CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Journal Through Recovery Entry 01: Discovery

Here is the gist of the text that ended my life as I knew it:

“Call me right now! I can’t believe you lied to me AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!”

Yeah, that was it. It was on a Friday at 3:42 pm while I was at work.  I was in a meeting and felt my phone vibrate.  Sheer panic was a very appropriate descriptor of my emotions at that exact time.  Mix in a healthy dose of shame, disgust, self-loathing and add a bit of self-preservation.  How could I mitigate this?  And could I lie to cover it up? Only to protect her!

She wouldn’t be lied to again. She was in full anger and panic and close to a nervous breakdown.  I could feel it through the text. I rushed home to find her in shock and tears.  The shame was overwhelming.  I couldn’t breathe.  I wish I could say I was ready to “come clean” and tell her everything.  I wasn’t.  I wanted to lie and lessen it.  I wanted to say, “No that was just the woman you knew about trying to hurt you again.  Of course I didn’t contact her after I said I wouldn’t.”  I knew quickly I couldn’t do that.  The affair partner had already told me she was going to send her copies of my messages.

I was cornered. This is what bottom feels like. I didn’t have any more options for lying, even though my self-preservation tools had kicked in hard. She wanted me out. I went to a friend’s house. I was panicking, having trouble focusing, and still…..trying to find a way out.

She saw her counselor the next morning. She wouldn’t talk to me. Her counselor texted me with three non-negotiable requirements for even continuing a conversation together:

  1. Immediately meet with a counselor that she recommends
  2. Enroll in a 12 step program
  3. Full disclosure and polygraph with Dr. Milton Magness

Full disclosure. Polygraph. My thoughts were: “Oh God, please save me. How do I get around this? Can I manipulate this situation? I am sure I can change her mind. Can’t I?” I began praying. I wish I could say I began praying for her primarily. I didn’t. I began praying for me. I was terrified, anxious and panicked. “God, you don’t really want her to know all this, do you? I mean, all it will do is hurt her. I am just trying to protect her. I will change, with YOUR help!” Notice how I shifted it to God? How if He would just help me, I wouldn’t be in this mess. Ok, no need to panic. Agree to everything. You can handle this. It won’t be different than before. You can wear her down and things will be ok. Right? I am sure that is right. It’s worked before. I am smart enough to make this work. I will agree to it all and then just slow play it. I have a good excuse. I was just checking on that previous affair partner. I knew I had hurt her and just wanted to make sure she was ok. That was admirable of me! When I explain it to everyone, it will be ok and I won’t need to do any disclosing of things that are better left hidden. I am SURE that will work!

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Journal Through Recovery – Introduction

A member of Castimonia has graciously volunteered to post a real time “play-by-play” journey through his recovery via his private journal entries.  These posts will be made weekly and I pray it helps men in their journey through recovery.

Journal Through Recovery

This is my journey through recovery in real time, as it happens. I will give you insights and thoughts as they occur through every step of my experience.  Feedback and questions are welcome.  I make no claim of expertise or advanced knowledge.  I am on the same path that many have followed. I am seeking guidance, support, wisdom, and prayer just like any other addict.

Join me each week as I give an unfiltered account of my hopes, prayers, anxieties, fears, and hopefully some learnings as well. I will start practicing rigorous honesty here…….I am terrified about being so transparent with emotions.  As an addict, I am new at this whole intimacy thing.  I hope you find something here that, in the words of my counselor, reinforces a primary truth….you are not alone!

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Castimonia Purity Podcast Episode 14: John’s Testimony – Overcoming Sex Addiction

John shares his life’s story in an honest and open way to help us see patterns in his life that we might identify with.

He discusses his early exposure to life situations that were too mature for him and how that confuses his view of “reality.”

We see the use of secondary addictions creep in as he tries to compensate for feelings and guilt. He also discusses how he found hope, and how that new life style has given him a fresh outlook on life.

Our hope is that his story of God’s redeeming love is an example of the power that God can work in all of our lives. If you are struggling and need help, you are not alone and it is not too late!

Please email us at puritypodcast@castimonia.org for more information…thanks for listening!

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King of Porn: Police Reports Detail Michael Jackson’s Massive Porn Collection

Original story: http://cw33.com/2016/06/21/michael-jacksons-pornography-collection-detailed-in-newly-released-police-reports/

POSTED 1:11 PM, JUNE 21, 2016, BY JENNIFER SHRUM AND TRIBUNE MEDIA WIRE, UPDATED AT 06:58PM, JUNE 21, 2016

LOS OLIVOS, Calif. — Turns out, Michael Jackson kept massive collections of pornographic material at his Neverland Ranch.

Newly-released police reports say Jackson’s bedroom and bathroom had at least seven collections of work that show young boys fully nude or partially clothed, according to Radar Online.

There are also reports he had pictures of animal torture, S&M, photos and videos of old and young, male and female, in perverted positions. Also found were multiple prescriptions for drugs to treat sex addiction.

Authorities made the discovery during a search of the home in November 2003.

Many of the materials were submitted after a young boy claimed Jackson sexually abused and assaulted him on multiple occasions. Jackson was ultimately acquitted of molestation charges in 2005.

Jackson’s fame as a pop singer/songwriter began with the Jackson 5, alongside his brothers. He later went on to have a successful solo career and died in 2009 from a medication overdose.

His physician was later convicted of involuntary manslaughter.

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Ex-NFL Player Darren Sharper Sentenced to 18 Years for Drugging and Raping Women

posted at: http://time.com/4457731/darren-sharper-sentenced-rapes/

(NEW ORLEANS) — Former NFL star Darren Sharper has been sentenced to 18 years and four months in prison in a case where he was accused of drugging and raping as many as 16 women in four states.

U.S. District Judge Jane Triche Milazzo sentenced Sharper on Thursday. He earlier pleaded guilty in federal court in New Orleans to drugging three women so he could rape them. He also has pleaded guilty or no contest in state courts in Louisiana, Arizona, California and Nevada to charges arising from allegations of drugging and raping women.

Prosecutors suggested a 9-year prison term for Sharper under a multi-jurisdictional plea deal, but Milazzo rejected it as too lenient in June. The sentence, 18 years and four months imprisonment, was 15 months short of the maximum. He was also fined $20,000.

Sharper’s family left the courtroom without speaking to reporters. Defense attorney Billy Gibbens said later that the federal sentence won’t affect plea agreements in the four state courts.

Sharper pleaded guilty in federal court to three counts of distributing drugs with rape as the aim. He or his friend Brandon Licciardi, a former sheriff’s deputy in neighboring St. Bernard Parish, put anti-anxiety drugs or sedatives into women’s drinks so they could rape them, according to a 15-page statement signed as part of that plea.

Milazzo has scheduled sentencing Oct. 13 for Licciardi and a second New Orleans codefendant, Erik Nunez.

Charges around the country involve nine victims, but Milazzo has said in court that there may be as many as 16.

Like Sharper, Licciardi and Nunez admitted distributing drugs with the intent to commit rape. Their plea agreements say Licciardi has accepted a 17-year sentence, with 10 years for Nunez.

Sharper was named All-Pro six times and chosen for the Pro Bowl five times during a career that included stints with the Green Bay Packers and Minnesota Vikings. He played in two Super Bowls, one with the Packers as a rookie and one with New Orleans Saints when they won in 2010.

He ended a 14-year career in 2011. He was working as an NFL network analyst when women began telling police in several cities similar stories of blacking out while drinking with him and waking up groggy to find they had been sexually abused.