CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

alcohol

By

Glued

I saw this short animated film and couldn’t think of my own childhood. GLUED to the TV, to video games, and to my “secret” aka pornography…..

It’s easy for parents to sit their children in front of the television/video game system also known as the “babysitter” while the parent gets things done.  My beliefs are, they only need to do this for a short period of time and as much as I personally don’t like to be outside (thanks to my indoor childhood), I try to jump at the opportunity when my daughters ask to go outside and play, or encourage it!  It’s not always easy, a lot of times I am tired, there are mosquitos or other bugs, it’s hot in the summer, etc…  But the more time I spend with them away from the TV/Video Games, the better off they might be later on in life, having learned the skills to associate with others, not isolate the way I did (and sometimes still do).

If you want to know how a child become and “addict” watch this short movie.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

By

Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic, 11-10-2012 – The Amazing Lie-O-Matic

I feel every sex addict (and their spouse) should read this article by Dr. Johnson on why addicts lie and why some continue to lie.  This is not an excuse for continued lying, but an understanding why sometimes a lie is the first and only response an addict can give.  In recovery, we must practice rigorous honesty, something we lacked for a majority of our lives.  Progress, not perfection!

The Amazing Lie-O-Matic
(author: A. Michael Johnson, Ph.D. PLLCJ)
04/15/2004

Addicts lie. They lie to maintain their double lives. Maybe some addicts learn to lie just to support their addiction, but usually not. Lying usually begins much earlier. Children learn to lie if their parents and other caregivers are too fragile to handle the truth. They learn the skill of lying to manage the emotions and behavior of their caregivers. They learn to lie to protect themselves from punishment, shame, anger, judgment, and rejection. Those things are toxic caregiver junk. The learning doesn’t happen all at once.

Children start out speaking the truth. It’s the obvious, easy thing to do. If the caregiver loves and accepts the child as the child speaks the truth, regardless of the content of the truth, the child keeps speaking the truth. But if the child gets junk from an adult after speaking the truth, the child begins to lie. Each time a child gets junk after she or he tells the truth, a little bit of learning happens. An alarm begins to develop. The alarm says, “Warning, Warning, Warning -You will get junk for speaking the truth -Warning, Warning, Warning – Protect yourself”. After a while, that response becomes quite automatic. It bypasses the part of the brain that could assess the reality of the situation. The decision to lie becomes automatic. A Lie-O-Matic is installed in the child’s brain.

Why don’t kids just take the toxic shaming caregiver junk? Children and other humans require continuous proof that they will survive right now. For children, the language of that proof is love, acceptance, attention, and evidence that their caregivers know what they are doing. When children get that proof, they feel safe and they tell the truth. But, when they do not get that proof, they feel a bone deep, primal fear that utter annihilation is at hand. Like any other animal, they do what is possible to feel safer. One thing to do to feel safer is to lie. Survival is the fundamental thing – more important than the truth.

There is a danger detector in the Lie-O-Matic. The detector sets off the alarm when the fear of annihilation occurs. The Lie-O-Matic sets its level based on experience. It optimizes protection. Suppose a kid gets junk when she tells the truth about cleaning her room but does not get junk When she tells the truth about doing her homework. The alarm will go off around room cleaning but will not go off around homework. If a kid gets toxic junk when he tells the truth about his feelings, he will come to lie about his feelings. If a kid gets junk for talking about her perceptions, she will come to lie about her perceptions. If the kid has been really, really, scared, more lying will happen. If a kid has been less scared, less lying will happen. The Lie-O-Matic is a clever, sensitive, flexible device.

Like all good alarms, the Lie-O-Matic alarm bypasses unnecessary steps. It operates largely outside of awareness. The alarm triggers the unconsidered decision to lie. The Lie-O-Matic does not prevent the person from being aware that she or he is lying. In fact, the Lie-O-Matic instructs the person to lie. But the content of the lie requires that the person tune into the facts of the situation and use their imagination. That is certainly a conscious process. The Lie-O-Matic does prevent the person from thinking about why he or she is lying. The decision to lie is automatic.

When the Lie-O-Matic is first installed and adjusted it is a subjective truth that the kid will be annihilated by too much caregiver junk. When you are a kid, you think like a kid, feel like a kid, act like a kid, and lie like a kid. As an adult, when the Lie-O-Matic alarm goes off, you again feel like a kid and, so feeling like a kid and with the decision already made, you again lie like a kid. Lying to avoid toxic junk was a good and safe short cut when you were a kid. But now you can use your mature mind and resources to keep you safe. You can no longer be annihilated by what is now phantom caregiver toxic junk. Now the Lie-O-Matic is a problem and a part of the psychological system that supports your addiction. The Lie-O-Matic and its Lie Ability is truly a liability.

Fortunately, the Lie-O-Matic system includes two signals that are detectable and that can be used in a scheme to recover conscious control of the alarm. The first of these signals is the experience of fear. However, faint, the fear that triggers the Lie-O-Matic can be detected by the healthy and mature part of your brain. This part of your brain may need practice learning to detect this signal, but with effort and help, that can be done. The second signal that can be detected is the activation of the fabrication system. The fabrication system constructs the particular lie before it is uttered. It invents new lies, searches the archives for old lies that have worked, or old truths that can be used as lies. It assesses the plausibility and discoverability of lies, and keeps a record, however imperfect, of lies told. One of the delightful aspects of the fabrication system is that it takes time to decide what to do. Lying takes more time than does telling the truth. It is a fairly simple thing to develop a mindful oversight of the fabrication system so that rational, fact-based, mature decisions can replace those mandated by the Lie-O-Matic.

With these two sets of signals in mind, one can make more rational and mature decisions about lying. Often, there are more healing and effective ways to soothe the frightened child within us. Often we can see the harm we do others and ourselves when we choose to lie. Often we can predict the shame we will feel by lying and avoid that shame. Often, we can stay in the truth.

Understanding how you came to be a liar is important because it helps to strengthen your compassion for yourself. You did not learn to lie because you were a bad person. You learned to lie because you were a frightened child protecting himself. That understanding is not a justification for continuing to lie. The understanding helps to remove obstacles to living in the truth. And living in the truth is a central thread in the fabric of recovery.

By

Porn Star Finds a New Life

I would caution those who are “new” to recovery about reading this article.  Although this is a great story about someone entering recovery, the fact that she was a former porn star can be triggering and harmful to someone new or unstable in their recovery from sexual addiction.  That being said, I urge all of you NOT to go searching for more information on this individual as this could constitute a form of acting out.

Porn Star Finds a New Life   

When Jennie Ketcham went on Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew to boost her porn career, she had no idea she had a problem—or that a TV show would help her find a solution.

By McCarton Ackerman

08/01/12

It’s taken Jennie Ketcham a long time to become Jennie Ketcham.

From 2002 to 2009, when she went by the name ***** *****, Ketcham starred in over 200 porns, picking up numerous AVN Awards (Oscars in the porn world) in the process. She felt she’d exhausted every possible angle as an actress in the porn world and was hoping to get into the business side. With that in mind, Ketcham signed on to appear in the 2008 reality show Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew. But something funny happened when she got there: Ketchum realized not only that she had been using drugs and alcohol as a way of numbing herself for on-camera sex scenes because they were becoming traumatic but also that she was also a sex addict who was unable to form close relationships with people.

Within two weeks of entering treatment, Ketcham decided to completely abandon the porn industry. She continued to chronicle her recovery on another Dr. Drew spinoff, Sober House, and has been free from alcohol, drugs and the sex industry for over three years.

These days, she’s a full-time student with plans to go to grad school and is sharing her story in a new memoir, I Am Jennie. In this exclusive interview, Ketcham talks about dealing with a significantly reduced income since leaving the industry, her motives for entering the Pasadena Recovery Center and the Sober House producer she says intentionally tried to make cast members fall off the wagon.

When I left rehab, it was obvious I had no marketable job skills and that was a huge reality check.

What made you decide to write this memoir?

Initially, it all started with my blog. I thought that if I made a public statement about how difficult it is to struggle with sex addiction, and focused as well on my struggles with drug and alcohol addiction, it would make me much less inclined to go back into the adult business. I didn’t want that to even be an option. The memoir came about when an agent of Dr. Drew’s told me I needed to write a book. I had this powerhouse of support with the medical staff from the Sex Rehab show like Dr. Drew, as well as [therapist] Jill Vermeire and [psychiatrist] Dr. Reef Karim, both of whom had been seeing me pro bono since the show ended.

They all felt this could book could help so many people. It was obviously cathartic to write about my past and know I can open and close that book. But the response I’ve gotten from people who have told me my blog really helped them was a big reason for writing it. The book could reach people on a much larger scale.

How has the transition out of the porn industry been for you since Sober House ended?

We finished shooting that about three-and-a-half years ago. Since then, I’m now a full-time senior in college and pursuing a degree in psychology, with plans to go to grad school. I’m also working as a hostess at a Pan-Asian restaurant, learning to live on reasonable means while still being self-supporting. I have done nothing in the adult industry since April, 2009. I don’t even get money from any of my past videos, so there’s no financial gain from that—as frustrating as that might be at the first of the month sometimes. [Laughs].

You mentioned in an interview that girls in the porn industry can make up to $15,000 a month. Was it difficult to go from that kind of salary to $10 or $12 an hour as a hostess?

I wish I made $12 an hour! [Laughs]. To be honest, I could’ve made much more than 15 grand a month in that industry so the difference was initially difficult to wrap my mind around. I was convinced that I was a bigger-than-life person. But when I left rehab, it was obvious I had no marketable job skills and that was a huge reality check. I didn’t deserve to make more than $10 an hour because I hadn’t put in the time to develop skills that would pay more than that. It made me realize how entitled I’d become to think I deserved so much just because I sold sex for a living.

You also mentioned that even though a lot of girls in the porn industry made that kind of money, they still had trouble paying their bills. Do you chalk that up to drug addiction or just mismanaging their money?

I think it can all be lumped together. Whether you’re wasting money on cocaine or dresses, not being able to manage your money is usually a sign of something bigger. I mismanage my money when I’m not being healthy and those financial issues are one of my biggest hurdles. People often get sober and freak out when they look at their financial past. They either run out and use again or they say, “I can’t ever use again because this is what happens when I do.”

Has your past in the adult industry ever come back to haunt you at the restaurant or when you’re on a date?

When I first started working at the restaurant, I didn’t tell anyone about having been in porn because I didn’t want to define myself that way. I do get recognized occasionally, but it’s more from the Dr. Drew shows. People have come up to me quietly and said, “I just wanted to say that I saw you on TV and really admire you. I think it’s great you’re here now.”

That being said, I had to deal with one really drunk guy at the restaurant on a Saturday night that kept going, “It’s her! I know it’s her!” His friend goes, “I’m really sorry, my friend thinks you’re someone you’re not. He thinks you’re a porn star.” I told him I wasn’t and the guy goes, “No, not is. Was a porn star!”  I owned up to it and then just went into the back room. I didn’t want to deal with it.

It’s not haunting. It’s simply why I don’t do it anymore. For every drunk guy like that, there’s a feeling they could get away with a butt slap or a grab and it’s a reminder of the total lack of boundaries I once had. I’m just really proud that I’m now able to have those boundaries and respect myself.

When you talk about sex in the porn industry being a traumatic experience for you, did you know it was traumatic at the time or was it only when you got to rehab?

I don’t want to have this hindsight bias where I’m like, “I always knew this was f***** up.” I had a good time in the industry and didn’t ever think I was recreating the trauma of my youth. I knew I had intimacy issues simply because I’d never had a relationship. I thought I had a cocaine problem when I was using it at the moment, but never thought I had a drinking problem. A lot of these things surfaced once I got into treatment.

How many of the people who go on these shows do you think genuinely want to get better?

[Filmmaker] Duncan Roy, who was on Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew, always tells people he went on the show for a Los Angeles adventure. Obviously some people have done it as a career booster and that’s not surprising. I honestly feel like whatever gets you in the door is fine, though. Unfortunately, what got a lot of people in is the promise of revamping their career but the motives are irrelevant. Once you get in there, you have a chance of getting better. I went in thinking this was going to give me so much exposure in the porn industry and after two weeks of treatment, I decided not to do porn anymore.

In your book, you write about a producer on Sober House getting loaded on sake in front of the cast and encouraging Seth Binzer (lead singer of Crazy Town) to break the rules of treatment. Is that something you blame Dr. Drew for, or do you consider him separate from the rest of the crew?

Dr. Drew is 100 percent separate from the producers and the show. He’s a big part of the rehab and therapy that helps us get better. Unfortunately, my experience on Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew was completely different from the one on Sober House. Sober House is reality TV at its finest. He comes in and does the rehab, but when he goes home at night we’re left to our own devices. And the producers were looking for ways to stir things up because the struggle of people trying to get better wasn’t compelling enough to them.

After that incident though, I called Dr. Drew and one of the head producers that night and freaked the f*** out. Drew was on my side and things changed immediately afterwards. He’s not doing Sober House anymore because he realized how little control he had.

What does the after-treatment plan for sex addiction look like? It’s not like alcoholism where you can say, “I won’t ever have sex again.”

It’s an individualized plan and the way mine was set up almost looked like a bulls-eye. The inner circle consisted of behaviors that would trigger a relapse like sex for money, drinking alcohol or using drugs. The middle circle was slippery territory like masturbation, which had the potential to become chronic and compulsive.

What’s difficult for people to grasp about sex addiction is that sex is a fundamental and necessary part of our lives. We have to have it. You don’t have to have alcohol. That being said, even if you abstain from drinking, you can white knuckle it the whole time and not have that emotional sobriety. In working through sex addiction, you’re learning how to have an emotionally sober lifestyle and that’s absolutely necessary for recovery.

What advice would you give to people who are trying to maintain their sobriety?

Have good people surrounding you. I’ve been blessed to have such an amazing network of support like Dr. Drew and Jill and Dr. Reef. Taking part in anonymous programs has helped me stay accountable as well. And spirituality has become very important to me also. I pray every morning and try to pray every night.

By

Castimonia Monday Night Meeting Topic – Step 9 Step Study

Step 9: We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
“Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.  Honor one another above yourselves.  If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:10,18)

Today’s meeting is the first meeting of the month which is typically a “Step Study” of the corresponding month.  Since September is the 9th month, we reviewed Step 9 in both The Twelve Steps for Christians and the SAA Green Book.

I believe the most important reason to make amends is to clean up “our side of the street.”  When we make amends to others, we are not asking for their forgiveness, we are simply taking ownership of what we did to wrong them and offering to “pay” for the damage we caused.  This “payment” can be done in terms of actual money or other non-financial reparations that need to be made in order to offset the damage we have done, such as being emotionally present if we were emotionally absent in our addiction.

In making amends, we do not concern ourselves with the out come of the amends or the other person’s reaction.  Their reaction is not a reflection on how well or poorly we made amends, that is their business and none of ours.  Our only task in making amends is to take ownership for what we did wrong and make amends as previously mentioned.

Some of the best amends we can make to others are what are called “living amends” or basically a change in lifestyle.  When our friends, family, etc… see that we are now living a different lifestyle filled with gratitude and thanksgiving, then our amends become living.  The change that began in the first few steps is now seen as evident when we make amends to others.  This change continues as we grow in maturity and in connection with God.

Finally, we must understand the second part of step 9 – except when to do those would injure them or others.  This is extremely important if our amends to certain individuals will harm them more than do good.  Perhaps they no long wish to have any contact with us, therefore, we respect their decisions and make amends privately, written in a letter form, to our Sponsor.  This is also true for those of us who are married and wish to make amends to old acting-out partners.  Amends to these past partners should only be done if our spouse approves of the amends and method, and maybe tags along too!  Many spouses do not want the addict to make contact with old acting-out partners, which is a completely acceptable request from the spouse.  In these cases, we also write letters to our old acting out partners and read those amends letters to our sponsor.

By

Saturday Morning Meeting Topic, 07/07/2012 – Step 7 Step Study

We Humbly Ask God to Remove All Our Shortcomings.
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)

In step 4, we listed our character defects, in step 5, we admitted them to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, and in step 6, we became entirely ready for God, not us, to remove our defects of character.  Now, in step 7, we ask God to remove all of our shortcomings and we do it humbly.

So what does it mean to be humble?  Of course, as an engineer, I have to list the definition so as to avoid confusion:

hum·ble/ˈhəmbəl/
Adjective: Having or showing a modest or low estimate of one’s own importance.
Verb: Lower (someone) in dignity or importance:  “I knew I had to humble myself to ask for His help”.

In understanding what humble really means, I was able to really submit to God by lowering my own importance well beneath that of God’s importance.  In my addiction, Sexual acting out was my “god” and I was it’s only begotten son.  I was the most important man in my life, I did not care about others, only about my own sexual satisfaction or own personal wants.  After I hit rock bottom and I saw my powerless over sexual acting out and how crazy my life had become I began the process of becoming humble; well, actually God began that for me.  I then saw how insane my behavior truly was, I needed help from my higher power, in my case God thus lowering my own importance compared to Him and to others around me.  I then went on to give myself to Him on a daily basis, not always perfect, but progressing in the process of turning my life and will over to God’s care.  And then I did my internal search and saw who I really had become.  I listed my character defects and all my wrongs and I really knew I needed His help.

As an addict, I am too familiar with humiliation so I must distinguish between humility and humiliation.  The SAA Green Book defines humility as being teachable, vulnerable, and open.   I need to be open to new ways of thinking and new ways of living my life.  I need to be teachable and learn these new ideas as well as emotionally vulnerable to others, asking for their help as my recovery continues.  Humility, for me, is not walking up steps on my bare knees to show that I a humble worshiper, it is not dragging a 200lb+ cross on my back as I whip myself (or others whip me) with torture whips from the Roman Empire era.  The latter two seem more like humiliation … to me.

Just asking for help from others is an act of humility and of being humble.  Understanding that I can’t do this by myself is a wonderful gift; it feels great to know that I am not all powerful and I need help, every day.  I also have come to the understanding that change occurs on God’s time, not mine.  As an addict, I was used to the quick fix, the instant gratification, the quick escape.  In my early recovery, I felt the same could be done for my healing; quick and easy with no pain or suffering!  I was very, very wrong!  I often commented how I would have entered recovery 10+ years earlier than I did and the comments I received back after many meetings was, “it’s all in God’s time, not ours.”  It took me working through my own recovery to really realize that everything happens on God’s time, when God says the time is right, not when I say it is.  I also need to keep in mind that I need not be concerned with the results, all I need to do is ask.

One of my favorite ways God works in my life is through other people in and outside of recovery.  I often state in my weekly Bible reading group that God uses men (and women) around us to speak to us.  Sometimes these people “tell it like it is” and point out to me a character defect that has risen up, which in turn allows me to be entirely ready and then humbly ask God to remove it!  There are many other ways God uses people to do His work in our lives, but that is subject for another post.

It isn’t until we have looked at all these character defects and humbly asked God to remove them that we are ready to repair any harm we have done in the past.  If we do not look closely at these character defects, they might come forward during our amends, things like pride, resentment, fears, etc… might interfere with our Step 8.  So it is important to be in a place in our recovery where we can have these character defects removed (even just temporarily enough) so we can move forward and make the list of the persons we had harmed, without having these all too familiar character defects pop up and interfere with the recovery process.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

In today’s topic I read from the Twelve Steps for Christians and the SAA Green Book