CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Awkward Lack of Recent Practice

Awkward Lack of Recent Practice

Sex is not love, but where love is true and real, sexual intimacy can be a deeply moving expression of what is in one’s heart. American culture tries to push men into stereotypical roles that tend to gratify being sexually promiscuous. Sex or the hint of it is frequently shown to be the cure for just about anything that might trouble an American male, at least according to Madison Avenue advertising agencies. A “real man” is often advertised to be one who can attract and bed women easily. What bulls#it! I swallowed the “Playboy” lifestyle as being cool when I was young and my relationships suffered dearly because of it. Choosing to keep sex out of my life for a long time was one of the best things I could have done. The awkward lack of recent practice will add innocence and a newness last felt in my twenties.

“So that’s what I thought love was: Savage as a bull prodded with a spike; Brutal, smelly, sweaty. Like a brawl in which man and woman Wrestled pleasure from each other, Fighting, incapable of thought, Half stunned, wheezing, Less than human.” – Unknown

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Co-addicted Relationships Part III: A Love Addict and a Love Avoidant

Co-addicted Relationships Part III: A Love Addict and a Love Avoidant
A Love Addict and a Love Avoidant form a relationship marked by cycles of positive and negative intensity (which they call love, passion, or romance), until they can’t stand it with that partner – and then they leave that person and repeat the cycles with somebody else. Each partner is both attracted and repelled by the other. This paradox is often expressed as, “I can’t live with him (or her), but I can’t live without him (or her). The addictive priority for the Love Addict is the partner and the fantasy the Love Addict has developed about that partner. Love Addicts are obsessed with the partner and seek to create intensity inside the relationship – actually to relate too closely to the point of enmeshment rather than establishing healthy intimacy. The addictive priority in the Love Avoidant’s life is an addiction outside the relationship; alcohol, drugs, sex, work, religion, gambling, spending, being busy. Love Avoidants are interested in creating intensity outside the relationship rather than establishing healthy intimacy within the relationship. Any other addiction will do the job of causing a Love Avoidant to evade intimacy within the relationship by focusing on the outside addiction. “From “Facing Love Addiction” by Pia Mellody

“I hate you, then I love you. It’s like I want to throw you off a cliff, then rush to the bottom and catch you.” – Unknown

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Co-addicted Relationships Part II: Two Love Avoidants

Co-addicted Relationships Part II: Two Love Avoidants
A Love Avoidant and another Love Avoidant form a very low-intensity relationship. They agree to keep intensity low because each of them finds this comfortable; however, they each create intensity, obsession, and compulsion outside the relationship, which quite often does not include the other partner. For example it could be that one is a work addict in business and the other is intensely involved in church work or another form of volunteer activity. Or perhaps one is an alcoholic and the other a compulsive spender, or compulsive gardener, or compulsively redecorates and remodels their home. Or perhaps one of them avoids the spouse by being a Love Addict when relating to one of the children. Another possibility is that these two participate in some form of intensity outside their relationship, thinking they are having a relationship because they are together so much of the time. Actually they use the intensity outside to avoid intimacy within the relationship. For example, a couple can become involved together in compulsive gambling, tournament bridge, square dancing, sailboat racing, and so on. I’m not trying to say that gambling, bridge, dancing or boat racing are undesirable activities for a couple to share. But such activities may become an obstacle to their relationship when the partners create intensity with those activities to avoid intimacy. “From “Facing Love Addiction” by Pia Mellody – tomorrow Part III: “A Love Addict and a Love Avoidant”

“Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex.” –  Barbara Cartland

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Co-addicted Relationships Part I: Two Love Addicts

Co-addicted Relationships Part I: Two Love Addicts
A Love Addict and another Love Addict form a very intense relationship. They enmesh with each other, get very dependent on each other, and often exclude other people from their partnership. Many times they even exclude their children, and these children feel very abandoned by the parents addiction to each other. The intensity, obsession, and compulsion is focused by each partner on the other partner and on the relationship itself. In some relationships between Love Addicts, one Love Addict’s intense drive toward enmeshment is more forceful than the others. These forceful attempts to remake the other part to fit his or her fantasy overwhelm this less forceful partner. The less forceful Love Addict, who similar attempts to remake the forceful partner to fit him or her own fantasy, fail, may feel in danger of being engulfed and drained and may therefore shift roles by adopting the characteristics of a Love Avoidant in the relationship. “From “Facing Love Addiction” by Pia Mellody – tomorrow Part II: “Two Love Avoidants”

“Addiction is just a way of trying to get at something else. Something bigger. Call it transcendence if you want, but it’s a f ‘ed-up way, like a rat in a maze. We all want the same thing. We all have this hole. The thing you want offers relief, but it’s a trap.” – Tess Callahan

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When His Wife Sneezes…

When His Wife Sneezes…
The joke goes something like, “When his wife sneezes, the codependent man says excuse me”. In similar fashion I find myself feeling apologetic when I don’t understand what someone says.  Mishearing someone’s words does not call for “I’m sorry”.  All that’s necessary is saying “could you repeat that?” Frequently as children codependents were shamed and made to feel bad even thought they had done nothing wrong.  As a child having to apologize for reasons not understood contributes to an over developed sense of shame and a feeling of not being good enough. John Bradshaw wrote, “Guilt says I’ve done something wrong; shame says there is something wrong with me. Guilt says I’ve made a mistake; shame says I am a mistake. Guilt says what I did was not good; shame says I am no good.” 

“Change is hard because people overestimate the value of what they have and underestimate the value of what they may gain by giving that up.” – James Belasco and Ralph Stayer