CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

Character Defects

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Castimonia Monday Night Meeting Topic – Step 9 Step Study

Step 9: We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
“Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.  Honor one another above yourselves.  If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:10,18)

Today’s meeting is the first meeting of the month which is typically a “Step Study” of the corresponding month.  Since September is the 9th month, we reviewed Step 9 in both The Twelve Steps for Christians and the SAA Green Book.

I believe the most important reason to make amends is to clean up “our side of the street.”  When we make amends to others, we are not asking for their forgiveness, we are simply taking ownership of what we did to wrong them and offering to “pay” for the damage we caused.  This “payment” can be done in terms of actual money or other non-financial reparations that need to be made in order to offset the damage we have done, such as being emotionally present if we were emotionally absent in our addiction.

In making amends, we do not concern ourselves with the out come of the amends or the other person’s reaction.  Their reaction is not a reflection on how well or poorly we made amends, that is their business and none of ours.  Our only task in making amends is to take ownership for what we did wrong and make amends as previously mentioned.

Some of the best amends we can make to others are what are called “living amends” or basically a change in lifestyle.  When our friends, family, etc… see that we are now living a different lifestyle filled with gratitude and thanksgiving, then our amends become living.  The change that began in the first few steps is now seen as evident when we make amends to others.  This change continues as we grow in maturity and in connection with God.

Finally, we must understand the second part of step 9 – except when to do those would injure them or others.  This is extremely important if our amends to certain individuals will harm them more than do good.  Perhaps they no long wish to have any contact with us, therefore, we respect their decisions and make amends privately, written in a letter form, to our Sponsor.  This is also true for those of us who are married and wish to make amends to old acting-out partners.  Amends to these past partners should only be done if our spouse approves of the amends and method, and maybe tags along too!  Many spouses do not want the addict to make contact with old acting-out partners, which is a completely acceptable request from the spouse.  In these cases, we also write letters to our old acting out partners and read those amends letters to our sponsor.

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic, 08/04/2012 – Step 8 Step Study

We made  a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)

Today’s meeting is the first meeting of the month which is typically a “Step Study” of the corresponding month.  Since August is the 8th month, we reviewed Step 8 in both The Twelve Steps for Christians and the SAA Green Book.

In understanding step 8, I must understand three core concepts.  The first concept is that the harm I have caused others was because of more than just my sexual acting out.  I admit that I had harmed numerous people directly and indirectly through my sexual activities, but the harm mentioned in Steps 5 and now in Step 8 has little to do with my sexual acting out.  The very first sentence of the SAA Green Book states it as clear as possible:

“With the Eighth Step, we begin to take responsibility for the harm we inflicted on others when we acted on our character defects.”

In reading this sentence, my list just got a lot longer.  Not only did I have to make amends to the countless victims of my sexual acting out, but now I also had to make amends to those I had harmed through my anger, impatience, procrastination, and other character defects.  I had lashed out in anger over trivial matters at work and I needed to add these people to my list.  I had lied to others about being late to meetings or appointments, I had to make amends to these people as well.

The second core concept is that in working Step 8, I only had to make a list.  I could not worry about the actual amends process, all I needed was a list of names and the harm I had done to them.  My list became rather long but my sponsor helped me trim it down by consolidating “anonymous” sex partners and separating them from people I actually associate with on a daily basis.  I would not make face-to-face amends with these former sex partners, but that is a discussion for next month and Step 9.  The bottom line is, make a list, that is all.  I couldn’t worry about how I was going to get in contact with these people or how I would make amends.  All I had to do is make a list with names and write down the specifics of how I harmed them with my character defects or my sexual acting out.

The third core concept is that I had to become willing to make amends to all of them.  Wanting to make amends and becoming willing to make amends are two different concepts.  I want to make amends to everyone I had harmed, but was I truly willing to do so?  I needed to review the harm I had caused them with my sponsor in step 8 (and later in again in step 9) and then become willing to make amends to them in order to “clean up my side of the street.”  For me, I was willing when I was able to empathize with the pain my character defects had caused them.  I was able to understand the harm I had caused them, leaving my selfish addicted-filled shell behind and truly empathized with these people.

Many tears were shed during my Step 8 meetings with my sponsor.  God had opened my eyes (and heart) to the harm I had caused others in my out-of-control lifestyle.  I was now ready to move on to working on Step 9.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

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Saturday Morning Meeting Topic, 07/07/2012 – Step 7 Step Study

We Humbly Ask God to Remove All Our Shortcomings.
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)

In step 4, we listed our character defects, in step 5, we admitted them to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, and in step 6, we became entirely ready for God, not us, to remove our defects of character.  Now, in step 7, we ask God to remove all of our shortcomings and we do it humbly.

So what does it mean to be humble?  Of course, as an engineer, I have to list the definition so as to avoid confusion:

hum·ble/ˈhəmbəl/
Adjective: Having or showing a modest or low estimate of one’s own importance.
Verb: Lower (someone) in dignity or importance:  “I knew I had to humble myself to ask for His help”.

In understanding what humble really means, I was able to really submit to God by lowering my own importance well beneath that of God’s importance.  In my addiction, Sexual acting out was my “god” and I was it’s only begotten son.  I was the most important man in my life, I did not care about others, only about my own sexual satisfaction or own personal wants.  After I hit rock bottom and I saw my powerless over sexual acting out and how crazy my life had become I began the process of becoming humble; well, actually God began that for me.  I then saw how insane my behavior truly was, I needed help from my higher power, in my case God thus lowering my own importance compared to Him and to others around me.  I then went on to give myself to Him on a daily basis, not always perfect, but progressing in the process of turning my life and will over to God’s care.  And then I did my internal search and saw who I really had become.  I listed my character defects and all my wrongs and I really knew I needed His help.

As an addict, I am too familiar with humiliation so I must distinguish between humility and humiliation.  The SAA Green Book defines humility as being teachable, vulnerable, and open.   I need to be open to new ways of thinking and new ways of living my life.  I need to be teachable and learn these new ideas as well as emotionally vulnerable to others, asking for their help as my recovery continues.  Humility, for me, is not walking up steps on my bare knees to show that I a humble worshiper, it is not dragging a 200lb+ cross on my back as I whip myself (or others whip me) with torture whips from the Roman Empire era.  The latter two seem more like humiliation … to me.

Just asking for help from others is an act of humility and of being humble.  Understanding that I can’t do this by myself is a wonderful gift; it feels great to know that I am not all powerful and I need help, every day.  I also have come to the understanding that change occurs on God’s time, not mine.  As an addict, I was used to the quick fix, the instant gratification, the quick escape.  In my early recovery, I felt the same could be done for my healing; quick and easy with no pain or suffering!  I was very, very wrong!  I often commented how I would have entered recovery 10+ years earlier than I did and the comments I received back after many meetings was, “it’s all in God’s time, not ours.”  It took me working through my own recovery to really realize that everything happens on God’s time, when God says the time is right, not when I say it is.  I also need to keep in mind that I need not be concerned with the results, all I need to do is ask.

One of my favorite ways God works in my life is through other people in and outside of recovery.  I often state in my weekly Bible reading group that God uses men (and women) around us to speak to us.  Sometimes these people “tell it like it is” and point out to me a character defect that has risen up, which in turn allows me to be entirely ready and then humbly ask God to remove it!  There are many other ways God uses people to do His work in our lives, but that is subject for another post.

It isn’t until we have looked at all these character defects and humbly asked God to remove them that we are ready to repair any harm we have done in the past.  If we do not look closely at these character defects, they might come forward during our amends, things like pride, resentment, fears, etc… might interfere with our Step 8.  So it is important to be in a place in our recovery where we can have these character defects removed (even just temporarily enough) so we can move forward and make the list of the persons we had harmed, without having these all too familiar character defects pop up and interfere with the recovery process.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

In today’s topic I read from the Twelve Steps for Christians and the SAA Green Book

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic 6/30/2012 – Video – God’s Chisel

Sometimes we feel pain when God chisels away the bad things in our lives, especially our character defects!

When God chisels the dead weight out of our lives it can be quite painful. In this new high quality, remastered version of their most requested skit, Tommy and Eddie give a very creative look at a typical believer having to go through the process of discipline.

The writer of Ephesians says “For we are God’s workmanship” (Eph. 2:10). Elsewhere we’re described as a “poem.” God views us as being his original masterpiece.

Skit Guys website with remastered video:
http://skitguys.com/videos/item/gods-chisel

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic 6/09/12 – Working Step 6

Working Step 6

Step 6: We were entirely ready to have God remove our defects of character.
“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.” (James 4:10)

In working step 6 I need to come to an understanding of God and who He is in my life.  I also need to be able to re-word step 6 as follows: We were entirely ready to have God, not me, remove our defects of character.  In adding those two simple words, I have come to understand that it is God, not me, who will remove my defects of character.  There is nothing I can do to help this other than be entirely ready.

Understanding that there is a difference between wanting and being entirely ready is very important.  In the past, I wanted God to remove my defects of character, but I was not entirely ready.  I had grown up using these defects of character to protect myself, to survive.  Some of these defects of character such as lack of patience, anger, and control helped get me through college and early on into my career as an engineer.  I would use these defects of character to my advantage, not realizing that they would be part of my demise and are at the root of why I would act out constantly with my sexual addiction, my rage, alcohol, or drug use.

In order to understand my acting out behavior, I have to understand that my “malady has roots” and these roots are my character defects.  I can cut down the tree of “sexual addiction” on my life, but if I don’t cut out the roots, then the tree will continue to grow.  Side note, I actually experienced this recently when I tried to cut down a tree in my back yard.  Although, I cut it down, it was still partially connected to the roots, as I had to leave the roots in because they were so deep.  Within a few days, green leaves were growing on what was left of the tree, laying on the ground.  Then, after removing the actual tree, the roots started sprouting new stems with leaves.  With enough time, a new tree would have grown in the old tree’s place.  I finally had to kill the roots in order to ultimately kill the tree.  So too, must we identify and kill these roots, or have our higher power do it.  We have to be entirely ready to have God remove the roots of our addiction, for if we do not, then the “addiction tree” will continue to grow!

When we are entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character, when we have finally had enough of our acting out in various ways, when we have finally said enough is enough, and been truly entirely ready to have God remove negative character traits which use to keep us alive, we can move on to Step 7.

In working this step study, I read from two different books, The Twelve Steps for Christians and the SAA Green Book.

Take what you like and leave the rest.