Meetings are an important part of entering into recovery. Beginning to integrate into a 12 step program is daunting. My experience was intimidating but rewarding. I didn’t know what to expect. Hopefully I can give you an overview of how it works and how to be open to building relationships. I am learning how to do so in every meeting.
father wound
Journal Through Recovery Entry 17: The Rollercoaster
“Marriage is a total commitment and a total sharing of the total person with another person until death.” ~ Wayne Mack
It’s Sunday morning. I am sitting on our bed, waiting for my wife to finish getting ready for church. I have already made sure my kids are up and getting ready. I am the time keeper, the person that keeps us all on schedule. Most of the time.
I like being ready first, so I can sit and dwell in my thoughts. This is new. I have to be careful, as my counselor says, not to spend too much time in “alone” time and cross over into “isolating.” That is a dangerous place for me. Today my thoughts are on my wife as I watch her get ready. And I am enjoying just watching her, knowing her so well that I can anticipate each action she takes, what she will do next. Brush out her wet hair, start putting on her makeup, spraying hairspray on her eyebrow brush.
I have known her for so long. Since we were really young. We grew up in the same small town. We know each other’s history, family, most of each other’s lives. That is the point though, I have known her. She hasn’t known me. She has known the part that I have allowed her to know, but not the part that I hid from her, from God, from myself, from everyone. That’s the part that is terrifying to her. She struggles with if this is all a lie. Are the parts of our marriage that she has been able to see really an illusion because of the parts that I hid for so long? Does the fact that I repeatedly violated our marriage vows make the rest of our marriage a falsehood, a mirage?
Our therapist for disclosure put it to me this way. He stated that she has been wounded, deeply, even though no one can see it. He stated that I should think about if she had a major shoulder injury, raw and bleeding. Each time she is exposed to a trigger or reminder, its like pouring alcohol on the wound. Getting that exposure is so painful but does lead to healing. Its not a fast process. It takes time, nurturing. Each time I respond to her hurt by not recognizing that its still there or not considering that damage, I delay that healing, I make it worse. I pour salt on that wound. Pain with no healing.
Right now, our marriage is a rollercoaster. Its a series of ups and downs. Thrills and scares. We are building something we didn’t have before, that I didn’t allow. We are building intimacy as a couple. It involves joy and pain. Anger and hurt from her due to the damage I have inflicted. The daily wondering of when a simple, calm conversation about mundane activities of our daily life could turn into a triggering reminder of my unfaithfulness and isolation. And a struggle to stay engaged, to not flee that conflict to the seeming safety of my isolation.
Watching her finish getting ready for church, I feel special, thankful that I can read her expressions and know her routines. Before, I used that knowledge to try and manipulate her and her moods, to steer clear of uncomfortable conversations and situations. Now, I see it for what its truly meant to be: the result of many years of intimacy that I haven’t fully appreciated until now.
Castimonia Purity Podcast Episode 32: God Can Get Your Attention
Doug gives an example of a story he heard during his recovery that helped him realize that God is willing to go to any length to get our attention and purify us. Those methods might seem harsh at the on set, but they are ultimately an act of love.
If you need information, or you are finally finding a time to be willing to submit to your Higher power, we will support you any way that we can. Email us at puritypodcast@castimonia.org. Remember that you are not walking on this road of recovery alone.
Childhood Wounds
There is always a wounded child inside of an unhealthy adult.
How to Risk Trusting Someone Again
Proverbs 2:1-5 – “If you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding—indeed, if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.”
When you’ve been let down by someone who matters a great deal to you, moving beyond boundaries is not easy work — but it is important. One thing you can do in this regard is to figure out if the problem that was previously an obstacle is truly being transformed. In other words, is this person really changing? Is the big problem being solved the right way?
Here’s an example. I (Dr. Townsend) worked with a couple in which the husband, Bill, was a nice guy but irresponsible. He was one of those likeable people who loves to hang out with others and is a lot of fun. But Bill’s performance in life did not match up to his personality, especially in the area of finances and spending. He overspent on cars, gadgets, and entertainment. He also hid his spending habits, which meant his wife, Pam, was routinely surprised by huge credit card bills. These patterns took a major toll on the marriage. Pam was terrified of an uncertain financial future with him. She was not perfect and had her own issues as well, but his behavior came close to breaking up the marriage.
In our work together, Pam was clear that though she still loved Bill, she had lost all trust in him. She could not believe anything he said. “If he told me at noon that the sun was shining, I would go outside to check,” she said. As is common in these situations, Bill did not want to acknowledge the severity of the problem or make the necessary changes. He wanted Pam to change, to stop blaming him, and to learn to trust him. “If you would be nicer to me and trust me,” he said, “I would feel more supported, and I’d do better in my career.”
I had to step in there and say, “You are right; she shouldn’t be mean to you or attack you. But I don’t want her to trust you.”
Bill was bothered by that and said, “Don’t you want the marriage to work out?”
“Sure I do,” I said. “I want Pam to love you with no strings attached. But that is different from trust. While love is free, trust is earned. In the area of financial responsibility, I don’t want her to relax and trust you until we have evidence that you have changed.”
Again, Bill didn’t like that: “You’re both judging me,” he said.
“No,” I said, “neither of us is consigning you to hell. There is no judgment in this office. But you have not shown that you understand how deeply you have hurt her, nor have you made the necessary changes so that she can trust you again. If you and I were neighbors and I borrowed your screwdriver and didn’t return it, then borrowed your saw and didn’t return it, then your pliers and didn’t return them, what would you do if I asked to borrow your hammer?”
“Of course I wouldn’t lend it to you,” he said. “Okay, I see the point.”
Bill wasn’t as sorry as I wanted him to be at that point. He still didn’t seem to be able to acknowledge the impact he had on his wife, but it was progress.
“Here’s the deal,” I said. “I want you to submit your finances to Pam on a monthly basis for a year. She is in charge. You both see a financial planner together. And we’ll see, month by month, if you are really changing for her sake and the relationship’s sake.”
I turned to Pam: “If he does what I am asking, would you be open to trusting him again?”
“I would,” she replied. “I want to get all this behind us. But it has to be real.”
They agreed to the plan. Bill did some blaming at first, which happens frequently. But he humbled himself and allowed her to be in charge of the money. As it turned out, Bill did fine. And Pam was able to get past her hurt and mistrust, because he had truly changed.
Hurt and mistrust are nothing more than signals. They tell you that you either have some healing to do, or the other person has some changing to do—or both. So, while monitoring if you are learning to trust again, also monitor how the other person is doing in the arena that caused a break in trust in the first place.
Today’s content is drawn from Beyond Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Copyright 2014 by Zondervan; all rights reserved. Visit BoundariesBooks.com for more information.
