I saw this short 5-minute video of Dan Hall from the Scratching the Surface documentary; a documentary dealing with pornography and sexual addiction in the church. Dan speak about how he was caught and what he does now in his own recovery.
spouses
Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic 05-26-2012
This morning’s topic is a “Musical Topic” where I hand out the lyrics to a “recovery-related” song and we all share. This also relates to our work in Step 5. Below are the lyrics and my discussion on the subject:
Born Again
Third Day
Today I found myself
After searching all these years
And the man that I saw, he wasn’t at all who I thought he’d be
I was lost when you found me here
And I was broken beyond repair
Then you came along and you sang your song over me
(Chorus)
It feels like I’m born again
It feels like I’m living
For the very first time
For the very first time
In my life
Make a promise to me now
Reassure my heart somehow
That the love that I feel is so much more real than anything
I’ve a feeling in my soul
And I pray that I’m not wrong
That the life I have now, it is only the beginning
(Chorus)
It feels like I’m breathing
It feels like I’m moving
For the very first time
For the very first time
I wasn’t looking for something that was more
Than what I had yesterday
Then you came to me and you gave to me
Life and a love that I’ve never known
That I’ve never felt before
(Chorus)
It feels like I’m breathing
It feels like I’m moving
For the very first time
I’m living for the first time
In my life
Topic:
The topic for this meeting is to listen to, read, and share about the lyrics to this song. To me, this song has special meaning. This album was released in July 2008 and the music from this album became widely popular in late 2008 and early 2009. Until 2009, I rarely listened to Christian music, as a matter of fact, I had resentment against the genre thinking all these “Christian” artists were just singing to make money and not for God’s glory, but their own. Funny how things change when one hits rock bottom. As I entered recovery early in 2009, I recall listening to various songs from Third Day. I had heard some music from Third Day during my years of addiction, but never paid much attention to the music or the lyrics until Jesus opened my eyes, my heart, and my mind.
After entering recovery, all of a sudden, all these Christian songs made sense! We all had one thing in common, we all needed God at the center of our lives, I needed God, not my addiction, at the center of my life. When I heard the song “Born Again” I recall the tears coming from deep within. The lyrics spoke to me. After searching all these years, I finally saw the man who I was, in my addiction, and I wasn’t at all who I thought I was. When I hit rock bottom, that is when Jesus found me, completely and totally broken beyond repair, or so I thought! And after entering recovery, and trying to live a life of honesty, my life was beginning to feel like I was really living it for the very first time. Such a huge burden was lifted off of me when I entered recovery.
Then, as the female vocalist sings, the meaning for me was twofold. First, it is me asking God to help me believe that this feeling of love I have is real and true and that it is only the beginning. Secondly, as the female sings, I can picture my wife saying these same words, that I promise her that this new love she feels from me and for me is real and true, and that it is just the beginning of something wonderful.
Living a life of recovery, especially after doing a disclosure, is truly liberating and basically a “do-over” in life, not only with our spouses but with all of our loved ones regardless if the marriage, family, or friendship stays intact. God gives us second (and third, and fourth, and fifth, etc…) chances, so let’s make the best of it. When we enter a life of recovery, we truly are Born Again!
Take what you like and leave the rest.
Memorial Day
Today I am grateful for those that gave their lives so that I could enjoy the freedoms I have living in this country which iniclude the freedom to seek help for my addiction and the freedom to choose the recovery program that is best for me and my sobriety.
All Gave Some, Some Gave All….
Jesus Christ, Friend of Sex Addicts
Jesus Christ, Friend of Sex Addicts
What an appropriate title for a blog post on Christian sexual addiction recovery. Understand that what you are about to read cannot literally be found in any Gospel in the Bible, and it is only my version of a man’s life that Jesus Christ experienced. One of the greatest gifts I have received in my own recovery is the knowledge that my “Higher Power” was right there with me at the depth of my suffering. He was there to hold my hand in the darkest of times.
Jesus witnessed sexual abuse in one of his brothers from ages 3 to 7 and observed the suffering, shame and guilt associated with these activities. His brother grew up to become a sex addict. Jesus was there when this boy discovered his father’s pornography collection at age 4 and began viewing pornography almost daily as well as masturbating compulsively until he entered recovery. Again, he felt for the loneliness, shame, and guilt associated with this boy’s addiction. He saw the pain of this boy’s family life and the burden of his secret that kept this boy wanting to escape, and sexual acting out was an easy way for him to escape. However, the cycle was a “Catch 22.” The more pain and suffering this boy experienced because of his sexual acting out, the more this boy wanted to medicate with sexual acting out, and then would come the guilt, shame, pain and suffering from the acting out. It was a never ending cycle! However, Jesus was there with this boy the entire time.
When this boy turned age 17 he visited his first prostitute, Jesus was with him in the room, saddened by his choices. Once the young man crossed this “flesh line,” he was hooked. Pornography was not enough for him; he needed to feel the flesh of a woman. However, this too led to an amount of shame and guilt almost unbearable to any human! Jesus knew it was wrong, he wanted this young man to stop, and turn to Him for the fulfillment of this boy’s needs, but the young man simply could not.
In college, Jesus was with this young man through all the drinking binges, drug use, and sexual acting out he did in order to dull the pain he had and was experiencing. He was there to witness the cries of pain and suffering let out by this young man, who still inside was a much wounded child. Still this young man could not see Him, Jesus, who was right there waiting.
After beginning his professional work, this man continued to view pornography on a daily basis and act out sexually with a variety of women. Each and every time, this man felt full of shame and guilt, and felt completely empty. Why couldn’t he stop? Was this the life God, the father, wanted for him? He tore through relationships with women like pieces of tissue paper. If there was not sexual fulfillment, the relationship was almost worthless. However, because of his fear of abandonment, he chose to stay in loveless, unhealthy, and sometimes violent relationships. The fear of abandonment was gut wrenching, it went down to his core. This fear began by being left alone at such an early age. However, Jesus was with this man in those most lonely of times.
The worst pain and suffering, however, was when this man hit rock bottom. Alone, or so he thought, he prayed to God, the father to spare him this pain and suffering. He begged for help, Jesus saw how this man had destroyed his life, how his life was falling apart. This man had proved his powerlessness by engaging in unsafe and compulsive sexual behavior, over and over, even after making deals with God, the Father, to stop! His life was completely unmanageable, doing things he did not want to do anymore, losing his family, and possibly his life. Suicide was a way out for this man, so he thought. He could not face the pain and suffering anymore, the thought of taking his own life was consuming. The pain and suffering was monumental at this point, he knew things had to change, he needed help, he had to try to fix his life and repair the collateral damage done, but sometimes death seems the easier way out. The choice was his to make… And Jesus was right next to him as he made the choice, hurting for this broken man.
Psalm 34:18 (NIV) – The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
And this is where things began to change for this man. He chose the path of recovery; he was given godly advice by a Christian therapist who told him he might have a sexual addiction. He sought help for his problem and slowly began repairing the damage he had caused to himself and to others. Sometimes we all have to hit that rock bottom in order to know that the Lord is close to us and that he can redeem our life from the pit!
The idea for this post was inspired by the Casting Crowns song, “Jesus, friend of sinners” and a good friend of mine who stated in his blog the following:
“He was a totally innocent person, and yet He was made to take all our sin, and consequent suffering as penalty, so that we would not have to….He suffered like no man has ever suffered or ever will suffer in this life. Perspective is important here; He experienced suffering for literally billions of people, we can only experience suffering for ourselves and empathetically, those we love. To compare our sufferings with the sufferings that Jesus experienced is an insult to God because it minimizes what happened that day.” Read the entire blog post here.
In my view, Jesus not only suffered the wrath of God for my sins, but he also suffered for the pain and suffering associated with my sin. He was right next to me experiencing what I experienced; suffering for me while I suffered, like a father would for his son. In my addiction, my life was empty, void, apart from God. I suffered from feelings of shame, guilt, sadness, depression, suicide, anger, hatred, violence, and everything associated with my addiction. Even in the depths of my addiction, Jesus Christ was with me, he never left my side. Jesus was with all addicts throughout their lives, something we need to be mindful of in our recovery. When Jesus was crucified, he was crucified for my sins and he suffered a great deal, more than I can ever imagine. All the pain and suffering from all of humanity, addict and non-addict, placed solely on Jesus Christ so that if we believe in Him, we can have eternal life with God.
2 Corinthians 5:21 (NIV) – God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.
Take what you like, and leave the rest.
Castimonia Meeting Topic April – Working Step 4
Step 4 – Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
“Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the LORD.” (Lamentations 3:40)
Have you ever seen the movie “Raiders of the Lost Ark” particularly the end scene in the movie? This is the scene where a warehouse caretaker slowly rolls the Ark, now placed in a wooden crate, down an aisle and over to an unmarked section of a gigantic warehouse full of other wooden crates. It is a great picture of the warehouse we have stored inside. I’m sure the caretaker has written down every crate, it’s location, and its content and can easily find the needed crate when required. Can you imagine if the caretaker did not write down this information and only did it by memory? The Ark would be lost forever!
In understanding Step 4, we need to realize that Step 4 is a written inventory, not just one we think about. We take time to write down all this information we discover about ourselves with the help of the Holy Spirit and our friends in recovery.
A great Step 4 format I like to use is available in our resources section on Castimonia.org. It is taken from royy.com and was produced by various Alcoholics Anonymous members. I will discuss this format of working a proper Step 4.
Click here for the Step 4 PDF file
The first part of the inventory is our checklist of Flaws and Assets. We select which flaws (also known as Character Defects) we currently are aware of and ask others to help us determine other flaws they see in us. We also select our character assets as seen by ourselves and by others. It is important not to bury ourselves in the negative of our character flaws; we must understand that we also have character assets! Typically, we select double the amount of assets as we do flaws so as to not beat ourselves up over our defects of character. The sheets have room for 12 flaws and 24 assets.
We then begin with the review of our flaws. We list the specific flaw (or group of flaws if synonymous) and then we give an example of when this flaw came up in our lives. For example, if we were impatient, we clearly describe when we were impatient, what happened, why we reacted with impatience. The more thorough the description, the better the results.
After we write in our top 12 character flaws, we begin with our character assets. Again, we list the asset and then give a clear description of how we used that asset and the circumstances surrounding it. Perhaps we list brave as a character asset. In giving an example of this asset, we can describe the first time we attended Castimonia or another sexual recovery meeting! Again, the more thorough the description, the better the results.
In the next section, we tackle what is one of the most important issues we will face in working our recovery – our resentments! In working a Step 4 inventory on our resentments, we are able to properly list out the resentment, give specifics about why we are resentful, and then in Column 3 describe in detail how it affects us personally (self-esteem, security, ambitions, personal relationships, sex relations). However, Column 4 is perhaps the most important column in this Step 4 resentment inventory. In Column 4, we describe where we are wrong in holding onto this resentment. We list where we were being selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened and thus held onto this resentment. A thorough explanation can be found on the worksheet linked at the beginning of this post as well as from your sponsor.
After writing down all of our resentments and why we were wrong in holding on to them, we begin our list of fears. Fear can be a very strong driving force in our addiction. I once heard fear used as an acronym – Future/False Events Appearing Real. In other words, things that have not yet occurred in real life, will definitely occur or have already occurred – in our minds! There is a list of fears written on the preceding page, however, you can list others if you need. I used the image of the creature from the movie Alien to represent something absurd I fear, something totally and completely in my mind. I fear this creature even though it never existed. There are of course, more realistic fears in life, financial, health, family, relationships, but again, most of our fear comes from our own minds and are things out of our control and can cripple us if we allow it.
Finally, we reach the last section of the worksheet. This is something we are very familiar with in that we have looked at this problem in our 1st Step. However, here we can tie in more specific reasons or feelings surrounding our sexual misconduct. This will help us when we make a list of persons we had harmed in Step 8 and make amends in Step 9.
For today’s topic, I read through two books, The Twelve Steps for Christians and the Sex Addicts Anonymous Green Book as well as reviewed the Step 4 Inventory Workbook. I like to read from both books because they are both extremely insightful. The Twelve Steps for Christians touches my Christian roots and the SAA Green Book deals specifically with my sex addiction recovery. The Step 4 Inventory workbook is one of the better, free, workbooks I have used. I use this workbook whenever I need to work Steps 4 and 5.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
