CASTIMONIA

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ANTHEM: Strategies for Fighting Lust

Originally posted at: http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/anthem-strategies-for-fighting-lust

November 5, 2001
by John Piper

I have in mind men and women. For men it’s obvious. The need for warfare against the bombardment of visual temptation to fixate on sexual images is urgent. For women it is less obvious, but just as great if we broaden the scope of temptation to food or figure or relational fantasies. When I say “lust” I mean the realm of thought, imagination, and desire that leads to sexual misconduct. So here is one set of strategies in the war against wrong desires. I put it in the form of an acronym, A N T H E M.

A – AVOID as much as is possible and reasonable the sights and situations that arouse unfitting desire. I say “possible and reasonable” because some exposure to temptation is inevitable. And I say “unfitting desire” because not all desires for sex, food, and family are bad. We know when they are unfitting and unhelpful and on their way to becoming enslaving. We know our weaknesses and what triggers them. “Avoiding” is a Biblical strategy. “Flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness” (2 Timothy 2:22). “Make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires” (Romans 13:14).

N – Say NO to every lustful thought within five seconds. And say it with the authority of Jesus Christ. “In the name of Jesus, NO!” You don’t have much more than five seconds. Give it more unopposed time than that, and it will lodge itself with such force as to be almost immovable. Say it out loud if you dare. Be tough and warlike. As John Owen said, “Be killing sin or it will be killing you.” Strike fast and strike hard. “Resist the devil, and he will flee from you” ( James 4:7).

T – TURN the mind forcefully toward Christ as a superior satisfaction. Saying “no” will not suffice. You must move from defense to offense. Fight fire with fire. Attack the promises of sin with the promises of Christ. The Bible calls lusts “deceitful desires” (Ephesians 4:22). They lie. They promise more than they can deliver. The Bible calls them “passions of your former ignorance” (1 Peter 1:14). Only fools yield. “All at once he follows her, as an ox goes to the slaughter” (Proverbs 7:22). Deceit is defeated by truth. Ignorance is defeated by knowledge. It must be glorious truth and beautiful knowledge. This is why I wrote Seeing and Savoring Jesus Christ. We must stock our minds with the superior promises and pleasures of Jesus. Then we must turn to them immediately after saying, “NO!”

H – HOLD the promise and the pleasure of Christ firmly in your mind until it pushes the other images out. “Fix your eyes on Jesus” (Hebrews 3:1). Here is where many fail. They give in too soon. They say, “I tried to push it out, and it didn’t work.” I ask, “How long did you try?” How hard did you exert your mind? The mind is a muscle. You can flex it with vehemence. Take the kingdom violently (Matthew 11:12). Be brutal. Hold the promise of Christ before your eyes. Hold it. Hold it! Don’t let it go! Keep holding it! How long? As long as it takes. Fight! For Christ’s sake, fight till you win! If an electric garage door were about to crush your child you would hold it up with all our might and holler for help, and hold it and hold it and hold it and hold it.

E – ENJOY a superior satisfaction. Cultivate the capacities for pleasure in Christ. One reason lust reigns in so many is that Christ has so little appeal. We default to deceit because we have little delight in Christ. Don’t say, “That’s just not me.” What steps have you taken to waken affection for Jesus? Have you fought for joy? Don’t be fatalistic. You were created to treasure Christ with all your heart – more than you treasure sex or sugar. If you have little taste for Jesus, competing pleasures will triumph. Plead with God for the satisfaction you don’t have: “Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days” (Psalm 90:14). Then look, look, look at the most magnificent Person in the universe until you see him the way he is.

M – MOVE into a useful activity away from idleness and other vulnerable behaviors. Lust grows fast in the garden of leisure. Find a good work to do, and do it with all your might. “Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord” (Romans 12:11). “Be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord” (1 Corinthians 15:58). Abound in work. Get up and do something. Sweep a room. Hammer a nail. Write a letter. Fix a faucet. And do it for Jesus’ sake. You were made to manage and create. Christ died to make you “zealous for good deeds” (Titus 2:14). Displace deceitful lusts with a passion for good deeds.

Fighting at your side,

Pastor John

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Clues that a Disloyal Spouse Has Really Changed

http://affaircare.com/2014/05/04/clues-that-a-disloyal-has-really-changed/

by Cindy at Affaircare

“Please don’t cut off all contact with me.  If you do there will be no chance of reconciling, and I want to change. I’m serious. What if I change and you’ve closed the door on our marriage?”

We’ve all heard these words like these from our Disloyal Spouse, or if we are the Disloyal Spouse, we’ve said something to this effect to our Loyal Spouse, and with those words the Loyal plunges into a sea of confusion and uncertainty. What if  their spouse DOES change? What if they HAVE ALREADY changed? What if they are in the process of changing? Should I forgive them? How can I tell if they mean it or if they are just saying it to get what they want?

The way to tell if a person has really changed or not is outlined for us in Ephesians 4, specifically starting with verses 22-24:

“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” – Ephesians 4:22-24

In this chapter, Paul itemizes for us the four steps involved in TRUE change (transformation):

  1. Put off your former way of life–your old self –vs. 22.
  2. Be made new in your mind –vs. 23.
  3. Put on a new life that is like God–true righteousness and true holiness –vs. 24.
  4. You’ll a demonstration of the change in the way you live –25-32.

This is also true for the person who was formerly a cheater and has now had a true transformation in their attitude and life.  They will also go through all four of these steps and all four will be observable and obvious.

First, they will “put off their former way of life”, so if they were formerly a flirt or they watched porn or they met others through chat rooms, they will STOP THAT.  If your Disloyal is telling you that they’ve changed will still engaging in their affair or still going to the internet to chat for hours, then they have not really changed.  The very first step is to stop doing what they used to do.

But just stopping the activity is not enough.  Imagine a person who is an alcoholic.  If all they do is stop putting liquor to their lips and swallowing, they haven’t changed inside.  They haven’t changed their minds, their thoughts, their attitudes toward alcohol at all!  So the second step in authentic change is to actually change your MIND–renew it.  We have to change what we think (the words and when, etc.), and this will change our attitude, which is our “set way of thinking or feeling about someone or something, typically one that is reflected in a person’s behavior.”  When a Disloyal is sincere in their change, they will not only stop being unfaithful, but will also change the way they think about infidelity and they will change what infidelity means to them.  Whereas they used to see unfaithfulness as “fun” and “exciting” and “enjoyable” they will have renewed their minds and said “STOP” every time they thought of their Affair Partner and instead replaced it with the truth about the AP: they lack character and morals!  And whereas they used to think of their spouse as “a nag” and “a prude” and “controlling” they will have renewed their minds and said “STOP” every time they thought like that and replaced it with the truth about their spouse: they were deeply hurt and still had the courage and grace to hang in there!

Now right about here, a lot of Loyal Spouses are fooled, because often a Disloyal can convince their Loyal Spouse that they have stopped talking to or spending time with their AP, and they can even say the right words that seem to indicate their attitude toward adultery has changed.  But Loyal Spouses–word of warning!  Stopping the behavior and saying words that seem like the thinking has changed IS NOT ENOUGH to indicate true, repentant change.  The third step is a necessary condition.  Verse 24 tells us that true repentance (true change) requires that they also put on a new self.

Finally, if Paul had left it at that, we might have been left to wonder what he meant or had to speculate about what “new self” he was asking us to model, but Paul didn’t do that.  He gave us four practical illustrations of what it means to truly put off, renew, and put on a new self:

  1. The lying person not only stops his/her lying, but s/he begins to speak the truth–vs. 25.
  2. The thief not only stops taking from people, but s/he does something useful with his/her hands and becomes a giver–vs. 28.
  3. The person who swore and tore down with his/her words stops their crudeness and begins to build others up with their tongue–vs. 29.
  4. The harsh, angry, malicious person puts his/her bitterness away, and starts spreading kindness wherever s/he goes–vs. 31.

We can see that the person is doing 180 degrees the opposite of what they used to be doing, and more importantly, the person has taken the time for their life to demonstrate, through their behavior and actions, that they are DIFFERENT!

So we have a guide for telling when a Disloyal Spouse has had a real change.  When you see all four steps, then you know that things are truly different and the repentance is honest.  If you see that they have stopped committing adultery; if they have renewed their mind and how they think about their spouse and marriage; if they have put on a new self and it is 180 degrees the opposite of what they were doing; and if they invest the time to demonstrate in their life the new way of behaving…then it is real.  If you don’t see all four steps, then it’s not real change.

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CASTIMONIA Book – Revised Edition

https://www.createspace.com/5554305

I am humbled to announce the “official” publishing of our ministry’s resource book:

CASTIMONIA

THUMBNAIL_IMAGE

Authored by Servants of Christ
Edition: First Edition (Revised)

I want to thank everyone that sent feedback to the Castimonia Literature Committee (or me) on the First Edition of the book, or the “First 50” copies.  Bill W. of Alcoholics Anonymous had the privilege of having the “First 40” of the Big Book of AA reviewed and thus Castimonia was fortunate enough to have the “First 50” reviewed.  All feedback was appreciated and changes were made to the original First Edition in order to better help men who struggle with Sexual Purity.

Castimonia is Latin for “moral purity” something every man should strive for.

Castimonia is a Christ-centered 12-Step Support and Recovery program for sexual impurity or sexual addiction with the goal to achieve a Biblically-based sexual purity. We share our experience, strength, and hope with each other so that we may achieve sexual purity and help others overcome sexual impurity or compulsive sexual behaviors.

This book is used for working the 12-step Castimonia program and should be used with the guidance of a Sponsor only.  The revised first edition includes text on a proper sexual purity recovery program, a thorough working of the 12 Steps, stories from men in the group, and a work book for working the 12-Steps.

Many thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous and Sex Addicts Anonymous for paving the way in the 12-Step world as well as the countless men in recovery and the therapists that have helped facilitate God’s healing of their wounds.  Most importantly, thank you to the patient spouses who have put up with our issues long enough to make this ministry and book possible.

Original Publication Date: August 22, 2015
Revised Edition Publication Date: January 20, 2016

ISBN/EAN13: 151531023X / 978-1515310235
Page Count: 454
Binding Type: US Trade Paper
Trim Size: 6″ x 9″
Language: English
Color: Black and White
Related Categories: Self-Help / Twelve-Step Programs

The book can be purchased at any Castimonia meeting  or via the Create Space store. 

If you are a man struggling with Sexual Purity and would like to purchase a copy of the book for the same amount as sold at Castimonia meetings ($20) please contact the publisher, Armaturam, LLC for a discount rate: Jorge@Armaturam.org

https://www.createspace.com/5554305

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Marital Intimacy Destroyers – Wives

Marital Intimacy Destroyers – Wives

by applyingmybeliefs

There are ordinary things each of us does that impede, lessen or even destroy intimacy in marriages.  Men do some to their wives, and wives do some to their husbands.  Here we are going to look at five everyday behaviors that wives do that diminish the intimacy in marriage.

  1. Consistently rejects a husband’s sexual advances. Part of the way a man connects (has intimacy) with his wife is through sex.  When his wife consistently rejects his reasonable requests for sex, he internalizes it as a rejection of himself.  In this wives ought to try to remember that in a marriage she is the only one who can legitimately provide him with this activity.  Not providing a realistic amount of sex pushes him into the territory of wanting sex but not getting it at home.  This runs the risk of making him vulnerable to the many temptations of sexual pleasure our culture offers.
  1. Offers critical appraisal of things in life. When a wife is a critical person, she not only criticizes people and situations around her, but she is critical of her husband, often unknowingly.  Although it is often hard to understand, criticism of a husband’s actions is received as condemnation by men.  This is because men so often internalize what they do as who they are.  So then, critical words, even if they are 100% justified can be destructive to a marriage.  This doesn’t mean a wife cannot criticize, it does mean that criticism needs to be worded thoughtfully and used sparingly.
  1. Fixes his work. In this intimacy destroyer, the wife goes around behind the husband and touches up his work.  For example, if he makes the bed, the wife goes and adjusts something, or he washes the dishes, then the wife rewashes a couple of pieces.  The message is “Buddy, you don’t match up to my standards?”  Is that really smart?  No, because he experiences it as a major slap in the face.  It is far bigger for him than it is for the wife.  A wife will know this is a problem, because the husband most likely won’t say anything, but he will stop trying to help the wife with the chores.
  1. Coveting things that are outside the budget. Often a wife will express a desire to have items that are not affordable.  For example, a new car, designer goods or an exotic vacation.  The husband might hear the first few expressions of unaffordable things and not be impacted.  After that though, he will hear a different message, “You are not a good provider.”  This is going to result in him not wanting to talk with a wife about any of her desires, dreams and wishes, even legitimate and affordable ones.  He might even begin to hide money so that the wife won’t spend on items he thinks they can’t afford.
  1. Putting him down. This is not the same as criticism.  The putting down of a person is a work of judgment and condemnation.  When a wife puts a husband down, and especially if she does it in public or in private to her friends she is emasculating him.  One thing that men really want from a wife is respect, and spousal condemnation destroys a husband’s feeling that his wife respects him.  When this is going on in a relationship the husband probably won’t say a word, but he will check out.

Women – If you’ve read this list and honestly want to know if you do these things, ask him, but don’t be surprised if he won’t tell you what you do to hurt him.  This is because he wants to protect you from himself and any bad news he may have for you.  This list is best discussed with a trained counselor, because sometimes the truth is painful.

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Judgment and Grace – R. C. Sproul Jr. & Ashley Madison

Let’s pray for God’s healing of R. C. Sproul, Jr.  I wish I could tell him that he is not alone.

http://rcsprouljr.com/blog/general/judgment-and-grace/

Monday, August 31, 2015

The message of God’s prophets in the Old Testament amounted to this- God is not pleased with what you are doing. Repent. We miss that prophets were agents of grace as were the judgments promised. The purpose, in both instances, was to be a goad to repentance, a wake-up call. The same is true today as God works in and through providence. For the believer, judgment is always a work of God’s grace, a goad to repentance. Many Christians have bemoaned the destruction wrought by the Ashley Madison hack. The truth of the matter is that just as Ashley Madison did not create unfaithful hearts, so this hack did not create damning exposure. Rather for some it was a means of His grace.

In August 2014, in a moment of weakness, pain, and from an unhealthy curiosity, I visited Ashley Madison. My goal was not to gather research for critical commentary, but to fan the flames of my imagination. There I found two gracious judgments. First, I felt the grace of fear. Second, I felt the grace of shame. I was there long enough to leave an old email address. And within minutes I left, never to return. I did not sign up for their service or interact with any clients. I have always remained faithful to my wife even after her passing.

The grace of God’s judgment bore its fruit, and by His grace I repented of my sin. By His grace, I have also received His forgiveness, the outworking of His love. Prophetic providence had done its good office. Jesus died for this sin, but there are still earthly consequences. With the revelation of the hack has come the revelation of my sin. I recently informed the board of Ligonier Ministries, which has handled the matter internally, having suspended me until July 1, 2016. I also informed my presbytery which is also handling the matter internally. And now the world is informed.

My sin, sadly, has impacted those who are innocent- my colleagues, friends, and family. I have and will continue to seek their forgiveness. I covet your prayers.