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Phishing scam known as ‘sextortion’ is using people’s real passwords to blackmail them for supposedly watching porn

By Jeff ParsonsTech/Science Reporter
  • 12:39, 20 JUL 2018
  • UPDATED19:41, 20 JUL 2018

Phishing scams are something every internet user has to be aware of.

It’s when a hacker attempts to get access to sensitive or financial information by disguising itself as either a trustworthy source or exploiting other personal data.

A current scam doing the rounds attempts to blackmail unsuspecting victims by claiming to already have their password and to have used it to install spying malware on their computer.

The unscrupulous scammers then claim they have recorded footage of the victim watching porn by activating their webcam when they visit these sites.

Security professionals have rounded on the scam and have highlighted the kind of message that people may expect to see landing in their inbox.

One such example, which was shared on Twitter by programmer Can Duruk , reads:

I’m aware that XXXXXXX is your password.

You don’t know me and you’re thinking why you received this e mail, right?

Well, I actually placed a malware on the porn website and guess what, you visited this web site to have fun (you know what I mean). While you were watching the video, your web browser acted as a RDP (Remote Desktop) and a keylogger which provided me access to your display screen and webcam. Right after that, my software gathered all your contacts from your Messenger, Facebook account, and email account.

What exactly did I do?

I made a split-screen video. First part recorded the video you were viewing (you’ve got a fine taste haha), and next part recorded your webcam (Yep! It’s you doing nasty things!).

What should you do?

Well, I believe, $1400 is a fair price for our little secret. You’ll make the payment via Bitcoin to the below address (if you don’t know this, search “how to buy bitcoin” in Google) .

BTC Address: 1Dvd7Wb72JBTbAcfTrxSJCZZuf4tsT8V72

(It is cAsE sensitive, so copy and paste it)

Important:

You have 24 hours in order to make the payment. (I have an unique pixel within this email message, and right now I know that you have read this email). If I don’t get the payment, I will send your video to all of your contacts including relatives, coworkers, and so forth. Nonetheless, if I do get paid, I will erase the video immidiately. If you want evidence, reply with “Yes!” and I will send your video recording to your 5 friends. This is a non-negotiable offer, so don’t waste my time and yours by replying to this email

Where this particular scam gets a bit scary is that often the password quoted at the top of the email can be a legitimate password that the victim has used in the past.

Given the number of data breaches that have occurred in recent years (Yahoo, Under Armour, Uber and Dixons Carphone to name a few) it’s highly likely cyber criminals can obtain older passwords and match them with identifiers such as email addresses.

They can then try their luck with a phishing blackmail scam that might worry anyone who happened to have visited a porn site.

Security journalist Brian Krebs highlighted the scam on his own blog, writing that it is “likely that this improved sextortion attempt is at least semi-automated: My guess is that the perpetrator has created some kind of script that draws directly from the usernames and passwords from a given data breach at a popular Web site that happened more than a decade ago, and that every victim who had their password compromised as part of that breach is getting this same email at the address used to sign up at that hacked Web site.

“I suspect that as this scam gets refined even more, perpetrators will begin using more recent and relevant passwords — and perhaps other personal data that can be found online — to convince people that the hacking threat is real.”

It’s hard to imagine quite how effective this scam could be, given the vast amounts of people that use the internet for adult entertainment.

Imagine you’ve used your computer to view such content and then you get an email. The sender claims to have hacked your computer and filmed you while you watched whatever it is.

It doesn’t matter that the pornography you’ve been viewing is completely legal, the threat to email a video of you, ahem, enjoying it to your friends and family is enough to make a hell of lot of people pay up.

So, how do you stay safe if threatened by something like this?

Don’t pay the ransom

If you receive an email like this, it’s best to ignore it. And most people will, but that doesn’t mean the scammers aren’t making a lot of money out of the sizable minority who panic and pay.

Lee Munson, security researcher for Comparitech.com, explains: “The success rate for any scam email campaign is extremely low as the vast majority of such messages get nuked by anti-spam filters and security software, yet it remains a huge problem as the cost of entry is so very low.

“Beyond believability and a false sense of urgency, the next greatest trick is to instil a sense of dread and panic, which is a massive motivating force.

“Of course, the obvious answer is for people to completely disregard such messages or report them to ActionFraud or the police but many won’t due to the nature of the content.”

Tim Ayling, director of fraud and risk intelligence at RSA Security, urges people receiving this kind of threat to stay calm and look for signs it’s not real.

“Don’t panic,” he said. “Mass-phishing emails like this are often poorly put together, and there will often be clear indicators that the email isn’t aimed at you, whether it’s badly written English, unusual formatting, or an email address that doesn’t match the address book contact, the devil really is in the detail.

“More generally, unless you know for a fact it can be trusted, avoid clicking on any links or attachments in emails; otherwise you could unwittingly install malware or ransomware on your machine.

“In this case, it was just a scare tactic in order to get a ransom, but the email could just as easily have been loaded with something nasty, which would be a much bigger problem.”

He also recommends reporting this kind of phishing attack to ActionFraud, as this will help them monitor the latest scams.

The victims

Action Fraud reports that over 110 victims have reported receiving emails like the one above – adding that having their passwords shown to them is a “nasty twist” on the traditional phishing scam.

One such victim, Chloe Salt, 26 from Derby, called the scam “shocking” and said that although she was pretty savvy when it comes to online threats, this one made her nervous.

“It made me worried that they had got hold of my old password. It was a long time ago when I used it but it made me feel nervous. How had they got that information?” she told Derbyshire Live.

“It was very threatening and obviously aimed at targeting vulnerable people or people who would fall for such a con. It went on to say that if I contacted the police then it would be a waste of time as they had covered their tracks. It’s really scary that they can get an old password but also claim to get access to your webcam.

“The police have told me that it is possible to gain access to webcams so I have been thinking and questioning what they might have filmed. But I’m sure it would have been me just sat there looking at my phone.”

Action Fraud offers advice

The organisation has therefore offered the following advice to anyone who suspects they are being targeted by a sextortion scam:

– Don’t be rushed or pressured into making a decision: paying only highlights that you’re vulnerable and that you may be targeted again. The police advise that you do not pay criminals.

– Secure it: Change your password immediately and reset it on any other accounts you’ve used the same one for. Always use a strong and separate password. Whenever possible, enable Two-Factor Authentication (2FA).

– Do not email the fraudsters back.

– Always update your anti-virus software and operating systems regularly.

– Cover your webcam when not in use.

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Responding to Relapse: Dealing With the Shame

originally posted at: http://www.careleader.org/responding-relapse-dealing-shame/

August 24, 2016 by

im was introduced earlier this week in Responding to Relapse: A Pastor’s Questions. His wife of eight years, Rachael, had been shocked to discover he’d been regularly viewing Internet porn for about two months. In all their years together, he had seemed like an upright Christian man with strong morals. After Jim had started meeting with their pastor, Paul, he’d stopped viewing Internet porn. So, Rachael and Pastor Paul were surprised and dismayed all over again when they learned Jim had gone to an adult bookstore to purchase pornographic material in print, instead!

Suppose, however, that Jim reports incredible shame over his behavior at this point. Suppose Jim’s experience epitomizes the definition of shame suggested by Ed Welch: Shame is “the deep sense that you are unacceptable because of something you did … You feel exposed and humiliated.”1 What kind of hope is there for someone like Jim?

Shame can facilitate or frustrate sinners’ progress

Although relapses into sinful behavior can provoke a sense of shame in people, depending on the mind-set of a person, the impact of the shame can be very different. Notice from the definition above that shame results from a global self-evaluation by a person. Shame is not a limited assessment of specific behaviors; it is a holistic assessment about one’s overall personhood. The totality of its scope makes it difficult to bear—and to change. However, central to dealing with shame is identifying the standard that was used as the basis for evaluation.

Shame might facilitate spiritual growth

Although shame is not pleasant to experience, it can be a prod for spiritual growth. In the Bible, shame can be a sign of a properly functioning conscience. If the conscience is not functioning properly, people can ignore and violate God’s law with little or no remorse. In these cases, feelings of guilt and shame are dulled or diminished. Jeremiah describes this condition with graphic clarity:

10prophets and priests alike, all practice deceit.

11They dress the wound of my people as though it were not serious.

“Peace, peace,” they say, when there is no peace.

12Are they ashamed of their detestable conduct?
No, they have no shame at all;
they do not even know how to blush. (Jer. 8:10b–12a, emphasis added)

In Jeremiah’s situation, what made the priests’ and prophets’ conduct detestable was its deviation from God’s will. They had convinced themselves that their false message of peace was true and acceptable! The priests’ and prophets’ retrained consciences did not register the shame they should have experienced that could have curtailed their false teaching.

Jim’s conscience is registering his sin, and so it would appear that his shame is appropriate. Pastor Paul could capitalize on this and guide Jim further in his spiritual development to move beyond this sin. (See my article Responding to Relapse: A Pastor’s Questions for suggestions on how this could be done.)

Shame might frustrate sinners’ growth

There is another possible direction Jim’s shame might go, however. Suppose Jim returns to his pastor’s office two months after their counseling had helped him regain sexual purity and their conversation runs like this:

“Hi Jim! It’s good to see you. What can I do for you today?”

“Paul, I’m struggling again.”

“Jim, have you gotten back into porn?”

“No, not really. I mean, I do sometimes remember those images, but I haven’t gone looking for new ones. But, I just can’t believe how much I’ve hurt Rachael.”

“Has she brought this up in a recent conversation?”

“No, she hasn’t. But what kind of man must I be to have done this to her? I wasn’t raised to think any of this is acceptable. Five—ten—years ago, I never imagined I’d do this sort of thing.”

In this scenario, Jim feels defiled or stained by his past sin all over again. If left unchecked, this shame will frustrate his spiritual growth. Assuming Pastor Paul had walked him through what the Bible teaches regarding God’s readiness to forgive our sins because of Jesus’ death on the cross, what else can be said to help Jim? Here is a tactic Jim’s pastor might use with him.

Defiling shame is cleansed by the blood of Jesus

Pastor Paul might help Jim see there is a subtle pride at work. Jim always had considered himself above this type of sin. Now that he knows he is not, his image of himself is shattered. This has produced a nagging sense of uncertainty for him. But Jim must learn to rest in Christ’s sufficient sacrifice for his cleansing.2 No one can ask for anything more, because God says nothing more is needed. “For by one sacrifice he [Jesus] has made perfect forever those who are being made holy” (Heb. 10:14; see also Heb. 9:14).

A good illustration of this sufficient cleansing power is found in the Apostle Paul’s experience. Like Jim, Paul—as Saul, the Pharisee—thought of himself in positive terms, which he rehearses in Philippians 3:5–6: “Circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for righteousness based on the law, faultless.” He expands on his zeal for persecuting the church in Galatians 1:13: “I persecuted the church of God [whom he thought he was serving!] and tried to destroy it.” Then, his encounter with the risen Christ forced him to see how wrong and self-deceived he was.

Later in his life he recounted again what he had been like as a non-Christian, yet in even more unflattering terms: “I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man” (1 Tim. 1:13). Recognizing this, Paul was overwhelmed with how God blessed him through Jesus (see v. 14). Here is the bottom line for Jim: “The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost.3 But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life” (vv. 15–16 ESV, emphasis added).

Jim can be reminded that if the Apostle Paul could be cleansed and be used by God as he was, then Jim has no reason to view himself any differently. In fact, Jim should find himself echoing the exuberant praise of the Apostle: “Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen” (v. 17). His Lord deserves nothing less, because Jim deserved nothing more.4

Dr. Jeff Forrey
Senior Writer/Content Developer

An expert in the field of biblical counseling and education, Jeff contributes regularly to CareLeader. With his knowledge of theology and his skill as a writer, he brings valuable contributions to the Church Initiative editorial team.

Jeff has been a counselor and trainer for the Center for Biblical Counseling & Education (St. Louis, MO) and Biblical Counseling Center (Arlington Heights, IL). He has taught biblical counseling for Evangelical Theological College, Trinity College of the Bible & Theological Seminary, Westminster Theological Seminary, and Reformed Theological Seminary.

Jeff is a graduate of Delaware Valley College (BA, biology), Westminster Theological Seminary (MAR, counseling/theology), the University of Alabama (MSPH, health behavior), and Trinity Evangelical Divinity School (PhD, educational studies).

Footnotes:
  1. Edward T. Welch, Shame Interrupted (Greensboro, NC: New Growth Press, 2012), Kindle edition, chap.
  2. Our redemption can be described by different terms because of its varied effects on us. If Pastor Paul emphasized the element of “forgiveness” (a legal term) in the past, then Jim might benefit from thinking about another element, “cleansing,” which is especially pertinent for dealing with shame, which is readily described as “feeling dirty or defiled.”
  3. Foremost, or the KJV’s chief of sinners, most effectively conveys the idea that Paul saw himself as especially deserving of God’s wrath, not because his sins were any worse than others, but because he led the charge in trying to undo what God was doing through Christ. He was the “foremost” because he was “at the front of the line,” so to speak.
  4. Pastor Paul also could point Jim to the woman at the well in John 4. Or he might point Jim to the one time prostitute, Rahab, mentioned in the genealogy of Jesus in Matthew 1. These women’s experiences should reinforce for Jim: “Where sin increased”—even sexual sin, even Jim’s sexual sin—“God’s grace increased all the more” (Rom. 5:20).

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Responding to Relapse: A Pastor’s Questions

Originally posted at: http://www.careleader.org/responding-relapse-pastors-questions/

August 24, 2016 by

im had been married to Rachael for eight years when she caught him viewing Internet porn, which he told her had been happening several times a week during the previous two months. Rachael was appalled and in shock! For the ten years she had known him, he’d seemed like an outstanding, moral Christian man. Jim agreed to seek counseling with their pastor. Jim and Pastor Paul agreed to the following:

  • Jim would be asked a series of accountability questions every week.
  • Jim would move the computer to a more public place in the home.
  • Rachael would put a program on their computer to block access to inappropriate sites.
  • Jim would start a program of Scripture memorization regarding purity.

Though Jim stopped viewing Internet porn, Rachael subsequently discovered that he had gone to an adult bookstore to purchase a pornographic magazine. Both Rachael and Pastor Paul were surprised and frustrated with Jim.

Pastor Paul approached me with these questions, “What did I do wrong? Do I have any business trying to help someone with this type of problem?”

“Paul, I don’t think you did anything wrong. Each of the strategies you used with Jim was fine. Asking accountability questions confronts Jim’s double life. Sin thrives in an atmosphere of deceit and secrecy. Placing the computer in the living room makes it harder for him to sin with it. That is consistent with Jesus’ statement in Matthew 5:29–30 (ESV): ‘If your right eye [or] your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away,’ rather than go to hell. In other words, it’s good to make it difficult for Jim to sin again.”

“But it didn’t work! Do you think the Bible is appropriate for this type of problem?”

The Bible is sufficient for discipleship

“Yes, I do think it’s appropriate. Let me clarify: The Bible is sufficient to give us what we need to know in order to honor God in all areas of our lives. Peter tells us that everything we need for a godly life is available through our knowledge of the One who called us so that we might become more like Him (2 Pet. 1:3–4). As Jim’s pastor, the Bible is your tool to accomplish what God wants you to accomplish with him (Ps. 119; 2 Tim. 3:16–17). Although cultures and technologies change over time, the human heart has not changed since the fall. Jesus, Paul, and Peter did not have computers, but they had to deal with the same motives and desires of the human heart that drive the search for computer porn today. Lust now is what it was then.”

“But what I did—which I think is ‘biblical’—didn’t work. What more could I have done?”

“I think what you set up with Jim was fine as far as it went. We just need to make sure your strategies reflect the depth of the Bible’s portrayal of the human condition and God’s response to it in Christ.”

“Go ahead …”

The Bible is sufficient to expose our double-mindedness

“Two characteristics of the fallen human heart are ‘double-mindedness’ and ‘self-deception.’ James (1:8, 4:8) uses the concept of ‘double-mindedness’ to describe a professing Christian who tries to live according to two opposing value systems simultaneously. Trying to live by God’s standards and the world’s standards at the same time produces these effects: instability, inconsistency, hypocrisy, conflict, and ultimately, a friendship with the world that makes the person an enemy of God.

“For Jim, this means two things. First, being at odds with God blocks his access to the power and wisdom that God provides when we humbly ask Him (Rom. 6:5–11; Gal. 5:22–25; James 1:5–7). Second, double-mindedness means there will be an ongoing drain on his resolve to live a Christian life. The resulting emotional distress will set up Jim for impulsive, self-centered reactions, like retreating into the fantasy world of porn. Pornographic fantasizing can distract him from the distress temporarily, and that is very reinforcing. But in the long run, the consequences associated with the self-centered reactions will overshadow any perceived benefits, and his life will spiral downward in a tailspin. If that happens, then he likely will seek short-term relief, driven by a sense of desperation. ‘People are slaves to whatever has mastered them’ (2 Pet. 2:19).

The Bible is sufficient to expose our self-deceptions

“Double-mindedness is nurtured by the capacity we have for self-deception. We can layer untrue beliefs about the world upon untrue beliefs about ourselves in such a way that, without someone intervening, we don’t even realize the inconsistencies in our lives (Jer. 17:9; Gal. 6:1–3; James 1:22–25).

Self-deceptions seem to justify sinful behavior

“We deceive ourselves in a variety of ways, so I think you need to help Jim come to recognize how he manages to deceive himself. You need to ask him a question like, ‘What do you say to yourself leading up to your use of porn?’ In essence, you’re asking for his rationalizations that seem to ‘justify’—or even ‘warrant’—the use of porn. Then you need to help him replace that thinking with more biblical thinking.”

“I wonder what possible justifications he could have for this.”

“Jim might be telling himself that he is unworthy of his wife’s affection. If so, inquire about what evidence supports his conclusion. Or Jim might be telling himself that Rachael is not going to satisfy him the way he ‘needs.’ If so, you should help him understand the distinction between ‘need’ and ‘desire.’ He may have convinced himself he ‘needs’ something from her that is unnecessary or ungodly. Jim might be telling himself that ‘it’s better to use porn than to go out and have an affair with someone.’ If so, he should be reminded that lust ‘in the heart’ is no less offensive to God than acting on it with another person (Matt. 5:28)—even though the social consequences are less severe.

“Some of these ungodly beliefs could come out in your conversations about his temptations, but not necessarily. Jim could focus more on circumstances or other external considerations without going any deeper into the thoughts and desires of his heart. But that’s ultimately where the conversations need to go. It might take a while for him to come up with answers to these questions, and it will take time for his thinking to be constrained by the Bible. Be patient with him.

Self-deceptions can confuse our regrets

“A particularly important self-deception you need to be on the alert for is ‘worldly sorrow’ substituting for ‘godly sorrow’ in Jim’s life (see 2 Cor. 7:10–11). In both types, there is regret and an emotional burden (guilt and/or shame). In both types, there can be tears and apologies. Unfortunately, we can deceive ourselves into thinking that the experience of worldly sorrow is sufficient to prompt positive changes in our lives. In fact, worldly sorrow can motivate lifestyle changes, but there’s a fundamental problem with changes motivated by worldly sorrow: they don’t honor the Lord. If they don’t honor the Lord, they afford no protection against further sin; in fact, they actually prepare the person for further sin.

“Therefore, if Jim is showing signs of remorse, you should ask him, ‘What are the consequences of your behavior that you regret?’ If God’s honor is not a prominent part of his answer, you can assume he is experiencing worldly sorrow. In that case, help Jim grasp the depths of God’s holiness and grace, like Isaiah did from his vision in the temple (Isa. 6). Impress upon him the reality mentioned in Galatians 6:7–8: You should not allow yourself to be deceived. God will not be mocked. You will reap what you sow. Fortunately, you can reassure Jim by telling him God’s grace is always sufficient to insure a good harvest.”

“Great. I’ll give this a try. Thanks.”

Moving forward

The fallout from a relapse can touch many lives in many ways. In Jim’s case, his wife’s trust has been shattered. His pastor’s faith has been challenged. Jim, of course, has several significant challenges ahead of him. In this article I touch on the challenges of double-mindedness and self-deception. Another challenge for Jim will be dealing with shame–a sense that now he is fundamentally flawed. Shame will push him to reconsider the way he’s always thought of himself. In my article Responding to Relapse: Dealing with the Shame, I pick up Jim’s struggle with this potentially pernicious fallout of sin.

Dr. Jeff Forrey
Senior Writer/Content Developer

An expert in the field of biblical counseling and education, Jeff contributes regularly to CareLeader. With his knowledge of theology and his skill as a writer, he brings valuable contributions to the Church Initiative editorial team.

Jeff has been a counselor and trainer for the Center for Biblical Counseling & Education (St. Louis, MO) and Biblical Counseling Center (Arlington Heights, IL). He has taught biblical counseling for Evangelical Theological College, Trinity College of the Bible & Theological Seminary, Westminster Theological Seminary, and Reformed Theological Seminary.

Jeff is a graduate of Delaware Valley College (BA, biology), Westminster Theological Seminary (MAR, counseling/theology), the University of Alabama (MSPH, health behavior), and Trinity Evangelical Divinity School (PhD, educational studies).

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What Society Thinks of Sex Addicts…

What Society thinks of Sex Addicts:

 

 

What God thinks of Sex Addicts:

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3 Common Mistakes of Addicts’ Families

Originally posted at: http://www.careleader.org/helping-family/

August 24, 2016 by

Families of addicts feel desperate to help their loved ones stop abusing drugs or alcohol. However, if their desperate, though understandable, responses to their loved one’s behavior are not informed by biblical principles, they will unwittingly and sometimes tragically do more harm than good. Here are some of the common mistakes families of addicts make, followed by tips on how to help families become aware of what they need to change.

Mistake #1: Trying to control the addict

Sometimes families try to control the behavior of an addicted member by limiting that person’s access to funds, monitoring his or her time, or keeping constant tabs on the addict’s whereabouts.

Unfortunately, this approach frustrates the addict and becomes an excuse for him or her to entrench deeper into drug or alcohol abuse. Though trying to control a loved one’s addiction is counterproductive, it is understandable. Families are desperate to keep their loved one from taking illegal drugs or drinking alcohol. And they may experience a small measure of peace when they know their loved one isn’t getting into trouble. But such a high level of control is impossible to maintain in the long term. Plus, exerting so much control stresses out family members who end up becoming more aware of all the many things they can’t control while trying to police their loved one. Dr. Joseph Troncale, medical director at Retreat Premiere Addiction Treatment Centers in Lancaster County, PA, says, “Family members with addicted loved ones would do well to consider becoming familiar with Al-Anon1 principles: (1) you didn’t CAUSE the addiction; (2) you can’t CONTROL the addiction; and (3) you can’t CURE the addiction.”

Mistake #2: Enabling the addict

Trying to love the addict, some family members enable that person to continue his or her destructive behavior. “They’re trying to please this family member and make him or her happy, and they do so in ways that are just encouraging sin. Rather than taking a stand and reproving, they’re encouraging the sin to take place,” said Dr. Mark Shaw, executive director of Vision of Hope in Lafayette, IN, and an ordained minister, biblical counselor, and certified drug and alcohol abuse counselor.2

The family may also enable out of fear of losing the relationship (e.g., a child has threatened never to speak to his parents again if they don’t pay his rent) or of violent retaliation (an addict may lash out violently if kept from her drug of choice). If fear for one’s safety motivates an enabling situation, you should address this first.

Mistake #3: Ignoring the needs of other family members

Often, families ignore the needs of other family members by focusing all their attention on caring for the addict. When this happens, those who are ignored can become bitter toward their parents or their addicted family member because the addict receives all of the attention, time, and resources. Siblings become bitter because their college funds are used to fund rehab. Spouses give up on marriages because their partners are consumed with their child’s addiction. Children who would excel in school don’t because a parent’s addiction robs them of the support and encouragement they’d typically receive. Neglected family members are often tempted to turn to unhelpful ways of coping with the pain and instability caused by living with an addict.

How to help the families of addicts recognize the effects of their actions

While it may be clear to you that the family is hurting their loved one or that they are not acting in his or her best interest, the family members may not be aware of this. In fact, they may believe that their approach is wise, is in the best interest of the family, and keeps the loved one from living on the street. So how do you get them to see what they’re doing wrong?

One of the best ways to do this is to ask them questions that help them see the effect their behavior is having upon their loved one. Author, counselor, and CareLeader.org’s own Dr. Jeff Forrey says that questions should elicit facts that help loved ones see the consequences of their actions.

He also points out that while it is important to help people understand the impact of their choices, it’s also important for family members to realize what’s not happening as a result of their choices. For example, ignoring the actions of an addicted family member may keep the peace, but the addict does not learn how his or her behavior is affecting others, and family members do not learn how to deal with conflict. Devoting hours to controlling behavior may not seem detrimental to the mother of an addict until she is led to realize how other family members are being neglected.

Guiding families to wiser responses

Once family members become aware of the immediate consequences of their behavior, you can also help them think through the long-term implications of their behavior. Once they realize the futility of their actions, here are a few truths that you may want to guide families of addicts to realize.

Truths for those who tend to control
Help family members realize there is so much that they can’t control. Consider reminding the family that God is the one who is ultimately in control of the situation and that He is able to rescue and work all things for good. Philippians 3:21 reminds us that His power “enables him to bring everything under his control.”

Families attempting to control an addict often fear the consequences of addiction. Remind them that God has a history of using bad things—even the consequences of sin—for good and, ultimately, His glory. This is a difficult truth for family members to accept, especially because ultimately it means wrestling with the idea that God could use even the death of their loved one for His purposes. Even the most mature believers may struggle to be at peace with the simultaneously heartbreaking and comforting realities of God’s sovereignty. So be patient with families struggling to embrace the idea that God is in control.

You can also explore other possible motives family members may have for trying to control the addict. A desire to keep others from finding out about the situation can be problematic, for example, when it is rooted in the family’s desire to protect its own reputation.

You can explain to families that the addict is worshipping the substance: the alcohol or drug has become his or her god, and no amount of human control can break the bonds of spiritual slavery at play.

As you suggest new ways family members can interact with the addict, a simple verse like Proverbs 3:5 can help family members: “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” Encourage family members to pray and trust that the Holy Spirit will help them learn to embrace God’s ways of responding to sin and not trust their instincts.

Truths for those who enable
Remind families with tendencies to enable that protecting the addict from experiencing the consequences of the behavior shows a wrong understanding of how God loves His children. The family members may think they are showing God’s love, forgiveness, and mercy, but forget that God still allows His children to reap what they’ve sown. When dealing with an addict, Christians can and should allow people to experience the consequences of their behavior.

Proverbs 3:12 reminds us of another side of God’s love: “The LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.” And Ephesians 5:11 states that Christians are not called to hide but to bring to light the sins of others: “Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.”

When counseling an addict’s family, help them consider whether their response is somehow facilitating addictive behavior. Disciplining an adult child, spouse, or other adult family member may not be possible or appropriate. But you can help them see that taking steps to stop destructive behavior (not enabling, but allowing people to experience the consequences of their behavior) is consistent with God’s character.

Truths for those who neglect family members
In situations like this, point out the way Scripture teaches the church to deal with divisive or unrepentant people in the congregation: expelling the evil allows the church to return to unity and peace. Family members may need to consider applying those principles to their situations. Similarly, you can help families see how a hyper-focus on the addict may create more harm than good (e.g., college savings spent on a sibling’s drug recovery program).

Help families examine their motives for taking care of the addict. Are they trying to save face, control outcomes? What may look like a strategy to protect their family can actually destroy it in the long run. Proverbs 22:10 says, “Drive out the mocker, and out goes strife; quarrels and insults are ended.” You can provide needed support and insight to the families of addicts as they wrestle with whether it is time to separate from the addicted member temporarily and allow the addict to pursue his or her own path. As Dr. Mark Shaw says, “God will use circumstances in the addicts’ lives to bring them to the end of themselves, to help them see that they need Christ, they need the body of Christ, and they need family and people helping them.”

Other ways to help families of addicts

You probably won’t have the time to help a family deal with all the issues that stem from their loved one’s addiction. On top of that you probably don’t have the experience of dealing with these situations on a regular basis. So you’ll have blind spots and may need help figuring out not just what a family should do but when they should do it. So encourage families to look for local support groups or suggest they see a family counselor. Often, the families of addicts are dysfunctional. A counselor or drug rehab center may be able to help them explore and improve their family dynamics. These groups can be helpful to families since, in an attempt to keep their crisis private, many try to cure or control the addict on their own—without the insights and wisdom to do it well.

Families of addicts will have a difficult journey as they force themselves to relinquish control, stop protecting, and watch God work in the lives of those they love. Waiting for God to do His work is the hardest part. But as their pastor, you can be in these families’ lives to remind them, “Surely the arm of the LORD is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear” (Isa. 59:1).

Sam Hodges
Managing Editor

Sam leads the CareLeader team. As a seminary-trained, ordained pastor, Sam knows firsthand a pastor’s desire to provide effective care to hurting people in the church and community. He directs and oversees CareLeader’s content, making sure the articles and videos equip pastors with information and ideas that are strategic, do-able, and consistent with Christ-centered, biblical care principles.

Sam also leads Church Initiative’s editorial team and has written and produced a number of Church Initiative’s video-based small group curriculums. They include GriefShare second and third editions (2006, 2014), DivorceCare third edition (2012), and Single & Parenting (2011). Sam is also coauthor of Grieving with Hope: Finding Comfort as You Journey Through Loss.

Sam graduated from Howard University with a bachelor of arts in communications. After that he received a master of divinity degree from Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary with an emphasis in Christian education. Sam has also served on staff as a discipleship pastor at Infinity Church in Laurel, MD.