CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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The Power of Community

Posted on February 20, 2013 at 5:31 pm.
http://purehope.net/the-power-of-community/
by Dave Brown

BarsThe encouragement and accountability provided by a Christian community or support group is indispensable in the road to breaking free of addiction or struggle.  Sexual integrity groups, Faithful and True Groups (Mark Laaser),  Pure Desire Groups (Ted & Diane Roberts),  Samson Society Groups (Nate Larkin), or others provide a safe place for individuals to bring their wounds, sin, and shame into a caring and compassionate community. Such groups eliminate the isolation and secrecy that are the lifeblood of addiction, and provide the acceptance, understanding, structure, and truthfulness the addicted individual requires.  “We’re only as sick as our secrets,” as it has been said, and converting secrecy into transparency is fundamental to the journey out of bondage.

Counselor Doug Weiss says “I have never met anyone who has experienced sexual addiction recovery alone.  When you are accountable, sobriety is a much greater goal than just being abstinent.”

Dr. Mark Laaser believes in the power of an authentic community group that focuses on heart issues, wounds, and behaviors. “One guy (one accountability partner) is not enough. What if that guy is sick, or not at home, or not in a good mood that day? Plus, it’s tough to fool 10 guys.”  The same principle would hold for women’s or teen support.

There has to be a ruthlessness about truly facing core issues of heart level attractions and severing those by the Grace of God.  We need community both in a small group and with your local congregation.  We are to live lives in confession, contrition, and community as believers in Christ who seek His transforming power. The Christian life will always have themes of genuine faith and authentic repentance at the core. That will then be worked out in imperfect but growing lives of individual purity (I John 3:3) and a deep concern for the hurts, afflictions, and injustices done to others (sexually, and in other areas – Isaiah 42:3).

“He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” Micah 6:8

Dave

Dave Brown serves as pureHOPE’s Director of Counseling and Support.  He is a licensed social worker, and earned his M.Div. from Trinity Evangelical Divinity School and his MSW from Loyola University in Chicago.  Dave can be reached directly at dbrown@purehope.net.

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How Should Affairs End Part I

Posted by James Browning on February 21, 2013

sad-and-lost-manSome affairs are “one night stands.” They usually take place when a spouse is away on a trip, or when one has gone out partying without the other spouse. These relatively loveless affairs usually happen when people drink and lose impulse control. Alcoholics are the ones most likely to have these flings. Other affairs start as a caring friendship and develop over years to become a complete relationship that solves most emotional and practical issues for the couple. These relationships become so complete and persistent that spouses are eventually divorced, and the lovers are united in marriage. But most affairs are somewhere in between one night stands and relationships that lead to marriage. Affairs usually take place because they meet important “emotional needs”. But most affairs meet only some emotional needs not met in marriage, leaving others that are being met by a spouse. That fact usually rules out the possibility of divorce, at least for the spouse having the affair. The wayward spouse knows that the lover, for some reason, is not able to meet some of the needs met by his or her spouse. So most affairs are never intended to lead to divorce and remarriage, but are “safety-valve” relationships that satisfy a need not met in marriage. Having drawn the above conclusion about the nature of affairs, it should be obvious why most wayward spouses would like their affairs to go undetected. Not only do they want to avoid all the unhappiness that goes with discovery, but they also want to continue the affair as long as it meets needs not met in marriage. In most cases, a lover only meets one or two emotional needs, while the spouse meets others. From “Coping With Infidelity Part II” by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

“If you cheat on someone who is willing to do anything for you, you actually cheated yourself out of true loyalty.” – Anonymous

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We Are All Wired For Affairs Part II

I do not necessarily believe that we are “all wired for affairs” but found this information interesting.

older-couple-angry-in-bedThe unsuspecting jilted spouse usually senses a problem when an affair begins. For one thing, an affair usually takes up quite a bit of time, and all sorts of excuses are given to be away from home — having to work late, impulsive trips to the store and unexplained absences from work — they all become more and more difficult to believe. Telephone records and credit card receipts are carefully hidden, for if they are found, they will often reveal the scope of the affair. When the spouses are together, an emotional distance usually prevails. Sex is almost always a problem for women who are having an affair, and many men having an affair find they cannot make love to their wives, either. In many cases, intimacy in marriage becomes so bad that a separation is requested to “sort things out.” An affair is often suspected by the jilted spouse, but almost always vigorously denied by the offending spouse. It usually takes solid evidence… to get an unfaithful spouse to admit the truth. I’ve seen so many spouses lie about affairs, that when one spouse wants a separation, my best guess is that he or she is having an affair. I’m right almost every time. Why would anyone need to be alone to sort things out? It makes much more sense to think that being separated makes it easier to be with their lover. Granted, there are many good reasons for a separation, such as physical or extreme mental abuse. But of all those I’ve seen separate, most have had lovers in the wings. Since an affair usually creates emotional distance between spouses, lovers describe their increasing dissatisfaction with their marriages. They talk about how incompatible they are in marriage and how compatible they are with each other. The addiction they have for each other turns the relationship into a passion that makes an eternal relationship with each other an absolute necessity. Many would rather commit suicide together than to return to their horrible spouses. “Coping With Infidelity” by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html

“A love affair is like a short story– it has a beginning, a middle, and an end. The beginning was easy, the middle might drag, invaded by commonplace, but the end, instead of being decisive and well-knit with that element of revelatory surprise as a well-written story should be, it usually dissipated in a succession of messy and humiliating anticlimaxes.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

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We Are All Wired For Affairs

I do not necessarily believe that we are “all wired for affairs” but found this information interesting, especially the negative emotional effects which the wayward spouse experiences.

affair_2314494bYou or your spouse are more likely to have an affair than you are to divorce. And your chances of divorce are already 50-50. An affair is devastating to almost everyone involved. It’s one of the most painful experiences that the jilted spouse will ever be forced to endure, and it is also very painful for the children. Friends and members of the extended family are usually hurt as well. But what most people don’t realize is that the unfaithful spouse and the lover are also hurt by the experience. It almost always causes them to suffer acute depression, often with thoughts of suicide. With all this sadness, why do so many people do it? Affairs are almost always with friends and co-workers. That’s because the people you work with and those you spend leisure time with are usually in the best position to meet your most important emotional needs. But in the world of the internet, total strangers can also meet your emotional needs through chat rooms and e-mail because they meet your need for conversation so effectively. Do you and your spouse talk as much and as deeply as you talk to people on the internet? If not, watch out. As you probably know, an affair through the internet is becoming one of the most dangerous risks of owning a computer. We are all wired for affairs. The only people who are exempt are those who are utterly incapable of meeting someone else’s emotional needs. If you can’t meet anyone’s needs, no one will ever fall in love with you. But if your spouse has anything to offer others, and you are not meeting an important emotional need, commitment to “forsake all others” can become words without meaning. From “Coping With Infidelity” by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html

“There are all kinds of ways for a relationship to be tested, even broken, some, irrevocably; it’s the endings we’re unprepared for.” – From “Not To Us” By Katherine Owen

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THURSDAY 11/28 MEETING CANCELLED

Due to the Thanksgiving Holiday, the Thursday night Castimonia meeting at Grace Fellowship United Methodist Church has been cancelled.  Feel free to call in on Friday’s noon Telemeeting instead!

 

Castimonia Friday Noon Telemeeting

Phone number: 424.203.8405
Passcode: 407885