CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

co-dependency

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Co-addicted Relationships Part I: Two Love Addicts

Co-addicted Relationships Part I: Two Love Addicts
A Love Addict and another Love Addict form a very intense relationship. They enmesh with each other, get very dependent on each other, and often exclude other people from their partnership. Many times they even exclude their children, and these children feel very abandoned by the parents addiction to each other. The intensity, obsession, and compulsion is focused by each partner on the other partner and on the relationship itself. In some relationships between Love Addicts, one Love Addict’s intense drive toward enmeshment is more forceful than the others. These forceful attempts to remake the other part to fit his or her fantasy overwhelm this less forceful partner. The less forceful Love Addict, who similar attempts to remake the forceful partner to fit him or her own fantasy, fail, may feel in danger of being engulfed and drained and may therefore shift roles by adopting the characteristics of a Love Avoidant in the relationship. “From “Facing Love Addiction” by Pia Mellody – tomorrow Part II: “Two Love Avoidants”

“Addiction is just a way of trying to get at something else. Something bigger. Call it transcendence if you want, but it’s a f ‘ed-up way, like a rat in a maze. We all want the same thing. We all have this hole. The thing you want offers relief, but it’s a trap.” – Tess Callahan

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When His Wife Sneezes…

When His Wife Sneezes…
The joke goes something like, “When his wife sneezes, the codependent man says excuse me”. In similar fashion I find myself feeling apologetic when I don’t understand what someone says.  Mishearing someone’s words does not call for “I’m sorry”.  All that’s necessary is saying “could you repeat that?” Frequently as children codependents were shamed and made to feel bad even thought they had done nothing wrong.  As a child having to apologize for reasons not understood contributes to an over developed sense of shame and a feeling of not being good enough. John Bradshaw wrote, “Guilt says I’ve done something wrong; shame says there is something wrong with me. Guilt says I’ve made a mistake; shame says I am a mistake. Guilt says what I did was not good; shame says I am no good.” 

“Change is hard because people overestimate the value of what they have and underestimate the value of what they may gain by giving that up.” – James Belasco and Ralph Stayer

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Difficult to Feel Safe Anywhere

Difficult to Feel Safe Anywhere
Codependence is often accompanied by P.T.S.D. (post-traumatic stress disorder) that pops up long after experiencing traumatic events. It’s not just war and acts of terrorism that can be a trigger. Emotional, physical or sexual abuse can also set off symptoms that can include trouble sleeping or concentrating, excessive irritability and misplaced anger. Some call codependence “a war with our self”. Recovery involves stopping the war within so we can start to love and trust ourselves. For many suffering from codependence the battlefield we grew up in, was not in some foreign country against some identified “enemy” – it was in the “homes” which were supposed to be our safe haven with our parents whom we loved and trusted to take care of us. Instead of blood and death (although some do experience blood and death literally), what happened to us as children was spiritual death and emotional maiming, mental torture and physical violation. Not feeling safe as a child can make it difficult to feel safe anywhere. Quote from: http://joy2meu.com/Codependency.htm

“Anger is only fear turned inside out.” – Unknown

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Hoping to Fill the Emptiness

Hoping to Fill the Emptiness
The term “sexual addiction” describes an individual having an unusual fascination, or fixation, with sex. Constant daydreaming about sex takes over and controls the addict’s thinking, making it challenging to work or manage healthy personal relationships. Despite the possibility that their actions are risky or will eventually carry serious and/or harmful consequences, sex addicts often indulge in a variety of high-risk, acting-out behaviors. Strangely, sex addicts usually find only slight or limited satisfaction in their sexual activities, and they develop little or no real attachment to their sex partners. As a result, sex addicts often are bombarded by feelings of guilt, shame, and poor self-esteem. These feelings are accompanied by broken relationships, divided families, and problems at work. From www.themeadows.com Go to this link below to take a quiz and find out if you are addicted to sex: http://castimonia.org/2012/04/16/am-i-a-sex-addict/

“People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within.” –  Ramona L. Anderson

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Resistance To Unpleasantness

Resistance To Unpleasantness
Because codependents consistently put others’ needs ahead of their own, they often believe that they are “nice” people. “I’m doing what everybody wants me to do,” you tell yourself, “so why do I get mistreated so much of the time?” If you are codependent, it probably doesn’t make sense to you that you are being treated abusively by the very people you are trying so hard to accommodate! But the truth may be that you are not really as “nice” as you would like to believe you are, because you are not saying yes to everyone else just to be kind to them. Nor do you do more than your fair share of tasks because you truly want to be of service over and over without any kind of reciprocal arrangement. When you say yes (especially when you really want to say NO), you are actually protecting yourself from having to face the potentially painful consequences that can result when someone is angry or disappointed with you for not agreeing to do what they want you to do. Even though you are really trying to look out for yourself by side-stepping these negative outcomes, which could be seen as a self-caring intention, it is unfortunately not a healthy form of self-care when it is done out of resistance to unpleasantness. by Candace Plattor, M.A.

http://www.candaceplattor.com/articles/recovering_from_codependency.htm

“As we advance in life it becomes more and more difficult, but in fighting the difficulties the inmost strength of the heart is developed.” –   Vincent Van Gogh