CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

pornography

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Wives, your Husband needs your HELP!

This post is specifically to the spouses of men who struggle with sexual purity.  Too many times I’ve heard  that wives are not comfortable with their husbands attending a sexual purity group.  Sexual sin carries great shame, both for the husband and also the wife.  There are some wives that don’t want people to know that their husband struggles with sexual sin.  There are some wives that don’t want others to know that their marriage might have problems.  There are some wives who don’t want to be seen going into their own recovery group because their husband as a “little” pornography problem.  Of course, there are those wives that actively support their husband, his recovery, and her own recovery.  Keep in mind, you can’t actually do the recovery work your husband needs to do, nor can you heal him.  However, you can support him in his recovery every step of the way.  Here are some thoughts I have for spouses that don’t want their husbands to attend a Castimonia (or other sexual purity) meeting.

  1. Don’t automatically assume this is a group only for sexual addicts who have acted out outside of their marriage.  Castimonia is for any man who struggles with ANY type of sexual impurity, whether it be lustful thoughts, self-gratification, or even watching non-pornographic sexual material on the internet or cable TV.  If your husband struggles with any type of sexual impurity, they should attend Castimonia (or any other type of sexual purity group).
  2. Don’t underestimate the enemy and his temptations.  This is a huge issue in our sexualized American society.  One can hardly go a day without seeing some sort of sexual advertising, TV show, news story, magazine, etc…  The enemy knows your husband’s weakness, and it isn’t just your husband, it is every man.  For millennia, the enemy has tempted man sexually and many men have fallen to sexual temptation.  Don’t assume because your husband is a “godly” man, he won’t fall to sexual temptation.  The perfect example is King David, a man after God’s own heart.  If he can get help when he has the lustful thought, then perhaps he can prevent a lifetime of heartache by following through with immoral sexual activity.
  3. Don’t shame your husband because he is wanting to seek help.  By shaming, I mean, don’t automatically assume this is only his problem or even call him names or call him weak.  Understand, that by bringing it into your marriage, it is BOTH of your problem.  Yes, if he is a sexual addict, he will need healing for himself, but the good “side effect” is a more intimate marriage and a better husband to you and better father to your children.  You should be praising God that your husband is seeking help now for what might be a “minor” sexual purity issue, than later when has crossed the flesh-line.
  4. Don’t make the argument that you don’t want others in your church to see your husband may have a problem with sexual purity.  Understand that ALL men have had problems with sexual purity; remember the 80/20 joke a few months ago?  Yes, 80% of men struggle with some sort of sexual purity issue and the 20% that say they don’t, are lying.   Having your husband step forward and state they have a problem with sexual purity is a blessing to other husbands and wives that have been waiting for someone else to step forward to seek help.
  5. Don’t make the assumption that his problem will magically disappear without any recovery work.  Pretending everything is “OK” will not make the problem go away. Like a wound, it will continue to fester until it becomes infected and nearly out of control before the healing comes.  Although family is important, make time in your schedules so that your husband can attend recovery meetings or therapy appointments.  Recovery from sexual impurity can be a long process, depending on how far down the scale your husband has gone.  However, it is possible for all those who earnestly desire it.
  6. Don’t ignore the pain and trauma your husband has caused you.  This goes back to the “it’s his problem, not mine” attitude I mentioned early.  Again, sexual sin is extremely shameful to both the husband and wife.  Discovering your husband has a sexual purity problem can be a very traumatic event, especially if it involves pornography or sex outside of your marriage.  It is important that you get into your own support and recovery group and seek therapy to help you heal from these wounds your husband has caused.  Running away from the marriage will not work.  Telling your husband, “this is your problem, not mine” will not work.  You, the wife, needs healing too!

For those wives that actively support their husbands attending recovery meetings, I give you a tremendous amount of thanks.  Having a supportive and fearless wife has helped me tremendously in starting and maintaining Castimonia.

And if you still have fear about your husband attending a Castimonia meeting at your home church, keep in mind that we are slowly expanding.  We now have FOUR meetings, two of which are off-campus.  You can click on the link below for meeting times and locations.  Don’t let fear keep you from helping your husband attend Christ-centered recovery meetings!

http://castimonia.org/meetings/meeting-times-locations/

For those that live North of I-10, a fifth Castimonia meeting is being scheduled for late 2012 early 2013 North of I-10 between I-10 and 290!  Please help your husband seek the help he desperately needs by asking him to attend and supporting his attendance at Castimonia or other Christ-centered Men’s Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Groups!

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Christians and Pornography

I saw this interesting graphic on PureHope’s blog originally posted by Covenent Eyes and found it amusing.  The reason I found it so amusing is that I believe that the numbers shown on the graphic (50% for Men and 20% for Women) are lower than reality.  It should read, within the Christian community, 50% of Men/20% of Women admit to watching pornography.  There are many more within the Christian church that will not admit to viewing pornography and will not find help for their problem.

Even if the number is “only” 50% of men, that is still half of the men in church view pornography on a regular basis.  Next time you are in church, look around and generally count the number of men, then realize that at least half of those men have been looking at pornography.  Hopefully you are reading this and are not one of them, but if you are, there is help for you.

I recall during one of our Men’s Fraternity group meetings an anonymous survey was passed around where we all answered questions on our pornography use.  From the 30 or so participants, 100% admitted to having used pornography with 75% or so using it regularly (weekly to monthly).

I will post a survey later to check on my own results from other Christian men on the issue of pornography usage within the Church.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

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Video – Nefarious: Merchant of Souls (Trailer)

It is my personal opinion that if you are or were involved in prostitution then you were linked to human trafficking and the problems associated with it.  I pray that none of you who read this post and watch this trailer are continuing to visit prostitutes in the United States, or abroad….

The full video can be ordered through the Nefarious website: http://nefariousdocumentary.com/

“Modern slavery.” It sounds like a paradox. Hasn’t humanity progressed? Didn’t we leave slavery dead on the battlefields of the American Civil War? Didn’t social reformers like Lincoln and Wilberforce legislate against such cruelty over a hundred years ago? So we had thought. But, with over 27 million enslaved people in the world, human trafficking is once again the battlefront of the century.

Regardless of nationality, victims are systematically stripped of their identity, battered into gruesome submission, and made to perform humiliating sexual acts on up to 40 strangers every night. Most are held in dingy apartments and brothels, forced to take heavy doses of illegal drugs, and monitored very closely. Victims are often thrown into such ghastly oppression at 13 years old. Some are abducted outright, while others are lured out of poverty, romantically seduced, or sold by their families.

Nefarious, Merchant of Souls, is a hard-hitting documentary that exposes the disturbing trends in modern sex slavery. From the very first scene, Nefarious ushers you into the nightmare of sex slavery that hundreds of thousands experience daily. You’ll see where slaves are sold (often in developed, affluent countries), where they work, and where they are confined. You’ll hear first-hand interviews with real victims and traffickers, along with expert analysis from international humanitarian leaders.

From initial recruitment to victim liberation—and everything in between—the previously veiled underworld of sex slavery is uncovered in the groundbreaking, tell-all Nefarious, Merchant of Souls.

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What I Wish I’d Known Before Watching Porn

Lauren Dubinsky wrote a very powerful article on what she’d wish she’d known before watching porn.  What stood out to me the most was that some, if not all of these items were what I wish I’d known before watching porn.  I have listed her “wish list” below with my comments at the end.

I wish that 10 years ago someone had educated me on pornography. What it is, what it does and what it reaches in and destroys in the hearts, minds and bodies of men and women.

I wish that someone would have told me that researchers have suggested it sabotages your sex life.

I wish someone would have explained how dopamine, the chemical that is released every time you experience pleasure, drives you to return to what provided that feeling before.

I wish someone would have told me that the kind of pornography you’re most turned on by is usually linked to a corresponding hurtful event in your life, further injuring your brokenness.

I wish someone would have told me pornography would normalize things I wasn’t emotionally or physically ready to handle in my relationships with men women, making me feel like I had no options or control over my sex life, filling me with much regret and physical pain.

I wish someone would have told me I would begin to objectify men women, build up images in my mind and think of sex day in and day out, to the point where I couldn’t remain focused on anything else.

I wish someone would have told me it would make me feel less valuable to men women and bring up insecurities for years in the bedroom.

I wish someone would have pointed out pornography can establish your sexuality completely apart from real-life relationships, causing huge problems in your intimacy with real significant others.

I wish someone would have explained what “sexual anorexia” was and that countless young men are unable to get erections because they’ve been watching porn since they were around 14 years old.

I wish someone would have told all the men women I’ve dated that the porn they are watching is keeping them me from being turned on by me them, ultimately destroying our relationship.

I wish someone would have told me that the dopamine and oxytocin being released from my watching certain types of pornography would cause me to question my sexual orientation, which in turn cost me relationships with friends.

I wish someone would have told me it would subtly create a “victim” mentality in my mind, causing me to be even more sensitive than I already was to [making] catcalls, whistles, and even sincere compliments.

I wish someone had talked about how women others watch it too, so I wouldn’t have had to spend years living under the shame that comes with being “the only one” and thinking there was something wrong with me.

My “I wish” list is nowhere near complete, either. In the end, I simply wish someone would have told me why it was so harmful, instead of simply putting it on a list of things we don’t talk about. We all know our rights and wrongs, but seldom do we know what makes them so. Had I known how much it would have harmed me, I would have left it alone.

I have used the strike-through function to change the orientation of the “I wish” list.  For me, Lauren’s incomplete “I wish” list is nearly identical to mine.  There are a lot of things I wish I had known before watching pornography, but in my case, it started at age 4 by finding my father’s pornography – not much that can be done at that age other than not to keep it in the house!

For those parents who think that their children won’t find their secret pornography stash or find it on the computer, I ask you to PLEASE get rid of it ASAP, especially if you have young children.  Chances are, it may be too late, they might already have been exposed and are not telling you.  I hid my secret for over 30 years!

You can read her entire article by following the link below:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lauren-dubinsky/porn-addiction_b_1686481.html

Take what you like and leave the rest.

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic – Step 10 Step Study

 We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
“So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!” (1 Corinthians 10:12)

In today’s Castimonia meeting we reviewed Step 10 from the Twelve Steps for Christians and the SAA Green Book.

In understanding Step 10, one equation is important to me.

Step 10 = (Step 4 + Step 5 + Step 6 + Step 7 + Step 8 + Step 9)

If one understands this, Step 10 becomes much easier to work through.  Why?  Because we’ve already worked Step 10 when we worked through Steps 4 – 9!  However, it is equally important to understand the basis of Step 10.  As is stated in our “How it Works” section, “…we are not perfect as Christ.”  This tells me that there will be days when I don’t work my program or live my life perfectly, and that is OK.  The 10th Step states, “When we were wrong,” not “IF we were wrong.”  This signifies that WE WILL fall short, there is no doubt.  We are humans and only Christ was perfect and I am not He.  The point is, we don’t beat ourselves up because we fall short, we work through our program, take personal inventory, expose those character defects, make amends, and move forward!

“Even with our best efforts we make mistakes.  We are human, and we fall short of the mark regularly, even when we are abstinent from our addictive sexual behavior….. our imperfection is certain, and mistakes are inevitable.  We adopt the attitude of learning from, rather than denying, our mistakes.  Working this step allows us to let go of both perfectionism and grandiosity.  We gradually discover the relief and humility of not having to be perfect.” – SAA Green Book, p. 52 & 55

Well stated by the SAA Green Book.  I really like the thought that I don’t have to be perfect.  That a healthy me does not have to be perfect to be a good person, to be lovable!  The key is, to be able to admit when we are wrong, even at the cost of losing everything in our lives.  To continue to live in rigorous honesty is key to our continued growth in recovery and in maintaining long-term sobriety.  In understanding Step 10, we need to understand that the 12 Steps are “living” and we will continue to work them as long as we remain in recovery.

The true test will be if a person goes through a relapse into addictive sexual behaviors.  I pray that no one ever has to go through this test!  However, in understanding that the steps work and there is continued growth in recovery and in working the steps on a daily basis, one must be courageous enough to follow through with the 10th Step if one has a relapse into addictive sexual behavior.  Yes, they could lose their spouse, their family, their jobs, but it is better to admit when we failed, than to allow the addiction to hold onto us tightly with the chains of secrecy!  We must be courageous enough to trust in God that He is loving and caring and will see us through any of these difficulties.  We must be courageous enough to step back into the light and release any secrets we have held onto after a relapse.  We must be courageous enough to stay in recovery, no matter the cost!

The program works, if you work it.