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Surprising Causes of Infidelity

Surprising Causes of Infidelity
Therapists shed a new light on what prompts cheating. Plus: how does porn, Facebook and Match.com influence infidelity?
By Your Tango August 23rd, 2012

A survey of counseling professionals from YourTango.com—the digital leader in love and relationships—sheds dramatic, new light on infidelity. Surprisingly, it’s not about the sex. Instead, emotional dissatisfaction is the number-one reason both men and women cheat, according to these experts, while sexual dissatisfaction comes in second. Only 8% of respondents say men are “hard-wired” to “spread their seed.”

About this statistic, YourTango Expert Lynn R. Zakeri has this to say: “It may sound surprising, but many men are really looking for someone to connect with, to be their best friend and their intimate partner, and when they lose that connection in their marriage, they may look elsewhere.” Meanwhile, YourTango Expert Dr. Susan Heitler adds, “While there are many factors that can lead to an extramarital sexual encounter, emotional distance is one that couples can prevent. If there’s been distress, dissension or too much distance, take a marriage ed class to learn how to stay more comfortably connected.”

Members of YourTango Experts, an organization of 1,200 psychotherapists, counselors, coaches and other helping professionals, completed a survey that reveals numerous insights on infidelity, including culprits, preventative measures and counterintuitive advice for adulterers.

While nearly 50% agree that technology is a catalyst for cheating, only 7% indicate that Facebook has increased the number of affairs significantly. 90% say that dating sites like Match.com just provide the opportunity; if someone wants to cheat, he/she will find a way regardless of the sites or services available.

The top two measures to prevent cheating are: (1) for both partners to feel valued and important to each other and (2) to have good communication. Satisfying sex clocked in third.

“This data is consistent with our previous research that underscores the real problem for most couples is less about sex and more about feeling valued and communicating successfully,” states Andrea Miller, CEO and Founder of YourTango. “And while 50% of affairs play out sexually, emotional affairs constitute the betrayal a whopping 40% of the time. It’s the lack of closeness that overwhelmingly leads to cheating and discord.”

Thankfully, there’s hope for the unfaithful. 81% disagree with the adage “once a cheater, always a cheater.” YourTango Expert Dr. Shoshanna Bennett explains this result saying, “Sometimes certain factors collide in one’s life which may lead to cheating. Once those circumstances are handled or worked through (usually regarding the primary relationship), the temptation to cheat frequently disappears, never to return again.”

Additional findings include:

  • 59% of experts agree that pornography influences infidelity.
  • 47% of experts say that celebrities do not cheat any more frequently than the rest of us. However, 76% of experts claim that celebrity cheating scandals affect how the rest of us view infidelity.
  • 57% say that if someone in a relationship has been unfaithful, it is not always best for him/her to tell his/her partner.

Complete survey details and additional insights are available through “The Truth About Infidelity” initiative on YourTango.com.

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[Revealed] How Porn Affects Marriages

[Revealed] How Porn Affects Marriages
by evictrapeafrica
http://evictrapeafrica.wordpress.com/2012/10/24/revealed-how-porn-affects-marriages/

Hello buddies! It’s another great time to share some drinks over some real issues. As i said in one of my previous posts, the purpose of discussing pornography on this blog is because it’s been postulated to have links with the unbridled sexual passion that drive many men crazy.

You can check up our archives to catch up with the posts issues on this series. I remember hearing a married man say that he has bought a couple of porn videos to watch with his wife so as to boost her declining libido. Is this really a remedy? Does porn really help to spice up the sex life of couples? We will find out right now. Just as I have been doing so far on this series, I will show you empirical data obtained from thorough research and surveys:

According to the Journal of Adolescent Health, prolonged exposure to pornography leads to:

  • An exaggerated perception of sexual activity in society
  • Diminished trust between intimate couples
  • The abandonment of the hope of sexual monogamy
  • Belief that promiscuity is the natural state
  • Belief that abstinence and sexual inactivity are unhealthy
  • Cynicism about love or the need for affection between sexual partners
  • Belief that marriage is sexually confining
  • Lack of attraction to family and child-raising

According to sociologist Jill Manning, the research indicates pornography consumption is associated with the following six trends, among others:

1. Increased marital distress, and risk of separation and divorce 2. Decreased marital intimacy and sexual satisfaction 3. Infidelity 4. Increased appetite for more graphic types of pornography and sexual activity associated with abusive, illegal or unsafe practices 5. Devaluation of monogamy, marriage and child rearing 6. An increasing number of people struggling with compulsive and addictive sexual behavior

A press release from the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (divorce lawyers) reported that the most salient factors present in divorce cases are as follows:

68% of the divorces involved one party meeting a new lover over the Internet. 56% involved one party having “an obsessive interest in pornographic websites.” 47% involved spending excessive time on the computer. 33% involved excessive time spent speaking in chat rooms. In 2003, a Focus on the Family poll showed 47% percent of families said pornography is a problem in their home.

In 2004, 42% of surveyed adults indicated that their partner’s use of pornography made them feel insecure, and 41% admitted that they felt less attractive due to their partner’s pornography use.

A brief survey on the effects of cybersex shows how wives of porn users develop deep psychological wounds, reporting feelings of betrayal, loss, depression, mistrust, devastation, anger, and sexual inadequacy. The same survey shows more than half of those engaged in cybersex lost interest in sexual intercourse, and one third of their partners lost interest as well

“I have also seen in my clinical experience that pornography damages the sexual performance of the viewers. Pornography viewers tend to have problems with premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction. Having spent so much time in unnatural sexual experiences with paper, celluloid and cyberspace, they seem to find it difficult to have sex with a real human being. Pornography is raising their expectation and demand for types and amounts of sexual experiences; at the same time it is reducing their ability to experience sex.” (Dr. MaryAnne Layden)

“Should pornography sufficiently arouse a biologically determined male predisposition for polygamy, then its informational system may be contributing to contemporary male frustration and even aggressiveness toward the female in general and monogamous patterns of sexuality in particular. It may be argued that if the visual data of pornography encourages distrust of female sexual fidelity and a distorted perception of female personhood, such data could encourage disdain and/or animosity toward heterosexual comradeship and the value of such comradeship for individual and social solvency.”

MY THOUGHTS:

I guess you read through the statistics very well. Apparently, porn hasn’t helped any marriage neither in sexual performance nor in companionship. It rather impedes sexual performance and destroys the marital union. Porn makes its users burn with so much sexual passion but when it gets to the time to ‘do the thing’, their performance is almost equal to zero.

As we have seen also, pornography has been found to be connected to the high divorce rate observed in our times.

Pornography obviously has not done us much good. Don’t you think? Share your thoughts with me if you have a contrary view or an additional point to add.

We still have alot more to share on this series. We will definitely share some helpful tips with people who wanna break free from porn.

QUESTION: What suggestions would you offer a woman whose husband is hooked to porn and online sex merchants that he no more enjoys sex with her and this has left their matrimony at the verge of a break up?

I will be expecting your answers. Thank you for stopping by.

For a better world,

TeeKay

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I Lied to My Wife, Now What?

I Lied to My Wife, Now What?
by Jeff Fisher on October 21, 2012
http://porntopurity.com/blog/2012/10/21/i-lied-to-my-wife-now-what/

So what are you going to do now?

What do you think you ought to do?  Do you feel bad about it?  Are you trying to avoid the thought about it and put it in the past?

Maybe you think, “I’ll feel bad about it today, but I’m going to do some good things for my wife and make up for it.  Then I won’t feel so bad.”

Or you think if you push it away you’ll feel less guilty about it tomorrow.  Has that been your strategy?

Maybe you don’t think it really matters.  It’s not that big of a deal.  She probably lied about things too.  I’ve done a lot worse things in the past.

Or the most popular thought:  “I know if I tell the truth it’s going to make things worse.  It’s better to lie and not tell her.”

These are all rationalizations.

WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT LYING ISN’T THAT IMPORTANT Your beliefs about lying and experiences are not nearly as important as what God’s Word says.

Ephesians 4:25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.

Proverbs 12:22 The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful.

Psalm 51:6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts ; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

Can you see the simplicity of these?  Telling the truth is even the goal of one of the 10 Commandments:

Exodus 20:16 You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.

Eliminate the question of “Does God think it’s OK?”  The answer:  no.

God wants you to be truthful.  He is Truth.  Any lie or cover-up is an affront to God’s standards, as well as your covenant with your wife.

WHAT DO I DO NOW?

I can’t tell you exactly how you need to confess to your wife, but here are some good principles:

  1. Have THAT conversation with your spouse – Confess.  Be truthful.  It sucks, it’s hard, but it’s necessary for intimacy, closeness, connection and knowing each other.  Stop rationalizing.  Man up and own it!
  2. Or have THAT conversation with a counselor first – If there are patterns of lying, deep sexual sin, or adultery involved you probably need to talk to a counselor first.  They’re wise and have tools to help you.
  3. Work toward full disclosure – You might think it’s easier to share a part, let your wife recover, then share more.  Not wise!  A friend of mine calls this “Death by 1000 Needles”.  It’s better to have one big disclosure than 60 mini disclosures.  Your wife will wonder, “What else is he not telling me about?” so it’s best to get it all out. (The leaders of Castimonia recommend a full disclosure through a 3-day intensive program. – See links to the left for two programs approved by the leaders of Castimonia.)
  4. Don’t be defensive – Don’t rationalize your lies or push the blame on your wife.  Take responsibility and own it.
  5. Answer your wife’s questions – It’s her turn to understand and make sense out of this.  She needs to know how much you were involved in (breath) and how deeply were you involved in your sins (depth). It’s not usually necessary or productive to share the “nitty gritty details”, but let a counselor help with this.
  6. Give her space to be angry – To most wives, the deception and the hiding are worse than the actions themselves.  Give her room and time to process her feelings.
  7. Don’t school your wife on how she needs to react and feel – You’re best bet is to shut up, listen and pray.  Any feelings that come out now are good.  If they don’t come out, they will be bottled up and explode later in your relationship.
  8. Work on your part – You can control your actions and your reactions.  Stick to these.  It’s one way you can show love to your wife.
  9. Follow-up – Be a man and lead the way in rebuilding trust and building your relationship.  She may have other feelings to get out.  You and she may need to see the counselor together.  There is always follow up to a confession.

–

Jeff Fisher is a blogger and podcaster living in Raleigh, North Carolina.  He and his wife run www.porntopurity.com.  Jeff’s podcast Top Tips For Sexual Purity Podcast (I-Tunes) is one of the more popular podcasts on sexual addiction recovery.

You can reach Jeff at jeff@porntopurity.com

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Porn Before Puberty

Porn Before Puberty

On a recent ABC News Nightline, anchor Juju Chang reported on the growing and frightening phenom of pre-teens learning their sex-ed from internet porn. A forthcoming film entitled “Sexy Baby: A Documentary about Sexiness & the Cyber Age” provided a launching point for the piece.

In a nutshell: A generation of kids are learning about sex, not from their parents, but from internet porn.

Here’s a quote from the Sexy Baby website:

“Most youngsters know someone who has emailed or texted a naked photo of themselves. Many kids have accidentally or intentionally had their first introduction to sex be via hardcore online porn. Facebook has created an arena where kids compete to be ‘liked’ and constantly worry about what image to portray—much of what was once private is now made public…We found that the adult entertainment world…is trickling into the mainstream world…”

Trickling? Hmmm…I’d say flooding is a better word.

Winifred, the teenage girl who was interviewed by Chang (and is one of the pre-teen subjects of the documentary), admits that she posts sexy pictures on Facebook which cannot be viewed by her parents. Instead, every boy at her school sees them. She realizes that the image she creates of herself forms an expectation for her behavior, producing a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy (i.e. sexy pictures=sexy Winifred).

So why does she do it?

(Photo removed)

“We’re getting messages from everywhere saying if you dress this way you are going to be either treated well or feel powerful. Sex is power.”

This sexual currency used for social popularity and acceptance has become a normal part of adolescence throughut our culture. (See my post on sexting for more info.) Parents seem genuinely confused about how to limit their kid’s consumption of porn or even if they should.

In the ABC piece, Winifred’s mother recalls the girls she knew in college who were raised in overly restrictive homes and then went “wild” once they had their freedom. She doesn’t want that for her daughter so she gives her the freedom to wear provocative clothing and post sexy images of herself online.

Clearly parents are confused.

But wait! There’s one glimmer of hope from Winifred!

“If parents are able to talk to their children about what real love and real sex is later on in life, most of the kids I know would trust their parents over two porn stars that they’ve never met.”

I hope she’s right!

But… I’m not sure that’s always the case. Especially if parents continue to condone overtly sexual behavior and clothing in their pre-teen children. Or if they wait too long to seriously discuss sexuality and pornography.

Dr. Jill Manning, in her audio presentation, Let’s Talk About the Elephant in the Room, tells the story of a 9-year-old boy who started watching pornography online, getting into homosexual porn as well. When his parents finally sat him down for the “sex talk,” he dismissed their version of sex. He realized they didn’t know anything about it.

They did know something about it, but their description of sex and his porn-infected view were worlds apart.

How can parents protect their kids from internet porn? What can they teach them and at what age? Let me know what you think! What are your experiences in teaching your children a healthy view of sex before they get exposed or curious about pornography?

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Woody’s Story

22 years ago today, I entered a rehab facility for help with sexual addiction.

I was 35 years old, and for the first time in my life, I began to grow up.  One thing I have learned about myself, I was immature because I was stuck in my childhood.  I was sexually used, then abused from the time I was 8 until I was 12 years old.  That locked me into my childhood.  I grew up full of embarrassment, shame, anger, fear and neglect.  Ironically, the one thing that was the source of my shame became the one thing I used to make me feel good.  Sex.  Masturbation, porn, girls, fantasies, daydreams, these became my way of life.

I became two personalities, basically, a public persona and a private persona.  Who I was publicly, was all about image control.  I projected a public image of myself that I wanted others to see, and I held onto the private persona so I could retreat into my hidden world.  Eventually, I got to the point where I knew I needed to stop, I knew I wasn’t a man of integrity.  I wanted to be honest, but I was a liar.  I wanted to live in such a way that I didn’t have to spend my time looking over my shoulder, trying not to get caught doing things I shouldn’t be doing.  I told myself many times, with the gravest of sincerity, “I will never do that again”.  I was never able to keep that commitment, though.  I discovered, later, I didn’t lack the desire to stop, I simply didn’t have the power to stop.
I was a very lonely man, even though I was married, and I used to look at other married couples and wish I had what they had.  I knew I could never have what they had unless I came clean and got honest.  But, there was a high price for honesty.  It could cost me everything to get honest and I might lose my marriage, my job, my future.  The fear of that high price kept me from coming clean for a long time.
I tried all kinds of ways to deal with my problem, I figured, as long as I never did any of those things again, I would never have to tell anyone anything, I could just go on living and be honest from this point on.  But, I always knew, deep inside, that doesn’t work.  So, on May 18, 1991, I began, what eventually became a month long process of coming clean to my wife.  Eventually, I realized I needed professional help, but not before denying I needed that help.  So, I paid that high price to become honest.  I resigned my position as a pastor and checked myself into a rehab facility here in Houston.
22 years ago today, and I have had a few slips, but I never returned to my old lifestyle.  I am one person now, not two.  If you were to watch me secretly and compare me to who I am in public, you would see I am no longer two “Woodys”, I am one person.
I live in freedom today, because I surrendered my will to God’s will, and prayed for His strength to do for me what I could not do for myself.  I’m no longer a liar and I practice rigorous honesty on a daily basis.  Now, when I disappoint my wife, it isn’t because I betrayed her and broke my wedding vows, but rather, it’s because I’ve done something that normal husbands do that disappoints their wives.
My sobriety cost me everything too!  I was homeless for about two months, my wife and I were separated and heading towards a divorce.  I discovered though, there is no price too high to pay for sobriety.  No matter what the cost, I was willing to pay it.  That hasn’t changed in me in the last 22 years either, no price is too high to pay for my sobriety.
It is amazing to me to be the recipient of so many absolutely undeserved blessings in my life.  My Bride and I did not divorce, instead, we worked it out and are truly in love with each other today.  I have a home and two new cars, all paid for.  I am debt free financially and am able to give generously to support Christian and other charitable causes.
I still go to 12 Step meetings, and sponsor other men who want to recover from sex addiction.  I will always be grateful that I received grace and forgiveness, especially when I least deserved it.
Praise God, I am a free man.
My name is Woody, and I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ and a recovering sex addict, and I have been clean and sober for 22 years.