CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

masturbation

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Essential Elements of Recovery – Early and Advanced Tools to Build Your Recovery Skill Level

OUTER CIRCLE CLUB

Board of Directors invites you to…

A Presentation on “Essential Elements of Recovery – Early and Advanced Tools to Build Your Recovery Skill Level” Led by Roger Stark on Saturday, March 15th, 2014 at 7 pm!!

Roger Stark is a person of recovery, author, recovery coach and retired licensed addiction counselor. Using his own experience in the recovery process and education he welds the clinical and recovery world into understandable wisdoms of recovery. Roger blogs and offers Recovery Coaching on his website: waterfallconcept.org and speaks at conferences and trainings nationwide. His book “The Waterfall Concept; A Blueprint for Addiction Recovery” has helped many in their struggle with addiction. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, Roger has a unique understanding of the part early life trauma plays in the addiction drama.

Due to the nature of this topic and the level of applicability to the recovery community in general, the Board of Directors approved opening this event to SAA, SLAA, SA, COSA, RCA, and Couples in Recovery members – and their spouses / significant others whether or not they are in a recovery program. Please note that Roger will be donating his time to this event in order to support healthy recovery within these fellowships!

Club Members attend for free with a minimum donation of $10 accepted from all others. A limited number of seats will be available for those not reserving in advance; however admission will be $20 at the door, depending on seat availability. Reservations are strongly encouraged.

Please contact Scott W (832-566-7699) or Ed G (713-302-6748) to reserve your seat. Leave a voice mail and please include your call back phone number, email contact (if available) and the number in your party. If we have questions we will get back to you.

Payment can be made by check mailed to The Outer Circle Club, PO Box 540792, Houston, TX, 77254- 0792. Payment guarantees your seat so please pay early. Remember to include a donation to the Club if you are able, as it will be much appreciated, and will help ensure we can continue to hold such important events in the future.

Your interest and continued support are essential as we continue to build this “12-step club” exclusively serving the SAA fellowship through education and practice. Our vision is to create a safe recovery environment at a dedicated facility and accessible location. For additional information, service opportunities, and contributions please contact the OCC via email at

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Tolerance Build-Up

image-pornLike an alcoholic needs increasingly larger amounts of alcohol as his tolerance builds up, so will a porn addict need more extreme, unusual or deviant forms of pornography as his addiction develops. Some experts believe that viewing this material can lead to enacting unhealthy fantasies in real life. It is possible that deviant sexual behavior could be inspired by pornographic content. However, in the majority of cases, porn addiction remains an intensely private condition that does not extend to sexual interaction with others. It will, however, likely interfere with healthy sexual experiences of any kind. Support groups and 12-step programs for recovering pornography addicts are popping up all over the internet. As illogical as it might seem to turn to the net for help with a problem that most likely started there, many addicts have found comfort and healing through sharing their stories and talking to others with the same condition. Dealing with sex addiction doesn’t have to be hard, and you don’t have to do it alone… Not unsurprisingly, the majority of groups created to help porn addicts in recovery are religious in nature. Most organized religions take a general disapproving stance on any sexual activity not related to making babies between two married, consenting adults, so it’s not hard to see why the church would have an interest in healing those addicted to pornography. For a religious person, this approach may work, but for someone who is confused and struggling with his sexuality, the guilt piled on by religious support groups may not be helpful at all when dealing with porn addiction.
http://www.askmen.com/dating/love_tip_400/404_love_tip.html

“Shame was an emotion he had abandoned years earlier. Addicts know no shame. You disgrace yourself so many times you become immune to it.” – John Grisham

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How is Porn Addictive? (info-graph)

Originally posted on:  http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/Blog/How-is-Porn-Addictive-info-graph

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Porn Addiction

Sexy Man Working on LaptopBefore the internet was ubiquitous in every aspect of our lives, porn addiction was for the creepy lifelong bachelor or the lonely guy with mommy issues. However, now that we depend on the World Wide Web for much of our information and entertainment, the condition is seeping into parts of the population previously unaffected. While porn addiction is not yet listed in the DSM-IV as an official mental disorder like drug or gambling addictions, therapists are starting to take the condition seriously. The criteria for determining whether or not a patient is addicted to porn are much the same as the ones used to identify other addictions, revolving mainly around the dependence on pornography at the expense of other aspects of life. If viewing, reading, watching or thinking about pornography is interfering with your work, your relationship, your family life or your social interactions, it is a problem. Some porn addicts cannot perform sexually without the stimulation of pornography. Porn addiction may be a part of a more extensive sex addiction. It is now easier to get your hands on porn than ever before. A man doesn’t even have to work up the nerve to walk into an adult video store anymore, but can instead in the privacy of his own home simply download to his heart’s content a dizzying array of pornographic content. The internet is definitely the main culprit behind the explosion of porn addiction. A study published in the journal Pediatrics stated that 42% of internet users aged 10 to 17 have been exposed to pornography. By the time these children reach adulthood, pornography can be a pervasive part of their lives and, for some, this can lead to serious problems, such as porn addiction.
http://www.askmen.com/dating/love_tip_400/404_love_tip.html

“The Internet is like alcohol in some sense. It accentuates what you would do anyway. If you want to be a loner, you can be more alone. If you want to connect, it makes it easier to connect.” – Esther Dyson

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Having Sexual Conversations with Your Spouse

Originally posted at: http://www.covenanteyes.com/2013/07/02/having-sexual-conversations-with-your-spouse-2/

sexual-conversations-with-your-spouseYou know your marriage is strong when you can have sexually oriented conversations with your spouse. Outside of having intimate discussions about what the LORD is doing in your life, there is probably no other kind of marital talk which reveals the true strength of your relationship.

Though we live in a sexually explicit culture where promiscuous thinking and behaving is the norm, many Christian husbands and wives are still intimidated about having biblically motivated, God-centered sex talks.

There are many reasons for this; the main one being our Adam-inherited fear which impacts every sphere of our thinking and behaving. The closer you press toward spiritual or physical intimacy, the more you will be challenged to become vulnerable before others.

And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, “You may surely eat of every tree of the garden, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.” – Genesis 2:16-17 (ESV)

The two initial things which went dysfunctional after Adam and Eve sinned in the garden were their relationship with God and their relationship with each other. The LORD told them if they sinned there would be a severing of His protective and sovereign care.

Adam and Eve ignored His warning by sinning anyway and the fear factor kicked in shortly thereafter. This is part of the reason people are intimidated about discussing their relationship with God. We are naturally fearful people.

And he said, “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.” – Genesis 3:10 (ESV)

Adam and Eve became afraid of God after they sinned. This fear not only affected the spiritual dynamics of their lives, but it also affected them physically. God became distant and they became sexually confused.

Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths. – Genesis 2:7 (ESV)

We’re all born with a sense of shame and guilt. We have this internally awkward awareness which compels us to want to hide from each other as well as from God (Romans 3:10-12). There is a direct correlation between how a person relates to God spiritually and how he relates to his spouse sexually.

The God-influenced man will have a healthy view and practice of sex (1 Corinthians 7:1-5). The same goes for his wife. The Godless man or woman will have an unbiblical view and practice of sex.

Your view, attitude, and practice of sexuality is proportional to your view, attitude, and walk with the LORD. Adam and Eve broke their relationship with God, which spun them into sexual confusion.

This makes sense because God is the author of sex. He made Adam and Eve for the enjoyment of each other (Genesis 2:24-25). Sex was God’s idea. It was not until sin entered the world that our thinking on such things became chaotic.

Perfect sex

A discussion on sex can go in many different directions. For this article I want to highlight two areas where sin can easily break a husband and wife down while keeping them from being naked and unashamed with each other.

1. Sin will keep a man from talking about his sexual temptations.

2. Sin will tempt a woman to be offended by his sexual temptations.

Because of these two realities in most marriages, couples are never able to openly and humbly discuss how sin is captivating them, to the point of keeping sexually oriented secrets from each other.

The husband can be tempted and the woman can be insecure and offended by his temptations. That’s a formula for secret-keeping, anger, sexual frustration, communication breakdowns, bitterness, unforgiveness, and resentment.

I’m sure you can add a few more biblical labels to the mix, but you get the idea. If a husband and wife do not fight for biblical sexual discussions, they will never be able to completely realize the fullness of the marriage God offers them.

Sex is a deeply spiritual moment for two people who love God and love each other (Matthew 22:36-40). When omnipresent God is ruling the heart of a man and a woman, who are physically intimate, they are enjoying the most profound human communal experience possible.

Think about the sexual relationship between Adam and Eve before Genesis 3:1-7. It was God, man, and woman, with no sin to interrupt their thoughts or actions. It is hard to grasp such things.

The good news for us is that because of the power of the Gospel, the freedom of forgiveness, and the enablement of the Spirit, we can come to a close approximation of the physical intimacy Adam and Eve enjoyed before sin.

Men are tempted

Before a couple can come to this kind of close approximation to physical intimacy, they must deal with the reality of sin. Sin should never be ignored, it is real and it is divisive.

When it comes to sex, there are two competing interests vying for the mind of a man: (1) He was wired to enjoy sex and (2) sin attempts to distort his attitude toward sex.

This simply means a man must be honest about how sexual realities play out in his mind. It also means his wife must have the grace to provide a context for him to share his true thoughts about sexual temptations.

(I’m getting ahead of myself on this second point. More on that later.) I do not know the percentage of men who have not masturbated. I’m confident the percentage of adult males who have not is low.

This is just one way we have been sinfully affected when it comes to sex. Can we be honest about our sexual temptations? If you can’t be honest, then sin, shame, and guilt will be the controlling factors of your heart. God will not have first place in your heart.

This was Adam and Eve’s problem after they sinned. God was no longer the governing and motivating power behind their actions. Sin ruled their hearts, which overly exposed their nakedness and shame.

The first thing a man must do to counteract his weirdness about having a sexual discussion with his wife is to fix whatever is broken in his relationship with God. Sexual conversations originate from the heart, not the lip.

If a man’s heart is not right with God, then the kind of speech he has with his wife will not be right (Luke 6:45). People miss this important step. If they ever get the gumption to share their temptations with their wives, they usually do so before spending adequate time with the LORD.

Our hearts must be calibrated by God before we start talking about our sexual temptations with our wives. Keeping in step with the Spirit means being like-minded with the Spirit on sexual things.

If the Spirit is illuminating and guiding your sexual speech, then you should be equipped to engage your wife with the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control when you talk to your spouse (Galatians 5:22-23).

Women are insecure

All relationships are about giving and receiving. I have addressed the heart of the speech giver when it comes to talking about his struggles and temptations regarding sex.

It is just as incumbent on the speech receiver to have a right relationship with God so she can hear from the LORD as she hears from her husband. One of the cool things about the Gospel is how it creates an environment where we can be honest.

This is one of the many things we like about God. We know He will not judge or condemn us when we bare our souls to Him. This was why the Psalmist could boldly inquire of the LORD,

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! – Psalm 139:23-24 (ESV)

Wow! How bold is that? How emboldening is that? God gives us amazing confidence to be honest with Him. We know He is grace-filled enough to steward our problems. How releasing.

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. – Ephesians 5:1 (ESV)

This begs a question for wives: How are you imitating God as far as creating a context for your husband to be honest with you? This does not mean he will be honest. That is not the question or the concern right now (Romans 12:18).

If you are not able to provide this kind of God-centered confidence for your husband to be weak and vulnerable, then you must do similarly to your husband: the next step is you must repair your relationship with the LORD.

Insecurity is fear. Adam and Eve were insecure because their relationship with God was broken. Our fear and insecurity is proportional to the strength of our relationship with the LORD.

The God-empowered, God-centered, and God-motivated woman is standing on the strength of the LORD’s perfection and cannot be overcome by her husband’s imperfections.

Your husband’s temptations and sins will reveal what your relationship with the LORD is really like and it will also reveal your most important desire. If you’ve placed more hope in your husband’s goodness than the LORD’s goodness, then you will only be as strong as your husband’s ability to meet your expectations.

If you’ve placed your primary hope in God, then your strength will be controlled by other-worldly factors. This will empower you to be a means of restorative grace to your husband.

Making it practical

Perhaps you’re not able to have these types of sexual conversations with your spouse. I realize there can be many complicating reasons for this. If you’re not able to enter into biblically centered sexual discussions, then the first place to begin is with prayer.

Ask the LORD to do a mighty work of grace in your heart (Proverbs 21:1). He is willing to do such things for the humble person (James 4:6). Lay out your soul before Him, asking Him to do that thing He does so well–providing grace.

Maybe your spouse will never change, but his/her change should never interfere with how the grace of God operates in your life. Be daring. Ask Him to search your heart and if He reveals an evil way in you, simply repent. Be free from sin.

Then begin to make plans to enter into a discussion with your spouse. Approach your spouse with grace and courage. Be like Adam and Eve when sin was not present with them. You can do this if you have removed your sin through the grace-effective means of repentance.

If your spouse is not interested in going farther with you, then be at peace. Be released from the temptation of a bad attitude toward your spouse. You’ve done what you can do. Maybe there will be another time and another season for you to re-enter this discussion.

If your spouse is not interested in going farther with you, then ask the Father to bring a friend of the same-sex into your life to provide encouragement and care for you regarding how you think about sex.

Caveat – This kind of care from a friend should never be about your spouse’s faults or failures. Your communication should be about you and the LORD. Don’t slander or devalue your spouse before others.

If your spouse is interested in going farther with you and your heart has been adjusted by the LORD, then by all means, begin talking to your spouse. Use discernment, wisdom, and grace when you begin sharing your heart.

Typically in situations like this, the other spouse has not spent the same amount of time in prayer and reflection regarding these things. You may be days or even weeks ahead of your spouse in your thoughts about sex and marriage. Don’t assume yours and your spouse’s thoughts are similar.

Be measured, but courageous. Lead your spouse. If you’re the wife, you should still lead your spouse. My wife is my number one discipler. She leads me well and I praise God for the things He has given her, which she has shared to me.

About Rick Thomas

Rick Thomas is the Founder and President of The Counseling Solutions Group, Inc. in upstate South Carolina. Rick has a BA in Theology, a BS in Education, and an MA in Counseling from The Master’s Seminary. In 2006 he became a Fellow with the National Association of Nouthetic Counselors, for whom he now supervises potential counselor candidates. Along with his counselor training he is a Professional Counselor and Personal Coach. Rick primarily blogs at Counseling Solutions.