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Journal Through Recovery Entry 28: The Wounds

The wounds aren’t just my spouse’s. The wounds aren’t just mine. Others have received the fallout from the depth of my years of lying, manipulating, and self satisfaction. My kids. Their wounds are hidden. Sometimes I don’t even know they are there. Until they are. There they are, bursting forth. The results of my sin and the sin of a fallen world. The results of my deep ingrained defects of character.

I am working on Step Six. It seems easy enough. I have to be entirely ready to have God remove my defects of character. It seems simple enough. All I have to do is say I am ready, right? Actually, this step is unfolding in a way I didn’t expect. My awareness of the stark differences in my fundamental core character defects when compared to the perfect example of Christ doesn’t leave my thoughts as I pray and ask for Him to make sure I am ready.

As I list each of my primary flaws, I try and focus on specific examples of how I have exemplified those flaws in my life. I can only go through one at a time. Cumulatively they are too much for me to comprehend and emotionally handle. The scope of the impact of my flaws on the people I love is just so great. So, I follow my sponsor’s advice and ask God to reveal each to me in His timing as I am ready to accept them and turn them over to Him.

This has been an exercise in patience, trust, and prayer. Specifically, I have asked God to go through each of them. To give me awareness of the impact of each and to prepare my heart and mind to release them to Him. First was pride and selfishness. I thought I was prepared to turn that one over. I thought I had dealt with all of pride and had released it. I didn’t pay too much attention to when my counselor told me he for some reason thought there was still pride ingrained in me that I hadn’t let go. So, I was ready to turn that over. But I really wasn’t.

I was walking with my wife. It’s a way we have connected again, spending time walking our dog and just having conversations. Intimate conversations about her damage, my recovery, our future, our kids. I told her that a division connected to my company had reached out to me, had interest in me for a job, a promotion, a level that I badly had wanted in the past. How awesome was that? We had talked about a new start and a move at some point, so I obviously thought this was a great idea. Thankfully, my wife is a truth teller. She looked at me and asked what was I doing? I was only 5 months into my recovery and why on earth would I want to mess that up, move our kids, uproot any sense of stability she and we had. She reminded me that my constant chasing of career led to strain on our marriage, instability for our kids, and ultimately enabled my acting out. Her wounds are there, always. Sometimes I don’t see them. Sometimes they are just below the surface. But her wounds are still there.

God is sovereign. God is consistent. God answers prayers. I asked him to prepare me to give over my defects of character. He is doing so by making sure I am clear on what they are. And I am clear on the wounds they have caused.

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Castimonia Purity Podcast Episode 42: Step 5 – Sex Addiction Recovery – Confession

Jorge and Doug discuss how to work Step 5 in sex addiction recovery. They discuss the practical steps in confession to God, to yourself, and to another person.  There is freedom in admitted all of our brokenness and still finding acceptance.

They talk about resources at castimonia.org as well as other recovery tools.

After working on Step 4, we have a clear picture of our character defects and our need to change, so Step 5 allows us to “grow up” and start living in the light in an authentic way.

As always, email us at puritypodcast@castimonia.org for more information, and remember that you are not walking on the road of recovery alone!

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Step 4 Review of Flaws with Michael Scott

step-4-review-of-flaws

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Teen Shares 7 Tips for Overcoming Pornography

http://pornproofkids.com/2015/04/09/teen-shares-7-tips-for-overcoming-pornography/

by Kristen Jenson

by Claudine Gallacher, MA

A teenage boy reveals how early pornography exposure (at the age of nine) pulled him towards porn and shares the seven steps he used to cast porn out of his life.

When I met 16-year old Brian (not his real name), I knew I wanted to interview him. His peers would call him a people person, friendly, and helpful.  After talking with him for several hours, I agree.

Porn Talk is Common in Middle School

Brian was exceptionally open with me about his personal experiences with pornography. He was exposed to pornography (in the form of scantily dressed sexualized females) at age 9. When he was 11, friends told him about Playboy, a term he quickly typed into an iPod.

At some point he realized that pornography was a “bad thing” and that it led boys to see girls as objects. Brian didn’t like how watching porn was affecting him. Still, porn had a powerful pull and he kept coming back to it for years.

“Pornography is constantly talked about in middle school,” Brian told me. “Probably every day you could walk around the lunch tables and hear boys discussing videos they had seen or telling stories about porn stars.” He emphasized that porn was new and exciting for tweens.

By high school, watching porn was so commonplace that it wasn’t talked about as much. But occasionally, Brian would hear about the experiences of friends. Brian knew a freshman boy that said he had to masturbate to porn at least twice a day or he would get the “jitters.” The boy knew he had a problem, but was afraid to tell his parents. Another friend told Brian that he had to masturbate to porn after getting home from a date where he “almost kissed a girl, but didn’t.” The sexual tension he felt seemed unbearable.

Why Kids Use Porn

“Most boys see masturbating as a great stress reliever. That’s the main reason why they do it,” Brian explained. And with porn, it’s easy. Some young men cannot imagine what boys of previous generations did without easy access to porn.

By the time Brian was almost 15, he decided to get off porn for good. Fortunately, Brian has a good relationship with his parents and they helped him with his goal. Within six months, Brian was able to stop using pornography.

What did Brian do?

  1. He sacrificed having Internet on his phone by deleting his app for the internet. His parents also utilized restrictions (protected by passwords) and disabled the Internet on the phone.
  2. He sacrificed watching some TV shows or movies with sexualized girls. He learned to be conscious of how the things he saw made him feel. He practiced walking out of the room and distracting himself when images initiated arousal. His parents supported him in this.
  3. He sacrificed his person email account. He had given this email to a pornographic site advertisement and was bombarded with inappropriate spam. He terminated this email account and now only uses the email account provided by his high school.
  4. He sacrificed privacy and left his bedroom door open at night.
  5. He learned to distract himself any time the desire to watch porn came to him. He’d ride his bike, go to a friend’s house, or find other ways to get active and around people.
  6. He had lengthy conversations with parents, who encouraged him, accepted him, and kept him accountable. They often asked him how he was doing with his goal to avoid porn.
  7. He started small. His first goal was to go one day without porn. When he made it, he tried for two. Eventually, he tried for a week, then two. If he slipped, he got back on track. Brian says, “Tell everyone the first month is by far the hardest. After a month it gets WAY easier. I had times I would wonder, ‘Why am I doing this?’ But I would fight it and remind myself I was doing it because I wanted to and I believed it would get better. It has.”

The secrets to Brian’s success?

Brian was able to make changes in his life because:

  • He was humble and honest;
  • He relied on others to keep him accountable;
  • He was willing to make changes to his environment that limited triggers;
  • He had a plan to distract himself when temptations came (like the CAN DO Plan!).

Brian told me that most teenage girls believe, like Hunger Games star Jennifer Lawrence (“…either your boyfriend is going to look at porn or he’s going to look at you”), that they have to compete with porn to maintain a boy’s attention. Though a lot of boys (and girls!) are getting hooked on porn, guys like Brian prove it doesn’t have to be that way.

 

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How Conflict Creates Connections For Couples

1 Thessalonians 5:11 – “ “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up.””

When my wife, Barbi, and I (Dr. Townsend) were first married, we used to have conflicts about conflict. Looking back, it’s kind of funny as I later went on to write a Christian relationship book called Boundaries in Marriage. Imagine watching us have boundary conversations about how bad our marriage boundaries were. Barbi’s approach to conflict was to avoid it. My approach tended to be more blunt. We’d talk about a problem and it wouldn’t go well. One of us would misunderstand, we would pull away from each other, and the problem wouldn’t get solved.

One day, I asked Barbi, “When we argue, I never stop loving you. Is there anything I can do to make this better for you?” She thought a minute and said, “Maybe if you let me know you love me before you confront me, that might help.”

I thought that was a good idea, so I agreed. The next time I wanted to have a talk with her about a concern, I walked in the room and said something like, “Honey, I just want to let you know I really care about you and I hope you feel safe with me.” Then when I brought up the problem, things went better for her and for us.

This method of having successful conversations went on for a while. As time passed, however, something changed. I needed to bring up an issue, so I began with, “Honey, I just want you to know…” Barbi said, “Stop! It’s okay. I know you love me; just get to the problem.”

We had a good laugh about it. Over time, she had begun feeling safe enough not to need reassurance before each conversation. She realized that I love her even in the midst of confrontation, and she was ready to go straight to solving whatever problem needed to be solved.

When God created marriage, he gave us one of his best gifts. He provided a permanent and safe connection for a man and a woman to experience love, joy, meaning, and purpose together. Genesis 2:24 says, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” God designed marriage to be a whole-person connection. This means that, more than in any other human relationship, every part of you ideally is to connect and cleave to every part of your spouse. The love you share should be complete as you intertwine your lives and emotions around each other.

Because marriage is such a wonderful type of relationship, confrontation within the marital relationship is very important. Who is better qualified to understand and speak to someone about a problem than the person who is living life right next to him? You are intimately involved with him. You see the real person, imperfections and all. His ways and actions affect you; you are not dispassionate about him. More than anyone, a spouse should be able to see what her partner’s true problems are.

Marriage is not about making each other happy; it is about growing and helping one’s spouse to grow. For instance, Ephesians 4:16 says good marriages are a large part of how the body of Christ “grows and builds itself up in love.” Happiness can and does come to a good marriage. Happiness, however, is a byproduct of growth and life. It is not the goal.

Confrontation brings empowerment, which is the ability to make choices and changes in your relationship. God created all of us to be change agents for each other. We have a responsibility to influence the people in our lives to be the best possible people they can be. For instance, 1 Thessalonians 5:11 says, “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up.”

Healthy confrontation helps us grow by making us aware of what we are doing and how our behavior affects others. God uses us to deliver the ingredients of growth to the people in our life. Part of the reason we are with whomever we are with is to provide those ingredients for those people. While most would agree that we can’t make someone change, it is also true that we can do much to encourage change.

As Barbi and I have learned to confront each other lovingly, directly, and effectively, we are often pleased in the change not only in our marriage but also in ourselves. We feel a sense of power that we can make changes and that we have choices. God designed all of us to connect and act, and confrontation helps put the “act” into the connection.

Today’s content is drawn from Boundaries In Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Copyright 2014 by Zondervan; all rights reserved. Visit BoundariesBooks.com for more information.