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How Should Affairs End Part I

Posted by James Browning on February 21, 2013

sad-and-lost-manSome affairs are “one night stands.” They usually take place when a spouse is away on a trip, or when one has gone out partying without the other spouse. These relatively loveless affairs usually happen when people drink and lose impulse control. Alcoholics are the ones most likely to have these flings. Other affairs start as a caring friendship and develop over years to become a complete relationship that solves most emotional and practical issues for the couple. These relationships become so complete and persistent that spouses are eventually divorced, and the lovers are united in marriage. But most affairs are somewhere in between one night stands and relationships that lead to marriage. Affairs usually take place because they meet important “emotional needs”. But most affairs meet only some emotional needs not met in marriage, leaving others that are being met by a spouse. That fact usually rules out the possibility of divorce, at least for the spouse having the affair. The wayward spouse knows that the lover, for some reason, is not able to meet some of the needs met by his or her spouse. So most affairs are never intended to lead to divorce and remarriage, but are “safety-valve” relationships that satisfy a need not met in marriage. Having drawn the above conclusion about the nature of affairs, it should be obvious why most wayward spouses would like their affairs to go undetected. Not only do they want to avoid all the unhappiness that goes with discovery, but they also want to continue the affair as long as it meets needs not met in marriage. In most cases, a lover only meets one or two emotional needs, while the spouse meets others. From “Coping With Infidelity Part II” by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

“If you cheat on someone who is willing to do anything for you, you actually cheated yourself out of true loyalty.” – Anonymous

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We Are All Wired For Affairs Part II

I do not necessarily believe that we are “all wired for affairs” but found this information interesting.

older-couple-angry-in-bedThe unsuspecting jilted spouse usually senses a problem when an affair begins. For one thing, an affair usually takes up quite a bit of time, and all sorts of excuses are given to be away from home — having to work late, impulsive trips to the store and unexplained absences from work — they all become more and more difficult to believe. Telephone records and credit card receipts are carefully hidden, for if they are found, they will often reveal the scope of the affair. When the spouses are together, an emotional distance usually prevails. Sex is almost always a problem for women who are having an affair, and many men having an affair find they cannot make love to their wives, either. In many cases, intimacy in marriage becomes so bad that a separation is requested to “sort things out.” An affair is often suspected by the jilted spouse, but almost always vigorously denied by the offending spouse. It usually takes solid evidence… to get an unfaithful spouse to admit the truth. I’ve seen so many spouses lie about affairs, that when one spouse wants a separation, my best guess is that he or she is having an affair. I’m right almost every time. Why would anyone need to be alone to sort things out? It makes much more sense to think that being separated makes it easier to be with their lover. Granted, there are many good reasons for a separation, such as physical or extreme mental abuse. But of all those I’ve seen separate, most have had lovers in the wings. Since an affair usually creates emotional distance between spouses, lovers describe their increasing dissatisfaction with their marriages. They talk about how incompatible they are in marriage and how compatible they are with each other. The addiction they have for each other turns the relationship into a passion that makes an eternal relationship with each other an absolute necessity. Many would rather commit suicide together than to return to their horrible spouses. “Coping With Infidelity” by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html

“A love affair is like a short story– it has a beginning, a middle, and an end. The beginning was easy, the middle might drag, invaded by commonplace, but the end, instead of being decisive and well-knit with that element of revelatory surprise as a well-written story should be, it usually dissipated in a succession of messy and humiliating anticlimaxes.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

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We Are All Wired For Affairs

I do not necessarily believe that we are “all wired for affairs” but found this information interesting, especially the negative emotional effects which the wayward spouse experiences.

affair_2314494bYou or your spouse are more likely to have an affair than you are to divorce. And your chances of divorce are already 50-50. An affair is devastating to almost everyone involved. It’s one of the most painful experiences that the jilted spouse will ever be forced to endure, and it is also very painful for the children. Friends and members of the extended family are usually hurt as well. But what most people don’t realize is that the unfaithful spouse and the lover are also hurt by the experience. It almost always causes them to suffer acute depression, often with thoughts of suicide. With all this sadness, why do so many people do it? Affairs are almost always with friends and co-workers. That’s because the people you work with and those you spend leisure time with are usually in the best position to meet your most important emotional needs. But in the world of the internet, total strangers can also meet your emotional needs through chat rooms and e-mail because they meet your need for conversation so effectively. Do you and your spouse talk as much and as deeply as you talk to people on the internet? If not, watch out. As you probably know, an affair through the internet is becoming one of the most dangerous risks of owning a computer. We are all wired for affairs. The only people who are exempt are those who are utterly incapable of meeting someone else’s emotional needs. If you can’t meet anyone’s needs, no one will ever fall in love with you. But if your spouse has anything to offer others, and you are not meeting an important emotional need, commitment to “forsake all others” can become words without meaning. From “Coping With Infidelity” by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html

“There are all kinds of ways for a relationship to be tested, even broken, some, irrevocably; it’s the endings we’re unprepared for.” – From “Not To Us” By Katherine Owen

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Creating a New Culture: No Radio Needed

Originally posted February 19, 2013 · by

turnoffradioMany of us have felt it, thought it, and probably said it out loud, “Oh, what difference can I, just one person, make in this loud and porn-saturated culture?”

Honestly, there is something you can do…something that will make a difference for the next generation. It’s a small, yet significant step in the right direction, the kind that will help to create a new kind of culture: one that embraces truth and dignity.

Sounds like a grandiose vision, yet getting started takes one simple conscious act.

Turn off your radio.

Yes, it’s as simple as that!

Read the following song lyrics from Kesha’s new release (C’mon) and you be the judge of what kind of culture our sons and daughters are saturated in:

Feeling like I’m a high schooler, Sipping on a warm wine cooler.  

Hot ’cause the party don’t stop, I’m in a crop top like I’m working at Hooters. 

We been keepin’ it PG, But I wanna get a little frisky.

Come gimme some of it, yum like a lollipop, Let me set you free.

We’re both going home satisfied, Let’s go for it just for tonight,

C’mon, c’mon, c’mon. 

 I don’t wanna go to sleep, I wanna stay up all night, I wanna just screw around. 

I don’t wanna think about, What’s gonna be after this, I wanna just live right now

The misguiding, sexual and pornographic messages in these lyrics are so obvious that it seems pointless to over analyze or debate the fact. Just think about what exactly is being forecasted to a younger generation through these words.

And the second step? Begin talking to your kids.

Protecting kids from this kind of message means taking action and speaking up. When we do this, we get to influence our sons and daughters, instead of allowing the culture around them to have its way with their impressionable young minds. We get to help create a new culture for them to grow up in.

So, be encouraged – be empowered – turn off your radio and let the conversation begin…today!fam

Here are some other ideas for you to consider:

1) If you don’t want to turn the radio off, at least change the station and explain why to your kids.

2) Talk to your kids about sex; if you don’t, they’ll learn about it elsewhere (from Kesha?! One has to shudder!).

3) Tell your kids, at the appropriate age (and it’s younger than you think), the truth about pornography and all of its not-so-subtle messages pushed on them by the media.

4) Ask your son and daughter what they think about lyrics such as in this song…and really listen to their answer – you might learn something.

5) Critique your own music choices; if you wouldn’t want it for your daughter or son, then why listen to it?

6) Offer or introduce your kids to music that is inspiring, challenging, fun, beautiful, interesting, and emotive.  There is a treasure trove of great music in all styles; and as wisdom would tell us, the radio is not the best place to find innovation or true greatness.

7) Teach your kids that sex is a sacred gift from God; one that is to be enjoyed and valued, not a taboo, dirty subject.

8) Tell your daughter and son she/he is worth waiting for! Empower them to say ‘NO to sex…and, by the way, oral sex is sex!’

9)  Tell your kids that ‘screwing around’ leads 1 in 4 teens to having an STI – leaving many of our daughters affected for life.

10) Be grateful for every opportunity to talk about such issues and take advantage of them – you’ll get plenty of them!! Your kids will thank you one day…much later in life, of course!

11) And one more, call your local DJ and radio stations and tell them why you are offended by songs such as these and why you will not tune in.

Whatever you decide to do to help create a new culture of truth and dignity, remember this: it’s never too late to start – and you don’t even need a radio to do it!

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Coming From Inside You

imagescat0v1faMany partners of addicts have told me they feel bad about themselves for staying in the relationship because of the betrayal they’ve experienced. They imagine that the people who know their past judge them to be stupid for staying with the person who’s caused them so much pain. I often counter this thinking, explaining that leaving may seem quick and easy because they can pretend they’re okay and the problem has disappeared. However, if you leave your relationship, you’ll be stuck with your pain and sorrow without the person you loved to help you sort it out. Why is this true? Because even though it feels as if your pain comes from your partner, it’s actually coming from inside you. From the book “Erotic Intelligence: Igniting Hot, Healthy Sex While in Recovery from Sex Addiction” by Alexandra Katehakis,