CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Everyone Deserves Forgiveness

forgivenessMany people seem to have a misunderstanding about what it really means to forgive someone for a wrong done to them. The first thing I want to point out is… forgiveness is NOT a gift you give to another, but rather something you do inside of yourself, for yourself. The other person need never know. You can choose to extend forgiveness to the other person, if that is your choice, but it is not necessary in order to forgive inside of yourself and heal the pain you carry for a wrong another has done to you or that has affected you. Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation – nor does it mean you have to allow a behavior that can hurt you to continue to hurt you. Forgiveness is, in essence, the acknowledgment inside of yourself that the person who has wronged you in some way is a fallible human being – and that, like a human being, they made a mistake worthy of your forgiveness. …everyone deserves forgiveness inside of themselves, because to hold on to old wounds defeats you as a person. It closes off a part of your heart and self that you cannot give to anyone else as long as you hang on to the anger and bitterness that remains in you when you do not forgive. From “Forgiveness – the Gift You Give Yourself”
http://voices.yahoo.com/forgiveness-gift-give-yourself-84466.html?cat=5

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” – Mahatma Gandhi

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Thoughts on Why We Have Same-Sex Fantasies

Because some of the men who attend Castimonia struggle with what is called, Unwanted Same Sex Attraction (SSA) I thought this write-up would be helpful.

Originally posted: http://porntopurity.com/blog/2013/06/29/thoughts-on-why-we-have-same-sex-fantasies/

I’m reading a great book by Shannon Ethridge called The Fantasy Fallacy: Exposing the Deeper Meaning Behind Sexual Thoughts.  So many of us are fighting the battles of masturbation, The-Fantasy-Fallacy-Cover-thumpornography and illicit relationships, but strongly losing the battles of the mind.

I want to get better at this. I also want to learn about what drives my fantasy life.

– In chapter 7, called “Grappling With Gay and Lesbian Fantasies”, Ethridge shares some reasons why men and women turn to gay porn and gay relationships.  (140-142)

MEN AND WOMEN

The “Rebel” Factor – we reject our parents’ spiritual and sexual values and form our own.

The “Ghost” Principle – we lost a significant same-sex figure in our past and are trying to make up for it.

The “Fix Me” Factor – a partner can fix our dysfunctional past in sexual ways.

The “Cannibal” Effect – we admire the strong character traits in another and interpret our feelings as a sexual attraction.

 

MEN

The “Aggression” Effect – we take our anger in sexual ways toward others.

The “Punish Me” Principle – our guilt and shame drive us to invite abuse.

The “No Strings” Factor – it is easy in the gay community to be sexual without relational commitment.

 

WOMEN

The “Pinnacle” Principle – the beauty of the female body inspires the highest art, music, and literature… and us.

The “3-D” Effect – the curves of the female body are more interesting than the straighter body of the man.

The “Safe Refuge” Effect – we run to female figures for comfort.

The “Familiarity” Factor – we run to female figures for relationships and emotional empathy.

The “Danger / Default” Factor – we don’t feel safe around men (usually because of abuse).

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OTHER HELPFUL LINKS I interviewed Shannon Ethridge about her book on my Top Resources For Sexual Purity Podcast  LISTEN HERE (36 min)

BOOK REVIEW – Jeff Fisher of PorntoPurity.com reviews The Fantasy Fallacy

KEY CHAPTERS SUMMARIZED Bartering With Our Bodies (Ch. 5) When “One Flesh” Isn’t Enough Flesh (Ch. 6) Grappling With Gay and Lesbian Fantasies (Ch. 7) Our Fascination With Pleasure, Pain and Power (Ch. 8)

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Men Mourning Divorce

The sad reality, as a consequence of our acting out behaviors, some marriages will end in divorce.  This post is for those men who have lost their wives in an effort to help them heal.

DivorceRecovering from any major loss requires a mourning period, and divorce is no exception. Grieving a divorce is an intensely personal process and is different for everyone depending on unique situational and personal factors. A healthy mourning process is typically thought to include recognizing and verbalizing the meaning of a loss and its associated feelings. However, men deal with relationships and stress differently than women, and often are not as verbally expressive. Should men really be expected to mourn in the same way as women? The answer appears to be ‘no’ according to Dr. Nehami Baum’s 2003 article, “The Male Way of Mourning Divorce: When, What and How. ” In fact, Dr. Baum found that men generally appear to mourn the end of a marriage quite differently than women. Men tend to start the grieving process later than women, sometimes even after a physical separation has taken place. This might reflect the fact that women are more likely to initiate the divorce process, giving them a head start on processing the emotions associated with it. Men also tend to recognize that a marriage is in trouble later than women, and they might prefer to wait until after they, or their wife, have actually moved out to address the emotional reality of divorce.  Men might not feel that their ex-wife is the greatest loss during a divorce. For a divorced father, losing his family life (owning a home, having a set routine, a sense of identity and security) and daily interaction with the kids can feel like greater losses than the relationship with his wife. Men might need to deal with the anger and other powerful emotions that often accompany a loss of custody before they can mourn a spouse.  They also might need to address the immediate task of adjusting to a very different lifestyle first. Some men never grieve the loss of a spouse directly; expressing it via the feelings of loss they have toward their children instead.
From “For Men: Mourning the Divorce?” by Dr. Tom Rogat
http://www.divorce360.com/divorce-articles/effects/emotional/for-men-mourning-the-divorce.aspx?artid=394

“A divorce is like an amputation; you survive, but there’s less of you.” –  Margaret Atwood

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Diagnosis of Addiction

I changed the original language to reflect our struggles with  sexual purity or sexual addiction.  This may help clarify, to some, that this really is an addiction.

Dependence occurs at a more advanced stage of the addiction process. Doctors make a diagnosis of addiction if three or more of the following features are present.

+300_695831 A strong desire or sense of compulsion to view pornography or engage in compulsive sexual behavior.

+ Difficulties controlling the viewing of pornography or compulsive sexual behavior in terms of when it occurs, and or being able to stop, and or being unable to control the amount consumed once started.

+ A physically unpleasant withdrawal state when not viewing pornography or engaging in compulsive sexual behavior.

+ Further pornography use or engagement in compulsive sexual behavior to relieve or avoid the withdrawal state.

+ Evidence of increased tolerance (increased amount of pornography use or engagement in riskier compulsive sexual behaviors are required in order to achieve effects originally produced by lower doses).

+ Progressive neglect of alternative pleasures or interests because of the use of pornography or sexual behaviors.

+ Persisting with pornography use or compulsive sexual behaviors despite clear evidence of harmful consequences.

+ Narrowing of a person’s ‘personal repertoire’ or lifestyle – i.e. viewing pornography or engaging in compulsive sexual behaviors becomes more important than anything else.

By Dr. Ciaran Mulholland http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/menshealth/facts/addiction.htm

“If you’re an addict, it controls your life and your life becomes uncontrollable. It’s boring and painful, filling your system with something that makes you stare at your shoes for six hours.” – James Taylor

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Caring for Victims of Sexual Abuse

Originally posted at: http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tgc/2013/06/04/caring-for-victims-of-sexual-abuse/

Finding the courage to voice your story of sexual abuse can feel impossible: too exposing, too embarrassing, too painful, too taboo. Tragically, sometimes the hardest place to share such stories is within the church. “Why is this so,” asks Scotty Smith, “and how can the church do a better job of giving men and women the voice to tell their stories of shame?”

In this eight-minute video, Smith is joined by Justin Holcomb and Trillia Newbell to discuss how congregations can practically recognize, love, and care for victims of sexual abuse. For example, “The power of the pulpit shouldn’t be overlooked,” Holcomb observes. When preaching, he simply lists sexual abuse among the many sins Calvary addresses. “Just naming it can go a long way.”

“When you are violated, you feel alone,” explains Newbell, who shared her own story last year in a piece titled “Remember the Victims—Like Me.” “It took me until [2012] to tell more than five people.” One of the problems, Smith suggests, is that we often do a far better job of understanding guilt than shame. But the gospel is not just about clearing a record of guilt; it’s about disarming the power of shame. Our divine older Brother and Friend identifies with us in our pain and embraces us in our dirt. As Holcomb remarks: “‘Without spot, wrinkle, or blemish’—Christians are called what Jesus was.”

It’s imperative in our churches not only to openly recognize the prevalence of sexual abuse, but also to “connect the dots” to the person and work of Jesus. “We are all victims and agents of sin,” Smith observes, “and the gospel alone gives us the means of finding freedom in view of the day when Jesus returns to finish making all things new.”