CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Diagnosis of Addiction

I changed the original language to reflect our struggles with  sexual purity or sexual addiction.  This may help clarify, to some, that this really is an addiction.

Dependence occurs at a more advanced stage of the addiction process. Doctors make a diagnosis of addiction if three or more of the following features are present.

+300_695831 A strong desire or sense of compulsion to view pornography or engage in compulsive sexual behavior.

+ Difficulties controlling the viewing of pornography or compulsive sexual behavior in terms of when it occurs, and or being able to stop, and or being unable to control the amount consumed once started.

+ A physically unpleasant withdrawal state when not viewing pornography or engaging in compulsive sexual behavior.

+ Further pornography use or engagement in compulsive sexual behavior to relieve or avoid the withdrawal state.

+ Evidence of increased tolerance (increased amount of pornography use or engagement in riskier compulsive sexual behaviors are required in order to achieve effects originally produced by lower doses).

+ Progressive neglect of alternative pleasures or interests because of the use of pornography or sexual behaviors.

+ Persisting with pornography use or compulsive sexual behaviors despite clear evidence of harmful consequences.

+ Narrowing of a person’s ‘personal repertoire’ or lifestyle – i.e. viewing pornography or engaging in compulsive sexual behaviors becomes more important than anything else.

By Dr. Ciaran Mulholland http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/menshealth/facts/addiction.htm

“If you’re an addict, it controls your life and your life becomes uncontrollable. It’s boring and painful, filling your system with something that makes you stare at your shoes for six hours.” – James Taylor

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Caring for Victims of Sexual Abuse

Originally posted at: http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tgc/2013/06/04/caring-for-victims-of-sexual-abuse/

Finding the courage to voice your story of sexual abuse can feel impossible: too exposing, too embarrassing, too painful, too taboo. Tragically, sometimes the hardest place to share such stories is within the church. “Why is this so,” asks Scotty Smith, “and how can the church do a better job of giving men and women the voice to tell their stories of shame?”

In this eight-minute video, Smith is joined by Justin Holcomb and Trillia Newbell to discuss how congregations can practically recognize, love, and care for victims of sexual abuse. For example, “The power of the pulpit shouldn’t be overlooked,” Holcomb observes. When preaching, he simply lists sexual abuse among the many sins Calvary addresses. “Just naming it can go a long way.”

“When you are violated, you feel alone,” explains Newbell, who shared her own story last year in a piece titled “Remember the Victims—Like Me.” “It took me until [2012] to tell more than five people.” One of the problems, Smith suggests, is that we often do a far better job of understanding guilt than shame. But the gospel is not just about clearing a record of guilt; it’s about disarming the power of shame. Our divine older Brother and Friend identifies with us in our pain and embraces us in our dirt. As Holcomb remarks: “‘Without spot, wrinkle, or blemish’—Christians are called what Jesus was.”

It’s imperative in our churches not only to openly recognize the prevalence of sexual abuse, but also to “connect the dots” to the person and work of Jesus. “We are all victims and agents of sin,” Smith observes, “and the gospel alone gives us the means of finding freedom in view of the day when Jesus returns to finish making all things new.”

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Ten Things You Might Not Know About Men Who Buy Sex

In a comprehensive study, “Comparing Sex Buyers with Men Who Don’t Buy Sex,” Melissa Farley, PHD, Founding Director of the Prostitution Research and Education, compares the characteristics of men who buy sex versus those who don’t. Besides their involvement with prostitution, the men surveyed revealed surprising attitudes and behaviors when it came to sex and women. Here are ten things you may not know about men who buy sex:

  1. On average, men reported were 21 years of age when they first bought sex.
  2.  25% of the sex buyers had traveled to another state and while there used women in prostitution.
  3.  41% of the sex buyers knowingly used a woman in prostitution who was controlled by a pimp.
  4. 66% of the sex buyers observed that a majority of women are lured, tricked or trafficked into prostitution.
  5. 74% of the sex buyers reported that they learned about sex from pornography.
  6. Sex buyers were more than 7x’s more likely than non-sex buyers to acknowledge that they would rape a woman if they could get away with it and if no one knew about it.
  7. Sex buyers are far more likely than non-sex buyers to commit felonies, misdemeanors, crimes related to violence against women, substance abuse-related crimes, assaults, crimes with weapons, and crimes against authority.
  8. 89% of sex buyers said they would be deterred from buying sex if their name were to be added to a sex offender registry.
  9. 90% of sex buyers said they would be deterred from buying sex if a $1,000-$2,000 penalty were imposed.
  10. 100% of sex buyers said they would be deterred from buying sex if a one month jail term were imposed.

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Trafficking & The Sex Trade

0001EL1 1. Estes, Richard J. and Neil A. Weiner. The Commercial Sexual Exploitation of Children in the U.S., Canada, and Mexico. The University of Pennsylvania School of Social Work: 2001 2. Estes, Richard J. and Neil A. Weiner. The Commercial Sexual Exploitation of Children in the U.S., Canada, and Mexico. The University of Pennsylvania School of Social Work: 2001. 3. Brown, Jane D., and Kelly L. L’Engle. “X-rated sexual attitudes and behaviors associated with US early adolescents’ exposure to sexually explicit media.” Communication Research 36.1 (2009): 129-151. 4. Debra Boyer, U. Washington, Susan Breault of the Paul & Lisa Program, “Danger for prostitutes increasing, most starting younger,” Beacon Journal, 21 September 1997 5. National Runaway Switchboard, August 2006 6. Shared Hope International 7. FBI, 2011

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How to Survive Infidelity

Originally posted at: http://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/how-to-survive-infidelity

Rick Reynolds

Rick Reynolds
Founder & President Affair Recovery

The discovery of infidelity not only severely disrupts your life, but is a violation unlike  any other event. Most experts who deal with infidelity say that the betrayed spouse deals with anywhere from 50 to 100 different reminders and triggers about their spouse’s infidelity daily.  At the same time we have a God who is far bigger than our circumstances. As those of us who have traveled this road and have experienced true restoration can attest, the marriage we now experience is far better than what we once had or even thought we could have. What I heard Rick Reynolds say some time ago is absolutely true: you can never tell the end of the story by the beginning. I encourage you to stay the course and see what is possible with the right kind of help and support to survive infidelity.

Over the years I have found that hearing a similar story to your own to be not only reassuring but instrumental for healing and perspective. When Rick asked me to share my story, I wondered what I could offer in terms of providing hope for those who will one day have to live through this nightmare.  As I began to go deeper into my personal experience, I felt the need to share some very practical, yet life changing suggestions which I hope and pray help you as much as they helped me.

6 Tips for the Unfaithful Spouse

  1. You must stop the affair. You will need help to stop it. Find an experienced professional, spiritual leader, or someone who has lived through this type of situation. Getting the right kind of help from those who have gone through it before is critical to finding momentum in your recovery. If you’re reading this, you’ve probably realized your own efforts were not sufficient to prevent the affair and doing more of the same won’t be sufficient as you move forward to survive infidelity.
  2. Commit to creating an atmosphere of safety. Commit to openness and honesty on a daily basis. Be available by cell phone. Be willing to call from a land line (to show where you are). Hand over all passwords, e-mail addresses, bills, and give access to your mate in order to give him/her assurance. Make a decision to have no unaccounted for time in your day. If you’re going to give this marriage a shot at being restored, be willing to do whatever it takes to restore trust. The way to reestablish trust is to first trust your mate with what’s going on in your life.
  3. Take responsibility. As bad as your marriage may have been, and as rejected as you may have felt, it still doesn’t justify breaking a vow. Have the courage to say “I messed up.” Take responsibility for your own recovery.
  4. Develop empathy for your spouse. Daily express to your mate that you’re sorry for the pain that you have caused and/or appreciation that your mate is still there. Being able to express grief over what your actions have cost your mate is one of the first and most important steps to moving beyond the betrayal.
  5. Be patient and ask your mate how he/she is doing. If you see your mate is down, simply ask how he/she is feeling. Our first tendency when we see those storm clouds brewing over our mate is to run for the shelter, but in recovery, it’s best to be a tornado chaser by creating space to share about the pain.
  6. Don’t be defensive. Usually defensiveness sounds like, “well if you hadn’t…” We often times blame our mate and try to justify why we messed up. This defensiveness and attempts at justifying our infidelity only adds to the frustration, hurt and anger.

5 Tips for the Betrayed Spouse

  1. Express your feelings and thoughts without the destructiveness of rage. This one can be tricky, and is especially difficult if you are very early on into discovery. It will be somewhat easier if you are able to maintain the perspective that anger (even the rage you may currently be experiencing) is a secondary emotion. Instead of expressing your anger, talk more about the underlying feelings that evoked the anger. The underlying emotions might be hurt or fear.
  2. Avoid rapid-fire questioning. Ask questions slowly, always asking yourself if the answer will be information you want to live with the rest of your life, and possibly have a reminder and/or trigger attached to it. I would encourage you to avoid questions that paint a picture in your head. These comparison questions create the intrusive thoughts you’ll later have to deal with. Ask yourself if the questions you’re asking are helping you move forward or if it is for some other reason.
  3. Commit to forgiveness. This doesn’t have to happen fast, but for your sake you want it to occur. Don’t fall into the trap of believing you can control your mate’s behavior by not forgiving. Remember, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Forgiving isn’t necessarily the same as reconciliation, but if your mate is safe enough it paves the way for the possibility of reconciliation.  Forgiveness is also not a one time act. There will be layers to your pain which will necessitate a commitment, in advance, to forgive as you move forward.
  4. Allow yourself time and space to grieve and process what has happened. To attempt to heal the marriage too quickly can be devastating and is one of the leading factors of relapse for the unfaithful spouse. As Leslie Hardie says, “it’s not about the amount of time you give it, rather it’s about how you utilize the time you give it.”
  5. Recognize your vulnerabilities. Don’t let your hurt, pain, and anger drive you to behaviors and choices you will later regret. Avoid putting yourself in vulnerable situations.

5 Tasks for the Couple

  1. Find support. Try to find at least two or three people you can both agree would be safe individuals to share with. Having a safe place to process feelings, apart from the marriage, can be beneficial. It’s helpful for you to have someone of the same sex you can vent to and grieve with who is safe and has your best interests at heart. Your mate absolutely needs a trusted friend where they can do the same. If you don’t have this outlet outside the marriage, chances are painful emotions will build up and come out in destructive ways.
  2. Separate the marriage from the train wreck of the infidelity. Remember, there is more to your relationship than the infidelity. The infidelity does not rewrite your whole history, although sometimes it may feel like it does. While you can never go back to what you had, you do have the opportunity for something better.
  3. Make time to talk about the marriage and the effects of the infidelity. One of the worst mistakes you can make is to stop the dialogue about what has happened. If you cannot process through the effects of the infidelity, it will most assuredly stall your efforts to heal as a couple and create underlying dissention in your heart towards your spouse. Allow time for both of you to process what you are learning about yourselves and each other along the way.
  4. Arrange a problem-free time during which you have fun and enjoy each other. This is a must, otherwise you will begin to feel like your identity and your relationship are just byproducts of the infidelity. Remember, there is more to life. So try to find times where you don’t discuss the infidelity.
  5. Remind yourself and each other that your relationship can be better. You are building honesty and empathy that were probably not there before the infidelity. Your relationship will emerge from this so much better, if you let it. It will never be the same, but who wants to go back to the lie you were living? This is an opportunity to build a new foundation, with new patterns of behavior.

Affair Proofing Your Marriage

While you cannot affair proof your marriage, you can and must, affair proof your own life. This goes for the betrayed spouse too, who in many ways is ripe for an affair if healing does not take place for the trauma after the affair. This must be a vital step the unfaithful spouse takes charge of if they are going to prevent relapse and eventually reestablish trust with their mate.

  1. Assume that an affair could happen again and take precautions, rather than assuming it will never  happen again. Actively avoid putting yourself in harm’s way. Together with your mate, design “our rules” for keeping your relationship safe.
  2. Both parties need to understand that temptations don’t define us and behavior does not equal motive. We have to be willing to be honest about dangerous situations around us. Understand that if your mate is willing to share something that he/she is struggling with, then your mate is choosing to keep the marriage safe rather than to endanger it by hiding struggles or weaknesses.
  3. Commit to work hard at your marriage. Marriages take work. Be willing to put as much time into the marriage as you do into other activities which you love. The grass isn’t greener on the other side of the hill, it’s greener where you water it.
  4. Be willing as a couple to talk about this issue. Be willing to honestly discuss any areas where the relationship is at risk, rather than just going through the emotions of it all. Auto pilot seldom works in recovery.
  5. Give back. If you’ve already recovered from a betrayal, be willing to give back to others who are still dealing with infidelity. There is no better preventive medicine than working with others who are coming along behind you. Their journey will be a constant reminder of the cost you incurred and experienced in your own journey.

There is truly nothing that the nearness of God cannot heal. The tasks on this list are just a few suggestions that will help you find and protect hope and safety in your marriage.

For more practical advice on how to survive infidelity listen to:

Affair Recovery Webinar pt.1

Affair Recovery Webinar pt.2

and receive a free copy of a two hour webinar featuring leading experts in the field of infidelity recovery. During the webinar the panel answered multiple questions posted by individuals struggling to move beyond betrayal.

Rick Reynolds is the founder of AffairRecovery If you’d like more information on how to deal with infidelity please visit their web site.