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physical abuse

March 20, 2018 By Castimonia

What Constitutes Abuse?

SOURCE:  Taken from an article by Leslie Vernick

Physical Abuse

Physical abuse is characterized by hitting, slapping, spitting at, punching, kicking, yanking (such as by the hair or limbs), throwing, banging, biting, restraining, as well as any other acts of physical coercion or violence directed at another person regardless of the person’s age. In addition spanking children could be considered physically abusive if it is done in anger, leaves marks on a child’s body, or is excessive.

Many people who abuse others through physical force or threats of force attempt to control and intimidate others through violence as well as create an atmosphere or environment of anticipated violence. They might punch a wall; wave their fist or gun in someone’s face.

These kinds of behaviors are abusive even if they do not result in visible injury to the victim. Abusive actions demonstrate profound disrespect for the well being of the other person. If someone did these same behaviors to a stranger or in public, his or her conduct would unquestionably be considered abusive and the perpetrator might even be arrested. Sadly many of these actions are done to people in their closest relationships behind closed doors.

Wherever there is physical abuse, there is always verbal and emotional abuse. Often sexual abuse is part of the overall abusive pattern.

Verbal and Emotional Abuse

Words and gestures are often the weapons of choice to hurt, destroy or control and dominate another person. We often underestimate the power of words to harm others and as Christians or people helpers we can be unsympathetic to those trapped in verbally abusive relationships.

We say things like “Don’t let it bother you.” Or “Just let it roll off your back.” We all remember the nursery rhyme, “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” But God knows how words affect our emotional, spiritual and physical health.

For example, Proverbs says, “Reckless words pierce like a sword” (Proverbs 12:18), and “Wise words bring many benefits” (Proverbs 12:14). “Gentle words are a tree of life, a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit” (Proverbs 15:4). “Kind words are like honey – sweet to the soul and healthy for the body” (Proverbs 16:24).

Most often we think of name calling, cursing, profanity and mocking when we think of verbal abuse. However, verbal abuse can also be more subtle or covert. Constant criticism, blaming, discounting the feelings, thoughts and opinions of another, as well as manipulating words to deceive, mislead or confuse someone are also abusive. Proverbs warns us, “The words of the wicked conceal violent intentions” (Proverbs 10:6b).

Emotional abuse can also be characterized by degrading, embarrassing publicly, or humiliating someone in front of family, friends or work associates.

Nonphysical abuse is more than using words to hurt another. Emotional abusers systematically undermine their victim in order to gain control. Abusers weaken others in order to strengthen themselves. They know what matters most to their target (for example, her children, his work, her appearance, her family, his pet, her friends) and they seek to destroy it.

Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse occurs whenever a person forces an unwilling party into having sexual relations or perform sexual acts, even within marriage. While teaching a class on domestic violence at a seminary, a student challenged my definition.

The seminary student argued that 1 Corinthians 7 was biblical proof that forcing a wife to have sex with her husband could not be considered abusive because it was biblically wrong for a wife to refuse her husband. From his perspective, it was man’s God-given right to force his wife if she denied him.

It is true that the apostle Paul cautioned husbands and wives not to deprive each other of sexual relations except under special circumstances. However, Paul also wrote that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). Paul describes what that kind of love looks like: it is a giving and cherishing love, not a coercing or disrespectful love (Ephesians 5:1, Corinthians 13).

If a wife refuses her husband, whatever her reason may be, a loving husband would never respond to his legitimate disappointment by forcing his wife to have sex against her will. At most he might try to gently change her mind but likely he would accept her decision and try again another time.

If his wife regularly denies him, ideally he would pray for her as well or ask her what the problem is, encourage her to work on the problem herself, or ask her if she is willing to go for help together. Forcing his wife to have sex against her will reduces her to an object for him to use as he sees fit regardless of her feelings. That is not only degrading and disrespectful to his wife, it is abusive and in some circumstances considered to be rape.

Other forms of sexual abuse are touching someone sexually without their permission, pressuring someone to view or participate in pornography, talking to someone in sexually derogatory or humiliating ways, taking sexually explicit pictures without a person’s permission or making uninvited suggestive comments.

Financial Abuse

At the heart of abuse is an inordinate seeking of power over someone else. Money can be used as a powerful weapon to control another person. In marriage, couples ideally decide together on a budget and both parties share power and responsibility for the management of the family funds. When a wife (or a husband) is given no voice or no choice in the family finances, it’s abusive. When a wife (or husband) must be accountable for every penny spent but the other spouse is not, then there is an imbalance of power. The spouse that is accountable is being treated as a child instead of an adult. In addition, financial abuse occurs when one spouse (usually the wife who is staying home with children), has no idea how much money her husband earns, nor does she have any joint access to that money. She is given an allowance, much like a child instead of an equal partner.

Financial abuse serves to keep a spouse overly dependent upon the breadwinner or controlling spouse. If she displeases him, he punishes her by withdrawing financial support. It also can be used to keep her from getting necessary medical attention, counseling support, or educational advancement.

Spiritual Abuse 

We read about leaders of cults who brainwash their members into subservience and unquestioning compliance. This brainwashing process creates people who cannot think for themselves or make independent choices without incurring the wrath or rejection from the group. When an individual, whether he be a cult leader, a pastor, or a head of a home requires unquestioning allegiance to his authority as the “voice of God” spiritual abuse is taking place.

In addition, spiritual abuse is misusing Scripture to get one’s own way, to shame and judge others, who do not do things your way, or to threaten and intimidate someone into compliance.

The important component of abusive behavior whether it is physical, emotional, sexual, financial or spiritual is control over the mind, will, and feelings of another person.

Abuse treats someone as if he or she were an object to control and use rather than a person to love and value.

Abuse of any kind is not only sinful; it is emotionally destructive and negates the personhood of the victim. Having a healthy relationship with another person is impossible when there is any kind of ongoing or unrepentant abuse.

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: abuse, addiction, Affairs, alcoholic, castimonia, Character Defects, christian, co-dependency, emotional abuse, Emotions, escorts, father wound, financial abuse, gratification, healing, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, physical abuse, porn, pornography, pornstar, pornstars, prostitutes, ptsd, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sex partners, sexual, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual impurity, sexual purity, spiritual abuse, spouses, STD, strippers, trauma

December 15, 2012 By Castimonia

Saturday Morning Meeting Music Topic – Spirit Speaks

In today’s Castimonia meeting we listened to a great song that I relate to Step 12; Spirit Speaks by Know Hope Collective.  Below are the lyrics to this song and what it means to me.

Your spirit speaks, it moves in meKnow Hope Collective
And I’m awakened to Your love
You’re drawing me onto my knees
And I’m astounded by Your love

‘Cause You spoke life into my lungs
You are the air I breathe, You are the air I breathe
Still You move inside of me
You are the song I sing, You are the song I sing, yeah, yeah

You cover me with arms that reach
And I’m amazed by Your sweet grace
You set me free, You washed me clean
And I’m forgiven by Your grace

‘Cause You spoke life into my lungs
You are the air I breathe, You are the air I breathe
Still You move inside of me
You are the song I sing, You are the song I sing, yeah

With every breath I breathe, with every song I sing
I want to shout it out, Lord, I am listening
To every word You speak, I’ll go where You will lead
To love the least of these, my greatest offering

Lord, I am Listening

I don’t claim to have ever heard the voice of God, at least not yet.  However, I often joke that the Holy Spirit has an English accent.  The reason I state this is because my good friend Ken, who started Merimnao Healing Ministries (the parent ministry over Castimonia), prompted me to start a Christ-centered sexual purity group.  I’ll admit, initially I was afraid.  I was afraid of what other people would think of me.  We were relatively new to the church, maybe 2 years there, and not everyone knew my background.  I did know this, I was being called to begin something bigger than me, although at the time I did not realize it.  Therefore, I now shout out to the Lord, that I am listening to Him by going wherever He leads me.  Sometimes I become frightened about announcing my ministry or what I do, but I have to remember that it is God’s work, not mine, that I do and I need only worry about what He thinks about me, not what others think, thus I “carry this message to others.”

Awakened to Your love

Furthermore, I was awakened to God’s love as shown by my family and my brothers in Christ.  Actually, I was astounded by God’s love.  In my addiction, I did not believe that someone like me was lovable or worthy of another human’s love, much less that of God.  However, as I began to be set free from the chains of sexual addiction and as I was washed clean and forgiven by God’s grace, I saw this as possible.  Now, I chose to display God’s love to others, helping them be set free, by God, from the chains of sexual addiction.

The least of these – the most despised and afflicted

I do refer to the men who attend my group as “the least of these” for a reason.  The more I learn about sex addiction and attend meetings or trainings, the more I hear about the trauma these men and women went through as children, adolescences, and adults. I hear heartbreaking stories of sexual abuse, physical abuse, verbal and emotional abuse, isolation, abandonment, violence, rape, near-death experiences, etc…  When society hears of a “sex addict” the worst of the worst is assumed.  These humans are almost always automatically categorized as perverts, child molesters, and rapists; despised by the society that helped cause their affliction.  None of these men and women grew up with dreams of becoming a sex addict, it was thrust upon them at a young age, a way to escape what was going on in their life, a survival mechanism that became uncontrollable.

Therefore, I chose to start this group and love the “least of these”, even when nobody else in their life would.  This was my greatest offering to the Lord.  Coming alongside these men who struggle with sexual purity issues and helping them along the way, just as God placed men in my life to help me along the way.

This is why I relate this song to Step 12, “having had a spiritual awakening, as a result of these steps, I carry the message to others and practice these principles in my own life.” Better yet, “Praise be to God and father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

Take what you like and leave the rest.

Filed Under: Meeting Topics, Saturday Morning Meeting Topics, Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, affair, Affairs, anonymous sex partners, call girls, castimonia, Character Defects, childhood sexual abuse, christian, emotional abuse, father wound, gratification, healing, Holy Spirit, human trafficking, Intimacy, Jesus, Jesus Christ, Know Hope Collective, lust, masturbation, meeting, physical abuse, porn, porn star, pornography, pornstar, pornstars, prostitute, prostitutes, ptsd, purity, rape, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sex partners, sexual, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual impurity, sexual purity, Spirit Speaks, strippers, trauma, violence

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This site is intended for individuals who struggle with maintaining sexual purity. This information is posted for individuals at various stages in their recovery, year 1 to year 30+; what applies to some, may not apply others. Spouses are encouraged to read this blog with the caveat that they may not agree with, understand, or know the reason for some items posted. As always, take what you like and leave the rest.

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