. Most codependent individuals are unaware that they are doing so. Having constructed a more idyllic existence, many codependent individuals are completely unaware that their childhood was troubled! From “Codependency: A Family Perspective” by Robin Norwood

“People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within.” – Ramona L. Anderson