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8 Reasons People Cheat

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201910/8-reasons-people-cheat

by Theresa E DiDonato, Ph.D.

Scientists revisit why people cheat and uncover some interesting findings.

Mutual trust is a hallmark feature of committed romantic relationships and is often (not always) tied to confidence that a partner is both romantically and sexually faithful. What if that trust is violated?

Infidelity can wreak havoc on a relationship. As summarized in a recent review, infidelity is a leading cause for marital divorce and pre-marital break-ups; it can trigger domestic violence; and it is a strong predictor of poor mental health, including depression and anxiety (Fincham & May, 2017). These adverse consequences might suggest that people go to great lengths to avoid infidelity, efforts reflected in overall rates that suggest infidelity is rare. But this is not the case. By some accounts, the lifetime prevalence of infidelity is approximately 20 to 25 percent of marriages, with men and women cheating at similar rates (Fincham & May, 2017).

Given that infidelity produces a constellation of adverse personal and relational consequences, yet people are known to cheat, the question becomes: why? Why risk it? What are the motivations that lead to infidelity?

Why Do People Cheat?

A recent investigation asked nearly 500 mostly heterosexual individuals about their past experiences cheating on a romantic partner (Selterman, Garcia, Tsapelas, & 2019). Note that having engaged in infidelity was an explicit inclusion criteria for the study, so all participants shared at least one instance of their own infidelity as part of the study. Approximately 95 percent gave examples that included sexual/physical infidelity.

These scholars aren’t the first to ask the question of why people cheat (e.g., Barta & Kiene, 2005), but evidence regarding infidelity motives is surprisingly scarce, suggesting the need for empirical inquiry. In their study, Selterman and colleagues (2019) solicited reasons for why people cheated and then focused their analysis on synthesizing the many motives people offered. Eight main motives emerged from their analysis:

  1. Falling out of love. Sometimes (but not always) a deficit in an existing relationship leads people to have extradyadic affairs. Over three quarters (77 percent) of participants indicated that a lack of love for their stable partner, and/or greater love for an extradyadic partner, was a fairly strong reason they cheated.
  2. For variety. Other times, infidelity is not a response to a problem with an existing relationship; rather, it’s a reaction to boredom. For many people (74 percent), a desire for variety factors into their cheating behavior. More men explained their infidelity as tied to this reason than women.
  3. Feeling neglected. Similar to feeling a lack of love, some people engage in infidelity as a response to their partner’s lack of attention. Participants (70 percent) revealed that feeling neglected was at least moderately tied to their cheating behavior. More women than men recognized this as one of their motives for cheating.  
  4. Situational forces. Not every act of infidelity is premeditated and driven by dissatisfaction with a current relationship. Many participants (70 percent) noted that factors of the situation were a key reason they cheated. Maybe they were drinking or in some other way thrown into an opportunity they didn’t anticipate. More men recognized this motive as a reason for their cheating than women.
  5. To boost self-esteem. It seems counterintuitive, given that infidelity tends to end with significant personal consequences, but for some people, the act of having an affair can boost their own ego and self-esteem. More than half of participants (57 percent) indicated that enhancing their self-esteem was a motive for their cheating.
  6. Out of anger. This was not the most commonly cited reason, but anger played a role in the affairs of many participants (43 percent). In these cases, cheating was seen as a way to punish a partner or enact revenge.
  7. Not feeling committed. Lacking love and lacking commitment to a current romantic partner are both tied to general feelings of relationship dissatisfaction. They may go hand in hand. In terms of commitment, nearly half (41 percent) of participants indicated that having low levels of commitment to their romantic partners motivated their cheating.
  8. Because of sexual desire. About one-third of participants (32 percent) reported that they were driven to have an affair because of their sexual desire. Maybe in their established relationship, individuals aren’t engaging in the frequency of sex, style of sex, or specific sexual behaviors that they want; this can contribute to their reasons to cheat. Men reported this reason more than women (Selterman et al., 2019).

These eight motives for infidelity cover aspects of the self, the existing relationship, and the context. They reveal great variety in the reasons as to why people cheat. While certainly, one primary reason could drive a person to be unfaithful, it’s likely that a combination of factors is at the root of many extradyadic affairs.

It’s also possible that there are motivations that were not fully captured in this study, in part because—as the authors noted—participants were trying to remember what motivated past behavior. Sometimes, memory isn’t on point to what actually motivated the behavior in the first place.

References

Fincham, F. D., & May, R. W. (2017). Infidelity in romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 70-74.

Barta, W. D., & Kiene, S. M. (2005). Motivations for infidelity in heterosexual dating couples: The roles of gender, personality differences, and sociosexual orientation. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 22, 339-360.

Selterman, D., Garcia, J. R., & Tsapelas, I. (2019). Motivations for extradyadic infidelity revisited. The Journal of Sex Research, 56, 273-286.

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Micro-Cheating and its Insidious Risk to Marriage

Originally posted by
https://drlorischade.wordpress.com/2019/05/06/micro-cheating-and-its-insidious-risk-to-marriage/

Anyone who has read my blog for any length of time will know that I am continually harping on boundaries as an important construct for marital stability. In the current digital social climate, if there are any natural boundaries at all to prevent infidelity in a marriage, they are so diffuse and easily crossed that their existence is barely recognizable.

Micro-cheating is a relatively new relationship buzzword alluding to small behaviors that both approach and potentiate infidelity.

Common micro-cheating behaviors include contacting exes, sexting, complaining about your marriage to others, secretly maintaining contact with anyone behind your spouse’s back, and any level of flirting; but there are limitless ways to micro-cheat, because it has more to do with both a state of mind and deception than anything else.

In my clinical practice, more couples than ever are arguing about partners’ decisions for interacting with extra-marital acquaintances who feel threatening. In addition to traditional face-to-face flirtatious behaviors, a whole new threat exists in digital flirting, such as email, texting, Facebook messaging, Instagram likes, online games, and any other mechanism for messaging someone in a forum closed to the other spouse. It’s not uncommon for me to be moderating a power struggle between couples arguing about whether or not a spouse’s actions are considered micro-cheating or harmless contact. Some people are fighting for their right to autonomous decision-making, but that path can lead to unintended harmful consequences.

I believe the most dangerous aspect of micro-cheating is that people rarely recognize the very real threat to relationship stability, so they aren’t careful. While I recognize that there are exceptions, I have never heard an affair client state that they went looking for an affair. Instead, I hear things like, “I never planned to be unfaithful,” or “It just happened,” or “I just fell into it,” or “I can’t believe I’m in this situation,” or many other phrases describing a feeling of being helplessly pulled into the nightmarish drama.

The problem with crossing boundaries is that you’re safe until you’re not.

Duh, right? But what I mean by that is that in every situation, two people are exchanging playful and flirtatious messages because it’s intoxicating to get positive affirmation from another person, and they mistakenly believe that they are safe from infidelity. Most people tell themselves, “I’m not the type to have an affair so it won’t happen,” or they underestimate the emotional bonding resulting from repeated contact. Eventually, there is a predictable “tipping point.” Malcolm Gladwell, in his same titled book, describes this as overall effect when an accumulation of minor phenomena reach a critical point to create a major change.

Micro-cheating behaviors can eventually cause a tipping point. In almost every situation, couples shift from playful banter into deeper emotional connection seemingly instantly and surprisingly, when it is actually the predictable result of eventual connection from micro-cheating.

Extra-marital emotional connection has a real-life impact on disrupting marital connection. Two people can have a virtual affair without ever being in the same physical location. The feelings experienced in emotional affairs are real, and commonly starve a marriage. People in emotional affairs usually decrease their attention and effort toward their spouses, and the result is unhappiness and possible marital dissolution.

Remember, while there are a myriad of behaviors that can be labeled as micro-cheating, the concept has more to do with attitudes than behavior. Can you safely like someone’s Instagram post or make a comment and not be flirting? Of course! Can you email, text or otherwise message someone platonically without compromising your marriage? Out of practicality, yes. However, micro-cheating is ultimately the biggest problem when it is hidden or minimized. 

When you have to hide your passwords from your spouse, there’s a bigger risk for micro-cheating. 

When your spouse is feeling threatened by your extra-marital interactions, and you continue those interactions, you are very likely micro-cheating.

Ultimately, the most effective boundaries in marriage are built by creating safe emotional and physical connection within the marriage. As much as marriage experts affirm that this takes effort, I am continually surprised by the general apathy many people have toward their spouses. Without effort and energy, marriages drift. Distance leaves marriages more vulnerable to infidelity.

I loved “falling in love,” as much as the next person. The heightened motivational state, fueled by novelty and the “love cocktail,” of brain chemicals is euphoric. However, I have difficulty with the word “falling,” because it implies an absence of power to influence our own feelings of being in love.

When people report “falling out of love,” I respect their experiences and don’t dispute their perceptions. However, I also know that staying in love is an active endeavor. I always wanted a good marriage. I have also consistently focused on my spouse by promoting time together and adjusting my own desires and needs to fit his desires and needs. I admit that I have a spouse who is easy to love, and I’ve seen many individuals I cannot imagine spending a life with, but I am also committed to “staying in love,” which requires focus, practice, repetition, conflict resolution, forgiveness, repair,  and commitment. I’m going to love my spouse because I said I would. As long as he is respectful and loving in return, “falling out of love,” is not an option.

Ultimately, if you don’t want to “fall out of love,” with your partner, evaluating and curbing your own micro-cheating is a good place to start.

Reference: The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference by Malcolm Gladwell (2000), Little, Brown.

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Surprising Causes of Infidelity

Surprising Causes of Infidelity
Therapists shed a new light on what prompts cheating. Plus: how does porn, Facebook and Match.com influence infidelity?
By Your Tango August 23rd, 2012

A survey of counseling professionals from YourTango.com—the digital leader in love and relationships—sheds dramatic, new light on infidelity. Surprisingly, it’s not about the sex. Instead, emotional dissatisfaction is the number-one reason both men and women cheat, according to these experts, while sexual dissatisfaction comes in second. Only 8% of respondents say men are “hard-wired” to “spread their seed.”

About this statistic, YourTango Expert Lynn R. Zakeri has this to say: “It may sound surprising, but many men are really looking for someone to connect with, to be their best friend and their intimate partner, and when they lose that connection in their marriage, they may look elsewhere.” Meanwhile, YourTango Expert Dr. Susan Heitler adds, “While there are many factors that can lead to an extramarital sexual encounter, emotional distance is one that couples can prevent. If there’s been distress, dissension or too much distance, take a marriage ed class to learn how to stay more comfortably connected.”

Members of YourTango Experts, an organization of 1,200 psychotherapists, counselors, coaches and other helping professionals, completed a survey that reveals numerous insights on infidelity, including culprits, preventative measures and counterintuitive advice for adulterers.

While nearly 50% agree that technology is a catalyst for cheating, only 7% indicate that Facebook has increased the number of affairs significantly. 90% say that dating sites like Match.com just provide the opportunity; if someone wants to cheat, he/she will find a way regardless of the sites or services available.

The top two measures to prevent cheating are: (1) for both partners to feel valued and important to each other and (2) to have good communication. Satisfying sex clocked in third.

“This data is consistent with our previous research that underscores the real problem for most couples is less about sex and more about feeling valued and communicating successfully,” states Andrea Miller, CEO and Founder of YourTango. “And while 50% of affairs play out sexually, emotional affairs constitute the betrayal a whopping 40% of the time. It’s the lack of closeness that overwhelmingly leads to cheating and discord.”

Thankfully, there’s hope for the unfaithful. 81% disagree with the adage “once a cheater, always a cheater.” YourTango Expert Dr. Shoshanna Bennett explains this result saying, “Sometimes certain factors collide in one’s life which may lead to cheating. Once those circumstances are handled or worked through (usually regarding the primary relationship), the temptation to cheat frequently disappears, never to return again.”

Additional findings include:

  • 59% of experts agree that pornography influences infidelity.
  • 47% of experts say that celebrities do not cheat any more frequently than the rest of us. However, 76% of experts claim that celebrity cheating scandals affect how the rest of us view infidelity.
  • 57% say that if someone in a relationship has been unfaithful, it is not always best for him/her to tell his/her partner.

Complete survey details and additional insights are available through “The Truth About Infidelity” initiative on YourTango.com.