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I Cannot Live Without Her

I Cannot Live Without Her
November 4, 2012
Originally posted by a partner of a sex addict

When I first met her, it was love at first sight.  She was perfect. She is perfect. She has beautiful green eyes,  smooth skin as silky as sateen, her body is as natural as the sun. Sometimes, she awakes me with sexy red hair, slightly covering her breasts.  She always wears a smile, her eyes looking directly at mine, teasing me, kneeling on her knees, holding another man’s genitals, whispering that she would do the same – to me. I dream of her, my eyes closed, my hands on myself, the earth moves rhythmically  like a wave until it shakes. It feels good. Very good.

I cannot live without her.

I find myself thinking of her every moment of forever, and I cannot have enough of her. Her presence hypnotizes me at the office. I imagine her coming in for an interview. A white button down with only a slight trace of a nude bra. A black pencil skirt leaving the rest to imagination. A pair of blue eyes with straight black hair as fair as a mane. “Sir,” she said, “I need this job and I am willing to do anything for it” – with a playful display of seduction and a juxtaposition tone of innocence. “Tell me about yourself,” I asked, slowly unbuttoning her shirt while showing her power over me by pressing my hips against hers.

I cannot live without her.

In the evening, she makes me wild. Willing to please and open-minded, she allows me to experiment with anything I could possibly imagine, and it is this sense of freedom without any judgment that I adore.  Sometimes, she shows up at my home fully clothed, throwing pieces of her clothing on the floor like a carefree boy, tearing me apart as if I were her worst enemy. Then, we have sex, like a machine. Sometimes, she shows up at the hotel in only a robe, showers with soapy foam like the movies, thirsts for me as if I were the sweetest in the world – even if she is tied up in ropes like an injured worm.

I cannot live without her.

She is my best friend, my comforter, my everything.  She is always there, whether I am single or in a relationship, whether I am happy or in pain, whether I have a webcam or not. She always looks at me with those eyes, those kind, accepting eyes from where I find respect, adoration and love, those tender yet powerful eyes that take me to a place of warmth, where all pain goes away, where nothing matters – except she and I and happily ever after.

I cannot live without her.

Soon, nothing else matters, all I want is her.  She is everything I have ever wanted.  I don’t understand why others can’t see things my way.  She is perfect in every way, she satisfies all of my needs, yet my friends, my family don’t understand, they detach from me causing me great pain and feelings of abandonment.  But she is there, she will not abandon me, will she?

I cannot live without her.

In time, other than her, I am alone.  I don’t have time for work, I don’t have time for family, I don’t have time for friends.  All I have time for is her inside the vacuum we have created.  Her beautiful blonde hair and gorgeous blue eyes mesmerize me, I cannot look away, she is everything to me.  Nobody understands, if they did, they would not have distanced themselves from me.

I cannot live without her.

I have lost my job, my income, my family, my friends, but I haven’t lost her.  She is still with me, she loves me, she wants me, she needs me.  I lust after her more and more.  I see less and less of her, but I can always close my eyes and imagine the dark black hair, soft brown eyes, and soft white skin.  She looks at me and I melt.  I must see her, I have to see her, and I will see her.  Maybe I can see her at someone else’s place?  Maybe I can sneak in, just to meet her.  Maybe I can just break into that house, she is there, waiting.  After all, our love is worth the crime is it not?  Our love is worth even murdering those that stand in our way!

I cannot live without her.

And now I sit alone, in this cell, like an animal.  It was an accident, I didn’t mean to kill the owner of the house, I only wanted to see my love.  What happened to me?  What happened to her?  She is gone, I cannot not find her, it has been years since I saw her.  I am so alone, I feel like dying.  The promises she spoke to me were all empty, they meant nothing.  I gave up everything for her, my wife, my children, my friends, my job, my health, my sanity and there is nothing left of me than an empty shell.  She is not there like she promised she would be, she is not taking the pain away any longer.

God, I need help….

I read this post (later modified by me) originally posted by a former partner of a sex addict who was consumed with pornography and sexually acting out that he destroyed the relationship; she finally left him.  This is an example of the denial that all sex addicts experience in their addiction and how they see pornography or pornstars, even at a subconscious level.  To them, pornography is a great fantasy to where they can escape – the actress, their wife, girlfriend, partner who falsely promises to satisfy all of their needs and protect them from the pain and hurts of life.  An “security blanket” which is wrapped around their necks, slowly strangling them until they die.

The next few posts on Castimonia will focus on former female pornstars that have come forward to burst the fantasy bubble and expose the harsh reality of the pornography industry. 

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God Has a Plan For Me!

My oldest daughter drew this portrait (of my wife) last year.  Even though it is a horrible depection of my beautiful wife, it is so precious to me and a reminder that God has a plan for me – a life full of recovery from sexual addiction.

My life in the addiction and my recovery may seem “ugly” to outsiders, but to me, it is such a precious gift, one that I don’t ever want to let go or throw away.  God has given me the vision to turn the ugliness of my addiction into the beauty of recovery.  One of the beauties is the relationship I now have with God.  In my addiction, I was completely lost, but now I am found.  It wasn’t pretty, but God cleaned me up pretty well.  Another one of these beauties is my relationship with my wife and daugthers.  Before entering recovery, I had very little to do with my wife and child (one at the time).  Now, they are so important to me, I don’t ever want to spend another day in the addiction and away from them.   Finally, one other beautiful thing is the Castimonia Men’s Sexual Purity Support & Recovery group God started through me in 2010.  It is amazing to see how such much hope and recovery could come from so much addiction and ugliness.  Especially in the early days, I just had to keep reminding myself that no matter how ugly things got in that first year of recovery, that God has a plan for me.

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Fighting to Stop Porn on Library Computers

posted: October 16, 2012 by

Did you know that library organizations are fighting to provide access to internet pornography in public libraries? It’s true! The American Library Association (ALA) and the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) both fought the Children’s Internet Protection Act all the way up to the Supreme Court, and lost (thankfully).

But that doesn’t seem to stop the ALA from falsely disseminating that most pornography is “protected by the First Amendment.”

Here’s a quote from their website:

In the millions of Web sites available on the Internet, there are some—often loosely called “pornography”—that parents, or adults generally, do not want children to see. A very small fraction of those sexually explicit materials is actual obscenity or child pornography, which are not constitutionally protected. The rest, like the overwhelming majority of materials on the Internet, is protected by the First Amendment.

A small fraction of internet porn isn’t obscene? Seriously? I’d really like to know what they consider obscene. Bestiality? Violent rape scenes? Are those not obscene???

Let’s look at the ALA’s most common arguments:

  • Internet filters violate the constitutional rights of patrons.
  • Filters are tantamount to censorship.

“Nonsense!” says Patrick Trueman, President of Morality in Media, the organization which founded the Safe Schools, Safe Libraries Project. Trueman counters that “filtering software has come a long way in the last twenty years and is very effective in blocking pornography without interfering with more legitimate sites. Also, use of filters does not violate rights, as the Supreme Court has rules in upholding the Children’s Internet Protection Act.”

As far as censorship goes, all library boards make choices about what books and materials they purchase. Pornographic magazines and books are not carried in libraries, so why should libraries carry porn over the internet?

I want to make clear that librarians are not the enemy, but some have been misled by false information about the constitutionality about porn in libraries.

Here is an animated video that role plays a parent’s conversation with a librarian after seeing pornography on library computers. It’s not slick, but the dialog provides excellent information about what is legal and what is not legal in public libraries.

Click here to find more info and a downloadable “Getting Started” packet on how you can get involved in the fight for Safe and Sane Libraries in your community.

Have you ever seen pornography on a computer at your public library? Do you feel that your children are safe at your local library? I’d love to hear your comments! Leave a reply below or scroll up and click on the gray bubble to share your thoughts.

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Saturday Morning Meeting Topic – 7/13: Silent is Never Golden When it Comes to Sexual Addiction

In this Saturday’s meeting we were blessed to hear the letter written below by Keith to his now deceased younger brother. I warn group members to be mindful of heir emotions and any emotional triggers they may experience after reading this letter.

By Keith D.

This is hard to write given the circumstances.  However, I need to write if only for myself.  I hope others who are struggling with sexual addiction and who are thinking that taking one’s own life is the only option dealing with sexual addiction.

You were nine years old and in fourth grade and I was a freshman in college when the family moved to Texas.  I don’t remember a lot about you growing up except you riding your plastic snoopy and being in cub scouts as I was busy playing sports and working.

I go to meetings where there is an empty chair in the middle of the room and we talk about “our problem”.  Up until this time, the chair has been nameless and faceless to me.  However, now this particular chair does have a new name and face.  His name is Steve.  He was a father, a brother, and good friend to many.  He had an infectious smile and laugh to go along with it.

Hearing of your death came to me as a total surprise.  I started asking questions like “why” and “how come?”  I knew there were a lot of questions that there were not answers for.  I often wondered over the years if the same terrible things happened to you as a child as they did me, that is, if our neighbor sexually abused you too.  I felt we were never close enough that you would answer me honestly so I did not ask.  From the outcome of your life (i.e. being registered as a sex offender) I can only assume so.

When it comes to sexual addiction, silence is never golden!  This disease thrives in secrecy.  The only way to overcome it is to expose it and take responsibility for one’s actions, to ask God to shed His light in every dark area, and confessing your sins and weaknesses to others so you may be healed!  Pride, shame and condemnation empower this disease and has kept you in shackles for years.  It is only through humility and the Power of Jesus Christ that breaks these chains and sets one free.  For who the Lord has set free is free indeed!  I have found this freedom and wish you were here to tell you about it.

I need to ask for your forgiveness because I was not courageous enough to stand up against evil.  I did not stand up against the evil and sick things our neighbor did to me and what he may have done to you as well.  We lived in a small town and my classmates were already calling a homosexual because of my deep friendship with another male classmate.  That does not excuse my actions.  Please forgive me for being silent.  I wanted to speak up but I just couldn’t muster the courage.

The bible talks a lot about relationships. It says that “friends love at all times, but brothers were born for adversity”.  This scripture has taken on a new meaning for me.  We were born in the same family and born for adversity.  However, we never lived in the potential and relationship that God has called us.

Secondly, it says that a three-strand cord is not easily broken.  We did not have deep conversations about the Lord until just three years ago at our niece’s high school graduation.  It was the first time we talked about things that mattered in life.  And after mom had passed just a few weeks later, it was you that rose up and said not to let our relationships go by the wayside.  I was proud of you for rising up.  That is what I should have been done as an older brother, protecting and looking after my siblings as our parents have passed. 

I also know that no man lives and dies to himself.  That in both your life and death you impacted so many people.  You enjoyed life no matter what the circumstances or so it seemed as it could be seen in your smile and laugh.  If only you could have seen all the people that filled the room and all the tears that were shed.  Although you were divorced, she still called you her husband and buried you wearing your wedding band.

I wish you could have seen how hard your sixteen year old son cried after the funeral.  I cried for him knowing that this was a path you chose.  It is not the only path though however.  I found a Gentle Path and something called “Rigorous Honesty” for people like us that can help us with “our problem” and bring us back to sanity.  I wish you could have heard the anger in your boss when he spoke at your funeral as he was the one who found your limp body hanging in the air.  I have found one the only one who needed to be hung once for all, the one who died for our sins and the one who died to set us free!

There are two paths one with this sickness and disease can take.  One path leads to death, confusion, heartache and a lot of questions.  This path offers a permanent solution to a temporary problem and situation. 

As I looked at your face, I can tell you are finally now at peace.  You are no longer being tormented by the demons of addictions in your life.  However, there is peace along the other path too despite of one’s circumstances.   It is the path where you find Jesus and can share His love and compassion with others who are struggling with the same issues.  He has told us that there will be many trials and tribulations, but we can have peace in spite of our circumstances.  In fact, we can rejoice because those who truly find Him find true peace as He has already won the battle over sin and death.

The other path, although may seem insurmountable and very difficult at times, is a path you take with others.  There may be many tears on this path, but at the end this path leads to life and the crown of life as those who choose this path are over-comers by the word of our testimony and the blood of the Lamb.  I wish you were here for me to tell you of this path.

I do not know why or how we chose the paths we did.  It could have very easily been me lying there in that room.  I do know that it is only by the grace and mercy of God himself that it was not. 

When I attend the meetings from this point on, the empty chair is no longer empty.  I wish that it still was.  However, my voice will no longer be silent.  Forgive me for being silent.  Your death will not be in vain.  Silence is never golden when it comes to sexual addiction!

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic – Compulsive Masturbation

In today’s meeting I read from the book by Milton S. Magness, D.Min. “STOP Sex Addiction: Real Hope, True Freedom For Sex Addicts and Partners” on the topic of Compulsive Masturbation.  We then discussed our own thoughts on masturbation.

NEWbookCOVER2Compulsive Masturbation
p. 58 – 60

Maurice’s Story

Maurice had never been sexual with anyone other than his wife.  Raised in a very conservative family, Maurice did not date much as a teenager.  With his family’s very strict religious beliefs, he did not feel he was allowed to ask questions about sex or have any real sex education.  his parents did have “the talk” with him when he was fifteen.  His father told him that when he was married, he would get very close to his wife and that their resulting relationship would produce babies.

More confused that informed, he found some sex education from friends.  To further fill the information void, Maurice started looking up sexual topics on the Internet.  He found that he could get information on any sexual behavior and could even find photos and videos of people engaging in various sexual acts.  That early search for knowledge turned into a time-consuming addiction by the time he was married.  When his wife finally caught him looking at pornography online, he had developed a habit of engaging in cybersex behaviors for at least two hours a day.  Most of his behavior was limited to browsing pornographic websites, but he recently has been following conversations in sexual chat rooms.

While he has not yet engaged in chat with anyone, Maurice is thinking about starting what he considers to be harmless chat.  While online he has masturbated, sometimes multiple times a day.  A few times he masturbated to the point of injury.  Lately, Maurice’s wife has complained that he is just no interested in sex with her, and she wonders why not.  He realizes that he needs to stop this behavior because of the negative impact it is having on his marriage.  But so far he has not been successful in being able to stop his compulsive masturbation or his use of online pornography.

The topic of masturbation is difficult for some people to talk about.  Studies show that virtually all men and a significant portion of women have masturbated at one time or another.  There is an assumption that masturbation is something individuals outgrow as they leave their teenage years.  In fact, a number of people, both men and women, continue masturbating throughout their adult lives.  Masturbation not only can have negative impact on the sexual relationship in committed relationships, but it may also impact communication and conflict-resolution skills.

How Can Masturbation Damage a Relationship Outside of the Sexual Realm?

The answer is that women and men approach sex differently.  Women typically require an emotional connection with their partner if they are going to have sex.  If problems or conflict exist in the relationship, they must be addressed before many women are willing to be sexual.  It is a different story with men.  Men do not have to have an emotional connection to have sex.  They can completely separate sex from love or emotion.  If a man wants to be sexual but there is some emotional baggage in the relationship, his wife will probably want to “unpack” that baggage before being sexual.  As for him, if he is not willing to wait or make the emotional investment in the relationship, he can masturbate – literally be sexual with himself – and not have to expend any emotional energy.

The fact is that sexually addicted men may choose to continue their self-centered, narcissistic acting out through masturbation rather than attend to the emotional and communication concerns of the relationship.  For many men, masturbation becomes a compulsive act that they use to medicate pain, stress, loneliness, fear, anger, or other emotions.  For that reason, I believe that masturbation within a committed relationship is often selfish and may contribute significantly to the couple having a lower-than-desired frequency of sexual intimacy.

Perhaps the biggest problem with masturbation is that it is a gateway behavior that often ignites other acting-out behaviors.  Before frequenting sexual massage parlors, before the clandestine affair, before seeking out prostitutes, many sex addicts have spent numerous sessions masturbating and then rationalizing their behavior by saying that they were engaging only in masturbation and fantasy.  In other words, they see the self-gratifying action as pertaining only to themselves and not to their spouse as a statement of rejection or withholding of pleasure.  The neurochemical reinforcement provided when on masturbates to fantasy is powerful.  The resulting changes in brain chemistry give a person a high not unlike the high that comes form using certain illegal drugs.