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Four Jobs of an Accountability Partner

by Jeff Fisher on May 13, 2013
http://porntopurity.com/blog/2013/05/13/the-four-jobs-of-an-accountability-partner/

We wanted to share four key jobs every good accountability partner has:

cheerCHEER – The person in recovery needs to know that they are not alone. Someone is on their side. Someone is rooting for them. Not just from the sidelines, but right in the war with him. The cheerleader encourages, but is always genuine in his encouragement. He doesn’t say “good job” if it’s not merited. But he always says, “You can get there. With God’s help, you can do it!”

ChallengeCHALLENGE – The addict will plateau at times and settle in to a comfortable level. The accountability partner is always challenging them. Putting the Big Picture of sexual purity, glorifying God, and healthy sexuality in front of them. The accountability partner sees farther than where the addict is and challenges him to shoot higher. Challenge happens when there is positive momentum or plateauing.

confrontCONFRONT – Confrontation happens where there is negative momentum. When sin happens and failures happens they need to be addressed. When an addict is hardening his heart or not willing to take the next step the accountability partner needs to take the role of confronting them. When the addicts behavior is hurting others, it must be confronted. Confession and repentance are the right responses to confrontation.

 

encourageCOMFORT – The recovery process is full of hurts, wounds, disappointments, failures, and consequences. The recovering person needs an arm around him when times are tough. He needs someone who understands where he is at and just sits with him. Prays for him. Cries with him. Supports him. Cares.

An accountability partner can be an ear to hear venting. Sometimes he needs needs to pray for him. Sometimes he just needs to show that he cares with a phone call.

The grief process can be tremendous for the addict. The consequences can sometimes seem unbearable. This is where an accountability partner can be a big help.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

Q: What would you add to our list? (it doesn’t have to start with a “C”)

Q: What other jobs or roles does an accountability partner have?

Q: What else has been helpful in your accountability process?

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Is Porn A Deal Breaker?

By , June 29, 2013
http://intentionalwarriors.com/2013/06/29/is-porn-a-deal-breaker

question-mark9Should a single woman who is in a serious dating relationship with a man consider his  frequent use of pornography a deal breaker when it comes to potential marriage?

It’s a great question, and it was recently posed to John Piper.  He began answering it on a podcast, but unfortunately the audio suffers some sort of glitch before we get to hear him answer the question fully.

Piper spends a good amount of time setting the stage for why porn is destructive and it would seem based on that that the answer would be “Yes, it’s a deal breaker.” But without the rest of the audio we don’t know his answer for certain.

i actually spoke with a woman last night who had been in this very situation several years ago.  The man wasn’t really dealing with the issue, and was somewhat prone to giving excuses. She told the man to get counseling. He got some counseling, and so did she. In the end she decided she wouldn’t marry the man.

i have to say it doesn’t bode well at all for a potential marriage if the pattern in the man’s life is frequent porn use, followed by no real progress in dealing with the behavior.  If he continues to give excuses, or just says he’s “trying,” but he still keeps his usual pattern of porn use, flags should start flying in the mind of a potential wife-to-be.

There are several reasons why it’s troubling, which include the pornography itself, as well as what the pattern tells you about the man as a person.

For one thing, porn is destructive and it immediately puts the wife-to-be in a horrible position of having to compete with hundreds upon thousands of images which is a losing situation for any real woman. For another, the man’s unwillingness to see the problem for what it is shows his connection to God and his ability to put his wife-to-be before himself are seriously lacking.

What’s more, it shows he really hasn’t understood some basic Biblical teaching about God, holiness and the Lordship of Christ.

Such a marriage will limp out of the gate and get worse from there.  Such a man is not prepared to love a real woman; therefore, he’s not ready to be a husband.

So, although i have no idea what Piper says in response to the question, my answer is “Yes, a man’s frequent porn use and lack of any measurable change on the issue are deal breakers for a potential marriage.”

Run in the other direction.

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Everyone Deserves Forgiveness

forgivenessMany people seem to have a misunderstanding about what it really means to forgive someone for a wrong done to them. The first thing I want to point out is… forgiveness is NOT a gift you give to another, but rather something you do inside of yourself, for yourself. The other person need never know. You can choose to extend forgiveness to the other person, if that is your choice, but it is not necessary in order to forgive inside of yourself and heal the pain you carry for a wrong another has done to you or that has affected you. Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation – nor does it mean you have to allow a behavior that can hurt you to continue to hurt you. Forgiveness is, in essence, the acknowledgment inside of yourself that the person who has wronged you in some way is a fallible human being – and that, like a human being, they made a mistake worthy of your forgiveness. …everyone deserves forgiveness inside of themselves, because to hold on to old wounds defeats you as a person. It closes off a part of your heart and self that you cannot give to anyone else as long as you hang on to the anger and bitterness that remains in you when you do not forgive. From “Forgiveness – the Gift You Give Yourself”
http://voices.yahoo.com/forgiveness-gift-give-yourself-84466.html?cat=5

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” – Mahatma Gandhi

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Thoughts on Why We Have Same-Sex Fantasies

Because some of the men who attend Castimonia struggle with what is called, Unwanted Same Sex Attraction (SSA) I thought this write-up would be helpful.

Originally posted: http://porntopurity.com/blog/2013/06/29/thoughts-on-why-we-have-same-sex-fantasies/

I’m reading a great book by Shannon Ethridge called The Fantasy Fallacy: Exposing the Deeper Meaning Behind Sexual Thoughts.  So many of us are fighting the battles of masturbation, The-Fantasy-Fallacy-Cover-thumpornography and illicit relationships, but strongly losing the battles of the mind.

I want to get better at this. I also want to learn about what drives my fantasy life.

– In chapter 7, called “Grappling With Gay and Lesbian Fantasies”, Ethridge shares some reasons why men and women turn to gay porn and gay relationships.  (140-142)

MEN AND WOMEN

The “Rebel” Factor – we reject our parents’ spiritual and sexual values and form our own.

The “Ghost” Principle – we lost a significant same-sex figure in our past and are trying to make up for it.

The “Fix Me” Factor – a partner can fix our dysfunctional past in sexual ways.

The “Cannibal” Effect – we admire the strong character traits in another and interpret our feelings as a sexual attraction.

 

MEN

The “Aggression” Effect – we take our anger in sexual ways toward others.

The “Punish Me” Principle – our guilt and shame drive us to invite abuse.

The “No Strings” Factor – it is easy in the gay community to be sexual without relational commitment.

 

WOMEN

The “Pinnacle” Principle – the beauty of the female body inspires the highest art, music, and literature… and us.

The “3-D” Effect – the curves of the female body are more interesting than the straighter body of the man.

The “Safe Refuge” Effect – we run to female figures for comfort.

The “Familiarity” Factor – we run to female figures for relationships and emotional empathy.

The “Danger / Default” Factor – we don’t feel safe around men (usually because of abuse).

–

OTHER HELPFUL LINKS I interviewed Shannon Ethridge about her book on my Top Resources For Sexual Purity Podcast  LISTEN HERE (36 min)

BOOK REVIEW – Jeff Fisher of PorntoPurity.com reviews The Fantasy Fallacy

KEY CHAPTERS SUMMARIZED Bartering With Our Bodies (Ch. 5) When “One Flesh” Isn’t Enough Flesh (Ch. 6) Grappling With Gay and Lesbian Fantasies (Ch. 7) Our Fascination With Pleasure, Pain and Power (Ch. 8)

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Men Mourning Divorce

The sad reality, as a consequence of our acting out behaviors, some marriages will end in divorce.  This post is for those men who have lost their wives in an effort to help them heal.

DivorceRecovering from any major loss requires a mourning period, and divorce is no exception. Grieving a divorce is an intensely personal process and is different for everyone depending on unique situational and personal factors. A healthy mourning process is typically thought to include recognizing and verbalizing the meaning of a loss and its associated feelings. However, men deal with relationships and stress differently than women, and often are not as verbally expressive. Should men really be expected to mourn in the same way as women? The answer appears to be ‘no’ according to Dr. Nehami Baum’s 2003 article, “The Male Way of Mourning Divorce: When, What and How. ” In fact, Dr. Baum found that men generally appear to mourn the end of a marriage quite differently than women. Men tend to start the grieving process later than women, sometimes even after a physical separation has taken place. This might reflect the fact that women are more likely to initiate the divorce process, giving them a head start on processing the emotions associated with it. Men also tend to recognize that a marriage is in trouble later than women, and they might prefer to wait until after they, or their wife, have actually moved out to address the emotional reality of divorce.  Men might not feel that their ex-wife is the greatest loss during a divorce. For a divorced father, losing his family life (owning a home, having a set routine, a sense of identity and security) and daily interaction with the kids can feel like greater losses than the relationship with his wife. Men might need to deal with the anger and other powerful emotions that often accompany a loss of custody before they can mourn a spouse.  They also might need to address the immediate task of adjusting to a very different lifestyle first. Some men never grieve the loss of a spouse directly; expressing it via the feelings of loss they have toward their children instead.
From “For Men: Mourning the Divorce?” by Dr. Tom Rogat
http://www.divorce360.com/divorce-articles/effects/emotional/for-men-mourning-the-divorce.aspx?artid=394

“A divorce is like an amputation; you survive, but there’s less of you.” –  Margaret Atwood